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Original poster

Have just found out something and am really upset

43 replies

wishiwasunknown · 07/10/2004 17:00

I've changed my name for this, but am a regular. Ok, it's trivial. But I have just found out that someone I have known for years is a very regular poster on mumsnet. And now I don't feel at all comfortable posting. Or even if I'm honest, reading. I don't want to pry into her life, and I definitely don't want her to know things I've posted here. What can I do? I know there are some RL friends who post on here - does it bother you to have people who you know in RL reading things you post here? She doesn't know who I am, but I suddenly feel entirely disenfranchised.

Please give me some advice! I feel really sad and upset about this - partly because I don't feel I can ever post again, and partly because I am worried now about things I may have written in the past, that I wouldn't want people in RL to know (nothing dodgy, just personal things).

I'm really sad!

OP posts:
vict17 · 07/10/2004 17:04

Sorry to hear this. Do you think she knows what your nickname is though?

jampot · 07/10/2004 17:06

Hope it's not me!!!!

Beetroot · 07/10/2004 17:07

This reply has been deleted

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Beetroot · 07/10/2004 17:08

This reply has been deleted

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JoolsToo · 07/10/2004 17:09

me and dd post on the site - but we've got a great relationship and tell each other almost everything anyway - but I suppose I'd feel a bit differently if it was a friend and you knew each others nicknames - why don't you both agree to change names then it becomes private again?

cat82 · 07/10/2004 17:09

Mumsnet is anonoymous! she won't know who you are hon. Do you know her nickname? Don't worry, if you think she may know your nickname, then change it to something less obvious (if it is obvious so start with) and keep posting.

Take care
xxxx

nikkim · 07/10/2004 17:10

or me!!

The paranoia starts.

I can understand as many of us can be open and honest on here knowing that we can hide behind a veil of anonymity, i know I do.

How do you know she is a mumsnetter? Did she tell you as a way of hinting that she knew you were as well? Dos she know you use mumsnet? Could she work out who you are from your posts?

No advice really other than to say I can empathize, you could start posting under a new name but then we have lost all your history IYKWIM.

Original poster
wishiwasunknown · 07/10/2004 17:15

Don't be paranoid - I really like this person (and it isn't anyone here anyway), but just don't feel comfotable with the potential lack of anonymity - that is one of the most valuable things for me, to be able to talk about things really personal to me, without anyone in RL knowing. And if I had known there was someone I knew in real life, I wouldn't have posted!

She doesn't know my user name, but having discovered she was a mumsnet user, it only took about 3 minutes to work out who she was. My user name is quite obvious, but not totally transparent, in that it is not my name!

I just feel I've lost something that was really good!

OP posts:
anorak · 07/10/2004 17:16

What a shame. I have introduced a couple of people to mn and they enjoy it, but I am very open with my friends about my life anyway. If I thought I recognised another poster I'd ask, and I find it strange this other person hasn't said something if she recognises you.

Tinker · 07/10/2004 17:20

Post a few details to put her off the scent. Add a few years to your age, refer to your son when you have a problem with your daughter etc

marthamoo · 07/10/2004 17:26

If she doesn't know you're a MN-er, she won't be looking for you, iykwim! Change your name if it's too recognisable, or ask for posts to be deleted. But don't stop MN-ing

My best friend knows that I post on here (she knows it all anyway) but I tend not to tell many other people. Even though I only post the boring minutiae of my life (don't have any deep, dark secrets) I wouldn't want all and sundry reading it and knowing it was me - so I do sympathise.

SoupDragon · 07/10/2004 17:26

This happened with me and another MNer. Something she posted made me go "OMG!" as the penny dropped. It hasn't been a problem at all.

Certainly if I had something to say that I wouldn't want to say in front of her, I'd change my user name temporarily and post under that, taking care to disguise my style. The other MNer has managed to do this too in order to hide stuff from me.

Marina · 07/10/2004 17:48

Now you've got us all wondering!
I'd like to think if she was a regular too that she might be sad that her presence was putting another Mumsnetter off enjoying the site.
I'm with Soupy on this one - I have a personal rule when Mumsnetting - I don't go looking at posts to see if I can guess if I know the person in RL, and if I did ever spot someone I knew in RL, I'd never hint to them I'd rumbled them, or post anything that might embarrass or "out" them.
If you can, take a deep breath and stay with us. Does it help at all to think that compared to the whole wide WWWorld seeing our postings, one RL friend might not be so awful?
Sorry you are feeling disconcerted and sad.

MeanBean · 07/10/2004 17:48

I would tell her that you've worked out who she is, so that it gives her the opportunity to change her name.

I've been thinking recently that it might be a good idea to change names once in a while, just to preserve anonymity. I agree that that's the strength of this place.

roisin · 07/10/2004 18:05

I agree meanbean. I changed my name some time back, and lots of people on here know who I used to be iyswim, but if someone from my RL was on here they wouldn't, so wouldn't automatically have access to all my stuff. I like the anonymity on here: I never post anything that I would not be prepared to admit to and justify in RL; and I do have personal rules about generally not discussing my dh, or anything specific and negative about friends or other people's children; but I am more open on here than in RL.
Maybe time for another name change me thinks. Any suggestions?

Having said that I do post loads, and a RL friend would have to be pretty desperate to trawl through many of my boring witterings to find anything much to latch on to!

childmindersam · 07/10/2004 18:15

YIKES i told my mate at 4.30 i had found a gr8 website and told her im a regular! Hope this aint me best mate worried!

SecondhandRose · 07/10/2004 19:33

What's RL? I can only think of Ralph Lauren!

SoupDragon · 07/10/2004 19:33

You need to get out more - it's Real Life

MTS · 07/10/2004 19:33

real life

lou33 · 07/10/2004 19:35

Spacemonkey is my best friend irl, and I told her about this site. I don't have any worries about her or any other of my friends knowing i am on here or recommending it. She probably knows more things about me than dh tbh. I would change my name for anything personal, and change details about kids etc to throw them off the scent.

Flik · 07/10/2004 19:44

The only thing with changing your name regularly is surly that makes it harder to build a rapour with other posters. I've been using for about 6 weeks and only now feel comfoortable about posting regularly. If I changed name then noone would know who I was? Any wishiwasunknown, sorry to harp on. Definatly don't stop posting We're all here for the same reasons and this friend if she did recognise you would surly respect your privacy.

mummylove · 07/10/2004 19:50

hello

i had this problem but in the end decided to keep my name, but cringed when i thought she migt do a search of all my threads... now that would be embarassing but i let it go anyway she is one of my best friends i actually told her about the website.

since then i have told a few more expectant mums so i decided the other week to change my name... sad i know but they would of known immediately who i was and i was talking about masturbation last week so do you blame me???

can you guess who i was?.... nah only joking dont say.

i am sorry about how you feel because i feel like that too i think she felt it because she said "oh i never look at that site anymore"...

dont worry, if you ever have any real embarassing questions then set up a second account with different name.

x

Aero · 07/10/2004 19:53

Cadbury and I know each other in RL - I didn't know her nickname (though think I told her mine when I was raving about my discovery of mn one day and found out she already knew about it), but recognised her instantly by one of her posts and her style of writing/speaking. It's never been a problem to us (I hope I can speak for you too here Cadders) - we chat about it regularly in RL too!! As yet, have no deep dark secrets to post though!!

WideWebWitch · 07/10/2004 19:58

I know the feeling wishiwasunknown, I have told some RL friends about mn but only those I would tell a lot of stuff to anyway. I wouldn't want someone I didn't confide in to know about mn, although I doubt there's much I post here that I wouldn't discuss with almosnt anyone anyway. I am a high discloser though, don't have many secrets. I agree with Marina, I bet your friend wouldn't want to think she'd inhibited you in any way. Have you really posted anything that personal or that you wouldn't want her to know? In which case, could you just delete those posts? I doubt I'd recognise someone I knew here tbh, unless they put where they live (and it was same city as me), child's age, name, street, husband's name etc etc and only then would the penny drop I think! Why don't you search on your own posts and see what worries you or not as the case may be?

pollyanna · 07/10/2004 20:01

I know some other posters in RL - we didn't discuss this website before I realised who they were in RL, but they were easy to discover and they discovered me pretty quickly too. I try not to read anything which I think would be too personal as I would feel as though I was spying on them. If I was going to post, I would post really personal things under a pseudonim i think (and probably so would they).