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Original poster

The time your children spent with their grandparents...

35 replies

emkana · 14/11/2004 18:42

... do you have any say in how this time is spent? Do you feel you should have a say? Whenever dd1 and dd2 are at their grandparents (dh's parents) they are allowed to watch quite a bit of TV - esp. dd1 (3 and a half), dd2 isn't that interested yet. They also play, but not as much as I would like them to. Dh thinks it's the grandparents' prerogative to spoil their grandchildren, and as long as it's not really harmful to them, who cares... the dd's adore to go there and are worshipped by their grandparents. They spend 2 to 3 afternoons a week there. In my more relaxed moments I agree with dh, but sometimes I get really uptight about this. Dh's parents know that I don't let the dd's watch a lot of TV, but I've never explicitly said anything about it. The other issue is food - MIL does give the dd's quite healthy home-cooked dinners, but also a lot more chocolate etc. than I agree with. So is it the grandparents' prerogative? What do you MN'ers think?

OP posts:
jampot · 14/11/2004 18:46

Well as far as Im concerned, our children are brought up the way my dh and I decide and not anyone else including gps. IMHO I would be inclined to let them in on what you will and will not allow (ie. you dont mind some choc but it can make them sick (which obviously you will have to deal with), kids complaining of headaches due to too much tv). Can you send activities round for the gps to do with your children? When my dd used to spend any time (very little admittedly) at her gps house (inlaws) all she used to do was watch Thomas the Tank Engine in the lounge on her own whilst the others sat in the kitchen doing whatever they did. It sooo made me cross.

hmb · 14/11/2004 18:47

Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh, but if you are worried at what activities they are having, don't leave them. I just don't get the chance for any grandparents to take my kids for an afternoon. They don't get much time with the gps which is a great shame, and I have never had any support....which was difficult when dh was in afghanistan and iraq.

If you have specific things you want the children to do, it is up to you to organise it, I think.

I would think differently if it was something harmful, but I don't think that TV comes into that sort of catagory.

Agree a compromise of the sweets.

cab · 14/11/2004 18:47

Think it's down to the grandparents - especially if you are actually leaving the kids there, although you could ask them nicely to cut down on TV and biscuits if you think they'll take any notice. My dd was having a long discussion (with herself) today about which granny she loved to see most - (did tell her that wasn't a nice thing to do). She decided my mum won cos she offered the best choc biscuits - better not tell my mum. Dd doesn't get biscuits at home so I turn a blind eye at the grannies houses.

janeybops · 14/11/2004 18:48

This is a difficult one - my mum gives the children far too many presents (comics, sticker books, sweets etc) IMO.

She also lets my eldest get away with a lot of behaviour she wisn't aloud to get away with me. When I get her back she is always so rude and obnoxious!

Not sure what to do - I have aske my mum not to buy her so much stuff, but then she does do it secretly!

Part of me thinks it is there job to spoil them but on the other hand it is making life difficult for me.

Would a quiet word from you or DH be of help or make it worse?

fisil · 14/11/2004 18:49

My mum tells me its her prerogative (e.g. giving ds a taste of her wine, buying him lovely toys etc.), but we live a long way away, and they only see him every other month or so, and not often alone. So I tend to agree with her, but I wouldn't do if ds was seeing them more regularly. Then again, I think I must be quite assertive with my mum about how we bring up ds, because she asked if we were giving him a stocking - no - so she very sweetly asked permission if they could, and was happy to agre a compromise. I'm glad she asked - I'm pleased she wants to spoil her grandchildren, but I'm pleased that she wants to do it within our limits!

Original poster
emkana · 14/11/2004 18:50

TBH I can't claim to see any adverse effects from what they do... it's just my personaly uneasiness at things I don't agree with generally.
And they do play with the dd's - in the summer they spent time in the garden, they do colouring, play with dolls, do picnics on the living room floor, do baking, read books... so it's not that I can complain that they won't do anything else, it's just that the "good" activities take up about 20 to 30 % of the time, and TV the rest of the time. And dh is not very keen on my saying anything, as he doesn't see any problem with it...

OP posts:
Davros · 14/11/2004 18:51

My children have never had the opportunity to spend time with their grandparents, I wish!

Original poster
emkana · 14/11/2004 18:53

See hmb, I truly am grateful that I have the support of my in laws, and it would be cruel to both them and my dd's not to let them spend time together as my in laws adore the dd's, and vice versa. So not leaving them there is not an option, and not something I would want to do - I think it's great that my daughters have such a great relationship with their grandparents.

OP posts:
jampot · 14/11/2004 18:53

I think fisil's post is spot on - they want to spoil the grandkids but within the parents limits - surely the perfect idea.

Maybe its because my children dont really have any extended family that they see that I feel the way I do but as far as Im concerned, dh and I bring our children up and we set the boundaries.

tamum · 14/11/2004 18:54

My feeling would be to be relaxed about the television assuming it's not absolutely all they do, but I think it's entirely reasonable to make stipulations about chocolate and so on. They aren't going to be the ones who have to take your children to the dentist if they need fillings, are they? My grandparents used to have the television on all the time, even in the days before daytime TV, and I thought it was absolute bliss

blossomhill · 14/11/2004 18:55

I am just grateful that they have time with their gp's. I agree that gp's should be allowed to spoil there grandchildren and I am happy to take a back sit and let them!

tamum · 14/11/2004 18:58

I hadn't seen your last post before I posted, emkana. If they are making the effort to do nice activities with them then I really would try not to worry. Maybe they just find it too tiring to keep up that level of action the whole time?

Lonelymum · 14/11/2004 18:59

I have to admit that both my parents and dh's mother are far less likely to leave our children in front of the TV than dh and I are, but I take the point. My MIL annoys me because she never takes the children out so if they stay with her, they stay in her house or garden all the time which I find sad. However, we are just grateful that someone will have our children for a day or two thus giving us a break, so, on the whole, I think you should relax and let the grandparents get on with it. Afterall, they are experienced parents themselves.

Hulababy · 14/11/2004 19:02

DD spends one day a week with my PILs during term time, and my parents baby sit on average one evening every 4 to 6 weeks or - and my mum gets the odd full day when I have to work an extra day or something.

TBH I don't worry about what the get up too. My main concern is that DD and her grandparents have a great time together. They know the key rules - no smacking (don't think they would have anyway), only one chocolate treat a day (no other types of sweets if possible), only one juice bottle (fruit shoot type) a day - she doesn't have it with me, nut sometimes when out and about in cafes it's the only kiddy option - and that's about it.

TBH they probably do more with her than I do - cooking/baking, day trips out, actually spending lengthy periods of time together playing her stuff (i do other stuff when I have her like houseowrk at same time, they don't).

Yes, she gets spoilt. Yes she goes to bed later than she should (if baby sitting) and no doubt some of the sweet rules are broken.

BUT DD adores both set of grandparents totally and utterly, and they her. And I remember being spoilt my my grandparents too, and it did me no harm whatsoever.

I figure it's not every day, and being able to spoil is one of the benefits of being a grandparent.

fisil · 14/11/2004 19:02

I know that I was brought up by a mum who believed that boredom was an important educational experience. In fact, sometimes when mum & I are talking about teaching (we're both secondary teachers) we often talk about how kids don't know how to deal with boredom these days. Mind you, my mum's response to that is 20-30% organised activity, and the rest of the time playing alone, not TV, she would see that (I think) as the reason why the kids can't cope with boredom. What I'm saying, in a long winded way, is that it may be a part of their parenting beliefs (and as LM said, they're experienced parents, and you turned out OK)

Original poster
emkana · 14/11/2004 19:06

Interesting, fisil - that's my approach, too - I don't do stuff with my dd's all the time (I'm a SAHM), but they spend a lot of time playing alone (esp. dd1) and she does it beautifully and in a very creative way, never once asking if she could have the TV on. But at gp's she expects either to be played with or to have the TV on, will actually whinge for cbeebies etc. - so she knows exactly what to expect where!

OP posts:
Hulababy · 14/11/2004 19:09

I also agree with you both on the idea of not too much organised play, and letting DD play alone (minus TV) for time as well. DD is only 2.5yo but she plays really lovely on her own. TBH when she does I find that I end up still not getting my work done, as I love to just watch and listen to her playing at house with her babies, or with her doll's house. It can be so sweet, and sometimes so funny.

codswallop · 14/11/2004 19:09

No I htink let them be indulged

you lett hem have them so let them so it their way

Original poster
emkana · 14/11/2004 19:11

Following on from what you say codswallop and what hmb posted...
do you think that spending 2 to 3 afternoons at gp's house is too much? I know I said I wouldn't change it, but do people here think that this is wrong?

OP posts:
codswallop · 14/11/2004 19:16

well If you need it to go to work Isuppose
my paresnts live 5 mins away and tend to drop in or haev the kids ad hoc rahterh than anything planned, they ,ay see them ( alone) once a week if that a dn then ther erst of the time we may drop past

Mind you its differetn when theya re not at school.
Ithink if the w hole iss ue abotu what they are doing htere is worrying you then reudce it teo twice a week

codswallop · 14/11/2004 19:17

but int eh end see them prob three times a week but ofen we are all together when they do
mins you when I start my new work they wioll mop up when I am on my way home till 6 pm

Original poster
emkana · 14/11/2004 19:20

I don't need it to go to work - it's just to give me time in the week without the children - I use the time to do the ironing, clean, go to the hairdresser's, write letters... things like that.
Does that make it wrong, do you think?

OP posts:
throckenholt · 14/11/2004 19:21

it depends how often they see them. If mine were spending 2-3 afternoons per week with someone (whoever) I would want them to at least approximate to my rules. If they were only with them once a fortnight I wouldn't bother too much.

If I were you I would speak to them about a bit less TV and a bit less chocolate, and maybe suggest a few things the girls like doing - without being pushy about exactly what they should be doing. Sure they can spoil them a bit - but spoil them with better things than TV and chocolate ! Mine would be spoilt if they were allowed to drive round on granddad's ride-on mower all afternoon .

codswallop · 14/11/2004 19:22

no not really but mine is nt so rigidly organised as that.
no I ma sure thats fine, not worng at all but I wodul relax abotu what they do there - after all you opt out and go and relax maybe they need time frorme you too ;)

(when ds3 started nusrery my sister said " Oh he will love it! hell be desperate to escape you allt he time"!! she was right!)

codswallop · 14/11/2004 19:25

I think we all disagree here sot hat snot much use to you!
whats does dh say
rememeber that this period wont last for long - they will be off at school soon and it will all felel like a storm in a tea cup