Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Other subjects
Original poster

We are wading uphill through custard (to steal a phrase from motherinferior)

47 replies

Prunie · 07/12/2007 07:48

Everything's a struggle at the moment - I know, it's Christmas time, bit stressy anyway. I seem to be constantly cajoling or reminding or rethinking or dealing with some aspect of ds's behaviour, something that dh has forgotten to do...just want to go and hide under a stone, really.

DS has just got up, reluctantly agreed to give me half a cuddle, then slapped me in the face. It's kind of hard to have a good day when you start it like that.

I don't know why I am posting this really, just need a bit of help keeping the mask of serene indifference from slipping.

OP posts:
FrannyandZooey · 07/12/2007 08:29

Pruni Prunester

you are fab and one day all this will be over and ds will be taking you out for lunch somewhere smart

so sorry to hear about the custard, life shouildn't be like that but so often can be

thank ds's lucky stars he has someone like you to look out for him and point him the right way. It will all come good.

Issy · 07/12/2007 08:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request

Original poster
Prunie · 07/12/2007 09:45

Love the idea of ds taking me out somewhere lovely
We all took MIL out to GR's Claridges once and she says it was one of the best days ever - her two boys (and hangers-on ) all grown up etc.

Issy that sounds really quite custardy, yes...may things improve after a good blub.

It is such a struggle sometimes to always be the adult

OP posts:
ahundredtimes · 07/12/2007 09:49

I've got an actor friend who once had an audition for an advert where he had to pretend to be running from a huge wave of custard.

I think I'd get that job at the moment. The wave is towering above me and waiting to come crashing down around us.

It's the time of year. All dcs are exhausted and foul and excited at once, and I'm tired and can't be bothered to think of inventive ways to get them out of bed, eat their breakfast, do their homework etc.

He didn't get the job btw, but I reckon it'd be a shoe-in for us wouldn't it?

Original poster
Prunie · 07/12/2007 09:54

I can feel it wibbling above my head, 110x

It isn't just this time of year, we have had a hard year tbh

moving/ivf/ds being worrisome/dh away enough to make it hard/absolutely no more money

But at least no illness/bereavement/bankruptcy/convictions...

It sort of takes the edge off life when the best thing you can say is "at least nobody died and we aren't living on the streets"

God I am just moaning now

OP posts:
ahundredtimes · 07/12/2007 09:57

Oh god moan away.

You're doing well if you've still got your head above the custard (just). I never think it helpful to tell myself that things could be worse. It makes me feel pessimistic. I prefer to say 'yes that was bad, now what?'

Sorry you've had a bad year though Prunie.

FrannyandZooey · 07/12/2007 09:57

When ds was little I used to feel a sense of achievement if we were all wearing clean clothes (I mean, clothes that had been clean when we put them on in the morning, not necessarily that had remained clean) and if we sat down to one reasonably nutritious meal a day

I do think the small stuff gets overlooked, but feel free to punch me now

ahundredtimes · 07/12/2007 10:00

Wouldn't dream of it.

Actually you're right. Counting small successes is everything.
Let's do that Prunie.

FrannyandZooey · 07/12/2007 10:02

LOL that was to Pruni

I wouldn't have dreamt of making that suggestion if I knew YOU were standing next to me

ahundredtimes · 07/12/2007 10:02
  1. DS2 has said he won't keep dd up at night anymore.
  2. DS1 said 'thank you' for his breakfast this morning.
  3. DH bought be a birthday present yesterday,
  4. erm . . the carpets were cleaned.

Those are mine. Prunie?

ahundredtimes · 07/12/2007 10:02

LOL. Oh gawn, tempt me.

Original poster
Prunie · 07/12/2007 10:03

The small stuff is really what's getting me down, Franny. DS and I seem to be out of synch. We try and try to help him through whatever hard bit he's going through and he just comes up with more, better ways to torture us.
We have to leave the house at 12.15 to get to nursery.
Almost every day, I will have had twenty different battles to a chieve that, and had to go away and talk myself out of screaming at him several times.
I feel like if we can't work together to get ready by noon (ffs) then we are in a bit of trouble perhaps. (Or I am.)

OP posts:
FlamingTomato · 07/12/2007 10:05

I know this won't help any of you, but might maybe make you feel a little bit better - at least in this country you are allowed to fight off a rapist without getting hung for it.

FrannyandZooey · 07/12/2007 10:05

Yes I see what you mean. Does he like going to nursery? What's the problem about getting ready? is it getting dressed and stuff like that?

FrannyandZooey · 07/12/2007 10:06

and bloody good going for talking yourself out of screaming at him

I haven't worked out how to do that very well yet - you see, he is bloody lucky to have you

AnAngelWithin · 07/12/2007 10:08

i know the feeling

Original poster
Prunie · 07/12/2007 10:09

He likes nursery. It's something to assert himself about with me, that's all. No I'm not going to get dressed, wilfully putting his shoes on the wrong feet so we have to stop half way down the road and I have to do it for him, not eating lunch before we go etc etc. Randomly hitting me and totally and utterly not listening and just basically pushing every button he can.
I know he's just 4 (nearly) but he's bloody bright at it.
"Mummy? Yes dear. I am not listening to you. Did you know that? I am not listening and I am not going to listen because I know it makes you sad."

OP posts:
ahundredtimes · 07/12/2007 10:10

I agree with Franny.

It's really easy to fall into the vortex, and bloody difficult to haul yourself out of it. We repeatedly fall into fights like this, and I often can't see a way out of it because I get stuck in the fight.

Can we find some ways to change the habit of the fight to get to nursery?

Original poster
Prunie · 07/12/2007 10:12

I suppose getting off MN would be a start!
He is upstairs playing though atm and I don't want to stop him.

OP posts:
ahundredtimes · 07/12/2007 10:13

Okay, so can you change the buttons, or control your responses to the buttons?

If you stand over him asking him to eat his lunch, put it on the table and say 'Eat your lunch love, I'm going to put the laundry away and then we'll go to nursery' and leave the room.

He might follow you and kick up where you are, and you'll have to smile and step over him and say 'aren't you eating your lunch then?'

It takes a lot of gritted teeth and leaving the room this though, but often I find mine, ds2 in particular, does this to look for the cross response, so I just remove all responses. I don't know if that makes sense.

FrannyandZooey · 07/12/2007 10:14

God he is bright isn't he. What a mare.

I expect you do everything already but have you tried natural consequences? If you don't get dressed then you go to nursery in your pjs. If you put your shoes on the wrong feet then you wear them like that until you sit yourself down and sort them out. If you have a tantrum in the street because I won't do them for you, then we stand there (take a book to read?) until you sort yourself out, and then we are late for nursery and you miss X (hopefully interesting bit of nursery)

does any of that appeal, or does it seem harsh, or does it not work?

Lazycow · 07/12/2007 10:20

Prunie

You sound like you are having a hard time. I don't know how old your ds is but at the moment I am really struggling with ds in this way too.

This morning he insisted I get up to play with him instead of dh (dh had kindly offered to let me have a lie in but ds wasn't having any of it).

So I got up and after asking ds what he wanted to play and being told 'you choose' I made a couple of suggestions about what we should play. Ds proceeded to say no to all my suggestions until I got exasperated.

He then said yes to the next thing I suggested (making something/crafty stuff) and proceeded to watch me do it and refuse to do anything other than watch, he then said what we (well I really) made was 'disgusting' and 'not very good'

I have to admit I felt ridiculously hurt and this led to me saying I needed to make breakfast so he would have to play alone. this was then followed by a massive tantrum from ds saying 'but I want to Plaaayyyyy'. Cue me starting to rant, ds crying and saying 'mummy I neeed you', followed by huge guilt and tears on my part. Our day as you can see did not start well either.

We too have had a lot of difficulties in the last few months including my ill elderly father and my frail mother and my guilt at how little I can do for them, the possibility of moving, an abrupt end to our prevuious childcare (due to mad cm) which resulted in a rush to find a nursery and resultant need for me to take a lot of unpaid leave to cover the shortfall in childcare we currently have.

As for geeting ds to nursery in the I find that the afternoon sessions are MUCH harder to get to then the morning ones for some reason. I think it is the constraint they make on your day.

One thing that I have actually found works though I appreciate it can be difficult is to have a day where I just don't try and do anything and we do everything at ds's pace.

Those days are often quite blissful with very little conflict. The problem is that is really not possible very often and of course he doesn't go to nursery on those days.

Original poster
Prunie · 07/12/2007 10:25

100x did that yesterday
No lunch eaten (but not my problem, really, other than he is thin and wiry and I worry).
Actually come to think of it, yesterday was a better day.

Franny, that sort of thing simply does not work. Basically, nursery is great, but he'd just as soon stay home and play with his toys (and me). I can't say he looks forward to it but I instinctively feel he enjoys being there, iyswim. He doesn't look forward to much, actually. I am making this out to be perhaps worse than it is, I think tbh the problem is me, I get so soul-destroyed by having to reiterate the same arbitrary shit just to manipulate ds into conforming.

I wish I had a child with a simple character though!

OP posts:
Marina · 07/12/2007 10:28

Prune, big sympathies - and to others on here too. I think a lot of us seem to be stuck fast in a deeply unfestive trifle of partner wobbles, work worries and general lowering angst, right now.
I think your comment "It sort of takes the edge off life when the best thing you can say is "at least nobody died and we aren't living on the streets" is utterly true, in fact it's just made me blub a bit.
I do know of a top playgroup in Edinburgh where they would love your ds, if you are interested.
We are up for new year and would love to see you, even little Mr Pushy-Buttons XXX

Original poster
Prunie · 07/12/2007 10:28

Lazycow your description of playing with your ds is exactly what mine does, quite often. Nobody ever told me how much these things would hurt and how often I'd have to just swallow it and soldier on.
Sorry you are having a hard time too.

OP posts: