My mother was abused by her brothers - I need help with a letter I'm writing to my uncles

[SertralineBaby]

Hi all. I'm new here - hope I've posted in the correct place.

My mother grew up in 1950's & 60's Ireland. The abuse was never mentioned or acknowledged because she feared the disbelief/judgement that would come from such a claim. Her brothers were the eldest children of a large catholic brood and went on to become respected 'pillars of the community". They emigrated to America many years ago but I have managed to obtain their addresses.

My mother has reached a point where she can no longer tolerate keeping their filthy secret and wants the rest of the family to see these creatures for who they truly are. I have been aware of this for the last four years, and finally I have been asked to write them a letter. This is where I would really appreciate some help. I've written the letter, but I'm so angry - I worry it's a bit heavy on threats of going to the local paper in their hometown where they are still very much respected and admired. All my mother wants is for them to acknowledge what they did and apologise. I fear they will never do it that of their own free will so I've peppered it with threats of speaking to their priests (because they're devout Catholics - HA), contacting local papers and radio, also the Irish association they are members of in America. I'm all over the place with this letter and I need to make it count. Could anyone offer me any advice please? I'm not above following through on the above, I want these subhuman scumbags to suffer.

@IstayedForTheFeminism Thank you 🙂

Don’t bother, burn the letter together.

you can’t prove anything, her word against two of theirs, she won’t win and will re live all the torment for absolutely nothing.

Beat thing she can do is acknowledge it and then move on.

Then that confirms for me that your mum isn't yet ready to deal with this head on, and unfortunately - even with your consent and your good intentions - you are her proxy, which will indeed feel like a burden has been lifted. It's just that you, and not her brothers, have taken it on. The buck needs to stop somewhere.

I hope your mum is able eventually to come to terms with a terrible experience.

I also think your mother need to receive counselling. How would she feel if they did nothing? I wonder if her brothers were themselves abused. From my very limited understanding, I gather there are huge numbers of survivors of abuse in Ireland.

I feel for you and you mum,@SertralineBaby , but I don't think a letter containing threats to expose the abusers would be wise. Maybe a brief letter reminding them of what they did and how this is still affecting her, but without going in any detail...

Though I would seek advise from an organization helping victims of abuse before doing anything.

And I agree with others that your mum should seek counselling. I feel this will help her infinitely more than any letter writing. She has to get to a point where she can accept that her brothers are highly unlikely ever to accept guilt or show remorse.

Oh no. I second (third?) getting expert advice- but what does your mum want to get out of this, do you think? Is it

1. Public acknowledgment- in which case why doesn't she contact the authorities locally, about her concerns that they may have abused others locally? This is probably a genuine likelihood.
2. To protect others- see above.
3. To make them aware of their actions and the consequences on her? Yes, this would need a letter. I'd keep it short. Factual. Weirdly, I think making it sound ' professional' and succinct would actually make it more powerful and affective than expressing the overt emotions you're both feeling.

Argh. What an awful, difficult situation. I can fully see what your mum is doing, and why she wants to do it. I respect you both massively. Good luck!

Actually- also weirdly, I think the Catholic Church might be a good place to ask for advice. They're really hot on sex abuse now in a lot of places (sigh. Because they've had a lot of experience). If you know the states where the brothers live it might be worth asking your local priest to check out what the consequences would be of approaching them.

Disclaimer: I'm speaking from the experience of dealing with London catholic priests- who were EXCELLENT in a sex abuse case recently. Not sure I'd have had the same with some of the priests I've met in Ireland.

I often work with abuse survivors. I don't know what age your mum is but some of the women who have contacted me have been in their 70s and 80s, only just feeling able to open up and tell their stories. Writing the letter seems important to both of you and rightfully so - but it doesn't have to be sent immediately, if at all. Maybe it would make help to just get it all written down and then see how you both feel after a month or so?

Another thing to consider is that there might have been someone abusing her brothers, it doesn't excuse what happened but it might be a reason.

If you're mum is ready to speak out about it stand by her no Matter what

Thank you to everyone who has replied to my plea. Some good points have been made and I've been given a lot to think about. Despite certain advice, my mother wishes to press ahead with the letter but I will be editing it into something far more sensible thanks to your replies. This is my first time posting on mumsnet, however I have gone looking for - and found! - answers to one or two problems on here over the years Thank you all! 🤗

Stop!

Your letter needs to be ice cold, full of explicit detail.
Ah, I've just seen your update!
Keep it minimal, factual, no threats.

Don't make threats. State facts. They know what they did. Hopefully they will acknowledge it.

You need to prepare your mum for a variety of responses

• no reply
• reply but denial
• angry, try to turn family against your mum
• admit and apology

Is she prepared for the rest of the family to know? Who should she tell first? Would family at home support her? Could there be other victims?

What a difficult situation for you and your mum to be in. As others have said, what is it that she wants or needs to happen. I somehow don’t feel that she wants them exposed to public ridicule and castigation, more that she needs them to acknowledge what they did. They might or might not do this, they could even deny it , which could be another layer of abuse.

The fact that your mother has talked about the abuse to you is very powerful, she has become a survivor, she has shown that she is the better human being who understands what humanity means and how it is manifested in decent behaviour, so I think the letter needs to focus on this, she is not their victim, she is not responsible for their feelings of guilt if they have them, she is not responsible for the lies they might tell themselves, she is not responsible for the lies they have told other people. She is however responsible for her own sense of worth, for her own honesty, and for the moral victory that she has achieved for not hiding from the secrets that have been forced on her because of their cowardly and immoral behaviour and actions.

kudos to your mum.

Also op is your my. Ready for this yo blow up.communitys.priests(often involved with the abuse themselves on that period) authority's,the media.this won't be her and their battle but could make her face everyone's opinion nd being in the public eye.
She has nothing to be ashamed of and can shout it loud if she wants but is she ready for all sides of this if it's opened up.
And how often in that time the abused just weren't believed as the men were so respected.cpuld they carry on the abuse of sorts by torturing her with making her look like the bad one.they might not be good people even now.