Teasing child because of our choice of school

[Mumteefour]

My children go to a local private schoool.

It shouldn’t really matter why etc but I’ll tell you anyway - we couldn’t afford the fees but a relative offered to pay and we decided it was a gift to them that we couldn’t turn down and we accepted. You don’t need to know more than that. It’s not important here.

The point of the post is, that recently we have experienced other adults teasing and mimicking my children.

One person openly mimicked my daughter’s accent, repeatedly, to her face, laughing at her.
I don’t think she sounds ‘posh’ at all but yes she does speak quite nicely. She’s 12 years old. This adult repeatedly copied her accent, laughed at her and said things like “oh listen to you”, “oh jolly hockey sticks” and so on.

I could see my daughter becoming very uncomfortable and I should have said something but I’m afraid I didn’t. I didn’t really know what to say or how to say it without the situation becoming embarrassing and so I ignored it.

I wish I hadn’t which is the reason for this thread. What would you say if someone mimicked and teased your child in this way?

My other child recently spent time with the parents of his friend and they repeatedly called him posh in various ways. For example he wore a Ralph Lauren jumper, which was actually given to us by a friend, so was a hand me down, but the parents commented “oh you really are posh aren’t you”. They walked past a shop with the word Posh in it and said to my son “oh look it’s your shop” etc. There were many other little examples like this. Again, I’m annoyed with myself but I said nothing.

All harmless enough but also just not really very pleasant for them and all a bit unnecessary.

My children have always been questioned on where they go to school by other children, all the time, when they meet other children at out of school activities etc. Questions like “oh are you really rich, do you have a swimming pool” and “why do you pay to go to go to school” etc etc. But being on the receiving end from adults is a new thing.

Of course I’ve told them to smile politely and rise above it and that they will clearly have to get used to this sort of ribbing. But what a shame they have to. Why do adults think it’s ok to tease kids in this way, and in front of their own kids too and what are they saying to their children behind closed doors for some of the questions to come out of their kids mouths?

No advice but I can only assume they're jealous.

Those people sound like arseholes! Do you actually need to be around these people?

Just tell these people to piss off.

My daughter goes to a (state) school in London which draws from some very middle-class areas. My daughter "speaks well", with very little of the local accent. She is doing extremely well at this school. If this school (or any of the very good state schools in my area) didn't exist and a relative wanted to pay for her to go to private school, of course I would accept without a thought. Our family doesn't take the Michael out of her accent because that would be cruel.

I agree, adults should keep those thoughts to themselves. Children say those things because they learn from the adults around them. Jealousy? Snobbery? It's none of their business anyway.

Yes sadly I think I have to agree re the jealousy thing, but gosh isn’t that so sad and so awful that it rears it’s head by teasing the children! :-(

And yes I’m afraid the people in question do sound rather awful but I assure you l, that apart from these incidences, or up until them, they have been perfectly lovely. Kind, fun, supportive in other ways. I’m just flummoxed that they have behaved this way and not sure what to do.

I think what I’d like to do is give them another chance but be brave and step in and speak up if I hear it happen again.

But what would I actually say? I wouldn’t want a huge scene if anything. Just a quiet ‘please don’t tease them, they are just chikdren’ ?

Why? Jealousy.

These people sound awful.
Maybe say ‘why do you feel the need to tease my daughter like that? Does it give you pleasure to make her feel uncomfortable?’

Thanks for your comments so far.
I was terrified, due to my recent experience, that I would be shouted down and told to live with it etc! Sorry that I thought that, I feel a bit ashamed!

As tempting as it is to tell them to ‘pee off’ I really want to give them another chance and perhaps just make them realise what they are doing is not nice, perhaps even a little cruel and see where we go from there. I’m sure they didn’t set out to be nasty.

It’s insecurity and resentment on the adults part.
My nephew went to a private school because my dsis ex paid for it. My DD goes to state school. We’ve never made a big deal about the difference.
They’re just schools at the end of the day and the kids don’t get to choose where they go.

P.s. I went to a grammar school and everyone in my extended family used to take piss out of how I spoke. It’s crap and I’m not close to my extended family at all now.

“Please will you stop teasing the children- it’s unkind and unnecessary”
But bear in mind that some people do interact by teasing, so they may not be meaning to be unkind. If they stop when asked, then all’s well. If they don’t and your children are upset by it, then time for stronger measures.

How posh are you?

Would you be brave enough to do what my doesn't-give-a-shit SIL came out with?

"You're right she's posh. Good job really otherwise she'd have told you to fuck off for being a twat. Which I would personally applaud her for. Would you like a cup of tea?"

I don't think I could carry it off but my SIL can and bloody hell, it was funny 😂

These are people you've known for a while? And they've never said things like that before?

Anyway, I'd query what they're on about - "What are you talking about?" "Sorry, what do you mean?" etc, with a baffled look on your face.
Maybe try the MN line "Did you mean to sound rude?"

It’s strange what some people think is acceptable. One of my sons is autistic and never in a million dreams would ANYone ever mimic him.
My children are friends with children outside of their school and I can’t imagine they are teased by adults for their accents.

But I do know a girl who is particularly short in stature and I’m amazed at how many adults think it’s acceptable to pass comment on it, as if she didn’t know. Why do adults do that?!!!!!

If they're people that you'll see regularly then I'd go down the quiet word in ear approach. 'Jane, there's something I've been meaning to raise with you. When you were here last you started teasing Hannah about her accent, presumably trying to imply it had changed since she started St Private's. We've actually had quite a lot of people reacting to her in a similar way, some comments have gone beyond teasing and into outright bullying. She, and I are devastated that adults we have known as friends for so long can be so cruel to a child. I assume you didn't mean your comments to be nasty, but unless you can apologise and assure us you won't tease or bully her again I'm afraid we'll have to reconsider meeting up. My child's mental health is far more important than maintaining our friendship I'm afraid.'

It doesn't make it OK- but please don’t think it’s only posh kids who get teased for their accents.Still shit, of course.

Oh my god, roaring @MilkTwoSugarsThanks ! I’d love to be that brave! I’m not posh at all but not sure my balls are that big! What a great line. I’ll certsinly store it in the mindbank and see if I dare one day!

GrandmaSteglitszch - I’ve known one for 9 years and the others for 6 and no, never have I come across such comments from them before.
My children have all commented on it, especially as the last incidence happened only a month after the last.
I love the “did you mean to sound rude” line. I just don’t know that I could say it! To a stranger, yes, but to people I know quite well in a social setting, I’m not so sure! Great, great line though! :-)

That’s true BertrandRussell. I just haven’t come across it but you’re right of course.

Oh @titchy thank you. Yes I think perhaps that’s my route. I’m not sure I could bring myself to ask them to apologise to my children but I think I could probably just about manage the rest.

If you feel uncomfortable having the conversation face to face, send a text, keep it brief but firm. Something like, DC have brought up the time when you teased them about their school, and they really didn't like it. Please don't do it again, after all, we are still the same people you have known for xx years, we haven't changed!

Oh hiding behind a text makes me feel a lot more comfortable!

Thanks for listening and supporting. So glad I shared this now x

Why do people do this? Because they're arseholes, pure and simple. If you really have to see them then I'd challenge them on it, because bullies get away with this shit as a result of no one saying anything. Most people are too shocked to react in the moment, but you can still bring this up with them and if you want to maintain the friendship then I would. How would they like it if you picked up something in the way their DC speaks? Took the piss out their local accent or grammar? I'm willing to bet they'd think that was mean and unnecessary, so why is what they're doing any different? The alternative is to stop seeing them. This is bullying, in the same way that taking the piss out of someone for their appearance is bullying.

The easiest way to shut them down when they say ‘cor, you’re posh!’ Is for the kids to just reply”Yes. Yes I am.” in a very self assured way and then turn and walk away (back to you if necessary). There’s no answer to that.

My son gets teased. We are in the north east. It’s because they assume we have money and they’ve been brought up to hate people who have money. You even see it on here. If someone posts a problem and they are deemed to be ‘wealthy’ they will get mocked and ridiculed. It’s pathetic. If it was the other way about, there’d be an outcry

“If it was the other way about, there’d be an outcry”

You just try having a not-posh accent among posh people. It very much goes both ways.

@Mumteefour you need to find your confidence or start to get angry. It’s you and your husband’s job to protect your children from this. Stand up to the horrible adults but also teach your children how to defend themselves and have the confidence to correct others. Yes, this includes them correcting adults.