Do you have trouble finding time for social niceties, eg thank-you notes, cards, etc?

[expatkat]

Some of my most time-consuming responsibilities are thank-you notes, b-day cards, buying gifts for kids' parties, anniversary cards, sympathy cards, CHRISTMAS CARDS. . .It seems to be a responsibility that invariably falls to me.

I do about 80% of it, but fall down on the job about 20% of time. Got an annoying e-mail today from goody-goody SIL, who only takes note of my failures, saying, "Just reminding you that today is your MIL's wedding anniversary. Please ring her!" And here I was feeling pleased with myself for sending off 2 sympathy cards and writing a difficult letter to a dying friend this week.

And each year I say, "I'm not doing Christmas cards; I'll save a tree instead" but then feel the social/family pressure. . .

Just wondering if any of you sometimes go on strike from this stuff, or if you share the burden with your partner, or if you just don't care, or if you have any tips for dealing with social niceties AND working (if you work), looking after a house, looking after kids, etc. It just feels like way too much for me.

know what you mean about the inlaws - I recently had MIL ring me at 7 in the morning to tell me I had forgotten our niece's birthday. I suggest you say to your SIL 'ok, I'll remind their son to phone them'.

But yes, it does all fall to me and I'm normally really particular about it, however recently I have failed to send a thank you (not an enormous deal, it's one of those things that you probably wouldn't think about, but I still feel I should have sent one) and it's got way too embarrassingly late to do it - and I feel awful.

Me, too, mrsflowerpot. When I neglect a thank-you note, which is probably a little more often than you, I feel awful. Do you write notes thanking people for hosting a children's party, by the way? Is that expected?

I, very proud owner of organisedmom calender have stuck all the birthdays on. I limit it to family and if dh doesn't stick his on there, then it is not my responsibility. Yes, we are working about two behind at the moment!!!!

Like you the majority of this stuff falls to me - including all the Christmas present buying - and I do resent it a lot of the time especially when I put a lot of thought into a card or present only to receive something which may have been for anyone so impersonal is it. HOWEVER, this year a dear friend died and I wrote a letter to her husband telling him what an inspiration she had been to me and told him all the things I particularly loved about her. Much to my surprise he wrote back to me saying that I had captured her spirit in a way that no-one else had and that it brought tears to his eyes because he could see and hear her from what I had said. That is why it is worth taking time to do these things and I try to remind myself of it whenever I feel the resentment begin to surface.

My only system is for Christmas cards - I keep a list of "must sends" and divide these into "include letters" and "send greetings". Then further divide "letters" into an order starting with "must be sober" and ending with "drunk". I sit down on one night with a bottle of wine and get cracking - the last ones to be written generally get amusing responses!

I try and remember and send a card to friends and children on their birthdays, anniversarys, new baby, new home, thank you etc etc. I like doing it as i love getting cards myself, it's so nice when people remember. Some people we don't see/speak to very often so it's a nice wasy to keep in touch and let them know we're thinking of them.

Once a month I look in my diary, see what b.days etc are coming up, write a list, go to a few lovely card shops locally buy all the cards I need for that month a few spare ones and then thery are there as and when i need them. Yes I do work btw.

I make a big point of thank you for Lotties girt cards and when she's old enough will encourage her to make and sign her own cards to say thanks.

expaqt
I dont send cards a nymore for xmas as I noticed that dh didnt and didnt seem to have lost any friends as a a result!
ots of poeple are jealous but are too scared to!
Id o sent hem to a few elderly poeple ( ex neighbours and so on) nad godkids abut thats it.
do send thankyou note/ emails for everything though

Yoyo, LOVE your xmas card strategy Hmmm, I'm starting to feel a little enthusiasm for the task!

I'm also touched when my letters have touched others, but in some cases, like sending anniversary cards to in-laws, it just seems like a waste of paper. It seems like we're being tested: are we or aren't we going to remember . . .? It's not about actual sentiment.

i think that's great YoYo

Oh, Thomcat, you're an inspiration. I'll try that month-by-month idea. (I'm also quite particular about thanking people for the kids' gift. . .that's about the only thing I get right consistently.)

I leave dp to manage his family - he is crap at thank yous but OK-ish on birthdays.

I am better at thank yous than at birthdays...

all in all we are not too good in our house and should get in together before we hit 40

Hmm - meant get it together, not "in together"

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=1012&threadid=38797&stamp=041007141709

Try this for your birthays - it really does help.

I don't do xmas cards - if they are real friends you'll have spoken to them recently, if they are not why worry about sending a card?

Ohhh I like being an inspiration!!!!
The important thing in all this is to have a diary and look in it every day.
Once i have bought all the cards i need for the month I then look at whose birthday / anniversary it is that week, take the cards out of the cupboard that i bought for them, put them in the diary and then send them out throughout the week at work.

Did anyone see my question about whether or not to thank people for hosting children's parties? Especially when you don't even know the parents? I like getting thank-yous, but I certainly don't hold it against anyone who doesn't thank me.

expatkat, are we expected to? I make sure the attendee says thankyou and will add my thanks too, but wouldn't phone or send a note after the event. Am I supposed to?

oh no I didn't notice that. Tbh never thought about sending a card to thank for inviting Lottie to a party, no. I have sent cards to friends whose wedding we were invited to thought, esp if the bar was free, but no not done it for kids parties, maybe I should, oh noooooo, you've given me more to do!!!!!!!! No not really, I'm not going to start that!

for hosting the party? i thought it was just the guys who got presents sent thank you's. omg the world is being overtaken by card manufacturers...aagghhghhghghgh

I actually have NO IDEA what the done thing is. . .I can attest to having received thank-yous for parties I've given, both grown up dinner parties and birthday parties for my kids, but I, myself, never send them, and was wondering if I should. . .

I'm v. relieved that none of you do either.

no would for an adult party tho

( not that kind!!

lol cod!
dinner parties - fine to send card, or even postcard, but not for kiddies parties!!

I always send a note for a grown up dinner party, but never for attending children's ones.
I also don't send wedding anniversary cards to anyone - think that an anniversary is a private thing for the couple. would think it very wierd if anyone either than dh sent me one! also don't take any responsiblity for dh's familys birthdays, inc his nieces and nephews. that is his job (which he fails at completely but they don't care because they know him!)
do feel v bad for dh's 10 godchildren though - they don't get anything for their birthdays because I don't know when they are and they are HIS, after all, but I do take responsiblity for all their xmas presents otherwise they wouldn't get anything and I can't bear the thought of it. do resent it though!

pph i CAN TESTIFY HAS A VERY GOO D MEMORY FOR BIRTHDAYS
.
oops
I agree re god kids though
feel men a re crap godaftehrs
( well you know what I mean)