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Original poster

What do you when other kids are mean to your children?

44 replies

fabarooney · 12/09/2004 20:56

Went to a birthday party this afternoon for my godson who was one today. Like most first birthday parties, the adults and older kids hugely outnumbered the little ones. My dds (2.5 and 4.5) were the youngest children there apart from the birthday boy. Four or five of the older children (7 - 12 years) began to pick on dd1, nothing physical, just verbal, but pretty nasty. They also took her dolly away and hid it to make her cry. Dd1 is pretty easy-going and it takes a lot for her to get upset, but she couldn't understand why they were being so nasty to her. She just wanted to play with someone.

They knew they were upsetting her and it just seemed to encourage them. They only stopped after I went up to her in front of these little brats and asked who was upsetting her. At this point, I heard the ringleader whisper to the others that they'd better stop being mean to her because her mummy was watching. This only goes to prove to me that they knew this behaviour was unacceptable and that it wouldn't be a good idea to get caught at it.

I kept watching dd1 and these vile children like a hawk, dishing out the evil eye to these kids to let them know that I was watching and it seemed to stop them. They started being massively over enthusiastic about her etc. Manipulative little sods.

I didn't do anything else because I didn't want to upset my friend who was holding the party because it was such a special day for her, and because I am reluctant to act the disciplinarian to other people's kids. But I am still absolutely furious about the behaviour of these children.

I don't think that it should be up to me to make sure that other people's children don't bully and pick on my child. Should I have said something to the parents of the children or would this just have spoilt the party? DH came a bit late to the party as he had to work and he is a bit more no-nonsense about this sort of thing. I told him all about it and he also kept an eye out. One of the worst little brats (aged 8) pushed dd2 (2.5) over deliberately, thinking he couldn't be seen because they were outside. (The parents of these children were too busy drinking and gossiping to keep an eye on their children.) He was really taken aback when dh went marching up to him and told him that he had seen exactly what he had done, that it was completely out of order and that he was going to tell his parents which he duly did. I worry that this was over the top, whilst secretly wishing that I had done the same thing. I suppose the point of this ramble is to ask what you would have done in this situation? What do you do when you see other people's children being nasty to your own?

OP posts:

hercules · 12/09/2004 20:58

What your dh did.

collision · 12/09/2004 21:00

Your DH was completely right and I would have done exactly the same thing. I have no prob in telling other peoples children off if they are naughty and would be fine about someone telling my ds off too.

Slinky · 12/09/2004 21:02

I would have done exactly the same as your DH.

As an aside, I'm gobsmacked at the behaviour of these older kids (my older 2 are almost 7 and 9) and they absolutely wouldn't dream of behaving in such a manner!!

In fact my 9yo likes to "mummy" the younger ones and many of my friends with toddlers love DD1 coming along because they know she'll keep them entertained and make a fuss of them.

JanH · 12/09/2004 21:05

fabarooney, I think both you and your DH were absolutely right to do what you did - IME dads are generally better than mums at laying down the law! I hate it when bigger kids pick on littler kids like that, just because they can.

Just out of interest, what was the reaction of the parents of the 8-yr-old brat when your DH complained?

IlanaK · 12/09/2004 21:05

I have a 3 year old boy who is particularly sensitive but loves to play with older children at the park/playground. I keep a very close eye on him and have no hesitation at all in telling off other children if they are unkind to him.

You have to think of it this way - what is more important: the happiness of your child and their feeling secure that you will stick up for them, or what other people may think of you?

lavender1 · 12/09/2004 21:09

fabarooney...sorry to hear that your little one is being picked on as it's not nice..I think you're right to tell your dh and what he did WAS NOT out of order...it sounds to me like the parents just leave him to his own at parties and stuff, otherwise why weren't they intervening??

you know a boy at my son's school was nasty to my son 9 and he came home in tears because this boy had tried to let his tyres down and pulled his t-shirt and pushed him to the ground...my dh was off that day and was livid...went straight over to the boy, put his face extremely close to his and really laid into him (he is the school bully btw)...if ever you feel that your child is being unduly treated you have every right to chastise the child in question, to mention it the parents (if she's a friend she should be able to take a little criticism and honesty about the behaviour of her son) and to ensure they don't do it again...BECAUSE if the tables were turned she would like the same from you surely...hope you can talk about it with her soon!

coppertop · 12/09/2004 21:12

I find that the unexpected appearance of an adult often gives such children a big shock. When ds1 was 2yrs old we took him to his older cousin's party. He looked a lot older and a small group of 7 & 8yr-old boys were being generally nasty. Just as I got up close I heard one boy say "He doesn't even understand English!" He almost wet himself when I said loudly from right behind him "No, but I do!" They disappeared pretty quickly and that was the end of it.

Soft play centres are the worst for this IME. One particularly horrible little boy (again about 8yrs old) kept threatening ds1. Ds1 himself was completely oblivious to it but IMO that didn't excuse the behaviour. I walked up to ds1 and the boy and said "Don't worry, ds1. I'm watching very closely!" while giving the boy a death-stare. The boy decided to try his luck later and hit ds1, not knowing that ds1 feels no pain. Ds1 hit the boy back and the boy burst into tears. He must have known he'd done wrong because he didn't tell his mother (busy gossiping elsewhere) what had happened. I'm not condoning violence but I have no sympathy for an 8yr-old who punches a 3yr-old.

Twiglett · 12/09/2004 21:12

message withdrawn

Original poster

fabarooney · 12/09/2004 21:12

JanH, the dad went outside to bollock the child but I think that was more for dh's benefit.

I guess I just wondered what was the best way, to try and nip it in the bud by making it clear that they are being monitored but not making a scene and spoiling another child's birthday party, or by going straight in and bollocking them. Does the verbal stuff warant a different tactic to the physical? Just trying to think what I'd prefer if it were my child being a little B, although I hope that I have instilled a bit more kindness and consideration into my girls.

OP posts:

hercules · 12/09/2004 21:18

Agree with Twiglett about wanting the parent top say something to my child although not as aggressively as yours did lav.

lavender1 · 12/09/2004 21:24

hercules...if you knew the boy you wouldn't think it was aggressive (he has had his hands around many youngsters throats (including my own dd) and he is just running riot...but thanks for your honesty!

hercules · 12/09/2004 21:29

Tbh lav my dh may well have done the same as your dh.

JanH · 12/09/2004 21:44

Hm - have a question of my own now.

DS2 is 11. During the summer he and a friend were minding their own business in a local park when a gang of 6 or so lads had a go at them - some were the same age, some a bit older apparently. Both DS2 and friend got thumped. They didn't know the boys concerned. We reported it to the police but took it no further (having no IDs).

DS2 and friend are now at different schools and it turns out that the ringleader (who is the smallest of the gang) is at the same school as friend, so now we have a name. Today DS2 was walking alone through a different park and the same gang was there; the small ringleader and another boy took off after him and hit him again. I am inclined to contact the school, give them the name and threaten to tell the police the name if it happens again. (DS2 is dead soft and can't stand up for himself physically I don't think.)

Would reporting it to school make things worse?

coppertop · 12/09/2004 21:46

I would report it to the school with the proviso that if nothing is done then you will be informing the police.

lavender1 · 12/09/2004 21:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

DrWho · 12/09/2004 21:53

Poor ds2, Janh. V angry on his behalf. Have you asked him what he thinks about you ringing this kid's school, or if he has ideas generally about what , if anything, you could do? I think kids tend to have quite a good handle on which situations need parental intervention an which situations to avoid it like the plague. Hope you or ds2 find a way to stop this wee git.

coppertop · 12/09/2004 21:54

Just thought. If it happened outside of school would the school be able to do anythig anyway? Might be best to go back to the police with the name. If nothing else it will at least be on file.

ScummyMummy · 12/09/2004 21:55

oops! Forgot that my job as Dr Who is done now that Davros has stopped posting the gurning guff that she has labelled poetry.

hercules · 12/09/2004 22:00

It's nothing to do with the school and they are not allowed to do anything if it happens outside the school gates. It is worthwhile telling them though so they can monitor it in school eg no classes together etc.

JanH · 12/09/2004 22:05

Oh scummy, Dr Who was you? Had no idea! (Honestly!)

DS2 is a bit reluctant to involve school - "will he know it was me?" - but said telling the head was probably all right. I suggested that if he encounters them again he should try hitting them first and he said OK, but sounded hesitant - soft, as I said!

CT, we had a bullying problem with primary school years ago, it happened outside school but the Head dealt with it and I think sec. school is the same - it doesn't have to happen on the premises or even in uniform. If the school knows about it they are more than happy to deal with it IME. (In fact when DS2 was only 4 a boy aged over 11 from yet another sec. school said nasty things to him, I rang the head and it was dealt with and never happened again.)

hercules · 12/09/2004 22:07

In my school we cant get involved. We are not allowed.

JanH · 12/09/2004 22:08

Really, herc?

ScummyMummy · 12/09/2004 22:10

Has ds2 tried screaming, really SCREAMING, at the top of his voice when he's in this lot's clutches? V hard to do but v effective- takes bullies aback and gets them scarpering more often than you'd think. Could be amusing and make him feel better for you and family to practice this with him? Or is there any chance of ds1 and a few mates putting on a menacing big brother act?

hercules · 12/09/2004 22:12

It is dodgy ground because the parents of the bullies can make a legitimate complaint and tell us to sod off as it is none of our business. We like to know about it though so at least staff can be aware in school.
I would report to the police anything outside of school within reason of course.

roisin · 12/09/2004 22:15

Janh - I'm really sorry to hear your ds2 is going through this. I have no idea what the best way forward is though; hope you get it sorted out.

I don't know about the 'rules' Hercules is quoting, but I do know our Head is more than willing to talk to children about out-of-school incidents of various kinds, both individually and in assemblies. I know that's a primary school though.

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