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Original poster

Fed up with friend trying to copy my life, what do I do?

71 replies

singlewhitefemale · 23/11/2004 12:10

I have changed my name for this post as my 'friend' also posts on here.

I need advice as I don't know if I am making a meal out of this, honest advice please.

I met a girl through work 2 years ago and for the next 18 months we became really good friends.

Then 6 months ago she started to copy me, at first it was funny and flattering and now its really annoying me and I want to scream, GET YOUR OWN LIFE.

I am happily married with 2 ds's and she is married with 2 dd's. My Dh is loving and supportive and great with our boys etc etc, and her DH is not so great, rather be up the pub then do things for his girls, he does nothing around the house and expects friend to do everything.

6 months ago I had my hair cut and coloured, 5 days later friend had exactly the same colour from exactly the same shop.

I then started selling on ebay to try and make some extra money for xmas, she asked me about it and took an interest, she then bought exactly the same items as me and started selling herself on ebay. She even goes into my listing and lets me know if I made a puncuation error etc etc, and I also have bought a few things on ebay and she comments on them, it makes me feel uncomfortable that she checks up on me.

She has also bought exactly the same clothes as me, and I feel as though whenever I talk to her she is trying to get info out of me.

I also got a part time job 2 days a week, and guess what, she has gone to the same place and got the same job.

I feel sad for her in a way as I know she is unhappy and sees that I am very happy in my life. My boys are well mannered and mostly well behaved, whereas her girls are extrememly naughty, but they are always great when I have them to look after and friend goes out. i tried to talk to friend about the way she speak to her girls, all goby saying do that again and I'll whallop you etc etc, she has even hit her eldest round the head which made me feel sick and I told her so.

She came round this morning and I had a new cardy on and she admired it and asked where I got it from, I lied and said that I had it ages ago and cant remember, I later took it off and when I went upstairs I could see her through the door crack looking at the label.

What should I do, we used to be really close, but now she gives me the creaps.

OP posts:

Cam · 23/11/2004 13:11

This has happened to me more than once, I had a particularly bad case of it a few years ago and found it very creepy. Luckily she has now "moved onto" another woman and has begun copying her (when she was my "friend" she dyed her hair blonde and started wearing it in a ponytail - now she had dyed her hair very dark brown and had it cut into a bob, like her new "friend"). I found when I cooled the "friendship" off she began to be pretty nasty to me so I backed off totally. It has also happened to me again more recently in a slightly less dramatic way. I believe that it is caused by low self-esteem and that the attraction is to women that they perceive as strong. Do you think that is the case with your situation?

Stilltrue · 23/11/2004 14:05

I've had this too, about 5years ago, and it lasted a couple of years. I can understand how you feel; I just didn't know how to stop it. It started off being a bit funny, then irritating, and then I got angry and more and more frustrated.At its peak, I felt someone had cloned my life. We used to spend a lot of time together, lived near each other, etc. I am a sahm and when this started my friend was on mat leave. There were dozens of examples, more to do with lifestyle than copying my personal appearance, eg. painting rooms in her home the same -rather uncommon- colours as we had (or as near as she could get), same holidays in very specific small places, luckily not simultaneously...same car twice. I won't go on. What did I do ? I decided whether or not I wanted to cut her out totally,(I didn't as mostly she was good company!). I did make the effort to be a bit less available, a bit vaguer about holiday plans, and generally a bit more distant all round. I'm sure this worked, eventually, because a few weeks or months later she did try to tell me as we wheeled our buggies round the park that her nanny was trying to copy her hairstyle, etc., and didn't I find this strange? I took this to be her warped way of acknowledging the issue, albeit by trying to transfer the issue, rather implausibly as it seemed to me, onto a third party. I took the bait and said maybe just admires you, wants to be flattering and doesn't realise how inappropriate her behaviour is. I emphasised that I was sure she and ,being such a lovely person really, would find a way of getting on well. My ending? I don't see my friend so often, but when we do meet up, I am truly glad to see her over lunch or a coffee, and I genuinely look forward to the next time. Oh, and she doesn't know where we are planning to go on holday next time!

handlemecarefully · 23/11/2004 14:11

What a good outcome Stilltrue!

Original poster

singlewhitefemale · 23/11/2004 15:09

I have tried to change ebay nickname, but it shows an icon of changed as she must keep details of items I am selling as she found out what it was.

We are working together, but luckily I have had a word with the manager (friend of friend sort of thing) and she has put us off different shifts.

i am so paranoid about it now, I am on msn and have gone to busy have so much to do, my sister has my youngest so I leave it on in case she wants to chat, friend tried to chat saying why you busy what you doing, in 1 hour, she tried to chat 12 times, text me 5 times and called me twice, I really felt like I did not want to speak to her. Anyway she left a message saying she will pop and see me tonight, so I think I will have to have it out with her then.

Thanks for your replies

OP posts:

handlemecarefully · 23/11/2004 15:45

Good luck!

krisked · 23/11/2004 16:04

You dont have any rabbits do you???

Just checking!!

Stilltrue · 23/11/2004 16:55

Wishing you luck. She sounds very intense[shock[

kizzy212 · 23/11/2004 17:18

i feel for you! you must sort this before it turns into the film. sorry to be striaght to the point but you hear so many storys these days.

munnzieb · 23/11/2004 17:37

sounds like your 'friend' has low self esteem and also is jelouse (sorry can't spell it) of you. You should take it as a compliment although I know its hard, try and see if other friends will have a coffee mornign with you two or something, hopefully if she meets a few other friends she might leave you guys alone (I mean that in the nicest way although it doesn't sound it).

munnzieb · 23/11/2004 17:39

(about the poping in tonight - only just read that) one of my friends would not answer the door if she didn't want to see someone, she would sit in front of the window and everything and lock the door (as ppl walk in and out where we are) the person concerned in her case soon got the message.

posyhairdresser · 23/11/2004 17:53

I think this friendship IS creepy and if I were you I would try and ditch it - easier said than done though perhaps. It happened to me to the point of my friend snogging my ex-boyfriend (she was married) after which I just completely ignored her as far as possible. It was a nightmare and she still freaks me out even now, years later.

ponygirl · 23/11/2004 18:00

Good luck, SWF. It sounds like letting her down gently isn't going to work. Let us know hoe it goes. Fingers crossed for you.

Davros · 23/11/2004 18:01

When I first saw this thread I was going to suggest you fake your own death and see if she copies... then read it and realise how serious and unpleasant it is. Are you sure she doesn't have something like Aspergers? My sister has and she used to do this, go off and get changed when she saw what I was wearing, unable to make her own decisions, negotiate about anything....
Not saying this is the reason but its a slight possibility.
i would also hide if someone decided to pop in I didn't want to see or just ignore the door bell.

Original poster

singlewhitefemale · 23/11/2004 18:11

I did it, it was not very nice as she reminded me of a very clingy boyfriend 'just say what i need to change and I will' etc etc.

She was not even aware of how it could make me feel uncomfortable, she would not admit to anything and said she only looked at label to see my size as she was getting me an xmas gift (she did know what size I was).

She said she enjoys my company and wants to see more of me, (she was seeing me 4/5 days a week).

I just told her that I thought our friendship was heading if a different direction that I actually wanted, and now I am working I need more time with sister etc etc, she replied that she would allow my sister to tag along sometimes.

She turned on the waterworks and said she did not want to lose me as a friend. I told her I need a few weeks peace and quiet and then I will call her when and if I feel better about the situation. That was 45 mins ago and she has phoned once, texted twice and emailed once.

I really feel sad for her, but she is dragging me down and I need some time for other friends and family as she is always there.

I keep expecting to see a thread "my friend has callously dropped me etc etc"

and no, no bunny, a cat though

OP posts:

munnzieb · 23/11/2004 18:24

right, at least that part is over, keep your cat indoors now, and check every one at the door! lol, no seriusly thou at least everything is now out in the open, but I get the feeling it will get worse before it gets better. She's not the type who would be at your house from 8 am till 5pm if she could is she? She sounds v v insecure and needy. it's not right thou that she should allow your sister or any other friends of yours to having a coffee the same time as you guys. can you try avoiding her all together for a few days and see how things go? failing that i'm not sure what to suggest. Obviously ignore her calls etc... heav you tried the i'm really busy at the mo, you can come in but as long as you don't mind me pottering about approach?

Twiglett · 23/11/2004 18:30

The whole time I read this I heard an 'eek eek eek eek' squeaky hitchcockian sound in my head

sounds really spooky

ponygirl · 23/11/2004 18:43

Well done, SWF! I'm really impressed. I couldn't have done - I'm definitely the hide-behind-the-door and screen-phonecalls type! You've been clear with her. If she persists, then more blunt tactics might be necessary, but hopefully it won't come to that.

handlemecarefully · 23/11/2004 21:08

You did good SWF...takes quite a bit of bravery to confront the situation with a friend ....

The phone calls and texts after the conversation don't sound too encouraging, but perhaps after a day or two of dwelling on it you might see a change in her...

hunkermunker · 23/11/2004 21:22

Good on you SWF - that must've been a hard thing to do. I hope your friend got your drift, though it does sound like this might not be the end of it as she's contacted you so many times.

She does sound insecure - but also v creepy!

CrazyLady · 23/11/2004 21:22

SWF - well done.

My SIL was the same, if I had a haircut, she had the same, style, cut colour etc.

If I had new clothes she bought the same or very very similar. I had to tell my Bro and ask him to ask her to get a life, he said well it's flattering, you are good looking and she's trying to be like you. I said she can be her own person and not a mini me FGS. Now we dont see them as often, so she cant copy, THANK GOD

suzywong · 24/11/2004 04:45

well done SWF

She sounds like a loon

Original poster

singlewhitefemale · 24/11/2004 08:06

Have a feeling so won't go away either.

When I got up this morning there was a 10 page a4 typed letter about how much our friendship means to her. I did not realise how desperate she was/is. I have since found out from another friend that her and her dh tried to buy a house that was for sale 5 doors up the road .

I had a lot on sympathy for her, now its really p*ing me off and I want her to leave me alone.

DH thinks I should ignore the better, but I want to reply stating friendship over go away, etc etc.

OP posts:

spacemonkey · 24/11/2004 08:07

omg how creepy this is, I'd be inclined to agree with your dh and see if ignoring her makes her go away

ponygirl · 24/11/2004 08:38

10 page letter! OMG, what a fruitcake! She really doesn't get it, does she? I'd like to think that ignoring her would work, but it doesn't sound as though she's objective enough to realise how serious the effect on you is. It sounds like you'll have to plenty of opportunity to tell her the friendship's over from the sound of it'

JJ · 24/11/2004 08:45

Oh no! Wow, that does sound creepy. Have to agree with sm and your husband -- ignore it. I think you'll have to completely blank her to get it through that you need your space. And I think it'll get worse before it gets better.

Good luck over the next few days. Any chance of a weekend away with the kids?

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