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Original poster

not all young mums are tarts

40 replies

mikeyjon · 02/12/2004 21:07

does anybody else have the same problem as me? i'm 21 but look alot younger (i was asked for i.d to buy a lottery ticket last week!) i have two sons aged 2.5 and 8 months. when i'm out with my double buggy i get dirty looks, called names such as slapper and tart. people automatically assume that i dont work and spend my days sitting on my backside. infact i'm married - and was before i even got pregnant, am at college studying to be a midwife and work in the evenings. my husband is also brilliant. my kids are happy and well adjusted so why can't people leave us alone? i have done nothing wrong

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vict17 · 02/12/2004 21:10

how awful for you. I know it's hard but try to ignore them or just stare back rudely. After all for all they know you could be the nanny/babysitter/sister!!!

Slink · 02/12/2004 21:11

What arses you just hold your head up, just walk on i hate people like that

KateandtheElves · 02/12/2004 21:12

Do people actually call you those names, or is it just that you're imagining that's what they're thinking?

If people who don't even know you would actually call you names to your face, then the world is a much ruder place that I believed it to be...

bonkerz · 02/12/2004 21:12

i know what you mean! When i was a single mum and my ds was a baby i was sat on a bench waiting for a friend to go to lunch. This old man came up to me and told me i had ruined my life and shouldnt have been allowed to have a baby while i was still at school. I WAS 22 and had been in a relationship when my ds was concieved!!! and at the age of 23 was asked for ID to but wine!!!!

tammyBEARinggifts · 02/12/2004 21:13

Im 20, dd is 2 in a couple of weeks. I also look younger than I am. I get the same, although no one has said anything to me, although I can usually hear them after Ive passed by. Its best to ignore it, as annoying as it is, or smile back which is what I sometimes do, their reaction is quite funny. There are some nice people out there who dont judge you on your age, like a lady came up to me and dd in Asda last week and said to dd that she was lucky to have a young mum.

misdee · 02/12/2004 21:14

I got id'ed for lottery tickets when pregnant with dd1. i was 19. i felt so silly showing my id, i dont look young honestly.

just walk on past them and hold your head up high. like you say, you;ve done nothign wrong.

SpringCrimboTurkey · 02/12/2004 21:17

My DD is 4 months and i am 20.
I always thought i might get these looks from people when DD was born but i can quite honestly say i haven't got half as many as i expected.

If you feel comforatable in yourself and in your capabilities as a parent and have such an air about you, as if to say "you dare look at me in a funny way or make a snide comment about and i'll bloody well have you for it", I think this helps.
If your confident then it shows to others.

JingleBellJodee · 02/12/2004 21:18

Ignore them, they are just jealous of your youthful looks!

colditzcolditzcold · 02/12/2004 21:21

Did anyone find they were treated differently by the midwives? I had great difficulty convincing one of mine that I am literate! I was 22 then, am 24 now.

Original poster
mikeyjon · 02/12/2004 21:22

its usually old grannies on the bus or teenage lad shouting 'slapper' as they walk by. why have young mums got such a stigma attached to them?

i'm very good about doing the confident act whilst dying of embarrasment inside.

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tammyBEARinggifts · 02/12/2004 21:22

my midwives were terrible. my one at the doctor seemed miserable everytime she saw me, and the one i had when i was in labour didnt believe i was in labour!

SpringCrimboTurkey · 02/12/2004 21:23

Yep - the most trouble i had from anyone was from the useless wastes of space at the hospital!

Making stupid bloody comments and looking down their nose at you as if to say "well, that was clearly a mistake, boyfriend has obviously cleared off and she is going to bump the baby on her parents"

Well actually, DP and i have been together for 5 years, DD was very much wanted, planned and tried for, we own our own home and we run 2 cars.

ARRRGGGGGGGG they make me so so mad

hercyulelog · 02/12/2004 21:24

Just remember your kids think you are the best thing in the world. They couldnt give a toss how old or young you are. Everyone else can go boil their heads. I should imagine a lot of it is pure jealousy.

Original poster
mikeyjon · 02/12/2004 21:25

i get the same reaction with doctors. they ask 'is this your first child?' or 'have you got anyone at home to support you?' it took me 5 visits to the gp to convince them that my son was ill, after being repeatly told that ' all children get coughs and colds' he was admitted to hospital with pnuemonia!!!

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tammyBEARinggifts · 02/12/2004 21:29

oh how awful! my doctor is quite nice, and my HV was my mum's HV when she had my brothers so Im quite lucky there although i do think that because im "young" they tend to fuss over if im getting enough help etc which i suppose is a good thing although i do think im doing a good enough job on my own.

Original poster
mikeyjon · 02/12/2004 21:36

i hate i when people stereo type us young mums, im doing access to health at college and 'they' were one of the topics. i know that some young mums arn't great parents and "get pregnant for the council flat and the extra benifits" (quote from a fellow student) but surely just because your an older mom doesnt automatically make you a great mom does it? it depends on each parent as an individual.

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logICICLE · 02/12/2004 21:39

I was 26 when pregnant with ds and ok, I looked very young for my age but I used to get horrible disgusted glares and tuts from middle-aged women when I went shopping. This happened even when I had dh with me! To make matters worse, I had to stop wearing my wedding ring for the last couple of months because my hands had swollen up. It was so depressing and patronising. Health professionals used to constantly ask me if it was my first child too, mikeyjon. I wanted to snap at them, 'why? don't first children ever get ill?' Arrggghhh Still, I tried to rise above it and ignore them all.

Original poster
mikeyjon · 02/12/2004 21:46

i do try to but i find that it undermines my confidence and makes me question my abilities as a parent. because i then feel self concious i stumble a little and it reaffirms the opinion of the gp. i go home feeling like a failure.

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tammyBEARinggifts · 02/12/2004 21:49

mikeyjon, my confidence got knocked so much when dd was only a few months old. i was so scared to go out on my own, and only went out if i knew i was meeting up with someone or someone was with me. please do not go into that state, it isnt worth it just because some people are too stuck up their own arses! i suddenly realised that i didnt need to worry what other people though as i was so proud of dd, and to be her mum, and just keep telling yourself this when you're out. dont look at other people, just look at where you're going. not everyone's a bitch, honest!

Original poster
mikeyjon · 02/12/2004 21:57

i sometimes find that when my hubbys at work get into the habit of staying in the house unless i have some specific to do or am going to a friend house. can seem to find anything to do.... other than shopping and you need money for that. also, have you tried getting a side by side buggy around the shops!!!! or on the bus!!! thats where most of the rude comments come from. have just started college and am feeling a bit down as when i'm invited out shopping or for lunch i have to say that i'll be bringing the kids..... they go off the idea pretty quickly. and no, no available babysitters during the day

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Original poster
mikeyjon · 02/12/2004 21:59

i think i'm living the life of a 45 year old trapped in a 60 year olds body with the mind of an 21 year old. does that make sense?

no offence to any 45 year olds!

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tammyBEARinggifts · 02/12/2004 22:03

lol, yeah sort of. i feel like im double my age most of the time, and feel it too. do you go to mums and toddler groups?

Original poster
mikeyjon · 02/12/2004 22:18

i used to but now im at college 2 days a week and when im at home i dont seem to have the enthusiasm for anything. my friend has just had a baby so i'm not seeing her much at the moment and my other mate has got back with an abusive partner and after doing all that i can for her i'm having to accept that she wants to be with him. hes very controlling though so am not seeing her much at the moment. my husband works nights so its in the evenings that i get lonely. why is it that kids always seem to know when you are tierd? i used to go to mother and baby groups and meet up with friends and thinking about it i was much more content, not sure why i let it slide. i'm not sure how to make friends anymore, maybe i just have to realise that i am still a person and not just a mom. my job helps - im a party organiser for ann summers

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logICICLE · 02/12/2004 22:21

I know how easy it is to get into the situation of staying in all the time and then wanting to stay in and then feeling trapped I am still fighting it. I make myself take ds to one music class a week so then I have to go and talk to people. Toddlers groups are great too...
Don't let other people criticise your parenting. If your kids are happy and healthy then you are doing a great job. It's scary enough whatever age you are!

Original poster
mikeyjon · 02/12/2004 22:27

have decided to make an effort to get out more - any ideas? i live in birmingham. has to be very cheap as i am broke im lucky that i have a supportive husband, he even lays the kids clothes out for me so its easier in the morning. maybe i have a touch of postnatal depression, keep telling him i'm having trouble coping at times but i don't think he believes me or says 'but your a wonderful mother' it gets to the point where i'm sat at home trying to think of reasons to call him out of work

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