Feeling guilty for staying at home.

[lilly72]

I am currently feeling very guilty about not going back to work as my daughter is a year old. I find myself justifying why I stay at home and that I find it very satisfying and fulfilling. I am looking for part time work in the evenings for financial reasons, but feel that I am not doing the best for my daughter by staying at home with her. Lots of other Mums have suggested putting her in nursery for stimulation, suggesting not enough with me!

Jenny2998, your comment that those of us who are being defensive about their childcare choices must have guilty consciences reminds me of the accusation that the Secretary General of the UN had been abducted by aliens. Because he publicly denied it, it was argued that something must have happened, otherwise he wouldn't bother denying it!

On the topic of home vs nursery, did anybody read the article by Pinker in the Times today?
www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,7-402969,00.html [can't get that linky thing to work] basically that whatever parents do doesn't seem to make any difference!

My mum has a career in the City which was v. unusual in the 70's. I never minded at all - my nan looked after me and I went to nursery in the mornings from the age of 2 and a half. However, I also decided quite early on that if I had children then I was going to be a SAHM - I decided this a long time before I had dd. I think that I realised that I didn't want to miss out on what my mum missed out on. However, I also have no doubt that my mum would have gone off her head if she'd had to stay home with me. I'm so proud of her and understand that she did what was right for her family, just as I'm doing what's right for mine.

Bozza, sincerely no criticism of your choice, not at all. Just it bothered me that someone might not go to him if he couldn't go to them. As I said, probably an irrational worry based on ignorance, but one that shaped my childcare choices. As I said, I think he'll love it when he 's older (and the nursery he's down for has an eternal waiting list anyway

Oh dear. What I meant is if you're confident in your choices, you defend them, of course, but why get so upset when others express differing opinions?

Jenny,
If you read back over the postings it sounds like you are on the defensive. As far as I can see all the mums talking about childcare have simply stated what works for them, not criticised anyone elses choices.

Mog I'm not on the offensive, just obviously not putting my views over very well. I have not critisised anyone elses choices, just explained mine, offered advice and apologised when it has come over the wrong way.

message withdrawn

lol, or the defensive

I think it's all to do with your personality. I took a year out when the sluglet was born, confident I would love it, by 3 months I was climbing the walls begging to go back to work. In contrast, dh came home today and announced he wants to quit work and be a SAH dad. Full marks to the guy, not sure quite how we'll cope financially, but I'm all for him taking a year out to look after his child. He has the better personality for it than me.

I must admit, I don't like the idea of young children in nurseries - only because of the experiences I've seen of others. So before you all shoot me down, just hear me out. At playgroup there are a number of childminders who come in with a couple, or more, kids at a time. Usually they are the ones who sit having a cup of tea and chatting, whilst their 'children' are sat on the floor crying. The other day I noticed a little boy, about a year old, on the floor sobbing whilst his carer was helping to clear the things away, she never gave him a moments notice, so I picked him up and cuddled him for a while, it was a good ten minutes before she even noticed I had him. So that's my whole experience of childminders.

Nurseries - a work colleague of mine used to send her baby to a nursery and would complain that the staff were only about 18, children themselves. A few times her child had bruises on her that they hadn't even noticed. My dh's sister-in-law has also sent her children to various child-minders, nurseries, the child-minders told her not to bring her youngest back as she would not stop crying (6 months old). The poor child was shipped from nursery to nursery until she settled. Also she had problems with her son in nursery as they pressurised her to have her son potty-trained at the age of 2. Potty training cannot be rushed and no should pressurise children, yet nurseries are guilty of this.

So based on the above experiences I decided that the best place for dd was at home with me. At least I knew how much tv she watched, what she really ate and how much, what activities she did. No-one is going to look after your child better than you.

I do not say that mothers should work. I understand why some of them have to, my sister for one, although she is lucky to have her dh's family to look after her children, and I understand why some of them want to. But we have to accept it is not for everyone and we are all entitled to our views. Working mums may think that SAHM's have an easy time of it, SAHM's may think that working mums are selfish. No-one is wrong or right. But we all love our children equally and do what we believe is right for them, which is all that counts.

Now feel free to shout me down for my SAHM attitude!

Robinw, I agree. Particularly the last paragraph. As for your last sentence, if that was aimed at me, I wasn't suggesting that was the only way of doing things. Just that it was possible if that's what you wanted to do

Sorry, that should be 'I do not say that mothers should NOT work'!

I dont really find working during the week is bad. I would never feel good myself about doing it fulltime. Ive worked in too many daycares feeling so sorry for kids stuck there all hours of the day. It was hard on them (mostly the ones under age 3) they just couldnt comprehend time. Its like a lifetime to them. I personally think theres no place like home for a child, allthough we may not feel that way. Who wouldnt want to be with mommy or daddy over childcare workers. I have been a sahm mom for the past two years and its had its ups and downs. I love being with my ds but I mainly am doing it until my last child is in school fulltime. To me as an indivdual mom this is how I feel I can give them a good start in life. Then I will go parttime and be here when they get home teenagers and all. We have enough latchkey kids having problems and getting in trouble because there are no parents around. Not that all kids get in trouble but its just safer to have at least one parent there after school. I dont always feel like being home and sometimes get the urge to get out and to do something but I would rather just sacrifise and have my child at home with me for the first years till school. Then I will go out and fullfill my own dreams when their a little older. But like I said I dont feel its wrong to work outside the home as long as daycares dont become the homes. Which for many children I have seen this. Just as an example I had one parent bring their child in on a regular basis with no diaper change from the night before, no breakfast and still in their pajamas. To me that is so sad. It was so hard to keep my mouth shut but I knew if I said something I would not have a job.

Rhubarb...

No-one is going to look after your child better than you.

Too right.

Rhubarb...

No-one is going to look after your child better than you.

Too right.

Rhubarb - I completley agree with what you experienced and have heard about daycares. Ive worked in so many and had to put up with all kids of stuff I hated. Only a handful of true daycares are doing things the way they should be done. I have worked in 7 daycare in the past 15 years (dont keep workers well because of low wages) and out of all 7 they all were doing things that should not be going on. I dont want to make anyone worry but the facts are that most, not all, look good on the outside to the parents which is normal (and even to potential workers like me) but things do go on that any parent would not agree on. You just dont know of them. This is why I rather keep mine home too for a while Rhubarb.

ThreeAngels - my eldest sister was the same (different one to the one I mentioned earlier). Even though she didn't work, she would put her kids into nursery from 8 to 6 three days a week. In fact the nursery told her to pick her kids up earlier as they were the last ones to go and got a bit tearful. I guess after all these bad experiences I am really biased against nurseries and child-minders but I understand that working mums don't have much of a choice.

I totally agree that some moms do have to work. I had no choice when my dh and I seperated for a year about 12 years ago. Its so sad that all moms dont have the opportunity to stay home if they would like.

I think we may be having different conversations here about British nurseries and American daycare centres. I think it is more strictly regulated in Britain and until age 2 there are always three members of staff to one child. They are also monitored to make sure they are providing suitable activities and stimulation for children. I feel I did have a choice in working as I didn't go back for financial reasons. I was able to look round quite a few nurseries before chosing and was able to get personal recommendations from mothers whose children had been through the nursery my dd is attending.

Sorry it's late! That should have been three children to one member of staff.

Our laws in each state are different but in most centers Ive been in it was 4-1 infants, 6-1 1yr olds and I cant remember the ratio for 2 year olds. I know its more.

Even though I live in America I will say that alot of Americas daycares should be closed rather then opened. They are supposed to be strict in a lot of areas but their just not. At least until the health department comes around to do there inspections. Oh the stories I could tell, we would be hear all night or day which ever the time is there.

Come to my neck of the woods. The nurseries here are wonderful and the kids love it

Mears you win the prize for making a serious point in an amusing manner

Lilly, stop feeling guilty and enjoy doing what you love the most - being at home with your dd.

I am stunned at the response from everyone and was unaware how sticky the subject could be. My daughter and I are together 24/7 and spend many hours in lots of lovely local parks and swimming and visiting friends with children. However people constantly ask me when I am returning to work as I am degree educated and had a fairly decent job...it was as if I was abnormal for staying at home. It really bothers me. I am concerned that in nursery she would be ignored and would miss one to one care from me...images of her sobbing and being ignored happen at the mention of nursery!

Thanks for all your comments..I appreciate your opinions. My choice will remain the same for the time being..to stay at home..I just hope that in the same way that I do not ask working Mums when they will return home..they will stop asking me when I will return to work and scoff at my answer. They insinuate that my daughter is being deprived of a much better time in nursery because she stays with me.

I like the suggestion of following my heart...that is what I will continue to do...whilst on a yacht, in the carribean, swinging in a hamoc, having my daughter learning to peel me grapes and my partner massaging my feet!!!

Lilly I wish.....

Aloha - sorry about the tone of my message - obviously I'm another one being defensive. Its just that I found nursery to be great for DS at that age when he couldn't crawl but could stand for hours. I totally understand your feelings and guess I was lucky because I needed to work.

I'm with Jasper. DS was kicking his legs with excitement and trying to escape from my arms when we returned to nursery after a week off. Surely if he wants to go that much it can't be that bad? OK he occasionally comes home with a bite but the accident book is always filled in. And he's been bitten on playdates at home. But I also treasure our two week days at home and feel very lucky that I have an arrangement that suits our family.