Am sooo angry and upset by school's insensitivity

[amynnixmum]

I am so upset by ds school today. Have posted before about the problems that he is having at school - basically he was only 4 in july and has been having problems settling into school. This has resulted in 2 exclusions because the school just don't know how to cope. At the moment he is being reintergrated slowly and to start with this was going ok but this week they increased his time to 1 1/2 hrs a day and also increased his time actually in the classroom. Unfortunately he found being back in the classroom too exciting and misbehaved again so yesterday afternoon the senco told me that they were reducing his hours to one hour a day out of the classroom until after xmas. I understand their reasons for this (xmas very exciting etc etc) but am obviously upset and disappointed by this development and the senco knew I was upset because I got a bit tearful when she told me. In his school the younger 1/2 of reception are still only doing mornings and this amounts to between 20-25 children. This afternoon my dd brought ds book bag back from school ( she usually does this so that the senco can write a full report of ds session after I collect him). In his bag was a letter to inform all parents of the morning only chiildren of 4 dates in the runup to xmas when the children could stay all day (i.e the xmas party and play etc). I know I'm being silly but I feel so angry and hurt that they put a copy of this letter in ds bag knowing that he was not going to be allowed to stay like the others. Ffs the letter was only given to those 20-25 children and it wouldn't have taken much thought or senstivity to make sure that a copy was not included in ds bag. Its not as if his bag was with all the others in the reception class because at the moment he isn't even allowed in there. The bag is kept in the senco's office until it is given to my dd to take home. Sorry - I know I'm ranting over something silly but am just sitting here furiously crying over their thoughlessness and needed to vent some or I'm going to be upset for the rest of the day.

you poor thing. I'm sitting here angry on your behalf! what is the school playing at?????? Is there another school he could go to?

Oh amynnixmum that is so insensitive of them. cyberhugs for you and ds.

you poor thing amynnixmum

Thanks Zephyrcat, it helps to know that someone else would be angry too. Trouble is with all the problems he's been having I don't know how easy it would be to change now. Plus dd is really happy there.

Can you disconnect from the net amynnixmum, I'm trying to ring you !

TBH it sounds like this environment is not right for your DS. He has been excluded twice at the age of 4, because they can't cope? I would urgently look at the possibility of either making them come up with a strategy so that they do cope, rather than setting him up to be a failure from the age of 4 (4, FGS!) or moving him to an environment which can cope with him and has some constructive strategies to deal with him. Perhaps another school?

To be fair to them, reducing his hours until he can cope with longer ones, does seem to be a good idea, but excluding him from fun events like a christmas party seems to be a very negative message to send.

thing is with the school excluding him from the classroom he is only gong to get more frustrated which isnt going to solve anything! So what if he's excited - he's 4 years old!!?! I realise its probably not feasible to go to another school - that was my first angry thought!! Is there anyone else in the school you can talk to about it? Or would they allow you some time in the classroom with him to get him settled and lay down a few rules with him?

Thanks for all the support. Tbh I am unsure about what to do. Although I feel that the school has contributed to his problems by being clearly unable to cope with his behaviour (he has angry outbursts) they now appear to be doing their upmost to get things in place that will help him. Trouble is that although he has been referred left right and centre these things take so long that the school still have no new stratgies for coping than previously. The senco assures me that they are fully commited to keeping him at the school and to helping him succeed not not set him up to fail. I think thats part of the reason that the thing with the letter upset me so much today. The school keep saying how they are there for both ds and me and dh and yet the message I got today with that letter has left me feeling upset and disallusioned. As for time in the classroom - I'm not even allowed to remain on the school premises whilst he is there. I offered to stay and listen to children in older years read, as it is hardly worth my time to go home when I have to turn around 30 mins later to go back, but they said no because ds would know I was there and this could unsettle him

I'm really sorry you are having these problems, esp. with him being soooo young. Are there any other schools he could go to.

My ds started in Sept (tho he was 5 on 1st Sept), but I was soooooo pleased because only 11 started with him, so he's been in a lovely small class while he gets used to the idea of school. They will become a larger class after Xmas, and again at Easter, as round here they take in achild in the term of their 5th birthday. It sounds like that would have suited your son better.

oh, and I'd have been very VERY upset in your shoes, with ds being excluded from the christmas party.

I really think you need to speak to his teacher or senco to get him in for the party. That's just horrid.

I agree Easy, your set up sounds great. I am honestly considering taking him out of school completely and seeing if I can delay it until next sept. Trouble is I don't think the school will go for that, I don't even know if we will be allowed to do it legally since he will be 5 in july. Have talked loads to dh and we think that hard as it is, and disillusioned though we are, the best thing for ds will be to wait until he has actually been assessed by the many people he has been referred to and there has been a chance for some changes to be implemented etc etc. At the moment we are in limbo which I am finding really difficult to deal with but I think for ds sake i must grit my teeth and bear it and at least give these various agencies a chance to come up with something useful before I start making any drastic decisions.

amynnixmum, you certainly can take him out of school if you feel that is best. You are not legally required to send him to school at all.

after his 5th birthday you are obliged to give him an education, but you can do that at home if you prefer.

I wouldn't wait too long personally. The longer this goes on, the more chance that you'll get problems with your son's attitude to school long-term.

I thought he had to go to school when he was 5

sounds top me the perfect solution - let him go back next year, he'll be that little bit older and probably calmer! Plus i think if he continues to be excluded he might end up hating/being scared to go school in the future.

No, easy is right, you can educate him at home if you prefer AND you do not have to follow the national curriculum.

See Education Otherwise for more info

Thats one of my main concerns Easy. Several people have said that he is too young and I agree but now that we have started down the road of going to school I am worried that if I pull him out it will cause as many problems as it solves. I am so confused i feel like my heads going to explode

Imo he is only four and would not suffer from being taken out of school until he is a little older if you think that is the best thing for him.

Thanks Spacemonkey , I'll look at that

Sorry, I know mners must be sick to death of me banging on about home ed every five minutes, but can I just say that if you join Education Otherwise you receive a contact list of thousands of families home edding for all sorts of reasons. There's also an internet mailing list you can subscribe to with very helpful members who can answer any questions or concerns but I can't remember what it's called.

Just looked and the mailing list addresses are listed on the EO website.

I'm really not worried from an academic point of view. Ds is bright and will catch up soon enough. Its the social/emotional side that worries me. Ds has become very uncooperative since starting school (he was never great at this but things have escalated loads) I am concerned that what he wants is a playschool type enviroment (which I dont blame him for) and that if I take him out of school he might think in the future when he starts school again that is things arent going his way he can throw a wobbly and we'll take him out again. He is a very socialable child and longterm education at home would make him miserable (and me!)

Thanks Spacemonkey, will definately go on there and get some advice.

Yep, how to provide an adequate social life is the number one concern for parents considering home ed. I think if you live in London it is very easy to provide alternative social opportunities as there are so many home edding families, but outside London it could be very difficult.

Stupidgirl is the one you need to ask about this, she home eds her primary age children.

I don't like the "one size fits all" attitude to starting school anyway.

I tried to get my dh into school after easter last year, because he was ready (quite a mature 5 YO), we were reading, doing sums and so forth with him, and needed the extra stimulation that would have provided, but they wouldn't take him early.

Similarly, they won't take your little one late, but don't seem prepared for the consequences of that.

If he was mine, I'd withdraw him from school now, and either look for a school that will take him after easter, or next Sept, Or prepare myserlf to home ed for at least a year.

I think leaving him in will give you (and him, poor mite) more problems than taking him out