I don't think I love my son

[DramaticGoose]

He's 5.

I know I should love him and I know everyone is going to tell me I'm a horrible human being and a dreadful mother.

I wish I'd never had him.

I've thought about putting him up for adoption, but dh won't hear of that.

I've tried to leave them but dh would have to give up his job to look after ds (he works long hours and isn't around much - he leaves the house at 6.30am every day - school run would be impossible).

I've been looking at boarding schools but none would take a 5 year old, and I can't afford it anyway.

I just don't know how I can get back to loving my boy, loving myself, loving life again. It all seems so pointless.

Sorry if this upsets anyone. I'm not allowed to talk about my feelings with DH because he gets upset. I have no one to talk to about how I feel and I know I have no right to feel sad or feel the way I do. How do I change it? I really don't know what to do. How can I stop feeling so sad all the time?

I've really tried to be a good mum, but I'm not. I shout. This morning I was ready to throw all his toys in the bin just because he didn't go up to brush his teeth when I asked him to. I know that's awful. I know I'm awful. It's making me feel so bad.

There's no help. No one will help me. I'm all alone. I hate myself, my child my life. I just want it all to end.

I'm so sorry, I don't think you're awful but you do need some help. Someone more knowledgeable will post soon with some good advice on where you can get that support. I just wanted you to know you're not a terrible mum, just a struggling one and lots of us can relate to that xxx

You sound very sad and overwhelmed.

Could you make an appointment either by phone or in person, with your GP? You sound very depressed.

Please make an appointment with your doctor. You can get help.

OP have you been to a doctor? You sound depressed. If you hate everything and don't love anything that isnt a normal way to feel. You say you dont know how to get back to loving your boy and yourself. How long have you felt the way you do now? If you use to have feelings of love for him, you still do but maybe your mental health is clouding those feelings.

How long have you felt like this? What about other aspects of your life?

Ok, so the fact that you know this isn’t normal and you feel guilty is a start. On some level you DO care or you wouldn’t have posted
You need urgent professional help, it might not be easy to access but can you try?
I appreciate it must be very hard for your DH to hear you say these things but he needs to listen and help you

How long have you been feeling like that?

The fact your even asking him to keep himself clean and tidy ie. cleaning teeth shoes you do care and are probably a good mum that’s struggling.

Youre shows

You need to speak to a doctor, sweets. It's okay to feel sad and helpless but you need to recognise that you have signs of depression and that you need help.

So sorry you're struggling @DramaticGoose. You sound completely and utterly overwhelmed and put upon and you need a break.

Do you work? If so, can you ask for some support from your employer to take time off? Or see your gp and get signed off for a bit?

When was the last time you felt like "you"? Have you felt this way for a long time? What do you need to make you feel better? How do you think your partner could help with that? X

So you used to love him, but don't any more? You need help. I would be making an appointment with your GP asap. You don't just stop loving your child. And you are clearly feeling guilty and sad about how you feel. These are classic signs of mental health problems and I hope that your GP can start you on a process of healing and improvement.

At a similarly practical level, if your Dh is leaving everyday at 6:30 and coming home late, do you ever get a break? Do you ever get time to yourself? Do you work? Are you rushing around doing the school run and managing DS' life and food and all the mental load while also trying to hold down a job? When do you get a chance to do anything for yourself? When DH comes in, does he take over? Does he encourage you to go and get a break?

Good luck OP. Well done for posting. Acknowledging there is a problem is the first step to solving it.

how long have you felt like this?

It's OK for your DH to get upset when he's out the house from 6.30 am every day . He needs to step up and do his share of being your DS's parent, he cannot leave it all to you then get upset when you try to tell him you're struggling. You're supposed to be a team. Why does he work such long hours? Is it perhaps just so he can avoid being a parent as much as possible?

You sound completely overwhelmed and miserable. Please make an appintment with your GP.

Op you really need to speak to a professional. I know you have mentioned giving him up for adoption but it's not fair on your son either way. Please see a professional for your and your sons mental health and well-being. Good luck.

OP it is a very brave post. Have you ever loved him? Do you suffer with any mental health issues, did you have a traumatic birth? Was he planned?

Not everyone is maternal hence some of my questions above.

Ok, the good news is that you recognise the problem is with how you feel, and not with your son. Some parents would lay all the blame for how they feel on the child. You are not doing that, so give yourself praise for that.

No-one here can fix how you feel. I suggest you get some professional support, there are family support workers, counsellors, psychologists who work with families who would help you. There absolutely is help. Tell them how you feel about yourself and your life. Tell them that you have looked into sending your son away from you. That will take that seriously, as they will realise there is a child whose parent needs support, to enable that child, well, to be protected. They will understand the potential life long repercussions of a child being raised by an unhappy parent who cannot connect with him. Dealing with parents who feel like you is their bread and butter. It will not be unusual or exceptional to them. Its what they are there for. You can speak to your GP to get a referral or even try googling yourself to try and find support.

I had a brilliant family support worker and she said almost immediately that the person that she needed to support was me. She really, really helped.

You've been really brave posting this. I think your husband is wrong to prevent you talking to him about this, because how else can you start to get help without explaining how you are feeling?
Based on personal experience of PND (not saying that this is what you have), I would recommend a GP appointment asap and antidepressants /anti anxiety medication to help with the negative thoughts, and also to find some counselling asap to get your feelings off your chest and work out what's causing them.
It sounds like your not happy about feeling this way and you're beating yourself up about it. That shows that you are a good mum, you just might be struggling. You need practical and emotional support, and if your husband can't do both (or either) then there are others who can like GPs, counsellors, childminders, family - and you owe it to yourself to get help in whichever way is best because you deserve to be happy too.

Actually, reading back through your OP, you have discussed with your DH putting your DS up for adoption and your DH STILL hasn't accepted there's a problem and stepped up. He sounds an unsupportive arse, tbh. No wonder you sound so despairing.

Professional help - it'll help you see your situation more clearly.

@DramaticGoose it does sound like you are in need of professional help, urgently. Have you always felt this way? Has something changed/happened to make you feel like this? We're here, talk to us.

@diplodocusinermine

Actually, reading back through your OP, you have discussed with your DH putting your DS up for adoption and your DH STILL hasn't accepted there's a problem and stepped up. He sounds an unsupportive arse, tbh. No wonder you sound so despairing.

Professional help - it'll help you see your situation more clearly.

Actually, this is a really good point. I asked if Dh is helping at all, but this is even more relevant. If DH told me that he wanted to put the kids up for adoption, I'd take that as a sign that there was a MASSIVE problem and would be trying to work with him to figure it out and solve it. So it's not just your Dh being a bit thoughtless, but possibly more significant than that.

I haven't seen a Dr. After my dad died I had some depression, Dr put me on antidepressants but dh wouldn't let me take them because his ex was on them and it really fucked her up apparently. So I can't have antidepressants.

I doubt there'll be any appointments to see someone anyway.

If I did just leave, would that be worse for DS than if I stay? I am thinking he may be better off without me?

Someone asked if I work - yes, I work part time. I was full time, but went part time for DS starting school. I don't really want to send him to breakfast/after school club because of covid. I don't want to increase his risk - it already seems like a huge risk sending them to school (though homeschooling would, I think, send me into fuck knows what sort of mental state).

Thanks for the people who posted nice things. I appreciate your kindness. I'm sorry as well if I upset anyone.

I just want to be clear, I think the support you get should come from organisations/ professionals specialising in family support, rather than a generic counsellor.

I've had brilliant support, both me and my ex got separate parenting support, I got individual counselling support and we are on a list for couples support (not so we can get back together but to help us to learn to constructively communicate about our children). My ex also separately gets psychological support. Its bloody brilliant to be honest. So there absolutely is help. You are not alone. And when you are feeling shit, like you are, having competent, non-judgemental people to speak to who can help you, is just exactly what you need. I can't state strongly enough how things can start to turn around when you reach out. You clearly want someone to speak to - those people are out there waiting for your referral.

I’m sorry but I would take the antidepressant and not tell him, it’s cruel of him to say no!
Go and get some and put them away why he can’t find them, get some help. Just because 1 person had a bad time with meds doesn’t mean you will.
Good luck 💐

And he doesn't get to tell you whether or not you take prescribed medication.

Your husband has no right to decide what medication you can take. If you do want to try antidepressants (I personally find them very helpful) you don't need to tell him, you could hide the tablets in your handbag or a box of tampons. Is he controlling in other ways? If yes it's probably a big part of why you feel so low. Please talk to your GP, there is support out there x