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Original poster

It's amazing what some people think is acceptable behaviour..........

38 replies

Earlybird · 18/12/2007 11:54

We are new to town, and dd is just completing the first term at her new school. There are several other children/families that are also new, and dd is beginning to be friends with one of those girls.

I arranged a playdate with this girl (our first) for yesterday after school. When arrangements were being made, I said to the other Mum that I'd give her daughter supper, and said if she wanted, to come over a bit earlier than the agreed pick-up time and have a bite to eat with us (and bring her ds too). I thought it might give us a chance to get to know one another - especially as we're both new to town/school. So far, so good.........

The Mum called halfway through the playdate to check on things, and to ask if I could drive her dd home after the girls had eaten (no mention of my casual invitation to eat with us). I was surprised, but agreed as I assumed she must have a good reason for asking.

We got to their house, and I walked dd's pal to the door. The nanny/babysitter answered, and invited us in. DD and her friend scurried off somewhere, while I stood awkwardly in the sitting room watching the nanny feed the younger child. I kept expecting the other Mum to walk in, and say hello........until the nanny told me that the other Mum wasn't at home as she and her dh had gone out to a restaurant! I felt more than a bit peeved, and a mug.

I will see this woman today at a school event. How would you play it?

OP posts:
Desiderata · 18/12/2007 11:58

Very, very coolly .. that's how you should play it.

Original poster
Earlybird · 18/12/2007 12:10

Hmmm - that will be easy enough if we don't encounter one another. But this is a chatty mum who doesn't know many people, and I feel fairly sure she'll make a beeline for me in the pre and/or post event mingling...

So brief replies, not much chat, move along?

OP posts:
WanderingHolly · 18/12/2007 12:18

I'd chat away happily, maybe casually mention you were hoping to meet her ds the other night, whilst making a mental note that this is a potentially scatty woman who is not to be relied upon.

layercake · 18/12/2007 12:19

I may be being a bit thick... but what is it you are p'd off about, that she did not come to supper,that she went out for a meal with her DH,or asking you to take her DD home after the playdate?

doggiesayswoof · 18/12/2007 12:22

Are you annoyed that she ignored your invitation to supper? or that she took advantage by asking you to take her dd home? Sorry, basically the same questions as layercake...

Wanderingholly's advice is good as well. That's how I would handle it I think.

S1ur · 18/12/2007 12:23

Yeah i'm a tad confused to.

If you want her as a friend, why not invite her and dp over for dinner really clearly. Or if you're not bothered, just chat away happily and put it down toi misunderstanding?

SquonkaClaus · 18/12/2007 12:23

You seem to be assuming that this is what she does every night...

It may be that her husband rang her during the day to tell her that as a christmas surprise, he had arranged a babysitter so they could go out to a restaurant for their ONE night out a year, and it just happened to coincide with your playdate, which is why she rang to ask if you could drop her dd off for her.

Ask her if she had a nice evening - tell her you were a bit disappointed not to be able to get together with her, but if the opportunity for a night out had arisen, you would also have been dining out

Original poster
Earlybird · 18/12/2007 12:24

layercake - cumulatively it was not a nice way to be treated. Not nice to ignore a supper invite (no matter how casual), not usual for playdate hostess to take child home too, fairly rude to be out when we got to their house. Made me feel like a babysitting/taxi service!

Oh....and most of all, because I expected her to collect her dd/possibly stay for supper, I had tidied our house completely unecessarily, as it happens!

OP posts:
WanderingHolly · 18/12/2007 12:29

Woman pretty rude, though.

She called midway through a playdate to ask a favour, didn't mention she'd be out when her dd was dropped home and ignored the tea invitation.

Perhaps she thought the tea invitation was more casual - drop in if you feel like it, rather than please join us iyswim.

She might be dizzy, rude or a dunderhead. Whichever, it would be nice if she gave you an explanation. This could just turn out to be a case of mixed wires.

I too hate tidying unnecessarily!

doggiesayswoof · 18/12/2007 12:29

I do think it's weird that when she phoned and spoke to you during the playdate she didn't mention that she wouldn't actually be at home when you took her dd home - and that she didn't say why. If she'd explained and apologised she would have had you on her side, instead of making you feel uncomfortable when you got to her house.

She does sound a bit thoughtless, maybe not intentionally so.

If I were you I wouldn't bother extending another invite...just be chatty but keep it brief.

dustyroad · 18/12/2007 12:29

I'm not sure if its that bad to be honest although it's a bit rude not to have given you some sort of explanation and plenty of thanks etc. I guess it depends on how she was when she rang you - if she was all "oh would it be okay if.... I would really appreciate it, thanks ever so much blah blah..." then I would think its okay - maybe the opportunity to go out had just come up, or maybe she had totally forgotten her plans to go out or maybe she was just in a muddle with her timings and arrangements.
Probably worth overlooking (making mental note as suggested) on the first occasion although if this sort of thing were to keep happening it would be different.

With regards to the supper invite, maybe she just thought you were being polite in making the offer and because you didnt follow up for a specific response, maybe she didnt think she needed to take it seriously?

NappiesGaloriaInExcelsis · 18/12/2007 12:29

she could just be v scatty.
she could appear on the surface to be fine and chirpy and happy, but really be a mess behind closed doors.
she and her dh may have suddenly had forst opportunity for many many months to go to dinner so have jumped at chance.

i think hating her, or being pissed off with her is ... hasty.

but if you are likely to be annoyed/hurt by such scattish behaviour, then i would think you should, as WT suggests, make a mental note not to rely on this woman in future. but id still be friendly enough when you come across her.

till she proves far more conclusively than this, that shes a cold hearted, piss taking, inconsiderate bitch, i think it would be off to treat her as such. personally.

layercake · 18/12/2007 12:30

Oh why didnt you say you had done the whole tyding thing........ I would have been wild!!!!!!!!

NappiesGaloriaInExcelsis · 18/12/2007 12:32

unneccessary tidying is indeed a big PITA, sympathies.

RudolphtheBluenosesaintdeer · 18/12/2007 12:33

I always take my dd's playdates home. Maybe she hasn't understood the 'rules'?

I would probably also be guilty of missing a subtle supper invitation too ...

lmao at the tidying just in case, i always do this too, and yes, it would bug me too

ChubbyStuckForAFestiveNameBurd · 18/12/2007 12:33

I LOVE MN.

Verdict: dunderhead.

roffle

Original poster
Earlybird · 18/12/2007 12:39

Oh - perhaps is relevant to say here that this is a very wealthy family with a surname that is unusual/recognisable.
In fact, she told me the other day that their frantic Christmas holiday schedule was only possible because they 'have their own plane'. So, no way was this a 'one time' chance at a night out with her dh.

And completely agree that if she had said 'sorry, but would you mind' I would have been OK about it, but as it was, I ended up feeling like the hired help instead of a contemporary who is a potential friend. Maybe that's the problem.....I'm new and looking to make friends, and she possibly doesn't feel the same need to reach out/connect.

OP posts:
WanderingHolly · 18/12/2007 12:43

I think their Christmas schedule is only possible because they use other people - unfortunately, this means you.

Be friendly but distant, or before long you could be doing other favours for her.

Shamefully, I am now eager to know who they are.....

frogs · 18/12/2007 12:43

EB, are you in the UK?

I thought you were in the US -- maybe the playdate 'rules' are different there? Dd2 went to a playdate recently with an only-child friend of hers, and the mother committed the cardinal playdate sin of not feeding the children. [playdate horror]. So by the time I'd dragged grumpy hungry tired dd2 home by about 6.30pm, I had to start cooking supper for her. Clearly this family all eat together later, and were not aware that playdates are governed by a strict code of conduct. I was not happy, but didn't hold it against her, clearly.

Amusingly, when dd2 went round there again recently, the mother had fallen into line, and fed the children pasta at 5pm on the dot.

Phoning to ask the host mother to bring your child home is a pretty serious playdate sin unless there's a genuine emergency or you know each other very well.

RudolphtheBluenosesaintdeer · 18/12/2007 12:49

LOL at playdate 'sin' - i honestly didn't know there were so many 'rules' when it comes to playdates!!

Good job really as it would have really put me off having any (saying that, that could have been a good thing )

I think we must be more laid back up here

NappiesGaloriaInExcelsis · 18/12/2007 12:49

shiiiiiiit.

if the whole playdate thing is so fraught with potential to make people unhappy/annoyed i think i shall not even try it. hell, they have each other, what do they need mates for??

btw - we are, to outward appearances at v least, v well off. i have full time domestic emplyees, plural. and yet still, dp and i do not seem to find time to get out for dinner more than about twice a year. things are not always so easily readable from outside.

ernest · 18/12/2007 12:50

if she had a nanny at home, it's not like she used you for free baby sitting or anything. you invited the girl.

Ok, she should've politely declined your invitation but maybe is a bit socially cack handed?

I'd still be friendly but play it by ear eg if she mentions the play date seee if she gives reciprocal invitation or if it's all just one sided,

But I wouldn't feel like a mug.

NappiesGaloriaInExcelsis · 18/12/2007 12:50
CountessDraculaboredofxmasname · 18/12/2007 12:51

I wouldn't give a toss to be honest
I mean what has she done wrong
it's only a playdate, not like you have organised a huge party in her honour and she has not turned up!

CountessDraculaboredofxmasname · 18/12/2007 12:51

nappies
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