Feeling guilty for staying at home.

[lilly72]

I am currently feeling very guilty about not going back to work as my daughter is a year old. I find myself justifying why I stay at home and that I find it very satisfying and fulfilling. I am looking for part time work in the evenings for financial reasons, but feel that I am not doing the best for my daughter by staying at home with her. Lots of other Mums have suggested putting her in nursery for stimulation, suggesting not enough with me!

rubbish! As long as you take her out, let her interact with other kids, do different activities etc. It's quite enough!! If you are financially able to stay at home (or nearly, like me, as I work from home as a caterer a couple of times a month at the moment to suppliment our income, while dm or mil look after ds) I think that's fantastic! Our children will be at school soon enough - believe me. This is a vital time for parental input in terms of emotional intelligence, development, security etc. and you know how much you are putting in to your childs life - you should be proud! (if a little bored and weary at times - at least I am )
You're friends sound odd - perhaps guilt on their part for putting their kids in nurseries?

If you find it satisfying and fulfilling don't worry about it, that's great! I disagree with the other mums about her not getting enough stimulation without nursery and agree with Manna, if you do things with her and talk to her then she is getting stimulation. She's only one and school/pre-school does come round soon enough.

Couldn't agree more with the comments here! They can get plenty of stimulation at home and learn so much just by being with you. That one to one care with a parent is irreplaceable and the best start in life IMO. Enjoy it and don't listen to your daft friends! A couple of mornings at a playgroup when she's 2 is a good idea later. Enjoy the precious time together.

How could you be doing any better for your dd? Spending time with her and helping her learn about the world. Why is it that nursery is thought to be so much better for the child? Nurseries were set up for the convenience of the parent. The child's needs are secondary. By that I mean the system was not set up to satisfy the needs of the child, it was set up so that parents would have somewhere to leave their children so that they could work. Creating them to serve children's needs came after that. I'm not saying that nurseries are bad, but I think they are a compromise. They cannot provide anything for your child that you cannot povide yourself given the time and inclination.

I think some working mothers choose tp have the view that if you stay at home you spend your days toing housework and watching daytime tv. I know I certainly don't. We go out to parent and toddler groups, activities, for walks,to visit people, we play games, colour,paint, make tents in the garden, cook, sing songs, read, build things, make things, play with playdoh, play with cars, dolls...you name it, we do it How can nursery compete? We do what we want whenever the mood takes us so the children dictate the pattern to the day - rather than having it dictated to them (this is part of the reason we are planning to home-educate - so this can continue - but that is another matter).

There can be nothing more wonderful than spending time with your children, watching them learn, grow and develop. Something you undoubtably miss out on if someone else is caring for your child. I know I wouldn't change it for the world. I also think we have a very strong, close relationship because I know my kids better than anyone - I am with them 24/7. Kids grow up so fast. I'd hate to look back when they're all grown up and wish I'd spent more time with them when I had the chance.

Don't listen to what anyone else says. Do what's in your heart. I believe you're doing the best for your child, and if you do then nothing else matters.

I know I'm going to get into trouble for what I've said, but this is a forum for free speech and I have only said what I believe. I don't want to offend anyone, it's just the way I feel.

I work 3 days a week, suits me down to the ground and dd gets lots of stimulation (!) at her nursery..but what I think she benefits from mostly is the autonomy (from me not being there) and socialisation skills she's learning from the other kids. maybe this is what the other mums mean. when we were away for 2 weeks recently I'm sure dd missed the routine of her nursery & her little friends. but each to their own, I say and don't feel bad about doing it your way because you sound like you have a nice thing going on.

I wouldn't like to say that one way is necessarily a better start to life than another but if you, your partner and daughter are happy, then that's all that matters.

oooh - Jenny, I do take issue with a couple of things..the variety of activities you mention is certainly mirrored by the array of things my dd has the opportunity to do at nursery - she made play-doh yesterday before actually playing with it - no one is forced! the child's needs are catered for and she's learning about the needs and wants of other people - just like in the big wide world! A good nursery is a good environment for children, you cannot say that nursery cannot compete with what you do with your child. I do not need to be with her 24/7 to give her enjoyable things to do. it would be suffocating for both of us. There is no tv at nursery. I don't 'miss out' on anything with dd - my time at work helps me to remain a sane, competent and creative human being - ie happy, which in turn is good for her and she is with people I trust and respect during my 3 day week. My relationship with dd is particularly strong at the moment and we have a good laugh together, the 4 days a week I spend with her. I still know her better than anyone, so don't try suggesting that my option is second-rate. it isn't - it's personal and I feel is the best I could wish for - for her, me and dh.

And home education is definitely not for everyone!

I'd like to echo what bundle says. My dd goes to nursery 2 days per week and I'm going back to work after my second (even though it won't pay financially after nursery fees) because I am so impressed with what dd gets out of going to nursery. Staff organise activities for children the whole day, they have no housework, cooking or shopping to do. The nursery is on a farm and dd was going out for walks twice a day during the summer. Yes I could do all these activities at home but who honestly has the time or energy.

Oh, Bundle I knew I'd be stirring up some emotions. I would certainly not suggest that Home-ed is for everyone. Nor was I suggesting that nurseries force children to do activities they don't want. But children are restricted by what activities are available on a particular day.

Same opinion as Mog and bundle really - both my dds go to nursery 2 days while I work and to dm 1 day. They seem to love nursery, dd1(2.7) has her friends and loves to come back and tell me who she has seen today, and dd2 is in the next room, and they see each other when playing outside.

They have just started potty training dd1 on monday, and she has had no accidents these 2 days - she wouldn't consider pants at home but wants to be like her friends at nursery - so this has been a big help this week.

Also they eat very well there, lots of variety, play outside a lot, and the staff are brilliant. DD1 goes to bed at night singing songs they did that day.

For dh and I nursery has been a very positive experience and both our dds seem to interact very well with other children - and I think that nursery has encouraged this.

Ok, Mog. I have housework, shopping and cooking to do, but why is that a bad thing? My kids learn to take their share in the tidying. At present they are only 17 months and just turned 4, but it's never too young to teach them and to my mind they younger they start the less of an issue it is. We make a game out of it. Stick some music on and dance round the room, whist picking up toys or flicking a duster around.

Shopping stimultates lots of conversations about food, origins of food, shapes, colour, taste etc, as well as being a good way to learn some basic maths

As for cooking, well if it's not something they can join in with (weighing, measuring, cutting, washing, preperation etc) then it gives them some all important time to amuse themsleves without being 'stimulated'

Jenny, can we PLEASE not start "is a SAHM or working Mum better" debate again?! You might want to stay at home and you might enjoy it but it's not for everyone. All parents are entitled to make their own choices and one way is not better than the other IMO. I have been a SAHM but I would defend to the teeth anyones' right to work and be a parent. The two are not mutually exclusive. I agree that you are entitled to your opinion (as is everyone else) but I don't think it's appropriate or helpful to critisise other peoples' choices (if that's what you were doing - if I've misunderstood you I apologise)

Everybody is rght here. You do what suits your child. I went back to work part-time for financial reasons but found that I loved being back. Apart from breastfeeding I am a pretty crap mum. I adored my babies but found toddlerhood stressful and depressing at times. I hated baking at home and loved the kids getting more stimlation at nursery because I am a lazy pig
I take my hat off to the mums who have very interactivb]e lives with wee ones at home. I was hopeless at it - so was my mum. Wish I was a more creative person.
CHildren are happiest where there paretns are happy. My poor kids needed to mgo to nursery to get decent things to do even though I wasa home most of the time

One thing I have really appreciated about nursery is that both my children get to do lots of activities at their level (including some that I probably wouldn't have dared to attempt at home ). I have a feeling that if both were at home with me all the time, we would do lots of stuff but it would have to be things that dd (aged 2) could take part in, so ds might miss out on things that the nursery have been able to do with a group of 4 year-olds - he has done so much and enjoyed himself so much over the last year. I'd be interested to know how SAHMs with more than one child cope with this.

Nursery has been great for our family, but I can see that for some children it may not work so well - if either of mine had been at all shy, nervous or quiet I probably wouldn't have sent them. Equally, I have personally needed to work, and think that I am a better mum because because of it - again, it's a matter of personality and of being honest with yourself about balancing your needs with those of your family. I find it hard to imagine that my children would have been any happier than they are now if I had stayed home full time, but who knows? At the end of the day we all do what seems best to us at the time.

www, I wasn't critisising anyone's opinions, if that's the way it came across then I apologise. I was just trying to point out that a home environment can be every bit as stimulating as a nursery.

yes, tbh i do think home is the best place for children but it hs to be something you want to do. I would never try and impose my beliefs on others, as far as I'm concerned I was just expressing my opinions, and trying to be supportive of someone who's being made guilty for being a sahm

In that case Jenny, I'm sorry, I've absolutely NO wish to start WWIII (or IV or whatever we're on) here

jenny2998 it might just be a bit more helpful if you said that home is the best place for "my" children rather than children generally. AS others have so eloquently said here everybody's cituation is different.

Jenny your child is "restricted" if eg you have your head down the loo when you get a bug, have a migraine or even if a washing machine is being delivered - that's life! rose tinted specs are being used here, I suspect...
I went to school at 3 and was so ready for it, my mum cried at the school gates but I was off skipping through the playground, never looking back I think dd has a lot of my independence and I love peeking at her playing before she spots me when I go to pick her up, seeing this creature developing and loving life, just how I'd like her to. dh 'offered' to let me give up work some time back, but I said no I wanted things to stay as they are because it suits us all, even if it's not exactly financially rewarding! no www3 - just different strokes for different folks, I suppose

hi i stayed at home with first child but could of done with a nursery just one day a week as spent so much time and money on playgroups swimming going on day trips travelling to meet friends children when they go to school and compare nursery children to stay at home children there seems to be no difference i think it depends on the children

I am so looking forward to my ds going to nursery when he's a bit older (he's 11mosnow) because I think when he's 2 who will enjoy the other children etc. I love being with him but also like to work. Personally, I think it's not right for him to be a nursery yet because he can't walk, crawl or talk (loves to stand up and says words, but is clearly going to miss out the crawling stage) and likes lots of one-on-one time so I would worry about his being overlooked (probably quite an unnecessary worry, but hey, that's me). I'm sure everyone here does what they believe best for their individual child. BTW I loved my Sunday School (because I got cream soda and made cakes!) and kindergarten a couple of days a week, but hated school from day 1 until the day I left. I don't think there was ever a right time for me to go to school!

Well, you know what I think about sharing everything!

Working P/T is something for your CV. I never understand why people encourage people encourage mothers to join clubs eg hobbies or college so they can have something for themselves, but if you work (which can take up less time than a course) you are selfish.

There are about a hundred dubious comments in here, not least the idea that it should be the mother who doesn't work, but quite frankly, it would take about an hour to pick through all of them.

I only work occasional days, by the way.

wow jbr, you sound p*ed off about something! I don't need something on my cv, my career was v well established when dd was born and I actually ENJOY my job (I know a lot of people who don't) and me & dh agree on the current arrangements - they work for all 3 of us

Aloha - I'm surprised you think that your DS would be overlooked at nursery because he can't walk. My DS was in the baby room at nursery from 3 months to 12.5 months when he started walking and he sounds very much like your DS in missing out the crawling stage. Being able to stand and furniture walk while being watched by an appreciative audience of younger babies went down very well. Wouldn't your local nurseries seperate the younger children?

Maybe another point...I am happy to debate this and don't really mind if people are passionately against what I say. I don't go in for slanging matches and it is not about individuals.

I am confident that the decisions I have made are the right ones for myself and my children. It makes me wonder if those who get so defensive and upset are suffering guilty consciences/doubt about what they're saying. Maybe I'm wrong, but why get so wound up otherwise?

of course you don't mind if people are passionately against what you are saying if you assume it is only because of their guilty consciences! lol, jenny!