Can I keep my maiden name but use married name for some stuff.

[tammie49]

I recently got married. We have 2 children together and they have DH's surname with my surname as a middle name. I wasn't massively precious about having the same name as them and think double barrelled is a faff (it would end up quite long). I'm in my 40s now and wanted to be married for all sorts of obvious reasons but I also didn't want to let go of my name. Now we're actually married I do feel a bit of a pull to make the change but my name is really unusual and my first name with DH's surname doesn't sound right to me. I also feel uncomfortable with the idea of abandoning my identity in that way.

Does anyone know if there's any huge issue with just keeping my name but using DH's sometimes? For DC's schools for example. I'm not going to be hugely offended if people call me Mrs. DHsurname. I just like my name better and CBA with the paperwork. I've toyed with adding his name as a middle name but again - paperwork!

Yeah that's true. I find the paper stuff increasingly difficult as so much is online.

It's definitely an option. Thank you.

You can have an ‘also known as’ on your passport now. Mine is in my married name to avoid issues taking my DCs out of the country, with an AKA in my maiden name, which I use for work. I book flights in either name.

I do this. Maiden name prefessionally , husbands name for family stuff. I never changed passport, tax , bank accounts etc but did register a name change with GP and did change driving licence. I also have email in both names.

Means that I am recognisable as the mother at school , GP etc and if I travel with kids can show both names with same address and dob. Bank details include also known as Mrs X so I can pay in cheques with both names ( at least I did 10 years ago!) .
As others say booking flights is the biggest issue.

Agree, never been asked for two photo IDs but if I was I’d just explain and show a copy of my marriage certificate and say I’d changed one but not the other. Years ago I at least had the excuse that I was waiting for my passport to expire but not sure what I’d say if asked now.

My friend who's been married for 12 years has kept her first husbands surname as she likes it better than her maiden name or current husbands.

That’s interesting. My passport needs to be renewed so I’ll definitely opt for this next time.

I don’t regularly travel on my own with the children but the different names has caused issues before but the children are old enough now to confirm that I really am their mummy when quizzed by immigration.

i've been married nearly 20 years but never changed my name. DH has a different name and the kids have Firstname Myname Hisname but only use Hisname in daily life. I've never had any issue with schools / doctors etc in terms of having a different name to the kids.

So I find there are no disadvantages to keeping my name and plenty of hassle if I wanted to change it. I recommend sticking to your original name.

I'm Mrs Married Name on official docs, so me, DH and the DC all have the same surname (I didn't change my name until just before our first child was born).

I am still Dr Maiden Name at work, always have been. Payroll, HR and HMRC are aware of my using two names. It's never been a problem.

I'm the same driving licence and car in one name, passport in the other.

Never been asked for 2 forms of photo ID. TBH many people won't have two forms of photo ID not everyone has both passport and driving licence. And actually the DVLA can use your passport photo.

The biggest issue with using 2 names is I forget what name I used ordering stuff and booking stuff. The other day I booked a restaurant as Mrs Married, but asked for it as Miss Single.

I only changed my name at the bank so I could move an ISA, to a company I have a pension with as Mrs Married.
As I was changing my name, the teller asked "how was your day" took me a minute to twig she meant the wedding - oh that was years ago!

It has crossed my mind it could be a PITA if I died and have a death cert as Mrs Married but still have stuff as Miss Unmarried which was the other driver for me changing my name at the bank.

If I was to start again, I'd keep all formal stuff in my maiden name, and only use my Married name for school and informal things relating to my kids.

I like this idea. I think if I changed anything then it might be my passport. Especially if there's the AKA option. Thank you.

Having read your subsequent messages I would say - just don't bother. People have well and truly got their heads around the idea that people who are married or related have different surnames. Some of my family barely even know my husband's surname and just send us post addressed to "Fleur and Nigel" for example without bothering with surnames at all - it still reaches us.

Honestly I think it'll be a world of faff to change your name for anything at your age and stage, and you'll probably want to change it back in 5 years but find (like PPs) you then can't bear that fuss.

'but I also didn't want to let go of my name'

So don't do it. It's your name, it's not a trivial thing. Men are never expected to even consider this bullshit. And yes, giving the kids your last name would have been sensible, but hardly any women even consider it

I honestly wasn't bothered at the time and I don't think I really feel the need to have the same name as them to be their mother but I think for some men it helps somehow. I dunno. I did consider double barrelled but went for middle name instead. I know women who are bringing up children who have the name of a man who has nothing to do with them and I can't fathom that but my DH is a decent sort and even if our relationship broke down he'd still see his kids. I have regretted it at times but it's done now. They have my surname in their names and they're welcome to use it as much as they wish!.
And it is MY name but it came from my father so 🤷🏻‍♀️

I am Basilisk my name - DC is X x my surname Dh's name ( we agreed upon this - not doubled barrelled as I think they can sound a bit unwieldy ]

Never once when I phoned the school was there a problem with saying I am Basilisk my surname ( DC Dh's surname ) mother.

In 30 years I have never changed my surname so bank accounts - passport driving licence in my original surname - I do answer to Mrs Basilisk Dh now sometimes because it is easier

I do not consider myself a chattel & actually DH is sometime referred to as Mr Basiliks surname.

You own your name just as much as your father does/did.

he got it from his father presumably, as did your husband from
his?

otherwise we’re looking to a load of medieval people as the only ones who really had the right to an attachment to their names as the very first to use them

'You own your name just as much as your father does/did.'

Well said. No one ever says to men that their name is their father's, not theirs

Yes I look forward to mothers explaining to their partners that the kid won't be having his name because it's not even his, it belongs that hairy-nostrilled chap who comes round at Christmas.

I use married / maiden name. So long as it’s not fraudulent purpose then it’s fine. Have a copy of birth certificate if you go abroad If different names in passports. Scotland so rules may be different slightly but you can call yourself what you like really.

The term maiden name is gross to me. It literally means female virgin name and has all kind of patriarchal connotations, as well as having no equivalents in same sex marriages.

A company asked me a security question which was “mother’s maiden name” before Christmas and I was WTF. You’re assuming that I have/know my mother, that I only have one, that she was/is married, that she changed her name to signify that, and that it will be a different name? In 2022? Not to mention the fact it’s a shit security question.

Anyway OP, just keep your name. Your given name or birth name if you want a qualifier word for it, but really just the word name will do. Anything else is stress and paperwork you don’t need or want by the looks of it.

I kept my own and it has been completely hassle free (DC's have DH's surname and are older teens now). I just start emails or phone calls to to schools, doctors etc with "this is X Y's mother".

Whereas my friend who changed hers with schools, doctors but not on her passport has been unable to travel abroad recently because her covid passport had a different name from her actual passport.

Your husband's surname presumably also came from his father, so there's just as strong an argument that he should change his.

I’m divorced
I keep using my married name for official stuff to do with banking, government (eg HMRC, DVLA, Passport, state pension, local council etc) .

if I’m meeting someone socially with my adult sons I’ll use my married name

every thing else, including social stuff , I’ll use my maiden name now. I actually think it’s useful for security as there isn’t a link to what I’m known as through social media and my PPI type data.

The only time I’ve come unstuck is with a post office collection. They wanted photo ID (which is in my married name) and the delivery was in maiden name. I know now to also take my marriage cert with me 🤣. I’m more aware that if this is case that I need photo ID I might also need marriage certificate

I need to renew my passport actUally - but I’ll still use my married name ..it’s just wiser than changing everything official.

Ooo, I didn’t know that. That’s good

Well yes it did but he doesn't want to change either and we already have the children and they have his surname. I can't face Messing with their names even if I do wish we'd done it differently with hindsight

I use both. Its fine.

And have ID in both or just the one?