My mother was abused by her brothers - I need help with a letter I'm writing to my uncles

[SertralineBaby]

Hi all. I'm new here - hope I've posted in the correct place.

My mother grew up in 1950's & 60's Ireland. The abuse was never mentioned or acknowledged because she feared the disbelief/judgement that would come from such a claim. Her brothers were the eldest children of a large catholic brood and went on to become respected 'pillars of the community". They emigrated to America many years ago but I have managed to obtain their addresses.

My mother has reached a point where she can no longer tolerate keeping their filthy secret and wants the rest of the family to see these creatures for who they truly are. I have been aware of this for the last four years, and finally I have been asked to write them a letter. This is where I would really appreciate some help. I've written the letter, but I'm so angry - I worry it's a bit heavy on threats of going to the local paper in their hometown where they are still very much respected and admired. All my mother wants is for them to acknowledge what they did and apologise. I fear they will never do it that of their own free will so I've peppered it with threats of speaking to their priests (because they're devout Catholics - HA), contacting local papers and radio, also the Irish association they are members of in America. I'm all over the place with this letter and I need to make it count. Could anyone offer me any advice please? I'm not above following through on the above, I want these subhuman scumbags to suffer.

Your poor mother. But I don't know if your letter is going to help resolve anything.

@Motnight I agree, but now she's ready to speak out, I have to try 🙂

Why can't she write the letter? I don't mean this horribly. But why are you being asked to?

I think you may need a professional detached person to read and advise on it otherwise you risk coming across as deranged and not believable. And the letter therefore tossed and not believed.

is tbe letter coming from you? or from your poor mother.

I think you need to be really careful about writing such a letter on your mother's behalf. There are various organisations who can help adult victims of abuse as children e.g. www.supportline.org.uk/problems/child-abuse-survivors/ - maybe that could be the first step.

It does sound like I've inserted myself into this, but honestly, since she told me I've always just told her I'm in her corner and if there is ever anything I can do I'll do it. She asked me to do this last week and her mood since has been vastly improved, like she can see light at the end of the tunnel. She can't face doing it herself.

I doubt they will admit it, and then what?

I think your your mum needs to come to terms with this awful abuse but not like this, has she had counselling?

If you threaten papers and telling the church they could well get solicitors involved as you're effectively blackmailing them.

Another option would be to write the letter but just as a victim impact statement rather than threats . Explain how it made her feel etc.

Your poor mum.

I also think if she isn't up to writing it herself then she isn't up to the repercussions such as no admission and could feel even worse.

@MyrtlethePurpleTurtle That is a concern of mine. I read it this morning after working on it last night, and I do sound like a bit of a looney. That's why I turned to mumsnet 🙂

@Knittedfairies Thanks for that link 🙂

I feel like I am being very negative here, Op, and I apologise as it isn't what I want to be. But your mother's abuse isn't your responsibility. You have obviously listened to her and supported her and that's fantastic.

Your mum has, unwittingly, allowed you to take this burden on. I don't think that it's healthy for either of you.

I'm going to leave this there and won't post any more. I wish you and your mum all the best.

I would be worried about the community turning against her. If they’re still well respected Pilates etc? It’s absolutely wrong that’s even a possibility but this could cause a lot more grief than she realises.

Pillars not Pilates *

I think this is very tricky. Perhaps your mum would be better seeking counselling to deal with what happened in the past, because, it can't now be undone.

I realize that she wants some public acknowledgement of her brothers' abuse, but they are more likely to deny it, if there's no proof.

If you make threats about going to their local church or papers they may try to sue, and you would be involved in it all.

I would seek some local support for your mum , as the previous poster suggested, instead of opening a possible can of worms by writing a letter.

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor You raise an interesting point which I hadn't considered. I think I might need to put this on hold for a while. My mother wants nothing to do with counselling unfortunately

Do you feel comfortable posting the letter on here with personal information redacted? So we can advise on the content and tone.

I agree, she needs to unburden and go through all this with a qualified counsellor who can properly advise, this isn't your battle to fight much as I understand you want to. Of course you will continue to support her.

In the kindest possible way, I think this is a very bad idea. I'm sorry your mother went through this. Another pp has posted details of organisations that can help. The likeliest outcome is that the brothers will ignore the letter, then what will you do?

from another survivor of sibling abuse to your mum.

Sorry I have no idea on the letter.

@Motnight There's no need to apologise. I needed to hear all the responses that are coming through. Thank you 🙂

The other thing to consider is that even if they admitted it your mum might well feel exactly the same, and then what?

@QuotetheLaw If you think that's advisable. I'll make redactions and post shortly. Thank you

I think pp idea of her dictating a statement of what effect the actions of her brothers had on her and how angry she is may be helpful in itself. You could also send it to the brothers, but without any expectation of a response from them. It may have a cathartic effect and be enough for her to start dealing with her feelings. Ideally, though, she really needs to speak to a professional who can help her work through this.

Your poor mum. How old were the brothers when this happened? Just because that would make a difference in my mind as to how to pitch it - still young children themselves (who had possibly been abused themselves) or teens behaving like predators towards their little sister? Your poor mum suffered horribly either way, but if it was the former then there are probably some adults who deserve a much bigger chunk of the blame.

I'd try and write something calm that explains the huge impact this has had on her life, being clear that there's an expectation (requirement maybe?) of a meaningful response from them, but no explicit threats. You might be able to hint at how disappointed their community would be to hear of what happened, I'm not sure.

Only if you feel comfortable doing so. Or you can send it to me in a private message, I don't mind. I constantly write professional letters to people that have to be void of emotion and legally sound so I'm happy to look if you want.