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Original poster

Getting married....unromantically........

49 replies

Angeliz · 23/09/2004 23:06

Hello me again.
So here's the thing.
We have dd aged 3 and another on the way , dp is a bit older than me and also travels every week as he works away, (by plane-train).
We are engaged but i'm in no rush to get married as i see more important things in life at the moment, (BUT i would like the same surname as dd ).
DP just called and said he's had a meeting with financial advisor who said we should get married, (just to get the legal document), to avoid disastrous outcomes should anything happen to dp. (Inheritance tax....)
I said it wasn't how i ever imagined i'd get married {obviously} and we left it at that so.......would you ??
Am just curious now!

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KateandtheGirls · 23/09/2004 23:09

I'm not quite sure I understand. You're enganged, so that implies that you're planning to get married. Is your concern that if you get married soon you won't have a long time to prepare and create the perfect wedding?

Original poster
Angeliz · 23/09/2004 23:11

We are engaged and plan to get married some time in the future, all his family live away so would take a little oranising.
I don't want fairy tale or anything big but i'm not in a rush! I'd rather do it when we are ready.
The advice he was given though is, do it now, just for the legal document and then do it properly later. (But to me if you do it, it's done!)

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marthamoo · 23/09/2004 23:12

We got married very unromantically. We had been together for 6 years, had a house, mortgage etc., and - most significantly - ds1, who was 6 months old. It was just understood that we would get married - there was none of that down on one knee, engagement rings malarkey. I can't remember how the actual setting a date came about but when we did get married it was in the local register office one Saturday morning, close family only (9 guests plus ds1) then back to my Mum and Dad's house for a buffet. No honeymoon, and dh was back at work on the Monday.

I wanted to have the same surname as ds1, and we wanted to be married for legal reasons but, really, we felt married in every way already and neither of us felt the need for a big hearts and flowers do.

Don't settle for unromantic if it isn't what you want though!

jampot · 23/09/2004 23:14

dh and I got married because my sister offered to have our kids so we could go see the priest!!! not entirely sure why..... we booked at the end of January and got married 8 weeks later....

Go for it...

Shimmy21 · 23/09/2004 23:14

i had a fantastic time at my unromantic wedding so don't count it out (sorry we and our not I and my!). Would it help you if you said to your dp that you'd love to marry him but as it's the only time in your lives that you'll be doing it, could he play along with the romantic fantasy? Spell out to him that he takes you to a lovely place, gets down on one knee etc etc Sometimes blokes need to be helped to be romantic!

KateandtheGirls · 23/09/2004 23:15

Well I agree that if you get married, you're married. You could still have a big party/celebration at a later point with all the family. It wouldn't be a "real" wedding, just a celebration of your wedding. Would that be an option?

My opinion is that it would be a good idea for you to get married, sooner rather than later, especially as you're not against the idea per se.

My dad and stepmum (who were both divorced already and against the whole institution of marriage) finally got married (without a big fuss), after being together about 10 years for similar reasons.

hoxtonchick · 23/09/2004 23:16

I think we will probably do an unromantic registry office dash at some point, for tax reasons, but neither of us are any kind of rush. Though dp has promised that if he gets to the world poker championships (???!) in Las Vegas we will get married at one of those drive through chapels. I will insist on an Elvis theme.

Sorry Angeliz, I'm just rambling now. How about a low key wedding & a big party a bit later?

Original poster
Angeliz · 23/09/2004 23:16

Thanks everyone, food for thought.
I'll sleep on it, (Shimmy, he is the romantic one anyway, i'm more practical ).

Hope to get everyone's stories about theirs tomorrow.

Night all
+++++++++

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Original poster
Angeliz · 23/09/2004 23:17

I've always said, "Oh we'll do a weekend in Vegas"

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jampot · 23/09/2004 23:18

btw our kids were 5 and 18mo!!

I absolutely hated the idea of walking down an aisle but didn't want to get married in a Register Office so the priest (Father Ted) offered us the small chapel at the back of the church - absolutely perfect. It was a dead cool wedding

JoolsToo · 23/09/2004 23:51

Well - you've got the man, the house, the kid(s) so its not ever going to be the big romantic thing anyway is it? Not the natural order, if you know what I mean. If you love each other (and theres nothing here to indicate that you don't) - do it and long may it last - be truthful, he isn't going to marry you for financial reason is he - its because he wants to - that's probably just the impetus.

Me and dh got married, on a shoestring, in the Registry Office when I was pregnant with dd and THAT was 32 years ago! Don't need to tell you there are plenty of others who have had the whole pazazz including kitchen sink and it doesn't last - so what does it all really mean? Love's what binds you not top hats and lace!

Tinker · 24/09/2004 00:05

I think unromantic is quite romantic really.

gothicmama · 24/09/2004 08:04

We got married when I wa pregnant spo we all had same name but we had felt married for 7 years before hand but the piece of paper makes things easier legally so we did it - if you feel marrid and are commited to each other tan why not it is after all only one day but the benefits for us outweighr=ed not doing it

Twiglett · 24/09/2004 08:36

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cab · 24/09/2004 08:44

Unromantic is best. After being engaged for a few years we just decided one day to do it and get it over with - in a month's time. It was great cos didn't have time to wind myself up. Had a wonderful do outside at home, went down to the local hotel in an old tractor thing. The hotel did us proud (£10 a head) but spent a lot on a decent ceilidh band. Go for it, it's much more relaxing and fewer expectations. Was pretty romantic too! Just remember everyone smiling non stop.

mumbojumbo · 24/09/2004 08:47

We got married earlier this year after being together for years. We have 2 children under 3 and it was something that I felt was important for us, as well as necessary now we had children (legal, financial, same name etc etc) - not really from a romantic view.

We had a smallish register office ceremony followed by a reception in a local hall which we organised ourselves. I wore a linen suit which I can wear again (if the occasion arises!). It was a lovely day and very special to us.

It was right for us. Angeliz, a wedding is a very personal thing and you should go for what you want in terms of a "do".

Hope this helps anyway.

expatkat · 24/09/2004 09:33

My own wedding and engagement were v. unromantic (to me), even though they happened in the conventional-ish ways i.e. before the kids etc & even though the wedding was big & festive and ostensibly all a wedding is "supposed" to be. I've since concluded that the how-it-is-done stuff is unimportant. What's left after the marital accoutrements are removed is the couple, so in a way it doesn't matter how you're wedded. As you say, you're already married in a sense, and IMO there's sanctity and romance in your partnership that is inbuilt. Get the piece of paper for tax reasons, but maybe don't look at it as a great marker in your life. That's what I would be inclined to do, i.e. I'd try to change the way I view what a wedding signifies and jump into it as a practical move.

Blu · 24/09/2004 09:44

Angeliz - afaik, you can sort out inheritance tax by other means: make transfer ownership of your house so that you are tennants in comon rather than joint tenneats, then you can each leave the full whack of tax-free estate. Also other means of trasferring assets to your children in advance.

Marina · 24/09/2004 09:53

Tinker's right, in a "Green Card" sort of way . Could your dp be a bit shy about doing the hearts and flowers thingy so he has dressed the idea up as a manly pragmatic financial solution?

Original poster
Angeliz · 24/09/2004 10:31

Thanks everyone.
I'm finding all these comments fascinating.
DP is FULL of hearts and flowers, he's wanted to marry me for ages, it's me who's putting it off.
I just think kids are a much bigger commitment than marriage and with another on the way, we don't need proof that we're serious about each other.
Saying that, i always thought if i did get married it would be forever and would have to be 100% RIGHT. I never thought it would be for practical reasons.
Mind you, i am starting to HATE family affairs (extended family), anyway as i just see all the underlying feuds festering and wait for the explosions!!!

As you can see, am VERY confused still!

Will go out with dd and hope to come back to more advice.

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poppyh · 24/09/2004 10:37

Got married in August.Have 10 yr old DS and 18 mth old DD.
Booked Register office and then everyone came back to our house.We had pimms in the garden with closest friends and family.
I wore a 1920s style dress and DH wore pale blue suit.We had a lovely relaxed day.
Our parents bought us a weekend in New York,it was fab!
Wouldnt have changed it for the world.
But then thats me, dont like formal weddings much!!

fio2 · 24/09/2004 10:40

angeliz you can organise a nice quick wedding with romance relatively cheaply, dont give up!

crunchie · 24/09/2004 10:55

Well you've always said you'll run off to Vegas, well why don't you!!

crunchie · 24/09/2004 10:58

I think that could solve everything. You could get married now, and have a laugh at the same time - take dd to be bridemaid - she'll love it in years to come. That way you get teh legal stuff done, but it makes sense to have a big planned party later, once baby 2 has arrived and you can have time planning it. This way it wouldn't look strange to be married well before the party.

Bagpuss30 · 24/09/2004 11:00

Go for it Angeliz. We got married 8 years ago and the whole thing was organised in 3 months and we had the ceremony and reception in the same hotel, 30 guests and a jazz band to entertain them. Much easier (and chesper) than a bigger do would have been and still romantic .