I don't think I love my son

[DramaticGoose]

He's 5.

I know I should love him and I know everyone is going to tell me I'm a horrible human being and a dreadful mother.

I wish I'd never had him.

I've thought about putting him up for adoption, but dh won't hear of that.

I've tried to leave them but dh would have to give up his job to look after ds (he works long hours and isn't around much - he leaves the house at 6.30am every day - school run would be impossible).

I've been looking at boarding schools but none would take a 5 year old, and I can't afford it anyway.

I just don't know how I can get back to loving my boy, loving myself, loving life again. It all seems so pointless.

Sorry if this upsets anyone. I'm not allowed to talk about my feelings with DH because he gets upset. I have no one to talk to about how I feel and I know I have no right to feel sad or feel the way I do. How do I change it? I really don't know what to do. How can I stop feeling so sad all the time?

I've really tried to be a good mum, but I'm not. I shout. This morning I was ready to throw all his toys in the bin just because he didn't go up to brush his teeth when I asked him to. I know that's awful. I know I'm awful. It's making me feel so bad.

There's no help. No one will help me. I'm all alone. I hate myself, my child my life. I just want it all to end.

I’m sorry to hear you feel this way.
Your husband has no right to insist you can’t take antidepressants and you definitely need an appointment at your GP surgery. There is help available for you, you need to reach out for it. Therapy is a good place to start.
I hope things get better for you

Yes it would be worse for you child if you left. Sorry, but abandonment leaves children with huge issues.

Your son needs you to get well. You need you to get well. There are appointments. There is help.

I was recommended anti-depressants but chose not to take them.
There is a huge amount of other support. But if you want to take them that is your choice.

Does your DH try to make decisions for you in other ways too?

I haven't seen a Dr. After my dad died I had some depression, Dr put me on antidepressants but dh wouldn't let me take them because his ex was on them and it really fucked her up apparently. So I can't have antidepressants.

OP, my heart sank when I read this. I am so so sorry you are going through this and that you have a DH who is trying to stop you from receiving the treatment you need. You are not his ex. Your response to anti depressants may not be hers. Also, based on what you've posted so far, it seems that he is unlikely to be a supportive husband to someone with mental health problems and that therefore his view of his ex is unlikely to be entirely accurate.

How long ago were you prescribed this anti depressants? Because if it recent enough, Id' be quietly filling the prescription and giving it a go.

Also, don't let Covid put you off reaching out to your GP. Depression is something that doctors are well aware of as a problem during Covid and, happily, it can be discussed in telephone calls if necessary. Please call your surgery or use whatever online system they have to contact them and explain why you didn't take the anti depressants, how you're feeling and that you'd like to try taking them again. make sure you understand any potential side effects so that if necessary, you can go back to your GP to ask for different ones if needed.

I feel very sad for you. This is so hard and you're not getting the RL support you deserve.

Sorry op do you have anyone your ds could stay with for a week or so? You could get some head space and work on you. I think your dh is a huge problem in this

From your update I think you actually have ‘D’H issue.
You’ve been very brave posting here, recognising you have an issue with the feelings towards your son. But your husband is clearly not helping you by not letting you talk about it, or when you previously suffered from depression, take medication to help you deal with that.
So I think the best thing you can do is get an appointment with your GP ASAP and be completely honest about how you’re feeling about your DS, but also that your husband has issues with you taking anti-depressants and talking abut how you feel. As I do think that’s having an impact.
Good luck.

Your DH doesn't get to decide whether you get medical treatment or not. Please see your doctor.

From your update about not being “allowed” to take drugs that might help you I think we are getting a clearer picture of the issue here.

Your DH doesn't get to decide on your health! You have safety concerns for your son so I think you are blocking emotions personally x def seek guidance from your GP. The online service I have asks a range of questions on whatever ailment you select. For mental health you have to complete the GAD and PDQ questionnaires, this will be the initial flag to where you are sitting mentally and the GP can start you on ADs.

I would def consider this option before walking away.

I really hope you get some help a friend of mine had a little boy and felt exactly like you say.
She did walk out on him and his dad met someone else and they brought her son up without her but with her regretting it and feeling heartbroken when she got better and realised what she'd done, only getting to see him occasionally while his dads partner played mum and it was the worst mistake she ever made that she didn't get any help.
She now had 2 sons with her current husband and is a fantastic mum and you wouldn't think it was the same person, please get through this and take the antidepressants because you could regret it for ever if you act in an irrational state of mind. Your not a bad mum but you need to speak to a DR.

Your husband is not supporting you and he is preventing you getting support you need.

He should be stepping up to look after his son and his home so you can look after yourself a bit better.

He should be encouraging you to get medical help, not stopping you taking prescribed meds.

How do you feel about work? Were you happier working full time?

I'm seriously concerned about you, and whether your husband is controlling in other ways.

dh wouldn't let me take them because his ex was on them and it really fucked her up apparently. So I can't have antidepressants.

Wtaf?! OP, this is completely and utterly unreasonable of your dh. Even if his account of how anti-depressants affected his ex are accurate, different anti-depressants have different effects on different people. Even I know that and I have zero personal experience of them.

It sounds from what you say as though you did love your ds before. Did your change in feelings towards him coincide with the beginning of your depression? I'm guessing that your depression and possibly elements of your relationship with your husband are at the root of all this. It would be a tragedy if your relationship with your son were forever damaged because you were 'not allowed' to get the help you needed.

@DramaticGoose

I haven't seen a Dr. After my dad died I had some depression, Dr put me on antidepressants but dh wouldn't let me take them because his ex was on them and it really fucked her up apparently. So I can't have antidepressants.

I doubt there'll be any appointments to see someone anyway.

If I did just leave, would that be worse for DS than if I stay? I am thinking he may be better off without me?

Someone asked if I work - yes, I work part time. I was full time, but went part time for DS starting school. I don't really want to send him to breakfast/after school club because of covid. I don't want to increase his risk - it already seems like a huge risk sending them to school (though homeschooling would, I think, send me into fuck knows what sort of mental state).

Thanks for the people who posted nice things. I appreciate your kindness. I'm sorry as well if I upset anyone.

Well there's a lot more going on here. It's not up to your DH whether you get the treatment for your mental health that you need.

OP you clearly do care very much about your son - you have just said you are not prepared to work full time because it would mean added exposure at breakfast and after school club, so you clearly do have feelings for him, otherwise you would send him regardless, and wouldn't care about his covid risk at all. I am willing to bet there are lots of other examples of this.

Please see the dr, follow the advice to the letter and reevaluate after your have been on ADs. You sound in a very bad place, and when you are feeling like that it drowns out all other feeling.

Keep hugging your child, kiss him, lie next to him when he is sleeping. Keep up the connection even when you can't feel anything, please.

I feel for you op. You must not feel bad, you sound 'numb' actually and that is usually depression I am sorry to say.

only getting to see him occasionally while his dads partner played mum

In this situation, it sounds like the dad's partner wasn't playing Mum, she was the Mum, emotionally, relationally and practically.

Op I don't really have anything to add to what other pp's have said except that I think you sound like a lovely caring mum living in very difficult circumstances. Please do as pp's have suggested & see your GP and be totally honest about everything xx

Don't worry about upsetting us, we are adults, you can talk to us. It is okay.

Keep hugging your child, kiss him, lie next to him when he is sleeping. Keep up the connection even when you can't feel anything, please

I did this when my son was born. I didn't get that maternal rush of love and he screamed and screamed with pain due to a medical condition.
It does help. It helps the child, but it also helps you. I do think it gradually helped to build feelings for him. It also means OP, that as you start to get better, and you can and will if you seek support, that you have a store of connection of some sort to build on.

I'm so sorry for all you're going through. It sounds as though your DH either doesn't understands the severity of how you feel or just doesn't care. You do need to see your GP or at least speak to someone professionally and if any medication is prescribed then it is up to you and you alone to decide if you take it. He should be helping and supporting you, not telling you what you can and can't do.
I hope you get help soon and can get back to enjoying your life and your little boy.

You don’t sound horrible or awful, but you do sound like you are struggling and you have an unsupportive Dh. I would urge you to speak to your gp or better still get private therapy if you can afford. Antidepressants sound like they could really help you (although they can be tricky at the start). Your husband should not have a say in what medications you take. He should be listening to you and helping you look after your son. Please hang in there op. In there anyone else in real life you can talk to? Family? Friends? I promise no decent person will think you are awful.

I echo all the positive things already posted - it was brave for you to post today.
Reading through all your posts it is clear that you do have caring feelings for your son - for example not wanting him to be at risk from the virus. Is there something that has triggered the feelings of not loving him - could it be anxiety/stress connected to what is going on in the world atm?

There is a lot of talk of anti-depressants here, and they may help to keep you stable whilst you work through other issues, but those other issues, - building a life you enjoy, a relationship with your son, and self-regard for yourself - are your real work. And there are people to help you with that.

Yes it is really effective, just keep up the affection. It is not some hideous fake until you make it, but will create closeness and comfort for both of you, this will evoke feelings of warmth and tenderness. It is not a silver bullet, but keep doing it even if you don't feel like it.

For your child it is very important - and for you once you are better you will at some point be very glad you did.

Also take time for self care as much as you can. Space when you need it, support from friends.

Your son need never know of this, so please get help. Give yourself and him the best possible chance.

Yur DH doesn't let you talke ADs?!? and refuses to talk about how you are feeling.

Sorry but just at this moment, HE is the biggest problem. Yu are clearly willing to get better and get some help and he is stopping you from doing that :(

I think you need to go back to your GP and ask for help. GPs offer routine appointments and you will be able to see someone.
Help can be ADs bit also counselling. There might be some other support were you are for mothers with PND.

Please don't give up your ds (even with the best intentions) when the reason for doing so is your DH lack of understanding/carelessness.

And btw, your whole posts are screaming the love you have for your ds. You are trying your best. You are looking at all avenues to make things better for him. You are reaching out. This is what love is.

I thought like this about my daughter. Now my feelings are better, every day find something positive and focus on it. Like, you're great at handstands, let's see how many you can do? Next day, you're good at drawing faces, let's draw some together, just keep building the positive and overlook the negative.

Don't leave, you'll have lost the opportunity of turning something bad into something good.