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Original poster

I do NOT have more free time than you!

38 replies

BroccoliSpears · 07/01/2008 12:54

My friend and I both have toddlers under 2.

My partner works full time Mon-Fri. I don't work at all. My daughter doesn't go to nursery. Text book full time SAHM.

My friend works 2.5 days a week. Her partner works 4 days a week - neither of them work on Fridays, Saturdays or Sundays. Her daughter goes to nursery while they're at work and also for one or two extra mornings while my friend isn't working. My friend has a cleaner.

EVERY time anything comes up that I might be doing and my friend isn't, it's because I "have SOO much more time than her". I'm thinking about potty training. My friend isn't. Fine. But then my friend panics about why my daughter is "getting there first" and reasons that it's because of ALL my free time. I take my daughter swimming every week "because I've got TIME to do it". When she needs a favour from me (which I'm always happy to do, and she's always happy to return) it's not just because we're friends helping each other out, it's because I've got SO MUCH MORE TIME THAN HER.

Yes. Because SAHMs spend all day in their pyjamas flicking monkey nuts at Jeremy Kyle and picking their noses.

And DP can be just as bad. I wanted to watch a film that he didn't fancy, so he suggested I "watch it during the week". When? WHEN is this mythical time that I get to watch films while he's at work?

Have I got it wrong somewhere? Can other SAHMs please let me know if I've missed a crucial bit of info somewhere.

Okay, so maybe I'm not donning a power suit and turning the stock markets on their head before my 10.am Lattecapamochasoychino and Blue Sky meeting, but I really am quite busy.

There's all this mumsnetting for a start...

OP posts:
FluffyMummy123 · 07/01/2008 12:55

Message withdrawn

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 07/01/2008 12:55

Maybe they just mean you are your own boss in a way, and you can chose how you spend your day more than they can at work??

justabouttosplashoutinthesales · 07/01/2008 12:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ConnorTraceptive · 07/01/2008 12:59

I understand your pain although today me and ds are still in our pj's and have been flicking nuts at jeremy kyle.

But I will be dressed and ironing with a roast dinner in the oven before dh returns

Tortington · 07/01/2008 12:59

well one one think that with her cleaner - that actually considering the maount of time that you probably tidy up - that i bet the 1-2-1 time with your children isn't too far off equitable.

Rantmum · 07/01/2008 13:04

This one is going to go down the drain very quickly btw, but you knew that when you posted didn't you?

I am also a SAHM. I do have more time to spend with my child and do things like toilet training than many working Mums. On the other hand I can't justify a cleaner, I do all the home admin cos dh doesn't have time, I do most of the cooking, I do all the child disciplining and whilst I have more time for my child I have almost none of the time alone or alone with other adults that working parents do have. I don't remember what it is like to go out for a coffee and read a newspaper or chat on a week day unencumbered by a demanding toddler. I don't even get go to the loo on my own, EVER. I don't mind, but it is true that working parents don't usually have an audience when they need to take a dump at work.

I wouldn't let your friend bother you about this. IF she thinks that your life is a picnic and hers is the most stressful in the world that is her problem. Really - you don't need to prove anything to her. At all. Live your life your way and know you are doing the best you can in your situation. Avoid the competitive and foolish judgements that women throw at each other. BecauseiIt doesn't really matter. Really

mrspnut · 07/01/2008 13:06

Mrpnut thinks that I have all the time in the world as well.

By the time I've done the school run twice a day, done the housework and laundry, run every bodies errands, done the food shopping, taken toddler to various classes and swimming twice a week, done all the admin for the business including tax, NI and VAT paperwork for 8 useless lumps I don't have time to sit down let alone watch JK whilst flicking my nipples all morning.

GrapefruitMoon · 07/01/2008 14:07

Hmmm I know a few people who are a bit disparaging of SAHMs but who do they call when they need help with childcare during the school hols? If I had free childcare I could afford to go back to work too!

mylittleponey · 07/01/2008 14:09

it's annoying this attitude. does your freind have loads of time on the days she works away from home????

bigbumhole · 07/01/2008 15:20

No suggestions but it the same with me and quite frankly it does my head right in.

Some of my non-SAHM-friends, or worse still, my friends who don't have any kids, always mock me about my "Jeremy Kyle addiction" (hardly, i hate him and i've never watched even 1 episode) and always make out how envious they are of all my free time to do lavish things for myself (!!!)

Can totally sympathize with the poo thing aswell. I cant even remember when i had a poo with out an audience last, and don't get me started on having a bath. I cant actually recall when i had a bath on my own last without the kids taking the nappy of jumping in off their own accord.

I think a lot of it is jealously. Even though its wrong as we don't have all this free time, but they think we do, and they want it too.

jumpingbeans · 07/01/2008 15:28

can you honestly say, hand on heart, you dont drape yourelves on the sofa with coffee, cakes and the telly on when the lo's have a nap,

PrismManchip · 07/01/2008 15:37

I am a SAHM
TBH I do have more free time than friends who work. But then that's because I do very little housework.

DanJARMouse · 07/01/2008 15:37

jumping - surely the nap equates to a WOHP's lunchbreak?!

love2sleep · 07/01/2008 15:38

I think there is an ambiguity about what is meant by "free" time. You take it to mean time when you have nothing to do, but perhaps your friend takes it to mean time where you are flexible to decide what to do.

For example I have just started back at work after maternity leave and I might say "when I was on leave I had the time to take DS1 swimming" but now I don't". By this I defintely don't mean that looking after 2 under 2s full time took up any less of my time that being at work, but just that I had more hours that were "free" to use as I wanted. Similarly I chose to potty train while I was on leave because of all the "free" time that I had at home.

I understand why you get at your friend, but perhaps she doesn't mean to be as offensive as you think.

PrismManchip · 07/01/2008 15:40

I agree with that
I have time to decide what I am going to do with ds, but I don't have time to think - I haven't finished a thought with him in my presence for years.

jumpingbeans · 07/01/2008 15:42

danjarmouse, I am only joking, bloody good luck to you all who have the option to lounge around, sorry stay at home!!!!!

thebecster · 07/01/2008 15:46

Have to say, the idea of having the time to take a lunch break at work or to go to the loo at work without a colleague hammering on the door to ask me some long complicated work question through the door, or of taking a coffee & biscuit break, has not been part of my working-life-experience... But I guess that's why I've handed my notice in! I will be SAHM from March, and (whispers) I will have a bit more time. And I won't spend it watching Jeremy Kyle I guess it depends what sort of job your friend does.

berolina · 07/01/2008 15:48

oh god, I was a WOHM (am on mat leave now and adore it) and had/have the opposite problem, with a friend I love to bits, I really do, but who continually makes comments amout my having 'missed out on' so much with ds1 and not wanting to 'let him go' because I need to 'catch up'. No I farking don't. I tied myself in bloody knots all the time I was WOHM to get as much of ds1 as humanly possible.

Which leads me to the real thread topic. I think SAHM do have more time to do things they want to do with their children - but I think SAHM and WOHM are pretty equal in terms of lack of time really to themselves. Except a WOHM might try to cram the time she has full of Good Stuff To Do With Children, feel guilty about slacking off and thus have even less free headspace (IM very personal E).

Califrau · 07/01/2008 15:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mosschops30 · 07/01/2008 16:04

lol at 'I do the home admin'

lulumama · 07/01/2008 16:04

blue sky meeting?

Swedes2Turnips1 · 07/01/2008 16:09

Prism - "I have time to decide what I am going to do with ds, but I don't have time to think - I haven't finished a thought with him in my presence for years."
My senitments entirely. I love being a SAHM but my brain and being appears to be on loan to my children. You know it's bad when you find yourself rocking a supermarket trolley when you are out shopping alone.

berolina · 07/01/2008 16:11

did I actually say headspace?

Rantmum · 07/01/2008 17:50

There are pros and cons to both sides. I agree that SAHM's have more flexibility and that is a definite pro. However WOHM's do have time that is devoted to themselves and their careers and personal goals, even if the decision to work is primarily driven by financial pressure. This is something that it seems WOHM's obviously underrate as a definite pro in this whole argument. We are all Mum's and we all work hard to look after our children in different ways. I have to be the one who wipes the bum every single time (and go on trips and go swimming and do the other good stuff too), and sometimes I envy women who manage to escape the bum wiping every day and who go to work with adults and have real conversations that don't involve naughty steps and tantrums (well most of the time) whereas I am sure that there are WOHM's who feel stressed and guilty and wish that they were the ones wiping the bums everyday (so to speak).

(Oh and as for tv - I am a freak who doesn't have one so I definitely don't watch Jeremy Kyle. )

SoupDragon · 07/01/2008 18:07

You don't get sick days as a SAHM, that annoys me no end.

Don't WOHMs pay someone else to potty train their child though? Isn't that the point?