I need a miracle cure for resentment

[Dannie]

The in-laws are coming for four days over Christmas. We'll be 11 adults and 8 children including 4 under-fives. How do I stop myself seething with resentment all the time? I know my resentment is perfectly justified, but it's just tough luck and I have to put up with it. But how? Drugs? Wax figures with pins to stick in them?

Oh Dannie - again? Didn't this hell happen last year too? Is there no way you can just refuse- it's only October and there's time to say NO WAY, surely? Or is there a reason why this is compulsory- does dh have a great time or something? I suspect you are not selfish enough, my friend.

No Scummy it was 2 years ago. Last year we went to my parents, which was gruesome in other ways. It means a lot to DH, his Dad is frail and he worries it'll be his last Christmas. As he's Jewish, I fail to see why this is such a big deal, but what do I know? Thing is, it's what his family do. His brother has everyone alternate years, his sister's a lazy, spoiled brat who can barely make a cup of tea, so either we do it or everyone says (correctly) what a nasty antisocial cow I am for refusing.

Explain to me again why SIL can't do it????

Cooking in advance (both of you, I mean, not so you can take this terrible burden away from DH) might help. Will continue to ponder.

Good grief- two years has passed so quickly! i would go for being branded an anti-social cow personally. Just couldn't cope- I'm sure i said the same thing 2 years ago!Totally unhelpful and do understand that this isn't an option for you so have nothing to send but my sympathy.

I'd do the bare minumum and make their life hell - well the ones who were lazy and dirtty anyway - Or I would become Mrs houseproud too and metion that you think it is gross really loudly infront of everyone that she leaves dirty nappies about and that you EXPECT them to be cleaned up and then follow people round being annoying picking things upand wiping things and just generally pissing them off!!

Also say you can't do without stair gates - if someone is too stupid or too frail to open them they can always ask you - hopefully they will feel less inclined to want to use the loo then - saving you time and money in terms of loo roll and drink too!!

Make usre you stash a bottle of gin and a book under your bed though - you could always retire with a migrane and get out of it!!

OMG you poor thing. If I were you I would start issuing dictats right now. You cannot possibly feed all these people for 4 days and have any time to relax at all. If I were you I would ask an adult/couple to do an evening meal each. Put some fresh (bought or homemade) soup in the freezer for lunches and then you can plan a cool Christmas dinner and get the credit for the big one. Ask everyone to bring their own duvets then you don't have a mountain of washing to cope with when they leave. Be bossy and insist the kids get taken out for brisk walks during the day (while you stay in with some mulled wine). you poor poor thing.

On consideration, I think getting out of the house, taking as many children with you as you feel like, is probably the most feasible tactic (Bracing Air, Need for Exercise in Young Children, etc). Combined with the cooking in advance, this may make things slightly less horrible. It will not of course improve matters when you get back, but at least you won't be there in the meantime.

Plus Twinkie's suggestion, plus children in the most repellant manner you can manage in order to discourage a repeat performance.

I'm very tempted to get everyone those vouchers that equip classrooms in Ethiopia, though.

Does it have to be FOUR DAYS!!!

This seems inordinately long to me. Could just the oldies come for 4 days, the others just for Christmas day, or just 2 days at most.

I am trying to teach my mum to come for 3 or 4 days at most. She prefers to come from Saturday to saturday, by which time we're climbing the walls

Also, DH is grimly predicting terrible winter weather, so at least some of them may be unable to travel.
Thing is, I don't want to appear any more horrible than I can help or they'll all be on Mumsnet complaining about their nasty SIL who ruins their family Christmas tradition.

Another thing - which is kind of serious really - especially if you have a crawler. Make sure that at any one time an adult is specifically in charge of the kids. Large amounts of adults is prime time for accidents. I'll never forget (pregnant) me and dh cooking sunday dinner for fil, his gf, sil, and my nephew. They all sat around in the kitchen and watched/drank wine as we did that messy bit at the end when you need to make gravy/mash spuds/serve all at once. In one of those slow motion moments of horror I saw my dd heading for the oven with one eye and 2-year old nephew paying far too much attention to the lawn-mower (it was unplugged, but still!), through the window, with the other. I was furious. And vowed that I would never again cook without telling people in no uncertain terms that they are IN CHARGE of the kids.

if it helps, bill them.

Easy, believe me, it's ages. Last time, I seem to recall that I stopped serving food. My kids were starving by the time they finally cleared off, but it was the only way.
The first time we did it, DH's brother & family wanted to stay even longer. They'd bravely struggled down despite their terrible flu (which DS1 then got very badly). Even DH said no.

Bundle, don't think I haven't thought about it

and DEFINITELY Ethiopian vouchers.

Quite honestly, the viler you make it the less likely they are to return.

Ooohhh aren't you on course to get Moloscum or Scarlett Fever or slap cheek or something - turn the heating up a few days before and you will all look rosy and tell DH there is an outbreak at M&T group or something - can't risk those oldies - ooohhh or maybe shingle - you could rub kids up against someone with chickenpox - that would be far too dangerous and you know its beter for kids to get it at a young age don't you!!

Dannie, what about your family?

Can't you tell dh's rellies that on such-and-such a day you will be taking your children to see/stay with your parents?

That way you have specified an end date which has to be adhered to.

dannie, some of dh's family used to bill each other, down to eg 17p for onions, 3p for flour etc. un-bloody-believeable.

Hatter thanks. I seem to recall reading somewhere that third children have far more accidents than first and second. And casualty isn't really a good place to get away from the inlaws

Own duvets brilliant idea. Make it own sheets as well if poss?

Easy, my family are worse if anything. We invited them a couple of years ago and they all said No. (yep, I come from a long line of miserable gits, hence the problem)

and own towels.

No Dannie, you don't have to actually go to see your lot. Just tell his lot you will be going so they clear off home.

Is there some way of limiting presents without looking like Mrs Scrooge? Otherwise my kids will be showered with piles of stuff they don't need by well-meaning relations

Say to sil - I'm so pleased you're going to do some of the cooking this year. Go out to family type restaurants for lunch & dinner on some days share the bill. The stair gates stays as it's your home - show how to use it. Put a bin in bathroom for all the nappies - ensure her or bil are incharge of emptying it. On the day they leave get them all to take off the bed linen and put it into wash. Should get two loads done before they leave. Sounds a difficult moment - build in your own time away from the crowds.