I don't think I love my son

[DramaticGoose]

He's 5.

I know I should love him and I know everyone is going to tell me I'm a horrible human being and a dreadful mother.

I wish I'd never had him.

I've thought about putting him up for adoption, but dh won't hear of that.

I've tried to leave them but dh would have to give up his job to look after ds (he works long hours and isn't around much - he leaves the house at 6.30am every day - school run would be impossible).

I've been looking at boarding schools but none would take a 5 year old, and I can't afford it anyway.

I just don't know how I can get back to loving my boy, loving myself, loving life again. It all seems so pointless.

Sorry if this upsets anyone. I'm not allowed to talk about my feelings with DH because he gets upset. I have no one to talk to about how I feel and I know I have no right to feel sad or feel the way I do. How do I change it? I really don't know what to do. How can I stop feeling so sad all the time?

I've really tried to be a good mum, but I'm not. I shout. This morning I was ready to throw all his toys in the bin just because he didn't go up to brush his teeth when I asked him to. I know that's awful. I know I'm awful. It's making me feel so bad.

There's no help. No one will help me. I'm all alone. I hate myself, my child my life. I just want it all to end.

Bless you, OP, that sounds very difficult.

Please go to your GP, it's not your partner's decision if you take anti-depressants, that is between you and your GP. You could put them into a separate pill bottle or into a pillbox.

Anti-depressants aren't the only solution either, there's talking therapies etc. on the NHS.

Your health visitor will know what family support programmes there are - that's where my support started. In Wales the family support programme is through Families First - not sure where in the UK you are or what the equivalent would be - but there will be something. Your GP should also know. Or you could google and see if you can self-refer.

You're very brave to post this. Your husband seems like a big part of your problem. He won't let you discuss your feelings, or take medication that you need. He is not only not helping you, but actively harming you in my opinion.
Please go and talk to someone in real life, a GP, other professional or even a friend. You can get through this.

You sound very sad and desperate OP. You do need to seek help. You are probably depressed and need medical help. Whether that is antidepressants, counselling, a family support worker, you need help. You and your little boy will be affected if you dont seek help. Your H doesn't get to decide if you take medication, you do.
You would be able to get a telephone appointment with the Dr even if you cant see one face to face. You need to be honest with them, and also your H. You need help you poor thing. This sounds like depression and poor mental health talking and you need support.
Please please seek the help. You and your boy deserve a happier relationship. Your H needs to know how bad you are feeling. Leaving is not the answer and wont make you or anyone feel better. Please seek help

I agree that you are very brave posting this. To me it sounds like you have a DH problem. He's not stepping up as a parent, and is unsupportive with regard to your mental health. This may sound strange but have you seen the film Kramer versus Kramer? It's an old film and deals with this subject (parenthood, gender roles, work/life balance) very sensitivity. It's available on Netflix.

Dr put me on antidepressants but dh wouldn't let me take them Here is the crux of the problem. You can of course take anti-depressants when your doctor prescribes them - your body, your choice.

It may be that you do need to take these; or there could also be a hormonal basis here - many women find they feel unable to cope with anything, let alone a lively child, pre-menstrually. Or it could be that family support is needed (try and find a local Home Start - www.home-start.org.uk/); or counselling.

You certainly need some help - but you are faced with a partner who is dictating where, when and what sort of help you can have. This is your biggest problem.

Talk to the school. They may be able to help with pastoral care.

Your dh does not get to say whether you take medication or not - your doctor does. This sounds like a combination of untreated depression, an at best unsupportive husband and at worst an emotionally abusive one. Leaving is an option for you. Your Dh can change his work hours and step up.

You might find you are a better parent if you only parent one week on/one week off, or you got a break every other weekend, or whatever custody agreement is made.

Thank you everyone who has posted support and advice. I'm going to make an appointment with the Dr in the morning to try and get some professional help.

My DH isn't unsupportive, he just has some weird hang ups - antidepressants being one of them. I know he feels bad about stopping me from taking them before (dad died 7 years ago, so this is "old" stuff). His best mate told him off for it!

My DH isn't unsupportive, he just has some weird hang ups - antidepressants being one of them.

As I am always banging on about on here and IRL, it doesn't matter if he's not doing it on purpose. If his behaviour is negatively impacting you, then there's a problem. And when it comes to your health, he doesn't get to decide what medication you do or don't take - that's something you and your doctor/s decide.

Well done for planning to call the GP tomorrow. Good luck!

Op leaving isn’t the answer because there is a high chance you’re ill.

See what you’re doctor says but if you need medication take it
Explain to your husband it’s either this or leave.

His hang-ups don't trump your mental health and its effects on your relationship with your son. If he thinks they do, then he is extremely selfish.

OP . If you have a headache you take painkillers. Depression is the same - if you need anti depressants you take them to get well. It is nothing to do with your other half - your mental heath is so important. Maybe he can make a doctors appointment to talk his concerns through. I can tell you do love your son - you might not feel it and that is your depression numbing it, but I can tell you do. You’ve gone part time for him, you want the best for him - that’s what love is. I wish you all the best for getting the support you need as soon as possible.

So glad you had the courage to reach out @DramaticGoose and that you will start with an appointment with your GP.

If you struggle to explain, or find yourself minimising the problem, try showing the GP your original post.

I'd mention your DH stopping you from taking prescribed medication, too.

All the very best.

p.s. I'm not surprised that your 'D'H's ex also had mental health issues. Can you spot that he is the common factor in you both having mental health issues ? How on earth did his friend come to know about him stopping you taking prescribed medicine ?

Your dh has no right to exert control over you like that. Anti depressants help many people. That's great news that you're getting help...the fact you want to get help shows that you do love your son, you just need the fog to lift so you can feel it...

Wishing you all the best...you have been really brave posting here and reaching out

Well done Dramatic Goose - good choice! Things will get better.

You sound to me like you love your son very much. Everything you write puts his welfare front and centre. It sounds like you are depressed and that depression is blunting the positive parts of feeling love for him. You just feel the protection parts. I am no expert so please forgive me if I'm overstepping. Please see the GP and get on the meds so you can get your happiness back. Your DH sounds like he needs someone to have a stern word with him. He is preventing your recovery. Please make the appointment and follow the GP's adviice - for yourself and your little boy.

@DramaticGoose how are you holding up?

My oldest child is super challenging and I’ve had similar feelings. But things are slowly changing, she’s nearly 12 now and I can see light at the end of the tunnel. Please get some medical help as I think you’re depressed. Once you’re feeling better you’ll cope better. 🍀

@DramaticGoose how are you doing OP? Did things go ok at the drs?

Most definitively doctors and tell exactly how you are feeling. You are nit a bad mum, you just need help, urgently.
It sounds like PND, you are saying similar things to PND, so maybe it is a form of depression indeed.
If the doctor prescribes you something, give it a go. Your DH will have to get over his previous experience, and he can always let you know if the medicine affects you. Sometimes you have to try different treatments.
Did you feel like this before covid? Or has the lockdown made you feel like this? It is z long time with restrictions now.
Wish you best luck, and please please get to your doctor