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Original poster

Is This Fair?

41 replies

kid · 25/10/2004 14:15

I wondered if anyone has any advice to offer. DD (5.9) stays at her nans house every Friday night and stays at her others nans house every Saturday night. The problem is, neither of them will let DS stay even though he gets really upset and asks to stay. DS is 2.7 and is out of nappies day and night. How so I resolve this without seeming spoilt (if you can't have both then you can't have any!) Do I just leave things as they are and try and get DS to understand (even though I don't) or do I put a stop to DD staying out? HELP!

OP posts:
pixiefish · 25/10/2004 14:16

tell ds that he's too young and do something special yourself with him. maybe it's having both at the same time that they don't want. Would they swap kids so they have them fri and sat separately?

hercules · 25/10/2004 14:18

I would be grateful about having your dd stay. There is quite a difference between looking after a nearly 6 years old and a nearly 3 year old and perhaps they dont feel they could cope.

You sound very lucky.

suzywong · 25/10/2004 14:19

why on earth won't they let your dear little DS stay?

Seems a bit harsh. I don't think it would be fair to dd to stop her visits. Could you find an activity or a place to go with DS that you tell him is his special thing, the equivalent of his sister's visits to the grannies? Maybe let him stay up a little later or have his bedtime story in your bed or something?

Poor little lad.

WigWamBam · 25/10/2004 14:19

I would be inclined to think that what's good for one is good for the other, too. It's natural for him to want to stay too, and it's not fair to him to be left out all the time, particularly when his sister stays with them twice a week. How would your daughter feel about not staying with her nans quite so often? That might make it less upsetting for your son. Although I have to say, in your shoes, I would stop my daughter's overnight stays for the sake of my son, and hope that the grandparents saw how unfair they were being.

Mum2girls · 25/10/2004 14:19

What reasons do they give for not letting DS stay? If it's because they can't cope with 2, how about alternating?

If they still say no, I think you have every right to unfortunately call a stop to this arrangement - I mean it's just unfair, I really feel for your little boy. Even at that young age, he must be picking up some negative vibes....

hercules · 25/10/2004 14:21

I know my mum and dh's parents couldnt cope with a child this young along with an older sister. Is it not a little harsh to say they are being unfair to him?

I could be wrong about their reasons of course.

What reasons have they given kid?

WigWamBam · 25/10/2004 14:22

But why can't they have the dd one week and the ds the other? They don't have to cope with both at the same time. I do think it's unfair to treat siblings so differently.

colditzmum · 25/10/2004 14:22

Talk to both nannies and tell them how upset the youngest is, feeling that both nannies love the older one more. Nannies can be very susceptable to emotional blackmail. They are both adults and should really know better than to play favourites, but i suppose a 2 year old can be very hard work......

Original poster
kid · 25/10/2004 14:23

They always have a reason for not having DS, first it was wait till he sleeps through the night, which he has been doing now for 18 months, then it was when he is out of nappies which he has been for 3 months, then it was wait until he is 2.5 because thats when they started having DD over night, which he is now passed that too. It just annoys me to keep changing. I love DS and don't wish for it to sound as though I am trying to get rid of him at weekends, TBH, DS would be happy as long as he is with DD.
When I suggested that DD stayed out once a weekend at alternative nans houses, they got the hump with me. I explained how it was making DS feel and was told they enjoy having DD there

OP posts:
stickynote · 25/10/2004 14:27

The thing is, it's not a problem when the younger child doesn't care/notice, but it IS a problem when they do. My ds (aged 5) is the apple of his grandparents' eyes and they're also very enthusiastic about looking after dd2 (20 mths). But poor old dd1 (nearly 4) is not such a cuddly package and doesn't get the invites that the others do (daytime only, not overnight by the way). She does notice and gets very upset, so I'm afraid I've said that if they're issuing an invitation to ds, we must arrange a time for dd1 at the same time.

I would quite understand if your children's nans don't want them both at the same time, but surely some compromise re alternating or ds going during the day could be reached? When will he be old enough? This will only get more difficult...

colditzmum · 25/10/2004 14:28

If I were you I would put a stop to all the visits until they can be fair about it - I'm stroppy, though. Sadly, your boy is now old enough to know he is being left out. I'd be furious!

nutcracker · 25/10/2004 14:30

Hmmm i would be annoyed too. My mom has my dd's to stay all the time either sepreatly or together, but she has never had Ds to stay. He is only 22mths but the dd's stayed with her at that age so i can't see the problem.

She says she hasn't the room to have them all over together and that is true but i can't see why she couldn't have ds on his own, she still has a travel cot so he would have somewhere to sleep.

Personally i think my mom hasn't adjusted very well to me having a Ds after my Dds and she does treat them differently.

Haven't really got any good advice, but can understand why you are annoyed.

Mum2girls · 25/10/2004 14:31

Those are excuses, not reasons IMO and out of order. What are they like with your son generally? They must have a much closer relationship with dd.

What if instead of loving DDs company, that your son starts to resent her?

Maybe telling both nannies that you intend phasing out DDs visits will bring this to a head.

LipstickMum · 25/10/2004 14:33

Awwwwww, I think it's sad they aren't prepared to have ds for the night as they are with dd.

As others have said, I would explain how upset he is getting about it and suggest they have dd and ds on alternate weeks, not both together if they feel they can't cope (which would be fair enough!)

Why don't you suggest it could start when he turns 3yrs?

KateandtheGirls · 25/10/2004 14:34

I would feel bad too for my little one (my kids are the same age). If they can't cope with both of them at the same time, then alternating sounds perfect. You said that your daughter started staying overnight when she was younger than your son is now, so how can they use that as an excuse? (Unless their health has deteriorated or something.) I would make it clear to the grandparents that your son's feelings are hurt and it's not fair to him now that he's old enough to realise what's going on. If they can't take him as well, or alternate the two of them, then you can't let her stay as often because it's not fair to your son.

And while your daughter is away I would make it clear to your son that that's his special time, and do something fun with him like go out for ice cream. Poor little guy.

twoforone · 25/10/2004 14:34

I have a similar situation to you kid.
My parents have my 7yr old at their house quite a lot, during the day and sometimes over night.
But they don't do the same with my nearly 3 Year old.
TBH, it didn't bother me too much, until my youngest started to realise, and very often there would be tears when he realised he wasn't going too.
At first when they realised that DS was upset, they used to have him a few times during the day, when my eldest was at school, but it soon stopped again.
It makes me so sometimes, but then sometimes i think of my oldest DS, i think sometimes he enjoys going there when his Brother isn't there, so that he can play and not be interupted by an 'annoying toddler' iyswim.
Still don't think it is fair on the youngest though!

KateandtheGirls · 25/10/2004 14:36

By the way, that your daughter has so many nights away from you!

colditzmum · 25/10/2004 14:42

You could say that you are trying to make the oldet realize that they have to take turns; this might show them up enough for them to see that they are not being fair. Or you could say to the youngest "You dont want to go to nanny's, nanny hasn't got (insert specific treat)"

Original poster
kid · 25/10/2004 14:50

They treat DS fine when he is there. Anything that really winds me up but I refuse to comment on it is, PIL's other son had a baby 6 months ago and they continue to say infront of DS that they would have X overnight because he is a good boy, this is meant to make DS do what he is told?

As you can probably tell, it does annoy me!
DH just happened to phone and I spoke to him about it. He has agreed that we should do something about it, when he comes home tonight, I will volounteer him to speak to his parents and say how upset DS was when we got him home last night without DD (bit of an exageration but they'll never know!)
They have also taken DD out xmas shopping today, no mention of DS though. Maybe I am being too picky now, but it has just got me realising how little time they actually spend with DS compared to DD.
KATEANDTHEGIRLS, DD is an absolute angel, I've never met anyone that doesn't want her!

OP posts:
zebra · 25/10/2004 15:03

Have they actually had X, the baby?

woodpops · 25/10/2004 15:11

I'd have to say to them that you'll have to stop dd going if ds can't go as well. I know it's hard work having 2 but you can't treat any of your granchildren differently. I have this problem with my mil when my ds and dd go to stay with them at their caravan in the summer. Fil takes ds out everyday, takes him to the beach, softplay areas. Buys him sweets, toys etc. But dd gets left at the caravan with mil and get's nothing. It's not fair. They have always favoured ds as he's their 1st grandchild but IMO they have got to treat them equally. I've already said to dh unless he has a word with them about it ds and dd won't be going to stay next year.

Original poster
kid · 25/10/2004 15:11

no, they haven't but they do pretend to DS that they will! X's mum wouldn't let him out of her sight for 5 minutes even if they did want him!

OP posts:
stickynote · 25/10/2004 15:13

Agree woodpops, they've only got us to stick up for them .

Original poster
kid · 25/10/2004 15:19

DD is the first grandaughter on both sides of the family (in-laws 1st grandchild) but that doesn't make her anymore special than DS. Its safe to say, DD won't be staying out this weekend or until we come to some agreement! This should be interesting

OP posts:
stickynote · 25/10/2004 15:21

Good luck kid.