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Original poster

Hug Etiquette

36 replies

JaffaCake70 · 07/11/2021 20:28

Hi all

To give you a bit of background: I have been with my DP for just over a year, I have met the family members that I will refer to here only once before this occasion.

I was invited to the birthday celebration of one of my DP's relatives over the weekend, it was a lovely occasion, DP's family are lovely, welcoming, friendly people.

As I was about to leave the party, two members of DP's family went in for hugs, which I reciprocated. The next person stood closest to me as I was leaving was the Sister of one of the family members that had hugged me, so I opened my arms to hug her. My gesture was met with a look of suprise/horror, the ensuing hug was one of utter awkwardness as this person stood ramrod straight and I kind of put my arms around her upper arms and patted her :-/ Majorly awkward.

My question is: Where do the Mumsnetters stand on the trend in recent years for hugging everyone?

Firstly, I know Covid is still a thing and we probably shouldn't be hugging people so freely, but putting that aside, I'm interested to know what the accepted social etiquette is and where you all stand with it?

I personally do not feel comfortable hugging as freely as I have been doing in recent years, and after thinking about it over the weekend I've realised that I only do it because it's what a lot of people seem to expect these days.

I'm a child of the 70's and was not brought up in a huggy/kissy society. Even my own parents were not given to frequent displays of affection towards myself, my Brother and my Sister. My Dad would kiss us on the cheek on Christmas Day if we were lucky!

I've noticed in recent years that even in work people are given to hugging each other, don't get me wrong, I'll give someone a hug if they're upset over something but I just don't see the need for these pda's all the time.

I felt really daft after my failed hug attempt at the weekend, but I completely understand the reason for the rebuff. It's got me to thinking that I'm not going to offer hugs as a general rule in future, I'll hug my own family, Mum, Sister, Sons etc, but aside from that I think I'm about to become a hug free zone.

What do you all think?

OP posts:
Bogeyes · 07/11/2021 20:29

Hugging? No thanks. Please don't invade my space

KrispyKale · 07/11/2021 20:32

Outside of my genuinely close family I hate hugging now really.
My closest friend doesn't like hugging at all so we just don't. Our favoured show of support is the arm touch.😂
It's a bit mad that I get introduced to complete strangers who go in for a hug.🤷

Robin233 · 07/11/2021 20:34

Your dp's family sound lovely. Similar ti my dh's.
General rule of thumb (before covid) I played it by ear.
One sister hugs other doesn't
So I don't offer hugs but always except one 😊

spotcheck · 07/11/2021 20:41

Agree, play it by ear.
But if you are a Non-Hugger , just work on your arm touch/ sincere look combo

MeredithGreyishblue · 07/11/2021 20:42

I really don't like hugging anyone except my children. Never have. Not covid related.

I do it if I think it'll make a difference to someone but it names me really uncomfortable!

MegSpace · 07/11/2021 20:48

I'm not a hugger so I don't initiate but if someone from family or friends hugs me I briefly reciprocate with a few pats on back.
The only people I really like hugging are my husband and children.

MrTulkingIsFeelingHorny · 07/11/2021 20:52

Also a child of the 70s, and a non-hugger (no interest in Covid, so that has made no difference to anything). If someone comes in with a hug, I put up with it, but I'd rather not.

The only people I hug are my dad (who has always been a huggy person) and my partner, in private. My (not adult) DC aren't huggy either, but they know they are loved!

MadMadMadamMim · 07/11/2021 21:01

Another child of the 70s. Hugging people you barely know is odd and weird and I hate it.

I don't hug family, frankly. A sort of sketchy salute and a "See you" generally does it for my lot.

Stopsnowing · 07/11/2021 21:09

I now step back when people try to hug me. It is really not on in covid times. Just ask first if you must and be prepared to be told not to!!

Original poster
JaffaCake70 · 07/11/2021 21:13

@Stopsnowing

I now step back when people try to hug me. It is really not on in covid times. Just ask first if you must and be prepared to be told not to!!
I really don't want to and fully intend not to in the future!
OP posts:
Iloveallofthem · 07/11/2021 21:16

I have really shit mental health and a couple of people have hugged me these past few months. Those hugs, and those people, have meant the absolute world to me.

Original poster
JaffaCake70 · 07/11/2021 21:21

@Iloveallofthem

I have really shit mental health and a couple of people have hugged me these past few months. Those hugs, and those people, have meant the absolute world to me.
These are the kind of hugs that I am more than happy to give. My Father took his own life in 1992, my Son suffers severe anxiety, and I have been living with/taking care of my Brother for the past 18 months as he had a breakdown as the result of his 30 yr relationship ending.

My question is more about the etiquette of hugging people as a means of greeting or saying goodbye at social gatherings with people that you barely know.

OP posts:
cortex10 · 07/11/2021 21:26

I have been glad to use COVID as my excuse to stop hugging and have managed to stick to it so far - I've never liked hugging but it sort of became expected among our friends over recent years. Some do react with surprise when I step back but I'm determined to keep to no hugs for me from now onwards.

KrispyKale · 07/11/2021 21:29

A genuine hug us quite a different thong to these odd social ones with a fake kisst thrown in.

KrispyKale · 07/11/2021 21:30

Thing..

MsPickle · 07/11/2021 21:30

I'll hug my kids, DH, close family. I won't hug at work so I am the awkward person turning them down sometimes! I also don't like being introduced to people who then try and hug me. But, pre Covid, the formal cheek kiss from people where that's their cultural norm was ok. And I've always been a bit baffled by how that's fine with me but the hug isn't. Same Invasion of my personal space but somehow less bad than a hug.

I'm sorry to hear you lost your Dad OP and send you wishes of strength as you support your DS and your brother. My above rules go out of the window if it is a really distressed person, I'll find a way to comfort even if a full hug isn't acceptable (I work in a University. It wouldn't be ok for me to swoop into give my students a hug in my opinion. That's when the shoulder or arm touch can be good)

Rummikub · 07/11/2021 21:32

Oh yeah cease with the hugging
Can’t stand it
Especially from randomers.

Allsorts1 · 07/11/2021 23:22

I and my social circle hug and double cheek kiss when greeting and hug goodbye. If there is a new person being introduced I’ll do a double kiss, but big greety hugs are for friends and family get hugs no kisses. So formal is kiss, friends and family get hugs. I love a hug! Don’t let one standoffish person make you stop hugging! I’m not born in the UK though so maybe that’s the difference

Allsorts1 · 07/11/2021 23:23

Wouldn’t hug at work though except maybe close colleagues once for leaving at Xmas break or if they were close and leaving the company - but even then probably not really. I do always feel like I want to, but will hold myself back Grin

Vroomed · 07/11/2021 23:28

I hate it. I'll hug my DC and DH, no problem but why do others especially people I've just been introduced to want to wrap their arms around me, I've no idea. I'll be using covid as an excuse forever.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 07/11/2021 23:39

I hated hugging before covid so was glad to have the perfect excuse !

DramaAlpaca · 07/11/2021 23:42

I hug my children, DH, my immediate family and close friends. That's it. But I'd rather a hug than that air kissing nonsense. Urrgh.

greenlynx · 07/11/2021 23:46

Another child of 70s who hate hugging even without Covid. I never hug friends in every day life when greeting/leaving. My relatives all live in different country. I usually hug parents, siblings and nephew on arrival and departure, that’s all. I wouldn’t like someone hugging me if I’m upset I prefer reassuring words.
I hug DH and DD a lot but it’s different.

Kite22 · 07/11/2021 23:58

Setting aside COVID, I think it is a 'depends' situation.
We have extended family made up of 6 different 'house families'. 5 of the families we visit don't hug and 1 does. It is the influence of the "in-law" from that sibling, where the whole family give hugs to everyone, long before it became a fashion amongst teens.
I just expect hugs from them when I see them, and we have never done so with all the others.
No drama.
Just judge each situation as you go along - read the body language.

notangelinajolie · 08/11/2021 00:05

Hugging is a very personal thing and it needs both parties to feel comfortable with it.
I hug one of my 3 adult children all the time. She is very huggy and touch feely and tells me she loves me all the time.
My other 2 don't do hugs, kisses or I love yous ever.
DH is good for a hug when I'm sad.
It's not easy to guess how a stranger would be with hugging - so probably best to do nothing and wait for them to offer a hug.
I did get a hug once from my pop star crush once which was very nice since I didn't ask for one 🥰