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Original poster

MIL living with us

48 replies

Ceecee1981 · 14/06/2022 23:36

My MIL is going to live with myself and my husband and pretty much grown up children. I suggested this to begin with because of her falls and illness *which have miraculously not happened since. I think it's a bad idea. She stayed with us for a week and I hated it. My husband refuses to talk about it and said an apology should be enough. I'm not happy with that. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/06/2022 23:42

Your husband doesn't have the luxury of not talking about this, it's your home, too. Why did you suggest this in the first place? Did you really not appreciate how difficult it would/could be?

PinkyPie41 · 14/06/2022 23:43

Is he expecting you to apologise because you have changed you mind about her staying?

I wouldn't have my MIL living with me for all the money in the world.

Kite22 · 14/06/2022 23:43

Are you being unreasonable to question it ?
or
AYBU to change your mind ?
or
AYBU to not want your MiL to live with you
or
AYBU to not be prepared to make such an epic change in the lives of ALL your family when your dh is unwilling to even discuss things with you ?

Actually, the answer to all of them is the same - YANBU

mdinbc · 14/06/2022 23:44

I'm not understanding why you need to apologize. Having a parent move in is a big decision that cannot be made lightly. Who will do her daily care if she is infirm? Is she paying into expenses?

Original poster
Ceecee1981 · 15/06/2022 00:18

Yes of course I did . Over time it became apparent she was acting up. I know that sounds awful but it's true

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Original poster
Ceecee1981 · 15/06/2022 00:23

No, he won't listen to me. The decision is made. I feel railroaded into it now. I know in my heart it can't work. As lovely as she is, she's also very interfering

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Original poster
Ceecee1981 · 15/06/2022 00:26

Yes she would pay her way. But that doesn't change the fact I feel like I'm being intruded on in my own home. I feel like maybe I'm being selfish. I've never spent more than a couple of days with her and that ended badly.

OP posts:
crazeekat · 15/06/2022 01:06

Go with ur gut feeling, have her stay over on a trial basis, and if she starts any nonsense that means u cannot relax,
Move about or live ur own life in ur own home,
She has to go. Make ur husband listen to u and if he refuses, well if it was me I'd be making arrangements to move out purely to make a point, that she is not ur responsibility especially if she is manipulative.
On the other hand. Ur hubby sounds controlling and thoughtless. Why would u apologise? Sounds like u are going to get the brunt of this move and the stress to ho with it whether U like it or not.

PinkyPie41 · 15/06/2022 02:03

You are not being selfish, you are entitled to feel comfort and happy in your own home.

Does she still have the house she lived in before moving into yours? If she does I would suggest you say to your H he moves in there with her if he would rather prioritise his M over his wife.

Original poster
Ceecee1981 · 15/06/2022 09:00

Yes she has her own place. We move next month and she's already talking about surrendering her tenancy. I said no and let's see how and if this can work first. I suggested a trial and she behaved like a brat

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HollowTalk · 15/06/2022 09:03

I'd just say she seems to be better now so there's no need. Cue her throwing herself around.

You need to speak to your husband and say it's not going to work and it will break down your marriage.

MontanaMountains · 15/06/2022 09:03

My husband knows that if he ever attempted to move his mother in with us, I'd be moving out. I can't understand why you suggested it in the first place though?!

Littlebirdyouaresosweet · 15/06/2022 09:14

Why not let her move in with dh and you go live in her place?
Win bloody win. No mil and no sackless dh.

rowkaza · 15/06/2022 09:19

How old is she?

BackToTheTop · 15/06/2022 09:20

Just tell her that die to the issues when she recently stayed she can't move in. If your dh won't talk about it take matters into your own hands

takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 15/06/2022 10:18

Unless you want to risk your entire relationship with your DH and her breaking down- put your foot down. It is not going to work and will be hell for you!
Be strong, be firm and do not back down or be railroaded by a manipulative mil

Original poster
Ceecee1981 · 15/06/2022 15:47

Because she kept falling over and she is ill. She lives a good hour away and has no family near.

The thing is as soon as I said it could be an option she seemed fine. Then she spent a week with us and it ended up in us not talking for around a week. In that week she kept messaging saying she had a fall and she I'll and was in hospital etc. I knew this wasn't true because she lives in sheltered housing and is checked on every day. If she has a fall or any kind of incident they always call. We had no calls so it was not true. I also noticed she didn't have a single mark on her

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Original poster
Ceecee1981 · 15/06/2022 15:51

She's 69

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Kite22 · 15/06/2022 20:39

No, he won't listen to me. The decision is made. I feel railroaded into it now. I know in my heart it can't work.

Who put him in charge of your family ?

In exactly the same way that I wouldn't try to move ANYONE into OUR family home without dh being 100% on board, my dh wouldn't try and move ANYONE into OUR family home unless I was also on board.

I like the suggestion that you suggest he moves in with his mother if he feels he needs to offer more support than she is already getting, and I would definitely be stating calmly and clearly that it just isn't going to work, even going by the few days she stayed recently when you ended up not talking - and this, presumably was when she was keen to persuade you to let her come ? It really isn't going to get better, you know that.

Of course you aren't being sensible. You are being realistic.
This is a BIG moment in your marriage. Do not let anyone railroad you in to this.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 15/06/2022 20:45

69! She could live another 20+ years. Absolutely refuse to have her. If you're worried about her falling install a granny cam to keep an eye on her. Failing that DH moves with her. Stay firm!

bloodyunicorns · 15/06/2022 20:52

She's 69! She could be with you for 30 years!!!! No no no.

Mix56 · 15/06/2022 20:57

You're going to have to refuse.
Its you or her. Sorry

parietal · 15/06/2022 21:06

she is already in sheltered accommodation. it is their job to pick her up if she falls. she should be fine there.

and does she have diagnosed medical issues? If not, i'd be very concerned about having several falls at 69.

lamaze1 · 15/06/2022 21:07

I have a MIL like this. Do not be afraid to set boundaries or you'll always be on the back foot. My MIL nearly destroyed my marriage at one point with her behaviour and demands.

Put your foot down. He moves in with her. If your husband forces the issue then make clear you'll be doing NOTHING for her, he'll need to cook clean etc for himself and his mum. Sounds harsh but if you don't you'll be the one doing all the grunt work for her and he still won't see the problem.

Tiani4 · 20/06/2022 06:32

Once she arrives, you'll never get her out again . Giving up a sheltered housing tenancy is a bad idea.

You need to tell your DH that anyone moving in is a joint decision and his mother will not be moving in. You tried it it was horrible so it isn't happening as this is your joke and life too.

You need to repurpose the plan for that room or arrange other visitors.
Or that can become DHs bedroom when you throw him out of yours!
I would be talking you DH that we pull out of sale to buy new house because if he plans to move his mother in, we'd have to sell the house in the divorce anyway. So I am not signing any exchange papers until he writes to his mother and confirms she won't be moving in with us

Mother can move into extra care schemes (sheltered housing with carers on site) or have carers where she is to reduce risk of falls at home. (They'll soon say if she's faking!!)

I'd also put it in writing to MIL including in a text. Regardless of what DH said
"Dear MIL, you can't live with us, it won't work. dIL"