Dealing with DH working from home in a small house (long, sorry)

[GeorginaA]

This is part whine part hoping for some advice. I do appreciate this is a terribly minor problem, but hoping for some ideas on how to organise home life with minimal stress and upheaval as a result.

Some background:

Dh took his current job partly because of better pay but predominantly because it was only 5/10min drive from home. Having worked away for the previous year, only returning on weekends, that was the biggest bonus we could have and our quality of life has been excellent as a result. We really have been very lucky as a family - he can take ds1 to nursery in the morning and is home in time for a family dinner/bedtime routine in the evening. It's a small company too, so one of the great perks is flexibility - dh can pop out for half an hour to attend things (school visits & hospital appointments for example) without making a great impact on his day or the company.

Anyway, due to office problems, the job is now moving to 30 mins drive away. Again, I know this isn't terrible in the scheme of things, but it's a bit of a shock, especially factoring in extra fuel bills. The boss of the company isn't too keen on doing the travelling either - this is very much a move out of necessity.

What has been suggested is that they use the new office for meetings and those who want to work at home instead can do for at least some days in the week. Some weeks they could be in the office 3 out of 5 days... others they might not be in the office at all.

Now, dh has worked from home before (when ds1 was tiny) and also works freelance contracts in the evenings from home, so we know he is good at the discipline side of things - we know he can do it. I'm just trying to get my head around the logistics.

I know from last time, there was a danger for both of us to feel resentful - dh would resent me because I got to "play" with the baby while he worked, I got resenful because he got to sit at the computer in the other room while I had no respite from the baby. For the most part we dealt with it well, but I know that's a potential danger.

Secondly, last time we had a bigger house (long story involving redundancy, almost losing the house and having to move out of London) with the computers in the dining room which could be shut off. Plus ds1 was only little and not in a position to realise daddy was still at home but not able to play with him.

Now, our computers are in the living room with no room to shut him away in and ds1 is 3 and ds2 is 6 months. A much different scenario. Ds1 is at nursery in the morning which helps, but afternoons could be very chaotic. I don't want to be stepping around on tiptoe worrying about disturbing him, but at the same time I can see that we're going to be very distracting.

Does anyone else successfully deal with a similar working arrangement at home. Any tips/tricks/more things we should think about? Is this doomed to be a terribly bad idea?

Thanks for reading this far!

I think it sounds easiest to work in the office 30 minutes away to be honest. You will just get under each other's feet and feel resentful with each other and it's nice to have time apart during the day so you have something to talk about in the evenings. I couldn't see my dh 24/7 - and he feels the same, we'd drive each other nuts!!

Any chance that he could be a bit flexible on his working hours so he can still do the odd nursery run or work from home once in a while? Yes the extra driving is a pain, but could he get a bit of extra money to cover it?

Personally I wouldn't think with space being an issue that he would be able to work much from home anyway.

Bugger. Was hoping for a "yes it's easy to work from home under those circumstances and here's how"

I'll be honest. I'm really quite anti him doing the travelling. Very irrationally. It's on a motorway stretch, I would worry. Time home could vary considerably during to time of day/level of traffic. Plus the difference of an extra hour out of the day will be a pain - he's not good at leaving work at the best of times. At least where he is now, I can send him a gentle nudge look at the time message and he can leave then and be home within 5 mins.

Dh is also quite keen to work from home. I think doing the daily travelling would precipitate him looking for another job which is a shame, as he really enjoys working with this company. Also, when he does leave, I can see him wanting to work freelance rather than have another boss (this is his long term goal), which again would necessitate working from home.

We are trying to get an extension done. We have planning permission but are struggling to get any quotes/builders around and also concerned that we could be overstretching ourselves (particularly if those extra travelling costs kick in).

Do you have a separate dining room or maybe a spare bedroom that you could either put the computers in or have as a 'day room' for you and the kids? My dh has worked from home in our previous house with the computer downstairs in our only downstairs room and it didn't work for us.

Dining room/living room is one through room without connecting doors unfortunately Potentially, he could work off the laptop in our bedroom. It would be a little cramped (and if his boss insists on a webcam for meetings it would be a bugger - would have to make sure the bedroom was tidy at all times ) but not impossible.

Gah, back to being uncharitable and hoping the office move falls through, I suppose

Dining room/living room is one through room without connecting doors unfortunately Potentially, he could work off the laptop in our bedroom. It would be a little cramped (and if his boss insists on a webcam for meetings it would be a bugger - would have to make sure the bedroom was tidy at all times ) but not impossible.

Gah, back to being uncharitable and hoping the office move falls through, I suppose

hi there i think its a matter of weighing up the pros and cons,it may not be easy but maybe you could give it a trial to see how it goes,my DH was astudent had lots of study which we found hard with young kids also,he had a laptop then so he disappeared to bedroom,is it possible to move computer to another room.Travelling wasalso a factor for us as uni was 1hr+ each way.Can he work in evenings to catch up maybe when kiddies are in bed.hope things work out

oops... sorry, didn't mean to post twice -thought it had failed first time.

Is there no way you could move a pc? To your bedroom perhaps - but on the understanding it is used solely for daytime work use (after all you aren't using the bedroom then)

Dh does work from home a couple of days a month, and these are things that help (we do have seperate room for him which is the main thing)

He comes to talk to us every couple of hours when he has a coffee break. He always makes me coffee as well.
We have lunch together - he'd be taking a break if he was at work.
I try to go out when he is at home - park etc. He has to respect that he is essentially invading your work space, rather than the other way around. He has an alternative, you don't. So he must never complain about the kids noise.
Is there any way you can trade jobs - for example dh uses his days at home to do boring admin, which includes his huge expense claims (usually takes 4 hours to do!) so I do those for him whilst he looks after the kids

my dh works from home 85% of the time. imo, a separate work space is essential to make this work well for all of you, so i suggest moving the computer to the bedroom. also agree with prufrock's suggestions that he spends "breaks" with you and the family - he would get some breaks at the office too. that should make it easier to manager your older child's expectations, e.g. "you can play with daddy for a while after lunch". the only time i really cannot stop ds going into the study is when he gets bored while i am feeding dd - usually after about 35 mins or so, so he is pretty good really! rather than trying to shoo him out straight away, dh talks to him for a couple of minutes and then firmly tells him he is working and will see him later. this has been surprisingly effective so far.

hth and good luck

Few ideas off the top:

Is there anyway of getting doors installed to split the lounge and dining room?
Are the boys each in their own bedroom? Could they share thus freeing up a study?

Would definitely suggest that your DH holds off the freelance idea until your DS2 is nursery age.

My DH works from home sometimes and we manage OK with it. He really avoided it when DD was tiny but is OK about it now. But we are lucky because we have four bedrooms with the fourth set up as a home office. Its at the far end of the landing so you don't go past it and DH goes in there and shuts the door and DS forgets he's there. Think we would struggle with less space although we also have a seperate dining room that we use infrequently. This is the joy of house prices in the north. But then I don't have the luxury about worrying about a half hour commute - mine is about 40 minutes including motorway and DH's is an hour including motorway but this week he's also been to Derby, Telford and is going to Tewkesbury and had a day's holiday.

Personally I don't see that you have much option but to see how it goes. At least it sounds like there will be some flexibility with the new arrangements. If DH has to use a web cam surely you only need to angle it carefully and tidy one part of the room.

Oops separate.

I've heard of writers writing in sheds in the garden. You would have to run electricity to it and insulate it.

Have only skim read this thread, sorry if I'm repeating or missing a vital point

DH worked from home for 8 years so I know quite a bit about it

First thing; don't do it unless he can be in a dedicated office room. Just don't do it, not with kids in the equation.

Main reason is that he will not be able to concerntrate, I know your kids aren't going to be around all the time but even so.

And unless you can shut him in a room and he can shut the domestic arrangements and the home stuff out it will cause difficulties.

Sorry to be so negative, but on the bright side, if you can get him an office space with a shutable door within your home the benefits will be great. He will be on hand to help you with the kids at both ends of the day until the minute he starts or finishes work.

HTH

I often work from home - sometimes the kids are there, sometimes not. When they are, I find it hard to stop them drifting in to interrupt (in the sweetest, and often most welcome way!) despite dp's best efforts. Separate room for dh to work in is absolutely essential, don't consider it for a minute if you can't manage this.

As a half-way measure, could dh do short days at the office - meaning he leaves there before rush-hour to be certain of journey time and help with kids' tea - then do the rest after they've gone to bed? at least some days of the week?

would echo bozza's question - are the kids in their own rooms?
I work from home and use the third small bedroom and have the kids sharing a room. When dh is on holidays (he's a teacher) and looking after the kids we make sure that he takes them out of the house for quite long periods to stop them wanting to play with me. They usually go for a walk / to the park / shopping inthe morning and then we can all have lunch together. They soon get used to the fact that Mummy is working, and I always warn dh when I have a call to make etc so that he can make sure they don't shout outside my door!
The main thing though, as others have said is having a dedicated space for working, whether this is in your bedroom or in a spare bedroom.

Suzywong has summed up the whole thing brilliantly (of course, smarm smarm).

I work from home, and on the very rare occasions when the inferiorettes are around I honestly don't know how I'd cope. And even with them OUT of the place it means so so much to me to have dedicated work space, on which I can shut the door. If it means they share till they're 18, so be it

It's a given that I would be working in a separate room - it's a non-starter any other way.

Whilst I do have an alterntive, the alternative is something that GeorginaA really doesn't want me to do. I would say that I'm not "invading" her workspace as that would imply that I am forcing this on the family where as the impetus for not commuting is coming as much if not more from from GeorginaA than from me. The time risks of commuting a 35 min journey are obvious: traffic could easily make that 45 mins to an hour some days. That's a price that she's not happy to pay on a daily basis.

With a distant job I'd be looking at not giving ds2 his breakfast in the morning or taking ds1 to nursery any more. I also wouldn't be doing my share of evening meal cooking like I do now and might sometimes miss the family meal in the evening entirely due to being late. I've worked from home before and like the flexibility it affords. I also, won't be able to do "emergency childcare cover" for GeorginaA when she needs to do something during the day like I have been doing.

When I was homeworking last time, I especially liked being part of ds1's life on a day to day basis which I think has benefitted us as a family considerably. If I go back to it, I get to do this with ds2 like I did with ds1.

Re honeyflower's question, in my experience having one (male) member of staff doing short days is a receipe for disaster in an office. Either you are there or you are not. For some reason, it's more acceptable for females to do this kind of juggling. Unfair, I know but it's a fact of working life at the moment.

As far as I can see, working at home has more benefits than cons compared with the longer commute.

Personally, I'm liking the idea of chucking you out to the shed

well if you have your own separate space, RobA, then go for it.

It will take time to adjust to boundaries, but you must be consistent and if you are working then you are working and GeorginaA cannot ask you to watch the kids while she has a shower and you cannot come out and play chase with the kids for 10 minutes and then disappear back in to the work space. I sound bossy I know but I do speak from experience.

I would also advise you, RobA to go for a coffee or a walk around the block after you have finished your working day before re-entering the home domain as your head will be in a different place from GeorginaA's and she will be sorely tempted to drag you in to domestic routines before you have chilled out from work. (again I speak from years of experience)

I really hope it works out for you as your kids will benefit enormously but do expect some teething problems and draw ground rules about duties and territory right from the start.

Oh Rob I think I offended you - I'm sorry - I really didn't mean too. I was just trying to point out potential pitfalls (emotional ones as well as practical) and talking mor about my situation than yours. I do appreciate that this is the best thing for your whole family, and you are making the decidion for all of you.
But you both need to recognise that Georgina and the kids have their own lives and routines when you are in the ofice, and these should not be overly disrupted because you are at home - it is very easy for the toddler especially to treat Daddy being at home as special days when Daddy can be disturbed - so keeping things the same as normal for him is important

Prufrock, you didn't offend me I just wanted to make sure that it was understood that it's not me pushing...

I'd recommend the shed in garden route. Just the walk from the house to the shed/office can be neutral enough to help with the plunge back into homelife.

It would be cheaper than an extension - especially if you can do some electric work yourself. You also shouldn't need planning permission.

I work from home in a 'room' which is 6 foot by 3.5 foot. The main thing is that a DOOR separates me from the baby!

morningpaper - that's it precisely - "something neutral before you plunge back in to home life" absolutely vital

I work from home (although will be city-based from January thanks to my awful boss)and on dh's day off on a Friday I find it a real pain in the butt. BUT I don't have a separate office - my desk is in the corner of the dining room so he comes in for his lunch, starts chopping stuff for dinner, makes a noise when I'm on the phone and although he doesn't do any of this deliberately, it's still hard to concentrate.

If he has dd at home on his day off which happens once a month, then he tends to take her out for a few hours to softplay, shopping etc or she just wants mummy.

ROb and Georgina - it can work and I'd far rather be at home in the day and not facing a 90 minute commute each way than the alternative so I say go for it.