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Original poster

my older sisters fiance raped my little sister but shes still marrying him

35 replies

screwedupfamily · 24/09/2007 21:38

its all so screwed up. my little sister was raped by my sisters fiance a few months ago and she kept it to herself. it was only when she slit her wrists that i made her tell me what was wrong. i convinced her to tell my dad and he flipped out (understandably) he was threatening to kill him but he eventually got past that and they told my sister what happened. she said she was gonna confront him and now shes not talking to any of us. she thinks it was all dsis fault and her h2b would never o anything wrong. she is still marrying him but none of our family will be there. its her son i feel sorry for cos he is so nasty to him and my sis just lets him.

this is a rant under a different name cos i needed to see it written down to try and see how she could do this.

i am not a troll

OP posts:
theUrbanDryad · 24/09/2007 21:41

i'mm so sorry to hear this. but if your sister's fiancee is capable of raping a younger girl, is it possible that he is abusing your older sister and that she's too scared/intimidated to call the wedding off? would it be worth speaking to her and telling her that if she does call it off you will all be there for her as a family.

this guy sounds like a nasty piece of work. has your younger sis been to the police?

Rhubarb · 24/09/2007 21:42

Report him to social services and make sure they keep an eye on your sister and her son. He sounds very controlling and may well be threatening your elder sister so she feels she has no choice. He may be the one who has cut her off from her family.

I think you should rally round as a family and be there for her and your nephew. They need your help whether they admit it or not. It's a lot easier for women to leave abusive relationships if they have a supportive family behind them.

Your sister needs someone to watch out for her, her son needs protection. Inform the authorities and make your presence felt in any way you can. Even if she tells you to "feck off" remember that she may have been told to say that. Even if she threatens you with violence, or he does, you need to stick around for that little boy. Don't give up on that child, not ever!

Original poster
screwedupfamily · 24/09/2007 21:45

she didnt go to the police cos it will be her word against his. he is not abusing my older sister she worships the ground he walks on. my wee sis is 16 and a flirt but that doesnt excuse what happened (she used to "flirt" with him but she does that with my dh and he takes it as a joke like its ment. i cant speak to her as we are not really close anyway

OP posts:
Original poster
screwedupfamily · 24/09/2007 21:47

i would never abandon my nephew. my parents are gonna look into getting him live with them. older sis went after my wee sis saying she was a slag and it was all her that did the chasing and he just must have had a moment of weakness

OP posts:
theUrbanDryad · 24/09/2007 21:48

she absolutely CAN go to the police.

i think Rhub's suggestion of reporting this man to SS is a good one. it could help your sis get the help she needs.

and remember - what you see is your sis worshipping the ground he walks on, what you don't see is him beating the living shit out of her behind closed doors so she perpetuates the myth.

Rhubarb · 24/09/2007 21:51

If this man is nasty to your nephew in public, just think about how he is in private. Do you honestly think that if he cannot be civil to a little boy he would treat your sister any better?

Your little sister can report him and you never know, he may have things on a police record he'd rather hide. If he's raped your little sis, chances are that's not the first time he's done it.

Do you really want your sister and your nephew to live with a rapist? Report him in any way you can and be there for your big sister no matter what abuse she hurls at you.

MrsMarvel · 24/09/2007 21:53

Would just like to agree with Rhubarb and dryad.

Protect your sister and her little boy.

Alambil · 24/09/2007 22:39

looking from the outside in to my relationship, people were convinced we were happily in love etc ... I was raped, beaten and abused behind closed doors

What you see is NOT always how it is - PLEASE encourage your little sister to report him (there are cases of rape brought 40 yrs after the event - months don't matter)

Please tell social services of your worries.

and above all - ignore the "worshipping" and any abuse she hurls about ruining her family

Eventually, she will know it was for her benefit - for all we know, she could be hoping above hope, like I did that SOMEONE SOMEWHERE would realise and help her

theUrbanDryad · 25/09/2007 10:36

Screwedup - how's it going? have you spoken to your little sister?

goingfriggincrazy · 25/09/2007 11:55

I took report my abuser after 11yrs of silence from me...police took it extremely seriously and it went through the court system-something that helped me start to grieve for all the pain.

This guy needs to be punished,like someone else said its likely that he will commit this terrible offence again ,if he hasn't already.Hes really not safe with your nephew.

I urge you to get your sister to get in contact with a rape crisis centre and discuss her options.She needs to be able to talk about whats happened to her ,even if she decides not to go to the police otherwise this could screw her life up before shes even started living,shes so young.

Thoughts.

curiouscat · 25/09/2007 12:00

Agree with the others he should be reported. Many convicted rapists are caught only after several offences.

Original poster
screwedupfamily · 26/09/2007 19:46

i dont want to speak to her. she called my dad and told him all sorts of lies about wee sis. my wee sis has moved out cos bs has convinced him she is lying or if it did happen it was all her fault she flaunted herself in front of any guy that moved.

my wee sis has now moved out and my dad says shes not welcome back into the house so now my mum is moving out

my sister is not in trouble apart from the fact that shes too proud to admit that her h2b is a nasty bastard. she wouldnt like people to think she was stupid enough to be with some1 like him

dont know if this is makig sense but i really want to text her or something and see if shes proud of what shes done

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 26/09/2007 20:33

I wouldn't do that.

Have a word with your mum and dad, ask them not to take sides. They should be supportive of their children no matter what and certainly shouldn't be throwing them out. Your little sister needs a lot of support right now as she will no doubt feel insecure, unloved and unwanted.

Do inform the authorities that they need to keep an eye on your nephew for possible abuse or neglect.

Stay out of the argument as much as possible. Just provide quiet support, don't take sides. Someone has to be the responsible adult in all of this and you sound the most sensible right now. Tell them all that you hear their arguments but right now you will provide support to those who need it irrespective of what they may or may not have done. Hopefully they will learn by your example.

Original poster
screwedupfamily · 26/09/2007 21:04

my family dont talk about things. my dad and me dont get on really if i was to explain the whole family thing i would either be told to see jerry springer or u would all think i was a troll. my older sis is the only 1 of my step siblings that talks to my dad and i think he feels that he has to back her up. he is blaming my mum for it all and if i was to do something it would all become my fault (yeah know it makes no sense but thats what its like) im not even ment to know about any of this. its a nightmare i dont know what to do

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 26/09/2007 21:08

And in the meantime your little nephew is in the middle of it all.

I think you need to offer support to those in most need of it, i.e. your little sister and your nephew. Don't offer an opinion about what is happening, refuse to be drawn into it. Instead offer to babysit your nephew, show him that there is one adult in all of this chaos that he can trust and who will be there for him. Take him out on trips and listen carefully to what he says, but don't ask him leading questions just so he'll say what you want him to.

Offer your little sister some support too. Offer to accompany her to the police if she wants to do that. You may have to keep your support a secret to the rest of your family, you may have to bite your tongue lots, but it's worth it to keep in touch with your nephew, who is already a victim.

Original poster
screwedupfamily · 26/09/2007 21:17

i dont get to see my nephew really anyway and there is no way she would let me take him anywhere.

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 26/09/2007 21:22

So what, if anything, will you do about it all?

We've offered lots of advice and I don't mean to sound harsh here, but you haven't told us what action you will be taking. Will you, for instance, report your concerns about your nephew to Social Services? Will you support your little sister?

I suggest you bury the hatchet with your big sister. You say she won't let you take him out, but I'll bet she has days when she would love a few hours on her own. Sell it to her that way. Offer to babysit. Don't let them cut themselves off because that's when you really will lose any control you have over the situation and will not have an inkling about what is going on. For the sake of your nephew, you cannot afford to let that happen. Be the responsible adult your family is crying out for.

Original poster
screwedupfamily · 26/09/2007 21:29

i am going to support my little sister. should have said my nephew is 7 and stays with his dad quite a lot. she is my step sister and we have never really got on. my whole family is falling apart and my other sis is pregnant and is getting ill with it all (high blood pressure)she agrees with me that my older sis is just as bad as him cos she is taking his word over her family

OP posts:
theUrbanDryad · 26/09/2007 21:30

why don't you get to see your nephew? because you don't see your big sis? Rhubs is talking massive amounts of sense, IMO, and i would just echo what she said. You need to show your family how to be sensible.

And I would still gently push your little sister to report the attack to the police. Even if she doesn't want to go to the police, she could go to a rape crisis centre (should be in your yellow pages, or google) and talk over her options with someone there. She will need support and counselling to come to terms with what has happened to her. Your dad's attitude of, "She was asking for it," is obviously not going to help.

Original poster
screwedupfamily · 26/09/2007 21:32

i did speak to her about it today and she said that would make it worse. she said that cos ahe couldnt prove it and it would be her word against his that would give older sis the "evidence" she needs that it didnt happen

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 26/09/2007 21:34

Did you mention the possibility to her that he may have raped before? That once she prosecutes, there may well be others who then come forward. I can't see it being his first offence tbh.

If your nephew lives with his dad mostly, can't you call his dad and ask to have some contact with him? He needs a good role model and a trustworthy adult in his life. It would make a huge difference to him, trust me.

Original poster
screwedupfamily · 26/09/2007 21:37

ok here is where the prob is (wasnt gonna mention this cos thought people would think i was making it up) ls was abused by our step brother when she was 3 and she thinks that by sayig that it had happened would make it look like she was looking for attention as well as her other reasons for not talking about it

OP posts:
theUrbanDryad · 26/09/2007 21:38

screwedup - there are ways that they can prove whether he did it or not. they can do DNA tests, as well as cross examine the accused. The thing is, it sounds like your big sister wouldn't believe he was guilty even if he was proved guilty in a court of law.

Original poster
screwedupfamily · 26/09/2007 21:40

it was 9 months ago so no way to get proof. she ended up slitting her wrists and thats how i got it out of her

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 26/09/2007 21:41

She needs counselling. Has your stepbrother touched any other family member? Maybe not that you know of..... does he have access to children today?

You need to tell her that YOU believe her. Encourage her to go to counselling and hopefully the counsellor will give her the confidence and self-esteem to be able to stand up to these bullies.

See her GP with her and explain the situation to them - it is all in confidence and your GP is not allowed, absolutely not, to repeat anything that is said to them to anyone else. Go to them therefore and ask that your little sister be referred as an emergency case to a counsellor. Once she has opened up to other people and found that she is believed, she will find it easier to tell the authorities.