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Original poster

Upset over dp

49 replies

upsetmother · 05/12/2004 16:01

Know I should put this in relationships but dp lurks there sometimes. He has really upset me, and I feel like crying. He has more or less said that he think I'm ashamed of him, and that I never seem interested or enthusastic over anything that doesnt involve me, and that I dont seem to care when I'm with him. Even his mum thinks that. I'm just so upset, not so much with him, but with myself. My GP's counsellor contacted me last week, and I didn't think I'd need to see her, but think I should go now. I am just so upset and trying not to cry. I just feel so low, empty and lost. Sad

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Original poster
upsetmother · 05/12/2004 16:12

Why does everything always go wrong for me? Why do I always have to feel like shit? I can't stop crying now, and don't know what to think. Everything always seems to be my fault, but I can't change the way I am, when I don't even know what's wrong with me! I feel like such a shit person, and can't wait for tomorrow morning so I can make an appointment to see a counsellor.

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KangaSantaMummy · 05/12/2004 16:20

I don't really know what to say to make you feel better but thought you may want some

cyberhugs {{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}

Original poster
upsetmother · 05/12/2004 16:23

thanks kanga

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Original poster
upsetmother · 05/12/2004 16:32

I wish it wasn't the weekend and so quiet on here

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KristmasBear · 05/12/2004 16:43

I'm sorry you feel so bad.

How about asking your DP for a calm chat about things once you have calmed down? Admit you hadn't realised that you we acting this way and apologise then, rather than dwelling on it, talk about the way forward for you both with a bit of give and take both ways.

Perhaps you need a bit more attention from him or something to make you feel better about things and then you would behave differently. Screaming and crying won't help but a civilised conversation and some home truths might.

Give each other a big hug and see if your relationship is worth fighting for.

HTH and I hope I don't sound patronising or anything but you can be more objective if you aren't involved!
x

berolina · 05/12/2004 17:04

Upsetmother - sending hugs.
I'm afraid I haven't got any gems of advice because I don't know enough about the situation. But, as KristmasBear says, maybe you could both sit down together with a nice glass of (mulled?) wine and have a calm and honest chat about things? (It might be more helpful if his mum wasn't putting her oar in too!) Ask dp about concrete situations where he has got this feeling about you - maybe this will help you explain to him what is/was going on with you and you might be able to understand each other a bit better.
Especially in your second post, you do sound pretty down, so it might well be a good idea to see that counsellor, but not to 'change' you to make you a 'better person', but to find out what's going on and if you are even justified in being so very hard on yourself as you seem to be. Try not to condemn yourself as a 'shit person' - even if you cme to the conclusion that your dp is right about his feelings about your behaviour, it doesn't mean you are bad, possibly just that you have been preoccupied with other things - and your reaction to his accusation says, to me at least, that you do care about him very much.
Hope you feel better soon. Am sending virtual chocolate!!! :)

jingleballs · 05/12/2004 17:15

hon, don't know what else to say here apart form (((((((((hugs)))))))))) big hugs ur way, try to sit down and talk to DP about how you feel, and see what reaction you get. If you can't tell him try writing it on a word doc on the computer, then walk away and leave it open for him to read, (at least it worked from DH and I many moons ago) then you will both be prepared for thr talk as it were.

Don't try to sell urself short, I know I don't know u personally but well, every one has value and please don't think you have none. I agree it doesn't help with DP's mother sicking the boot in, is he listening to her more than he is you?

anyways, in short, big hugs, have a bit of my dairy milk and a big glass of wine. ((hugs)) things can only get better from here (she hopes) so hang on in there and keep ur pecker up!

jingleballs · 05/12/2004 17:16

oh and I think it takes a bigger person to accept the help and speak to a councellor than a person who suffers in silence. Hopefully you'll find the root of the problem, perhaps DP will go along with you?

Original poster
upsetmother · 05/12/2004 17:22

Sorry, I don't really know what to say now. Dp's at work, won't finish til 6, and it feels like such an age away. I don't know what his mum has said, he just said that she has also noticed I never seem enthusiastic when I'm with dp. But I don't know how they expect me to act. Everytime I ask dp when we argue for situations to back up what he's saying, he can never think of situations, which never helps because how can I try to change the way I am if I don't know what I'm doing wrong in his eyes. I think he talks to his mum about our problems, they have a really great relationship. I don't know what to do or say, and I doubt very much dp will start talking about it. I told him I love him this morning, and he found it so hard to say it back. Going to go and have another cry now

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jingleballs · 05/12/2004 17:25

((((hugs))))) don't upset ur slef hon, just sit down with DP and get everything out in the open. he might well be feeling just the same as you.

(I must say thou in ur defense.... what does MIL/DP expect u to be like with him?... all over him like a rash..... swinging from the chandelers when he comes home from work? )

Original poster
upsetmother · 05/12/2004 17:31

I don't know. I asked him, I said do you want me to run up screaming at him everytime I see him? I haven't got an answer yet. Maybe he'll say after work. At the moment, I don't think I could face seeing either of them. Well maybe dp, but not mil. And mil tells fil everything, so Im sure he knows whats going on too Sad

Dp always says he feels like he can't win with me, and another thing he said was that he doesn't understand me, and why I seem to have to have 100% attention from him all the time. We were at the cinema, and he sat down whilst we were waiting, got his phone out and started playing pinball with an annoyed look on his face. I asked him what was wrong as theres always something wrong when he looks like that but he said nothing. I got annoyed that he was just sat there playing with his game, so I went off. We argued over it, both apologised, but nothing has changed since. In fact this is what has started it all off. I keep proving to him that I love him, but I don't think it's good enough for him. It makes me wonder if he actually wants someone completely different to me, but is sticking it out with me until he finds someone he actually wants to be with

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KristmasBear · 05/12/2004 17:35

You don't say how long you have been together but maybe he has forgotten why he fell in love with you in the first place and can only criticise your current behaviour (if in fact it is true that you are acting that way at the moment). Is he stressed at work and is maybe feeling a bit vulnerable? My DH recently had a rough time at work and I felt like I couldn't do or say anything right but now things are improving at work and so is our relationship. Sometimes they have to take it out of their supportive partners, these men!

All relationships go through bad phases and can almost always get back to being good so give it a go. Could you talk to his mum? - frankly but calmly, say you are feeling bad at the moment, could do with some support (don't criticise her son!) and are feeling a bit low. She might spring into action and help you out a bit.

Talking is always the answer. And remember, none of us are perfect.

Original poster
upsetmother · 05/12/2004 17:40

5 years, but we had a break last year. I dont think he's stressed at work. I don't know how long he's feeling like this for. I'll ask him later. mil has been supportive towards me before. We were at hers for a few days, and we fell out and whilst fil was with dp, she came and talked to me about it. I think dp will find it out of order if I ring up his mum and start saying things, and I don't know how much he tells her either.

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jingleballs · 05/12/2004 17:57

just talk things thru hon, that's the advice given to me, talk and talk then keep talking when things are fine, (it's worked for us)

Original poster
upsetmother · 05/12/2004 18:24

Do you ever have 101 things to say to someone, but when it comes to it, you don't know how or want to say it. That's how I feel right now. I'm trying to construct things that I am going to say in my head, but it's like I've written them out, then scribbled them off. I don't know what to say to him. I feel like I'm in shock.

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FeastofStevenmom · 05/12/2004 18:25

upsetmother - just wondering if you are feeling generally a bit down about things, possibly a touch depressed, so not really enjoying life much at the moment? if so, might your dp benefit from a discussion with your hv/gp about this, so that he can understand that telling you off for being down in the dumps isn't going to help the situation any?

Original poster
upsetmother · 05/12/2004 18:32

I have been a bit upset over other things, but I don't think dp would take that into account.

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Original poster
upsetmother · 05/12/2004 19:01

Just spoke to dp. Now Im even more confused. He keeps asking what Im getting at, and I should just leave it before we wreck what we've got even more than it already is.

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jingleballs · 05/12/2004 19:03

just write everything you want to say down, in what eva order, it doesn't matter, then let him read it.

Original poster
upsetmother · 05/12/2004 19:07

I don't think I even know what to say now. Just said to him to see it from my point of view and i just told him that i thought he didnt seem happy with me and only seemed to care about himself and it was all news to him, how would he feel and if he could just drop it. Left as that, and see if he can be bothered to answer me, or think about how I feel.

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GoodKingWestCountryLass · 05/12/2004 19:32

Gosh, well i'm no expert but if you are down and low maybe you don't really care about much and have a dispirited listlessness about you and your DP is taking it personally? Maybe?

Whatever is going on, everything cannot possibly be your fault. Seeign a counsellor should hopefully make things clearer and you will then be able to change things and you and your DP will be happier all round.

Hang on in there!

Original poster
upsetmother · 05/12/2004 19:44

Maybe. But he doesn't really listen to me with my problems, he usually shrugs them off as nothing. He's ignoring me now

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Original poster
upsetmother · 05/12/2004 20:15

I want to break this silence, but I don't know how. I don't know what to say. I was going to ask him what he wants me to do now, but I know that will break out into even more arguing. I feel trapped in this room Sad

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OLittleYurtofBethlehem · 05/12/2004 20:39

Upset mother - :( for you - just wanted you to know i am here and listening - will go and read the thread - i will be back in a mo {{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}

OLittleYurtofBethlehem · 05/12/2004 20:41

GRRRRRRRRR dd is awake again!!!!!!!!!! - but will be back i promise

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