What do you when other kids are mean to your children?

[fabarooney]

Went to a birthday party this afternoon for my godson who was one today. Like most first birthday parties, the adults and older kids hugely outnumbered the little ones. My dds (2.5 and 4.5) were the youngest children there apart from the birthday boy. Four or five of the older children (7 - 12 years) began to pick on dd1, nothing physical, just verbal, but pretty nasty. They also took her dolly away and hid it to make her cry. Dd1 is pretty easy-going and it takes a lot for her to get upset, but she couldn't understand why they were being so nasty to her. She just wanted to play with someone.

They knew they were upsetting her and it just seemed to encourage them. They only stopped after I went up to her in front of these little brats and asked who was upsetting her. At this point, I heard the ringleader whisper to the others that they'd better stop being mean to her because her mummy was watching. This only goes to prove to me that they knew this behaviour was unacceptable and that it wouldn't be a good idea to get caught at it.

I kept watching dd1 and these vile children like a hawk, dishing out the evil eye to these kids to let them know that I was watching and it seemed to stop them. They started being massively over enthusiastic about her etc. Manipulative little sods.

I didn't do anything else because I didn't want to upset my friend who was holding the party because it was such a special day for her, and because I am reluctant to act the disciplinarian to other people's kids. But I am still absolutely furious about the behaviour of these children.

I don't think that it should be up to me to make sure that other people's children don't bully and pick on my child. Should I have said something to the parents of the children or would this just have spoilt the party? DH came a bit late to the party as he had to work and he is a bit more no-nonsense about this sort of thing. I told him all about it and he also kept an eye out. One of the worst little brats (aged 8) pushed dd2 (2.5) over deliberately, thinking he couldn't be seen because they were outside. (The parents of these children were too busy drinking and gossiping to keep an eye on their children.) He was really taken aback when dh went marching up to him and told him that he had seen exactly what he had done, that it was completely out of order and that he was going to tell his parents which he duly did. I worry that this was over the top, whilst secretly wishing that I had done the same thing. I suppose the point of this ramble is to ask what you would have done in this situation? What do you do when you see other people's children being nasty to your own?

I would have done the same as your dh.

janh i would contact the police if you now have a name. i wouldn't hesitate - 10's tha age limit now isn't it. maybe their parents ought to get a shock.

i have only this very evening been talking to my daughter about this. she is getting new hearing aids at the end of the week and is very anxious about it. her anxieties stem froma small group of boys who have taken to calling her names whilst queing up for lunch etc. names like tranny and boy ( she has short curly hair) as we were speaking tonight i her homework diary is the anti - bullying policy and i read it too her - all very very good advice - and its a super school it really is. she must go to n adult and not retaliate if she is called names. the school will go as far as expulsion and are " happy to have to involvement of the police"

i told her she must use this route. if this fails then the very last last option my eldest son 14 will get their older brother outside school and kick his arse.

she is happy with this. i am actually petrified of my baby going to senior school with hearing aids kids are so cruel

custardo, I'm really sorry to hear your daughter is getting this - it's bad enough with a child who in theory can stick up for himself, worse for one with a physical problem like hearing. Is she still in Y6 and at primary?

Hope your DS1 doesn't have to wade in but if he does then at least he's there for her. Why do kids have to be so horrible?

.... this just makes me think, the other day we were in the park and DS was playing in a sort of climbing frame, there were older children around and this 12 yrs old bastard playing with an air gun, and as my child (19m old) took a look through one of the windows one of the pellets passed just by the side of his head, I was livid and started to stare at the boy, but dare not to say anything as there were no other mums in the park and I was afraid he would retaliate with more pellets. Once in the past, a group of kids threw stones to us (DS was about 3m then) when DH told them off the attack intensified, the police came but... they were underage and they just let them go, after that I don't feel any confidence in telling off any child, I'm just too scared!

However, I wouldn't mind to do it if I were in a safe environment like a in a party.

gosh chandra thats really really awful.

agree janh kids are the cruelest creatures i know! hope your son and his friend feel happier soon

Jan H, I have a lot of experience about this honestly. Yes you can notify the school to avert any potential trouble in the school, but they can't take any form of disciplinary action in respect of any incident which occurs outside of the school. You can definitely report it to police with the name and it MUST be investigated as an assault. If DS2 was thumped and the result was general reddening or of any other minor nature, regardless of how much he was hurt, distressed and upset, this si a common assault. The culprit, as long as he is over 10yrs can be arrested. The schools normally facilitate this in some way. It can be dealt with in one of several ways. Ther is usually a Police schools liaison officer who can formally warn him. This won't give this boy a criminal record but acts as the "flea in the ear". maybe being spoken to by a police officer in the presence of his parents will be enough. If, and I don't know all the circumstances or the criminal background of this boy, this ever went to juvenile court, your DS would have to tell the officers on video tape what happened, sort of giving a verbal statement but on camera. It would be in a comfy room and it would just be like talking to a police officer in a sort of living room like environment. The cameras are tucked in the ceiling, it's not offputting. However, it sounds as like, unless he's a thoroughly bad lad who's had lots of imput from the police at an early age, it would be a question of the formal warning. Like I said, there's no criminal record as such, but his chances are being eaten away. If he'd had a formal warning before and the police wanted to issue him with a caution, your DS would still have to do the statement on video but please don't worry, it doesn't go anywhere, he doesn't go to court, no one see it, that's the end of the matter. The police have to have it to prove that it was capable of proof SHOULD it go to court. The thug would have to admit hitting your DS for a caution though. Specially trained officers are employed to talk to your son. If thy're any good at their jobs, the interviewing officer, (in plain clothes) should betalking to them about football etc and then the conversation should just slip naturally into what happened. It's a "chat" not a grilling!. Hope this is of some use.

Dh keeps telling me that I will have to get used to the idea that some other kid is going to be horrible to ours at some stage. I just hate it, though! Can't believe some of the posts on here - what is going on in the homes of these kids that make them think this behaviour is OK? It's v. depressing, really.

I would have gone along the humilating the 8 yr old path by telling him what an cowardly thing it is to push over a little girl infr ont of all his mates and then told his parents.

DH would have had him by the scruff of the neck and marched him over to his father and not moved until discipline wash handed out.

If my kids had done that I would have marched them straight home no questions asked and grounded them.
Nasty little blighters.

Your DH did exactly the right thing iMO, sod the fact that it's a party and a special day and the parents are trying to have a drink. Bullying little kids must nipped in the bud, no excuses

I would have gone along the humilating the 8 yr old path by telling him what an cowardly thing it is to push over a little girl infr ont of all his mates and then told his parents.

DH would have had him by the scruff of the neck and marched him over to his father and not moved until discipline wash handed out.

If my kids had done that I would have marched them straight home no questions asked and grounded them.
Nasty little blighters.

Your DH did exactly the right thing iMO, sod the fact that it's a party and a special day and the parents are trying to have a drink. Bullying little kids must nipped in the bud, no excuses

sorry, was responding to original post, that's a horrid tale janH, hope your little boy hasn't got scared off going to parks.

Good for your dh. I always think it takes more for a dad to do or say something IYKWIM. I often feel like I'm overreating to situations like this but when dh says something I know I'm not. It takes alot more to worry him than me. Am I making any sence????

Making perfect sense, woodpops! We are the same - I do sometimes overreact to things but DH is generally a bit more phlegmatic so if he gets mad too I know I was justified.

Thanks, suzy - I think DS is OK about parks but will be looking over his shoulder a bit more! I haven't done anything about it yet, I forgot to write the boy's name down when he told me, will do it tomorrow; he is a bit concerned about his friend though, as he has already had some verbal abuse at school from this boy and DS thinks he might get more/worse if the boy knows who has complained. (OTOH he probably makes a habit of it so there could be dozens of possible complainers I suppose.)

Sorry to hear this about your boy Janh. I think I'd tell the school too. I wonder if there are any tips in those 'manage a teenager' type books, you know the one about embarrassing teenage boys by talking about sex in your underwear? Do you know what I'm on about (gosh I hope so or you'll think I've lost it!)? I just wonder if some clever but reasonable and legal tactics might work. Fabarooney, I'd have told them off myself, calmly but with a look in my eye that said 'don't push me matey.'

Sorry to hear this about your boy Janh. I think I'd tell the school too. I wonder if there are any tips in those 'manage a teenager' type books, you know the one about embarrassing teenage boys by talking about sex in your underwear? Do you know what I'm on about (gosh I hope so or you'll think I've lost it!)? I just wonder if some clever but reasonable and legal tactics might work. Fabarooney, I'd have told them off myself, calmly but with a look in my eye that said 'don't push me matey.'

oops. sorry.

I'm thinking of the book mentioned on this thread

Haven't read replies but i think good on your hubby!
The little boy sounds awful and i would have done the same. He sounds like a cowardly bully picking on a 2 year old!!!

I think your dh did the right thing, fabaroony and janh, do tell the school about your son's situation. I had to talk to my son's teacher last year about a boy who was bullying my son at cubs and a party, both outside school hours and school premises, but I suspected the boy would continue to wind up ds in the classroom. Also when I had intervened he had been really defiant and disrespectful to me.

The teacher was really good about it, that knowledge I believe went into the mix - the boy and his parents had to see the teacher and the head a few times during the year.