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Original poster

Shoud I leave or take him with me ?

50 replies

forattentionofyorkiegirl · 03/11/2004 20:06

Hi.
Not sure where to post this,
I'm getting in a terrible muddle, DD (age 10 on saturday) is going to brownie camp on friday till monday, I said i will take and stay with her as shes never met anyone before (lone brownies).
My problem is, i have to leave ds(6) and ds(16 months) with dh for at least 3 nights , could be 5 if the weathers bad, and i've only ever been part from ds2 for a maximum of 3 hours (coastguard training). I'm sure ds's would be fine but dh isn't at all enthuisastic about being left with them,
I would appreciate any views or comments you have to help me decide what to do.
Do I take ds2 with me or make dh look after him ?

OP posts:

KateandtheGirls · 04/11/2004 12:16

You don't get it do you? Of course they'll be OK. What do you think is going to happen while you're not there? I don't think the world will come to an end.

hercules · 04/11/2004 12:27

I have to admit to being shocked at some of the posts on this thread.
I just cannot imagine having a partner who isnt keen on looking after the kids on their own.

Do they act this way because they're allowed to? Or are they just selfish?

prufrock · 04/11/2004 12:30

I would definately go. But I'm with ghosty on the instructions. DH did as much childcare as me for dd, but now that I have ds as well and am a SAHM he definately doesn't know the minutae of our day to day lives. (Though he knows bathtime routines and the teeth cleaning song far better than me)
Weekends are a bit different to weekdays - we all get up a bit later and have brunch for example, so I would have to tell dh about our "normal" timings for meals.
I think saying that a parent working outside the home should be able to step into the SAHP's role without any instruction does slightly dismiss the important role that the SAHP does - it's my JOB. And I wouldn't expect to be able to walk into dh's office and do his job without him at least giving me some training.

KateandtheGirls · 04/11/2004 12:38

Prufrock, I don't think you can make that comparison at all. Do you spend any time at your husband's office and with his colleagues? Do you sit in on important meetings? Do you have the necessary qualifications for his job? Do you make an effort to keep up to date on the important goings-on in the office?

I do agree that if you want the children's routines to be exactly the same while you're not there then you would need to leave instructions. My point is that it won't be exactly the same, but that's OK. If the father isn't just as capable as looking after the kids as the mother (the one exception being if she's nursing), then that's a problem IMO.

KateandtheGirls · 04/11/2004 12:38

Hercules, agree with you again. I would never have had children with a man who didn't want to spend one on one time with the kids.

hercules · 04/11/2004 12:39

Your wrong there kate. I left dd with dh when she was bf only. She wouldnt take the bottle with me but he managed fine. HE had no concerns he wouldnt.

Bozza · 04/11/2004 12:40

hercules I guess I'm one that you are referring to. I think my DH is scared (but he was definitely accused of being selfish last night ) which is why I think I need to force the issue with him. To be fair to him I have only just stopped exclusively breastfeeding DD. Although OTOH I have expressed since she was a week old and made sure that she would take a bottle although most of the time it has been me giving it to her (how frustrating is that?). I am disappointed because when DS was this age (exactly to the week) I left him overnight with DH while I went on a friend's hen night - probably a total of about 30 hours absence.

TBH I'm not that bothered about shopping on Saturday but think my absence is required.

Think BensMum needs to force the issue too.

clairabelle · 04/11/2004 12:43

Is it me or was the original post a request for opinions about whether or not to take her ds with her not a free for all to condemn her dh's childminding capabilities.

jenny180283 · 04/11/2004 12:47

i went away with the brownies for the 1st time and didnt want to go at 1st but when i was there loved it and the time soon flew by and i was at home again but i would let dh look after them it will do u all a lot of good he will cope

hercules · 04/11/2004 12:50

It was a request whether she should make her dh look after his sons.

prufrock · 04/11/2004 12:52

Actually Kate yes to all but teh spending time at his office, but then he works next to me in the study for 3 hours each evening so Icould even qualify there [wink}
I agree that a father should eb as capable of looking after huis kids (I left dd with dh for a week when she was 9 months - and no inxs - he knew how to take her to nursery and the evening stuff as well as I did). But why should he be expected to just "know" that if dd has breakfast at 8 the grumpiness she exhibits at 10ish is a need for a drink and snack? Or know where the paints are, and the order in which she has to put thm into the tray to avoid upset? We don't do painting at weekends!

KateandtheGirls · 04/11/2004 14:14

I know Hercules that men can also look after their breastfed babies (), but that was the only reasonable excuse that I could think of that someone might make.

Clairabelle, the original question was "Do I take ds2 with me or make dh look after him ?", and Bensmum also said "dh isn't at all enthuisastic about being left with them". In that light I think all our comments have been reasonable.

Prufrock, I would just take it for granted that my husband would be able to figure out, or at least take a guess, that if she's grumpy then maybe she's hungry and thirsty. And I would also expect him to know where things like paints are stored in his own house. If not, surely he'd be able to find them? And if she throws a fit because he puts the paints in in the wrong order, does it really matter? He should be capable of dealing with the situation, and she learns that different people do things differently. I guess we just have different expectations for the competency of our husbands with regard to takling care of the children.

Bozza · 04/11/2004 14:27

KATG - rationally I agree with you but when it comes to actually doing it is rather different. BUT I am leaving them.

I'm also working on altering DD's bedtime routine to make her less dependent on a breast feed for bedtime - by adding teeth cleaning and story afterwards.

BensMum sorry for hijacking your thread. I do hope you go for it and try to think of it as 3 nights not potentially 5.

roisin · 04/11/2004 14:39

Sometimes men are reluctant because they are nervous, because they have little opportunity to practice, and because they are often criticised for 'doing it wrong'. Often leaving them to cope on their own (as early as possible) can be a fantastic solution all round.

My two boys had 22 month age gap, and I was pretty sick during the pregnancy with ds2. The times when dh took ds1 out for the day were crucial to me that year, and soon afterwards he would take them both out.

We don't do things in the same way, but I wouldn't claim that my way is any better than his. I think for us it has been much more positive that from the word go he had the opportunity to work things out for himself, and discover his way of parenting, rather than me telling him how to do it.

Though of course I always had to pack the bag for them before going out ...!

bea · 04/11/2004 14:40

agree with you Hercules!!

roisin · 04/11/2004 14:41

Bm3 - what I meant to say was he'll be all right, they'll be all right. Definitely don't feel guilty, and try not to worry! Hope you enjoy Brownie camp.

MummyToSteven · 04/11/2004 14:42

agree with roisin. if you don't let dh look after the kids, then it becomes a vicious circle - that they can't/won't look after the kids, as they haven't got the confidence to, as they aren't used to doing it, and the situation just continues. also i think that your dh won't appreciate the amount of work involved in looking after your kids unless he sees the effort at first hand IYSWIM

Slinky · 04/11/2004 14:48

Same as Roisin here.

DH has always looked after the kids on his own from day 1. They are his children as much as mine so it wouldn't occur to me to "ask" him to babysit (find that very strange personally).

I have never left instructions - although would tell him when the baby last fed/whether any of them had had any Calpol etc (if they were ill).

DH has always done things differently to me with regards to the children, and I would expect that.

I have had weekends away without DH and he's always managed perfectly OK without me.

I wouldn't give it a second thought about leaving your DS to go to Brownie Camp - DD1 went in April and had a fabulous time - I would have loved to have gone!

I too am amazed at the amount of dads who won't look after their children - so glad mine isn't like that. I'm off out on Saturday for a facial/shopping/lunch day with my mum.

Ronniebaby · 04/11/2004 15:00

Slinky I agree too.

I am always going out shopping or meet ups, I just say to DH, I'm going out on such & such a night, no qeustions asked, he goes out every Thursday, so doesnt mind me going out, in fact sometimes, he goes to see his folks and takes DS just so I have peace.

Now there are other things I have to pressure him to do or prompt him, like washing clothes etc, but we worked out DS's routine together, and will do with this new arrival, and if I want to change it I do, but discuss it with DH too.

We left DS at 5 months with outlaws, and I was back at work after 8 weeks afta DS was born and DH occasionally took time off work to look after him.

Go and enjoy brownie camp, what a great way of Mother & Daugther time, you dont get it again as they grow up tooo quickly.

sunchowder · 04/11/2004 15:01

Could not resist joining in here for a moment only. Prufrock and Ghosty have valid points in leaving instructions. To me it is not a matter of my DH being incompetent or incapable of looking after the kids at all. It is a matter of being considerate and kind in leaving some notes as to what works and to make things easier for him. I agree that my kids did not come with instructions, but why not give him the benefit of my experience, just as you would a babysitter? My DH works 6 days a weekI have left him with the children many, many times in the past and continue to do so. I would not consider NOT leaving the children with himI always just want everyone to be comfortable and happy.

BensMum - go with your heart! If if makes you feel better to leave some instructions, please do so! You want to have a great time with your DD, that is the most important thing and you need to do this with a clear head or you will worry instead of just having a great time.

hercules · 04/11/2004 15:26

I think that's the point though. He's not a baby sitter.

JuniperDewdrop · 04/11/2004 16:02

So have you decided to go? I think you definitely should. What if you get ill in the future, he's going to have to know how to look after them if that happens. Not trying to sound morbid I'm just being realistic.

Have a great time if you do go hun x

oooggs · 04/11/2004 17:25

Hi there I have just got back from Guide Camp (as a Guider!!!!!) and left DH with DS 10 months for 48 hours. First time at leaving him and him and Dad had a great time and so did I. Sooooo busy no time to think. Hope all goes well whatever you decide

bensmum3 · 04/11/2004 20:05

If the boat comes I'm definately going without ds, (fingers crossed for the wind to go down tonight). I've made a supply of ds's favourite soup, bread and cakes so dh won't have to worry some of the time about what to feed him, I'm not going to leave instructions as i think its a very valid point that he'll need to do things his own way !

Ronniebaby · 04/11/2004 20:44

Great news Benmums, hope you really enjoy yourself and you DD does too.

I bet Dh will be fine, and you'll wonder what all the fuss was about

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