Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Other subjects

who else suffered abuse as a child?

71 replies

thegrassisgreener · 08/10/2007 16:51

im asking because i want to know how you think it has affected you as a person and as a parent? do you think you are parinoid about who cares for your own kids because of your past? would be great to talk about this and see how others cope.

OP posts:
thegrassisgreener · 08/10/2007 18:41

hi ok well first in reply to KM post, im not interested in swapping horror stories here, but for the record, i was sexually abused by a friend of my dads when i was about 5 or 6. it was a one off.

i have never told my parents or anyone else for that matter. my dp is aware that there is something of this nature in my past but as notsomethingiwanttomakepublic says, i cant actually say what happened out loud.

OP posts:
thegrassisgreener · 08/10/2007 18:44

notsomethingiwanttomake....... i could never tell my mum or dad as i feel they would blame themselves and its so long ago whats the point of hurting them. i can see it was different situation with u as your gd was still a part of your life....so you were always reminded. but how did ur parents take it?

OP posts:
NotAnOtter · 08/10/2007 18:53

i was abused as a child/teenager
physical abuse by mother
sexual abuse by father

definitely affects the way i parent

thegrassisgreener · 08/10/2007 18:59

i used to work in a care home for children. the staff all got talking one day and i was gobsmacked to find out just how many of them had been abused as kids, must have been 1 in 3 of us.....(not that i actually had the guts to say i had been abused to)

OP posts:
Spiderhammer · 08/10/2007 19:13

I heard someone on the radio talking about this.

Another man, who'd been abused for years, was explaining how he tells his kids all about abuse and what can happen. He says you have to be frank and fairly explicit on the subject in order to make sure your children are very aware. Otherwise they'll too easy to fool.

I'm so sorry and worried to hear how many people have been affected by this.

sKerryMum · 08/10/2007 19:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotSomethingIWantToMakePublic · 08/10/2007 20:12

To be honest, I felt (and still do feel) let down by my parents. I didn't tell them as such, my dad guessed there was something wrong after the last time my grandfather abused me. So I then told him. He obviously told my mum, and then my grandparents what I had said. My dad was very angry and my mum upset, but all they said to my grandfather was that if he ever did anything like that to anyone else they would tell the whole family (obviously he was abusing my sister and cousin at that time, but my parents didn't know)

My parents still allowed him to visit the house and my mother didn't once say anything to me about what had happened. Therefore I felt as though they didn't believe me.

I found out about my cousin when she wrote a letter to my sister about what had happened to her. My sister (without telling me about herself) showed me the letter and I responded to my cousin. She was 18 at the time and I felt she needed support. I then discovered my sister had suffered and my cousin had involved the police.

I'm glad she did, but I don't think I would have been brave enough to do it myself. My grandfather psychologically abused me too and I was terrified of what he would do to me and my son.

I often wonder if I would be the same person had this not happened to me. I feel as if I haven't had the opportunity to be who I should be, my childhood was taken away from me. I am quite suspicious of people until I know them, especially elderly men.

I do like to think that my children would tell me if anything like this happened to them...I have a far closer relationship with my children than the one I had with my parents. My mother wasn't a great parent and my father allowed her to psychologically abuse us as children in her own way. But I kind of see why she was like she was with a father like that!

I know because of this I strive to be as unlike my mother as possible. My children will and have had a happy childhood.

NotSomethingIWantToMakePublic · 08/10/2007 20:14

Spider, it is worrying how many people are affected by this. I'm glad that man can be so frank with his children, but I know I couldn't. Like I say there are some aspects of my abuse I can't even share with DH. I just can't get the words out as it brings it all back.

MerlinsBeard · 08/10/2007 20:20

skerrymum, sometimes its better not to post and judge from afar so to speak. These threads come up every so often and often it needs the OP to take courage from other people sharing.

I am pretty sure that most MNetters(esp regs) know by now that there could be journalists and students and the like posting for their articles or thesis or whatever.

To answer your OP TGIG, yes i was and yes i am paranoid, thats why the only people who look after my children are my mum and DPs dad. and that took a while to get that far.

sKerryMum · 08/10/2007 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OneTrickMummy · 08/10/2007 20:32

Skerrymum, I understand your caution, but the thread title says 'who else suffered abuse...which clearly implies that the OP did.

thegrassisgreener · 08/10/2007 20:40

i also feel that i would be a different person if it hadnt happened. and i get into this wholeway of thinking sometimes- that everything is down to that one event- which is ridiculous.

but im even getting paraniod as to wether my dada knew about it all along? god i cant beleive im even saying this! when i was about 14, plain clothes police came round to ask my dad about this friend of his- (although they were only aquaintences really) and then went on to explain that he was suspected of child abuse.....at which point my mum told me to go to my room.

but what would be the first thing u would think as a parent if u found out someone ou knew was a child abuser??? i would think it would be 'has this person had contact with our kids?' surely my dad would remember that one time when i had contact with this person?

OP posts:
thegrassisgreener · 08/10/2007 20:50

my dad has another child from a relationship that is now over....but he sees the child on a regular basis and gets on with his ex. the child is about 8 now. last year he was devastated that a 19 yr old male babysitter sexually assaulted the child in her bed. the babysitter was a local man, worked part time at the childs school and also babysat for many of the childs friends...he was highly recommened by the other families.

anyway the police interviewed the child and said they had no reason to doubt her story. my dad wanted to break the guys neck but remaided calm and strong and did everything to make sure the school/families were informed and that it went to court.

when ge was telling me all this he was devastated and shocked and said this.....'tell me nothing like this ever happened to you?' ???? i lied and said of course not. was he asking because he has always suspected something after the police visited us when i was 14? or just a random comment?

OP posts:
sKerryMum · 08/10/2007 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotSomethingIWantToMakePublic · 08/10/2007 21:53

Maybe he does suspect it happened to you. He sounds as though he did everything right by his youngest child..he probably did want to break the mans neck, but realised that wouldn't get the right results. Maybe he didn't realise it had happened to you. So many maybes though. My life is full of them and what if's.

Perhaps you could speak to your father about what happened to you. It sounds as though he would be supportive. You probably wouldn't be able to do much now, but you may feel better for telling someone.

I know I battle terribly with what happened to me. I should accept it happened and move on, but somehow I can't. I try not to let it affect my every day life, but it does creep in there at times.

At the moment my grandmother is planning an 80th birthday meal for herself and the whole family, but i can't bring myself to go. My aunt and uncle in particular don't believe it happened (though they have never spoken to me about it, which is something I wish they'd do tbh) and my grandmother is denying it happened, but at the same time acting as though everything is normal...even talking about my grandfather in front of me/on the telephone..and sadly it isn't normal.

I am actually thinking of writing a letter to my uncle to explain what happened and if he believes then good, but if not, then it was worth a try. I don't know.

Sorry I have waffled a bit haven't I

sKerryMum · 08/10/2007 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SquirBOOdle · 08/10/2007 22:36

I agree with sKerrymum, it is a big step in healing!!

I am now taking my next big step. I am now involved in a support group for victims of child abuse. I haven't yet been to a meeting, my first will be ironically on the same day, at the same time as my grandmothers meal. I am terrified, but I need to do this for my family (my immediate family I mean, DH and DC's)

SquirBOOdle · 08/10/2007 22:38

Bugger, so much for being incognito!!

Ah well!

NotAnOtter · 08/10/2007 22:39

i have also been to a group for womyn ho have suffered abuse
you learn a lot
about yourself
abusers
your family
other victims
it was very helpful for me ..made so many things made sense
made me realise how 'normal' my responses have been
is there anything like this you could go to?

NotAnOtter · 08/10/2007 22:40

i did wonder !!

sKerryMum · 08/10/2007 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotAnOtter · 08/10/2007 22:40

you could ask mumsnet to delete it if you want

SquirBOOdle · 08/10/2007 22:42

I'm not a Squirrel I'm a Squirdle

NotAnOtter, thanks, yes I could, but I won't. I just don't want to shock my RL friends on here...but I think most of them know...

NotAnOtter · 08/10/2007 22:46

even that is a big step sqirdle!

SquirBOOdle · 08/10/2007 22:49

I know I will never totally come to terms with this, but a lot of my problem atm is that now my mother is acting 'oh so supportive' and most of the time I just want to say to her 'You didn't support me when I needed you to!'

She keeps on about her 'sense of duty' towards her mother (who she hardly sees or contacts), but also her loyalty towards myself and my sister. I don't want her to feel like that. I haven't asked her to for go her relationship with her mother for me. Sometimes it feels as though she makes more of a deal about it than anyone else...but it has come too late!!

I do get on with my mum now (most of the time, when she isn't driving me insane...living 2 hrs away helps) and she is lucky I have decided not to disown her tbh.

Swipe left for the next trending thread