Do you have trouble finding time for social niceties, eg thank-you notes, cards, etc?

[expatkat]

Some of my most time-consuming responsibilities are thank-you notes, b-day cards, buying gifts for kids' parties, anniversary cards, sympathy cards, CHRISTMAS CARDS. . .It seems to be a responsibility that invariably falls to me.

I do about 80% of it, but fall down on the job about 20% of time. Got an annoying e-mail today from goody-goody SIL, who only takes note of my failures, saying, "Just reminding you that today is your MIL's wedding anniversary. Please ring her!" And here I was feeling pleased with myself for sending off 2 sympathy cards and writing a difficult letter to a dying friend this week.

And each year I say, "I'm not doing Christmas cards; I'll save a tree instead" but then feel the social/family pressure. . .

Just wondering if any of you sometimes go on strike from this stuff, or if you share the burden with your partner, or if you just don't care, or if you have any tips for dealing with social niceties AND working (if you work), looking after a house, looking after kids, etc. It just feels like way too much for me.

oh yes goo dpoint sue

bottle of wine for mum & dad is a great idea, however all the parties i've been to, to date, served wine for adults throughout party anyway and I've always taken a bottle but end of drinking it with them!!

No - I have to remind DH to phone his family all the time. I buy all the cards & pressies for both sides of the family & remember all the dates. I have been very good in sending out thankyous until DS last birthday (which was only a few weeks ago - I may get round to it soon!). Christmas cards & pressie buying also falls to me. We both work. DH does redeem himself slightly by doing all the cooking !

I'm a sad person who quite enjoys choosing,writing and sending cards - I suppose it's because I really like getting them too and appreciate the thought/time spent... I do think that thank yous are really important though.

i am utterly rubbish at the whole malarkey and need to make extraordinarily girding loins efforts to remember so as not to offend...

a phone call/email is fine in my book...and i would never ever take offence at not receiving these or cards etc.

am really truley useless at this sort of thing...feel guilty about it sometimes, but other times think sod it...

i dont do birthday cards not even to my own children or dh. i dont expect them either. id ont do anniversary cards either.

i do christening cards and xmas cards. in fact i spend over £1 sometimes on family cards ...EACH!!!

i do thank you cards when i feel it is really really deserved - but by the same token - i tip 10% when it is deserved.

i do not take responsability for my in laws - my dh has his own money and brains - he has as much time as me - if its that important his mother gets a card - he will buy it. he never does

I am truly inferior on all this. I do Christmas cards very very grudgingly but since I absolutely adore getting them I feel I should do them. Try to do birthday cards. Don't do thank you cards .

I ask DP to put his pawprint on cards to people who are my mates but his too (IYKWIM). No way would I dream of prodding him to send cards or pressies to his lot and find it slightly amazing when his friends have wives who take card-sending duties on (especially people I've never met, who send a most affectionate card to all of us. With our names spelled properly - something which takes a LOT of care - leaving male friend with no exertion but signing his name).

I do incidentally have lesbian friends who send their partners' cards for them too. It is not, apparently, just a Willy Thing like so many mysterious things in life.

do christmas cards
do thank you cards for birthday and xmas presents for DS
don't do birthday cards except family (unless going to adult b-day party or get together)
anniversary cards only for the couple to send to each other surely
DP pretty useless about the whole thing really

I have a very small family, but DH has 5 siblings all of whom have 3 children each. It's a nightmare trying to remember all the birthdays.
However, most of the kids are now teenagers and some away at uni.All of them are online, so I use a service called,birthday reminders.com, and just send them a funny e-card.

This thread has just reminded me to run off some thank you notes, my DS's have their 6th birthday party on Saturday. I've done some on the computer and I'll just get them to sign them.

Love the 'Willy Thing'
Binker - you've made me feel guilty now !!
I promise I'll do thankyou notes for DS at the weekend !!

Birthday cards and pressies - to immediate family + godchildren only, and I do his side as well as mine. I mind a bit, but not too much - he does other things, and if I don't do it and he decides a pressie should be bought, he'll go off and spend an afternoon shopping and delivering it att he last minute, while I am so much more efficient.

Christmas cards - he thinks that printing the envelopes on the computer saves so much time, using MailMerge from his outlook address book. Sadly, I have no idea how to do this (and intend to keep it that way) so he does them. We always combine change of address / new baby announcments with the Christmas cards, no matter when in the year we move / have baby (which is always Sept to Dec, so not that bad).

Thank you notes, usually intend to, generally forget for events (so that takes no time but apart from the momentary pangs of guilt) but manage it for pressies (these days, very brief - I have bought a stash of lovely handmade paper thank you notelets, which are very small).

Always have stash of cards, stamps, wrapping paper, jiffy bags and assorted potential pressies (mainly for kids parties, I do try to be individual for family). The most time consuming bit is finding the address (on his Outlook address system!).

Lots of good intentions here, but often no action, so will take some of the tips about organisation to heart everyone

Lovely post Yoyo, about your friend that passed away - has inspired me to sit down and finally pen some words to my godfather's wife. He died a couple of weeks ago, and I have been feeling awful that I didn't know what to say... so have been putting it off.
So thank you yoyo...

Don't do Christmas cards and only do birthdays cards/presents for my close family. Dp does his family and I'm with MI at being mystified at wives who take it on on their partner's behalf. Would only do cards for friends if I was seeing them on the day/remember because they've invited me to a party or something. I'd say thanks at the time for presents, including ds's presents at parties etc but will make him call people if he is sent something (as opposed to being handed it). So I guess the answer is I don't make much time for social niceties. Certainly don't send cards for ANYONE'S anniversary, and wouldn't think it reasonable to expect me to tbh! I also wouldn't send thanks for dinner although I might 'phone to say we had a lovely time.

I do Christmas and birthday cards - no problem. I am also very good at nagging DH when it is one of his family's birthday to but a card etc (I refuse to do that for him) but thank you cards (esp after DS1 was born) I was rubbish at. Probably a bit to do with PND. I remember my SIL saying I could do them after the christening and sort of "combine the two". She is very into thank you cards although I notice since she now has 3 children, I haven't received one after any of their birthdays or Christmas!!!
The rest of it, I have very good intentions....

Whizz - don't feel guilty - it's just my thing to do !

Actually, to be perfectly accurate, I have been known to send thank you cards/emails if I suspect I got Drunk and Embarrassing

Although if truly D&E in fact I don't, I skulk away in utter shame

one of my mum's brothers sends ALL their family cards, birthday, xmas, everything (I don't even know what my auntie's handwriting looks like!). must be the only man though...

I wonder what size his willy is then Bundle I've never typed willy on Mumsnet before...
Ahem! Lovely post yoyo, definitely going to adopt your tactics for the Christmas card marathon this year.
I would never normally claim to be even vaguely as organised as "spreadsheet supremo" Prufrock, but I have to admit to

• owning a Unicef card organiser for over a year now
• having all birthdays and anniversaries not only on my wall calendar but in my Psion AND in my Dodo pad (covering all eventualities)
• feeling quite huffy because my first Unicef Christmas card catalogue has obviously gone walkies, so have not been able to order cards yet
• being already in process of selecting photo of ds and dd to put on our Christmas Smiler stamps OK, I am a librarian...

We do usually do thank you cards for most things, not for being guests at a children's party though, and I am also going to copy Sue's lovely idea of a little pressie for the parents for any future parties. Inspired

BUT it never occurs to me to hold it against friends who are rubbish at any/all of the above, as they usually have warm hearts and that's what really counts. I know I am a bit excessive on the correspondence front. If our house was bigger I'd be a strong candidate for an escritoire...

DS1 has his birthday in mid-Dec and we always have had a birthday party for him.

Last year I got seriously ribbed when I sent out the party bags at the end each with 2 Xmas cards in (one for parents from us, and mini-kids2kids one) - as well as all the other goodies of course!

Personally I thought it was the height of organisation, and saved in postage.

I have a definite policy of leaving dh's family to him, and mine to me. I find it incredible that anyone should criticise someone for failing to send a card to a member of their husband's family!
I'm increasingly remiss with this sort of thing - its just got squeezed out with all the other things to do. Christmas cards I tend to send to people I rarely see and like to use it as a chance to keep in contact with them - personally I feel that if I can't add a few sentences of news, its not worth sending - I'm always really disappointed to get a 'to X love from Y' kind of card from someone I hardly ever hear from.
I wouldn't dream of writing a note after a dinner party - mind you I only really go for meals with good friends, and would generally mention it next time I was on the phone to them. I try my best to write after we've been to stay with someone, which I really think is teh polite thing to do, but sad to say don't always get around to it.
Try to do thank you card for gifts but ditto.
Like Marina though I try to be forgiving of others and hope they will be with me....

yoyo lol at drunk list
expatkat, your MIL's wedd ann fgs??? The only wedding anniversary I remember is my own!
Yes, like others, I do all this. We make our own christmas cards (much cheaper), need to start soon actually.
Also make thank-you cards. Top tip is to do these on the computer then it's not too hard to get them done. DS1 is 5 and so can sign a birthday card and draw quiet a nice picture now, DD (3) does some scribbling and sticking.
I quite like doing it and feel strongly that should always write thank-yous, esp for kids presents. Even if late, I'd rather get a late one than none. Notice that not everyoen feels the same.
Admire your stance Coddy! but tbh a lot of my Chr cards are the only contact all yr with those people so would be a shame to drop it.

I agree, don't write a thank-you for the kids b/day parties. Never had one either so that's fine.
I work as well btw. Thomcat, expat is right you are an inspiration! I need to do the month thing as well and will start right now.