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Original poster

Shoud I leave or take him with me ?

50 replies

forattentionofyorkiegirl · 03/11/2004 20:06

Hi.
Not sure where to post this,
I'm getting in a terrible muddle, DD (age 10 on saturday) is going to brownie camp on friday till monday, I said i will take and stay with her as shes never met anyone before (lone brownies).
My problem is, i have to leave ds(6) and ds(16 months) with dh for at least 3 nights , could be 5 if the weathers bad, and i've only ever been part from ds2 for a maximum of 3 hours (coastguard training). I'm sure ds's would be fine but dh isn't at all enthuisastic about being left with them,
I would appreciate any views or comments you have to help me decide what to do.
Do I take ds2 with me or make dh look after him ?

OP posts:
Yorkiegirl · 03/11/2004 20:10

Message withdrawn

bensmum3 · 03/11/2004 20:22

Argh sorry, it wouldn't accept my usual name , then i returned and it had accepted the other one, I guess i'm better at children than computers!

KateandtheGirls · 03/11/2004 20:24

The fact that you even have to consider "making" your husband take care of his own son is so sad. Tell him it's the 21st Century, FGS!

zephyrcat · 03/11/2004 20:25

I'd say go with your instincs on this one. Is dh quite capable of looking after them both? Would he know what to do in an emergency? I dont mean it to sound patronising against him but I would worry about leaving my dp with ours for that long lol It's not worth it if you will spend the days worrying yourself sick! On the other hand if dh is wonderful with them what are you waiting for?! Perfect chance for a girly getaway

hercules · 03/11/2004 20:26

Is he their dad? If so then it shouldnt be an issue for him.

hercules · 03/11/2004 20:27

He's not a child as well.

bensmum3 · 03/11/2004 20:41

Hi,
Yes , he is their Dad, and he is ok with them, he's just never had to look after them , because i've always been there or taken them with me, I had to leave the older 2 with him when i was approaching my due date with ds2 , and they were fine for about a week, also had inlaws though, but ds2 is so much younger,will he be ok ?
thankyou for your comments.

hercules · 03/11/2004 20:42

Do you really not feel he is capable of looking after his own kids?
I would say go and spend quality time with your dd.

zephyrcat · 03/11/2004 20:42

as long as he's clued up on what to do in an emergency and/or has someone close by he can contact i should think he'll be fine. Hope you have a lovely time

zephyrcat · 03/11/2004 20:43

ps - might be worth leaving a list of instructions too!

Ghosty · 03/11/2004 20:51

I left DS (nearly 5) and DD (8.5 months) with DH for 2 nights a couple of weeks ago and believe it or not the house didn't collapse and the children didn't starve (DD is still breastfed too and had to take a bottle for 2 days) ...
DH even took both of them swimming which I haven't dared do yet ...
Just go for it ... leave lots of instructions to make him feel better (like what to eat and when, when nap times are, when bathtime is, what the bedtime routine is) and go and have fun with DD!

The day I got back I asked DH whether DD had eaten much toast and vegemite and he said she hadn't eaten any at all ... when I asked him why he said because it wasn't written down .... so he followed my instructions by the letter.

hercules · 03/11/2004 20:55

I cant believe that there are still men out there like this. Dh has looked after dd whilst i've been at work since she was 5 months or so. I didnt leave any instructions or emergency procedures. He does this whilst also looking after ds (8) and works nights.
The thought never entered my mind and tbh he would have been insulted had I suggested he wasnt capable of looking after his own kids.

jasper · 03/11/2004 21:03

now is as good a time as any for dh to learn how to take care of his own children.
Have a great time at brownie camp

jasper · 03/11/2004 21:04

personally I would NOT leave instructions.
Did someone issue YOU with instructions on how to look after your children? I doubt it.

Ghosty · 03/11/2004 21:09

I think there is a place for instructions if the partner who isn't the primary carer never looks after them. My DH didn't really need instructions ... I just gave them to him as a guide line as when he is at home he just plays with DD and it might not occur to him that she has a routine. It is only because she is a baby and routine is important to us ... with DS I wouldn't dream of leaving instructions.

Ghosty · 03/11/2004 21:12

What I mean is, if I looked after a friend's child I would want instructions on when nap times were because just because I am a parent and know how to look after children, all babies do things in different routines ....
For example, my neighbour's baby has a big nap at 10am but mine normally has hers at 1pm(ish) so I would need my neighbour to tell me that ... if I was looking after her baby that is ...

hercules · 03/11/2004 21:12

But it's his baby too not a neighbours. What about his days off?

hercules · 03/11/2004 21:14

DH has always been very involved and hands on. I guess it would just never occur to me he wouldnt manage.

KateandtheGirls · 04/11/2004 00:52

Hercules, I'm with you all the way on this. Ghosty, isn't your husband home on his days off? If so he should know when the baby naps. I do think the idea of leaving instructions is ridiculous. The father should be perfectly capable of taking care of his own children, even if he does do some things differently than the mother.

KateandtheGirls · 04/11/2004 00:53

And bensmum, your son is 16 months old, it's not even as if he is a newborn. Don't you see that there is something wrong if you're asking if your 16 months old's father will be OK looking after him?

bensmum3 · 04/11/2004 09:16

Yes, I know it's ridiculous, I 've just never needed to leave him before and dh has the male * attitude (mothers place is in the home etc) which most of the time works ok for us, but once i go thats it, i'm dependent on the ferry to get home which as i say should be monday, but it might not be if the wind blows up, but i'm getting the impression most of you think they should be ok anyway!

aloha · 04/11/2004 09:24

I think it will do him the world of good to look after them both. Does his/your family live nearby and do you have friends that your kids like playing with to take them for visits and a bit of social interaction (for him as much as them!) ?
Leave a few instructions if it makes you feel more comfortable, and look on this as a chance for your husband to a/learn to appreciate all you do for your family b/bond with his boys - a win/win situation.

Libra · 04/11/2004 11:40

I would definitely go (left seven month baby in care of DH for a week to fly to a conference in California). But when you return be prepared for a complete mess and DON'T immediately moan about it the minute you arrive back or he will never look after them again. DON'T demand to know about feeding, bedtimes etc while you were away - that is all up to him while you are not there. Be appreciative of the different things he has done with them (even if the different things involved staying up to watch the football) because his time with them will be a different experience. While I agree he may need to know certain things about the baby if he is not the primary carer, he should be allowed to set his own timetables etc and should not have to stick to how you like things done. I find that my boys know that there are certain things they can get away with when DH is in charge (and vice versa) and are not confused by changes in routine when one of us is away. This happens quite a lot since we both need to go to conferences, and DH is perfectly capable of undertaking their care and most household chores (although not at the same time obviously since the multi-tasking gene is definitely female!)

Bozza · 04/11/2004 11:59

I understand where you are coming from but I think you need to bite the bullet and go for it. Sometimes the anticipation is worse than actually doing it.

I'm going out Christmas shopping on Saturday morning and leaving DS and DD with DH and he's not happy and its only for a morning. Had a big talk about it last night - and it annoys me that I have to push him into doing it but if I don't things will remain the same. In my case its only for a morning after all. DS is 3.8 and DD is 0.5 btw. I think its DD that bothers him.

Fibe · 04/11/2004 12:03

agree with what others have said - another option would be for DH to go away on weekend with DD (can dad's do that?) - might be nice father/daughter bonding