Feeling guilty for staying at home.

[lilly72]

I am currently feeling very guilty about not going back to work as my daughter is a year old. I find myself justifying why I stay at home and that I find it very satisfying and fulfilling. I am looking for part time work in the evenings for financial reasons, but feel that I am not doing the best for my daughter by staying at home with her. Lots of other Mums have suggested putting her in nursery for stimulation, suggesting not enough with me!

When ds was born, both me and dh went part time so we could share child care. DH was born to have kids and is great with ds. We feel that ds gets the best of both worlds and he is a very happy, confident and well adjusted boy. He is starting nursery for 2 days a week very soon (he'll be 20 months) as I think it will be very good for him to mix with others, do activities we don't do at home etc. He does mix and do lots of stuff with us but I also know other kids who go to nursery and they seem to benefit in other ways too, like speech and learning. Hopefully, both at home and at nursery, we will give him a good balance.

Oh dear, I can't wait till dd starts at nursery next week! I have reached the limit of my playdoh/baking/singing skills and we are starting to spend more and more afternoons on the sofa watching videos. There's no question in my mind that she'll get loads out of it, not just socialisation but really genuinely stimulating activities that I just can't be bothered with.

My only gripe about full-time nursery is that all the children I know that have been from a very young age find it really difficult to entertain themselves and are used to everything being provided for them.

For the record, I am primarily a SAHM although I'm a bit sick of it and would love to go back to work when new babe is old enough.

Bluestar, a lot of people wish they could do that, but it's hard in practical terms.

I think that is a good way. It does depend on companies allowing you to work part time though. I'm not sure if parents should be allowed to change their contracted hours but if it is allowed, then both men and women with children should be allowed to do it.

I caught a thing in "Good Housekeeping" with Tessa Jowell.

She said "As the media sees it
Men are
Masterful
Cool
Powerful
Passionate
Headstrong
Caring
Angry
Distinguished
Themselves

Women are
Domineering
Controlling
Bossy
Nannying
Strident
Old
Only mother of three, wife of Mr X"

Something like that anyway it was.

Regards to going out swimming etc, I do that but I'm not going to say it's hard work. It isn't. I wish people would be more honest sometimes and say that they like having a lot of leisure time. I work occasional days - and forutunately can still pay the bills - because I like having more time off.

I'm not going to try and say that it's just as exhausting on my days off.

JBR, you're right, it is hard work with both of you working part time and child caring the rest of the time. Financially it is especially hard, but after several months, we now have a system that works for us. Sometimes I do think it would have been easier to either SAH full time or work full time and something I read whilst pregnant about doing it all - juggling work and child care - is absolutely TRUE, it is hard work doing both, but like other people have said, it's not lon before the kids grow up and go to school and neither of us will look back and regret the hard work and the time we BOTH spent with ds.

Jbr too true!
I do so dislike when people say looking after kids is the hardest job in the world as if that were a universal truth.
It might be for them but it isn't for me.
I work three days now and it is totally absorbing, exhausting, sometimes exhiliarating and I usually like it.
The days I am at home with my kids are hard work too but in a different way, and quite frankly, not nearly so hard!(and I like them better)
Basically on my days at home I can at any point say, stuff the housework ,come on kids, lets go and play in the sunshine/rain/mud.
I can't do that at work.
My paid work is harder but less valuable in the great scheme of things than my unpaid work .
Peace and harmony amongst mumsnetters

I would like to add my support to Jenny, although I do work part time. It's fine if you have a really good nursery, but I have taken my 3 yr old DS out of his extremely good nursery because he was miserable for some (not all) of the time. It just didn't suit him. I think what Jenny means can be best expressed by quoting something Penelope Leach said about nursery: "Less positive and less looked at are images of those same children, 7 hours later: past playing, past learning and still with 2 hours before they are collected".
My mum worked full time and I missed her constantly, whether the childcare she found was good, bad or indifferent. The walls may have changed, but I just wanted my mum. Also, I believe that children are very good at sensing the difference between someone who loves them and someone who is doing things with them because they are paid to.

when i was pregnant with my dd now 2 and a half i said i wouldnt work full stop until she went to school.due to financial reasons i couldnt do this a year ago and was offered the chance to have my old job back on a part time basis.i actually only work two and a half hours aday and am lucky enough that my mum works at the same place and finishes work when i start so she looks after my dd.recently my mum was off sick for two weeks and i really missed the company of the people at work.dont get me wrong i love being at home with my dd and we have great fun most of the time ,although she doesnt go to nursery or toddler groups(they are few a far between round here)she is very advanced for her age.
i feel i have the best of both worlds my daughter spends most of her time with me and we go to the park where she mixes with other children and we play games ,draw bake etc...all the things that stay at home mums do but then i get time for myself with other adults.
i can see the argument from both sides and feel very lucky that i get the best of both worlds.
as for putting her into nursery the childcare here is very expensive and i cannot afford to do this ,and as she is a bright very happy child then i do not feel she is missing out.when she is with friens children or children in the park she is well behaved and joins inwell.

lily 72 - I have only just seen this thread and can empathise totally. I have now totally lost contact with three of my so-called "close friends" from work - all who work fulltime and have young pre school age children. Before I went on maternity leave I was open with them that I was unlikely to go back to work. I was sensitive to their own situations and deliberately didn?t voice my own opinions on the subject and yet they felt totally relaxed about going on and on about how I would go stir crazy, that they work for their children?s own benefit (their children are apparently more social and confident than babies who are at home with mum....) One kept telling me how she is so glad she was back at work as her brain was going spongy and stay at home mums slowly ended up brain dead!!!
At first it really hurt me that they were so busy justifying their own position that they found it ok to belittle my position. Now I realise that I don?t miss their "friendship" at all and have found new like-minded friends that cover any possible void they may have left.
Enjoy your time and feel happy and confident that you are doing your absolute best for your child. Personally, I feel fortunate that I am able to stay at home and bring up my dd myself and have an understanding dh who is totally ok with the drop in wages (I work a little part-time in eves. like you)

So much depends on the quality of the childcare - what Penelope Leach says is certainly not true of my kids - there are a lot of days when I have trouble getting them to leave nursery (especially my 2 y.o. dd) because what they are doing is so absorbing. Also, the staff may not love my children the way I do, but they certainly like them, and are interested in them - I've seen the way they talk to and about my kids and the others at nursery. Our nursery is a good one and it suits my children - ds will be very sad to leave next Monday, and I just hope he gets the same level of care and interest at his 'big' school.

Obviously there are children nursery doesn't suit, and nurseries that are not as good as they might be. All I know is that my mum, who was extremely critical of my decision to send my children to nursery, now says that she wishes she had sent me to one, having seen how my kids are getting on.

For all my ranting about nurseries and so on, my dd will be going to a nursery for one afternoon a week whilst I go to college. She is two now and quite articulate so I feel happier in that she can tell me what is going on. I agree that you do need to have a balance, and after two years of staying at home full-time with your child, it is time you had a break. I will feel quite anxious for her, but have gone through the info about the creche (it is attached to the college) thoroughly and feel that they are professional and mature.

Next year I will be sending her to a nursery that is affiliated with her primary school on a more regular basis, so that school does not come as a complete shock to her.

It seems to me in this debate that people are having such black and white views on an area where there are so many shades of grey. There are different qualities of nurseries, different children who react differently to social situations, staff who work there for purely financial reasons and those who love kids. Then there are some carers who work part-time, some full-time, some variations in between. The point is that each one of us knows if their child is happy or not. As I said before I work 2 days per week and my dd, like Azzie's, has to be dragged away from nursery. Very often, with nurseries, you can tell if there is a happy atmosphere quite easily as you visit and see all the children.

As a professional childminder of 15 years, and looked after some families for 10 years, and over 10 sets of siblings. I would like to add to what Rhubabrb said about childminders. In my experience those who go to playgroups/drop in, toddlers etc every day as some do, are basically avoiding being in the home with their charges doing what they should be doing - activities at home.
I know a lot of c/m's who do so and happily admit that they want to keep them out of their house so it doesn't 'get messed up'. I think it is appalling and would advise people to avoid c/m's who go to groups every day. It might sound great, - oh, we go out everyday, etc, but where do they go?
Children need a quiet calm environment, with the attention of a carer, time to read stories, learn new skills, all the things that being at home can provide, as well as meeting other children and making visits to aprks etc. not the constant noisy bustle and aggro of kids fighting over a bunch of grotty broken toys, on a daily basis whilst the carers sit round gossipping (I've seen it, believe me) (Mind you nannies do the same in Macdonalds, and ignore the babies in their pushchairs whilst they talk about make up, boyfriends and soaps!) but that's another story.

I do believe that babies are better at home or a home like environment, with a strict ratio of carers, not as part of a larger group setting than a nursery for the first 18 months and some new research due to be published next year will show that.
I am more than happy if some of my little ones go off to nursery at about 2.5 ish as they can do all the things I don't necessarily want to do all the time - have a water / sand tray out permanently, have paint out everyday. But I plan my activities carefully and we do follow a theme. This term we are doing 'all about myself' talking about growing, measuring, what we can do, or can't quite do yet etc.

Like most things there are good and bad nurseries and childminders, you just have to go with what you feel suits you and your child, we always have the good intentions of our children at heart.

alibubbles, I absolutely agree. Dd has been to a childminder regularly from about 23 months and the quiet, home-like environment was perfect for her. Although her childminder is very 'up' on child education, they spent a lot of time playing, and doing normal run of the mill type activities, with lots of reading and simple cutting, sticking and scribbling. It was the making of my daughter, who will start nursery finally next week (at 2.9). I would recommend a childminder to anyone. Unfortunately there almost seems to be a snobbery about it, as if somehow full-time nursery is going to be better educationally for their children. This saddens me as I have seen first hand how beneficial that quiet environment can be, especially for more timid children.

Whenever my working mum friends ask me what i do at home all day I tell them I do exactly what they pay someone else to do. I read, paint,cut and stick, build lego towers, take my children for walks, on trips to the park, to parent and toddler groups, swimming, to the market wherever . Whatever we do is at their pace (well usually)and I am nearly always there to insist that they share, say please and thankyou and learn to control their tempers and most importantly to give them a cuddle if they are hurt or upset. It can be extremely emotionally draining, and dare I say boring at times but I really feel that the reward in witnessing every tiny development is more than worth it and most of the time we have a lot of fun. I have two boys aged 31/2 and 2.

I take my hat off to you Joben, and all other SAHMs. I just couldn't have done it, I'm not cut out to stay at home with small children all the time, and my children - and my marriage - would have suffered if I had. I'm extremely glad that my children are the sort who have thrived at nursery and that we have been lucky enough to find such a good nursery for them to go to.

I became a little disillusioned with my childminder precisely because she didn't take ds out - and he loves it. He's not old enough for drawing and cutting and baking etc. He likes trains and planes and dogs and cats and swings and flowers and trees, none of which were available in her house. he loves it when I take him to a park with children playing in it (actually, he screams with delight and excitement as we go up the road to the park!) In the end she gave up childminding, so now have a (controversial!) nannyshare, with lovely woman in her thirties who seems to really like my son, and takes him all over. He seems to flourish on this. Again, it just proves different things please and satisfy different children.

Azzie, I agree with you - love being with my kids but my 3 days at work give me a balance for so many reasons. From being a sahm to a period of working fulltime, I have found that you do know what works for you and your kids and somehow you manage to make your situation fit to what feels right. In my experience, all the mothers I know do what they personally feel is right for their children and themselves - and that is really all you can ask of yourself!

Lilly & Jaytree, I sympathise entirely about other people making judgements about your choice to stay at home. It really annoys me when people (especially my colleagues) say that you have to go back to work after you have children to get some adult conversation / stop your brain turning soft etc. I don't know what the conversation in their offices is like, but ours generally revolves around last night's TV! I suppose it's different if you're doing a socially worthwhile job, but I don't know many people that do.

Personally, I work full-time & my daughter goes to an excellent nursery. I think that comment by P Leach is way out of line (and just plain unhelpful). However, I know that less than excellent nurseries are still able to thrive as demand is so high for places. I'd love to be able to work part-time, but my request was flatly refused. Roll on next year when we'll have the right to ask for part-time work "and have it seriously considered"! (Before being flatly refused. Ha, ha ha.)

(Slug sighs and takes a deep breath, this is a subject very dear to her own heart.)

You should never feel guilty for staying home with your children, nor should you feel guilty for going to work. This is precisely what the women's movement of the last 100 years has been about, giving women a choice. 40 years ago when my mother started having children there was no childcare and women could legally be paid less for doing the same job as a man. Societal attitudes meant she effectivly had no choice in the matter. The difference nowdays is that it is recognised that just because we have two X chromosomes it does not mean we automatically are at our best staying home with our children. I am in awe of those women who can do it. You have far more patience than me and I am sure you give your children all the stimulation they need. I learnt long ago that I do not have the personality to stay at home with my child however much I love her. The women's movement has also meant that I can support my family financially while my husband gives up work to be a sahd. He has benefited from this as much as me.

You will do your child no good if you are depressed or unhappy with your situation. A mother on Valium cannot be a good thing. If you are happy with your situation then good. Enjoy your child and give thanks for all the women who came before you and struggled so that you could coose to do what is best for you and your family, not be forced into something that may make you unhappy.

Slug
well said, well said indeed.

Slug - really good post, well said.

I'm a sahm and loving every minute of it. I have also been a working mum - loved that too. But circumstances have changed and I can now be at home. I'm sure that in due course I'll be ready to go back to "paid" employment, but for the time being I shall stay at home and play with my dd, take my ds to after school activities, keep house, cook dinner and generally enjoy myself Seriously, I love being a domestic engineer.

Agree Slug, good post.

Thanks Slug, a really spot-on post.