I do NOT have more free time than you!

[BroccoliSpears]

My friend and I both have toddlers under 2.

My partner works full time Mon-Fri. I don't work at all. My daughter doesn't go to nursery. Text book full time SAHM.

My friend works 2.5 days a week. Her partner works 4 days a week - neither of them work on Fridays, Saturdays or Sundays. Her daughter goes to nursery while they're at work and also for one or two extra mornings while my friend isn't working. My friend has a cleaner.

EVERY time anything comes up that I might be doing and my friend isn't, it's because I "have SOO much more time than her". I'm thinking about potty training. My friend isn't. Fine. But then my friend panics about why my daughter is "getting there first" and reasons that it's because of ALL my free time. I take my daughter swimming every week "because I've got TIME to do it". When she needs a favour from me (which I'm always happy to do, and she's always happy to return) it's not just because we're friends helping each other out, it's because I've got SO MUCH MORE TIME THAN HER.

Yes. Because SAHMs spend all day in their pyjamas flicking monkey nuts at Jeremy Kyle and picking their noses.

And DP can be just as bad. I wanted to watch a film that he didn't fancy, so he suggested I "watch it during the week". When? WHEN is this mythical time that I get to watch films while he's at work?

Have I got it wrong somewhere? Can other SAHMs please let me know if I've missed a crucial bit of info somewhere.

Okay, so maybe I'm not donning a power suit and turning the stock markets on their head before my 10.am Lattecapamochasoychino and Blue Sky meeting, but I really am quite busy.

There's all this mumsnetting for a start...

I flick nuts at radio 4

Anyone who provokes a WOHM v a SAHM conflict or who gets sucked into one is asking for trouble. Can't you just take the heat out of it and say that in each case you have DIFFERENT sorts of demands on your time? Also it really depends on individual circumstances. A SAHM with 1 school-aged child, a nanny and a cleaner (yes, they exist) has a lot more freed time than one with 2 pre-school children with no support or cash.

I currently work nearly full-time as a teacher but I have had 2 maternity leaves and worked part-time and as a teacher have 13 weeks holiday a year when I am at home with the kids so I feel as if I've experienced quite a lot of the demands of a WOHM and a SAHM.

When you are a WOHM it's really hard to do little things like take your kids to the doctors for vaccinations, get your eyes tested, go to the bank and PO, shop for food and other stuff most of which are possible when you're at home with kids (in fact I've often been grateful to have a reason to get out with the kids) and you really miss that sort of time.

I think sometimes SAHMs forget that when you're a WOHM the housework, cooking, shopping, admin etc doesn't just disappear - you just have to do all that stuff after you get home from work AS WELL as your job. One thing about my job is that although I've sorted my hours so that I can pick the kids up from school and give them their tea and do homework with them etc I have vast amounts of marking to do when they're in bed. The time when I think I'm most jealous of the SAHM is when my kids are in bed but my evening work is really only just beginning.

To be fair as a SAHM you may not have any more 'me time' than a WOHM and you may even have less but you certainly have more time to do things with your kids. Things like swimming can be quite tricky if you work and I always hated the fact that I missed out on special mums and baby sessions for swimming or anything really because they always took place while I was at work. Same with potty training actually. It's an absolute nightmare if you work and a lot of parents don't want to leave this to nursery/ childminders. We waited till the 6 week holidays to do this with ours.

Taking 3 young children with me to the dentist or eye test (or anywhere, actually) is a nightmare, absolutely only to be done in extreme emergencies (like running out of milk midweek in August). Was much easier when I was working and could use my lunch break for errands.... as long as I had reliable childcare.
The only really big advantage re time-juggling and SAHM or WOHM is that (now I'm a SAHM) if the children are ill and have to stay home from school I don't have to worry about when or how I'm going to make up the work hours, any more.

hurricane - hear hear. Fabulous post. My last job was teaching-based, so I really know what you mean.

I am LOVING mat leave. I'm going to HATE going back. Particularly as this job and my last, although qualified and decent enough, are absolutely not my vocation and I've done them out of pure necessity (am working to move back into my vocation now, in my mat leave). God I have been jealous of SAHMs, and of dh (who was a SAHD for a while).

soupy, I really hope the paying someone to potty train comment was tongue in cheek.

'working' not in the sense of paid work, btw. am researching a book.

You may not want to take 3 kids to the dentist if YOU have an appointment but at least if you are a SAHM you can take THEM to the dentist, doctor for their appointments. And while I'm realistic about what it is and isn't easy to do with young children it's at least possible to take them to post a letter for example or pick up a pint of milk. Yeah, there are jobs when you can just nip out in your lunch hour to do this sort of thing. In my job, as a teacher, when I'm always seeing students or marking or preparing my next lesson, this is actually really hard. So again it all just depends on your personal circumstances. The other thing that I really hate is not being in to accept deliveries...

It seems to me that you're damned if you do work and damned if you don't. I stayed at home with my older kids (20 and 18) and worked with my younger 2 (12 and 2) I have felt terribly guilty either way. I would rather work tbh as money is tight and I stress - I'm not at my best when stressed...
Don't let the comments bother you.

hurricane - don't be jealous of SAHM in the evenings. I know very few who get to sit around in the evening. Most of them are doing things that they can't get done with the children around. Some friends do some freelance work, others help their husbands run business, others like me have studying to do (so I don't have to go back to the same dull job I did before I had children) I also help my husband with his business, doing the work that I don't want to go back to! Plenty of others use it to do the housework that you can't do during the day. I for one found it impossible to iron with DS2 around.

As a teacher I am sure that you have a lot on your plate but the grass is not always greener on the other side.

I think this is a problem with your friends perception of you. Why don't you tell her how you feel.
This is not a SAHM/ Working mum issue, but it will turn into that argument.
I work 2.5 days and even my dh occcasionally says things about watching films, running erands, that makes me think, that he thinks I have nothing to do all day, on my non working days.
Tell your friend. Tell her what you do on a day-to-day basis. Tell her how irritating her comments are.
Or just get rid !!!!

Message withdrawn

No, I don't think this is a SAHM, WOHM conflict. I agree it seems like a communication/ lack of sensitivity issue between friends. On this thread it seems we've all made a decision which works for us while accepting that there is no ideal one size fits all that suits everyone.

Niecie I absolutely know that the grass isn't greener and I work out of choice as well as necessity because I personally would be unhappy as a SAHM but my point was that WOHMs like me have all the demands of running a home and most of the demands of raising children (often all once the children are school-aged) AS WELL as working depending on how supportive their partners are. So, yes I have marking which is specific to teaching (though many, many employees have to bring work home these days) but I and other WOHMs have ironing, budgeting, shopping, packed lunch making, cooking... AS WELL as working. It doesn't just disappear becaue we work.

Anything else - like studying, helping partners, excerise, whatever... - is not specific to SAHMs either. I know various WOHMs who do one or all of the above AS WELL as run a home and AS WELL as WOHM.

Oooh lawks. Look what I started. And there was me tripping cheerfully through my day having had a cathartic rant before heading out.

I didn't mean to start anything SAMH-y V WOHM-y.

But, just to be very, very clear, the important point is that my friend who has a CLEANER and a HUSBAND HOME FOR 3 DAYS EVERY WEEK and has TWO MORNINGS A WEEK AT HOME WHILE HER DAUGHTER'S IN NURSERY does not have less free time than me.

'k?

[jealousy] [feeling hard done by] [grass is always greener] [poor poor me having a WHOLE toddler to look after]