I have a feeling my friend is lying about being seriously ill - what do I do?

[OatMilkLattes]

Sorry if this is the wrong place to post this.

I have a friend who I have always known to be seriously ill. I cannot say what it is, because it is very outing, but I have never ever questioned it (obviously) and supported her. I’ve always offered to take her to and from appointments, which she has always declined and I hadn’t thought anything of it.

Recently, she’s said a few things that just don’t make sense - things she is doing, that she wouldn’t be able to with the illness she has. She usually corrects herself, plays it down. First few times I didn’t think anything of it, but now I’m starting to notice more and more.

I met up with another friend a few weeks ago, who knew my friend from school. She told me that this friend made up that she had a terminal illness in her teens. Everyone hated her and fell out with her. That then put a lot of doubt in my mind that the illness she is experience it right now is genuine. I was so shocked that someone could do that, especially a friend of mine!

So, what do I do? I actually don’t doubt that she is ill in some ways, but I’m wondering if it’s to the extent she is claiming. I bend over backwards to make sure she is supported, comfortable and has everything she needs. I will be so angry if she’s been lying. She’s not only had me on, but literally everyone else in her life, including her boyfriend.

I would step away from the friendship. You can't ever know for sure. So just distance yourself from her.

Thanks! Yes I have been trying to do this - but I also don’t want to make too many assumptions. It’s hard!

Wonder if we know the same person as I have had a very similar experience. It was the appointments that made me suspicious as they would always be at convenient times and if she had an appointment to get to she never left enough time to get there etc.

I ended up stepping away and not doing anything where it was just the two of us it slowly fizzled away. If she text or I see her in public I'm always polite but never make plan etc anymore and don't initiate conversations via text.

Start a thread about the illness and ask about appointments, treatments etc. Someone here will have experience of it.

ALso following as someone has just come back into my life with a terminal illness and if rumours are true it is actually only menopause she is going through. It is scary.

I had a Google of what making up an illness means - it’s a syndrome called Munchausen syndrome.

There some info online about what mental illness goes hand in hand with this, and some of the symptoms correctly describe my friend.

I am concerned and very sad, we are very very close friends.

Wow she actually said that she's terminal? Bloody hell

She has given us an amount of years she apparently has left too and pretending to go to appointments etc. It is very scary.

I bend over backwards to make sure she is supported, comfortable and has everything she needs. I will be so angry if she’s been lying. She’s not only had me on, but literally everyone else in her life, including her boyfriend.

You need to stop doing those things. Only do something which involves you going to a hospital appointment with her.

Is she still with her boyfriend?

Nope, not with her boyfriend still. It ended very recently!

I have been told by a family friend of hers that they also don’t think she is being 100% truthful of her condition.

I think I will have to distance myself :(

If you feel sad about distancing yourself, you don't have to. Just maintain boundaries - only give as much of yourself as you are happy to regardless.

You could, for example, support her as you would any other friend, just not as a 'friend who is very ill' level of support.

She may not have the illness she says she has, but she might. If she doesn’t then she is mentally ill (Munschausen’s).

Unless she is taking advantage of you by pretending to have this illness, why step away? Either way she’s unwell, why would you step away from a friend because they are mentally unwell rather than physically? Is she a good friend in other ways?

@Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight there is a third option - that she is not ill, does not have Munchausen's, and is just cynical and manipulative.

OP - look after yourself first, remain friendly and polite, and watch very closely for now. I suspect now that you know what you are looking for, you'll find answers quickly.

Can you change your thinking to her being a hypochondriac? As in, whatever she says, ask yourself, is this what her gp said or is it her mind catastrophising worst case scenario?
You could maintain any level of friendship without supporting her delusions. Hold back your nuturing and caring impulse by saying, 'Mmm sounds tough, let me know what the test results are.'
I would be bitterly disappointed and let down if someone used me like she has you.

Does she have children op?

Next time she has an appointment follow her to see where she goes

Another idea - I'd be very tempted to have suddenly 'met' someone with deep expertise and experience of her rare condition. Suggest a meeting so the new person can share their expertise. Anyone with a real disease should jump at the chance to speak to a real expert in their field. If not, you may have a answer straightaway!

@Luckingfovely yes, I agree with you, that’s what I meant by ‘unless she’s taking advantage of you’. However, she’s not had the OP taking her to (potentially) imaginary appointments but I wanted to leave the OPs friend the benefit of the doubt if there are other positives in the relationship.

Next time she has an appointment follow her to see where she goes

That's a bit Inch High Private Eye.

I would say that if you suspect she is lying, and others do as well she probably is, you have seen through her lies and now can’t believe her.
It’s attention seeking, and I would guess she lies about all sorts, and has probably been caught out by loads of others-are you one of her only friends? It’s best you distance yourself as you can’t trust her anymore.

I knew someone once who was married to a close friend of my husbands, who was like this.

He very very sadly died just after they had put an offer on a house which was going to be a massive renovation project and had an offer offer on their house.

Everyone rallied around and did everything they could. I was often travelling solo to visit her house and help clean it. It was a three hour round trip. Everyone gave her so much support and she needed it.

However, this meant I got to know her much closer and she would tell me all sorts of things. I believed them all at the time. I did know through my husband that a neighbour had taken out a restraining order on her. As time went on she seemed to be the unluckiest woman alive. We all carried on helping.

Then she turned against me, so I stepped back. Even my husband started wondering what was the truth. The problem is that you find yourself not believing anything.

She told me that she had got pregnant at 11 years old, but didn’t even understand that she’d been raped and that she’d had an abortion at six months. Also that her late husband had climbed a telegraph pole and tapped into the telephone line so they could eaves drop on their ‘wicked and evil’ neighbours. This is before mobile phones. They’d also gone into the neighbours garden to listen to their conversations, and while there the neighbours has unexpectedly come outside, so she and her husband had hidden in the bushes. “What a hoot”.

The thing is if she was raped at 11, that is such a terrible terrible thing to happen to anyone, but I still don’t know if it was true.

She recently was taken to court for lying to the police and malicious accusations about someone else. She just about managed to escape prison time. I believe she’s a complete fantasist and her own worst enemy.

Your friend may be similar op. You need to step back. But it’s an awful feeling because you feel bad for withholding sympathy for the things which may actually turn out to be true.

This is exactly how I got my answer about someone who claimed to have ongoing chronic ailments and was always commandeering other people’s moments with fainting spells etc. When they made a scene about how their lupus was too much for their Dr to treat, I offered to intro them to my close relative who is a country leader in lupus management (and is real so was planning to make this meeting happen!). I had some suspicions before but when they face about 100 excuses why they couldn’t and now basically run out of stores to avoid me, I knew for sure.

I have a similar type of friend who has been so ill for at least 3 years now that I'm starting to think she's incredibly lucky to be alive. She says she has terminal cancer, MS, etc then suddenly the doctors say she's got various other stuff, cannot even remember what exactly, never heard of these anyway. She would say she wouldn't be allowed to drive as she can have strokes at any point, then 2 years later she's still driving because "the strokes can only happen early in the morning when she's in the shower(?????)". She is probably the only person who's had 3 months of intense chemo and no hair loss. She's got answers to everything and sounds credible and I keep thinking to challenge her, but I've decided to better keep the distance. So completely sympathise with you OP

And if she accepts this offer how is the Op going to actually find this expert ?

Honestly OP I would just distance myself slowly.

I have a friend who is similar, but to a less severe degree. There is not a day that goes by where her or one of her close family is not supposedly seriously ill. It coincidentally ramps up when I’m busy or have something going on. I went on holiday with DH after turning down some plans with her, and then apparently the GP phoned her mum saying they were now 99.99% sure she had terminal cancer. Despite not having done any tests and as someone with experience of cancer I know a GP would never do that!

I just gradually became les and less engaged with the dramatic illness talk, would say “oh dear I hope everything’s okay” and change the topic. We don’t talk as much anymore but I know she’s now moved on to someone new and is repeating almost the exact same stories to them! E.g cancer story above but mum substituted for brother. Maybe they are just the worlds unluckiest family but I found it all so draining.

I wonder if you became less engaged with the illness talk if she’d suddenly be either doing a lot better or a lot worse.