Is my son the only one who doesn't do loads of organised activities? And should I MAKE him? Do you? Please share details of your extra curricular stuff here.

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Ds is 9.5. He is at breakfast and after school club 4 days a week and I collect him on Fridays. Ex dh collects him on alternate Fridays and takes him to his house for the weekend.

He's just brought home a class book where children share their hobbies and leisure activities and showed his class mates doing:

Karate
fishing
being in football clubs
swimming
other organised stuff

I have offered ds various clubs at various times as his school has lots, which can take the places of after school club. I've suggested football, cricket, drumming, drama etc. I even booked them once and he was SO distraught at the idea of going that I backed down and ageed to cancel them, I thought why waste the money for something he didn't want to do.

My background is that my mum went on and on at me to do various stuff when I was a child and I didn't want to, hence I have not put any pressure on ds - I know I hated any element of compulsion.

When I ask him what he wants to do he says nothing. So:

What do your children do outside school?
How old are they?
Did you make them?
Did they want to at first?
Should I make him?
Any other comments/Advice?

He can't ride a bike OR swim btw since we tried to teach him the former and he was VILE so we gave up and I delegated it to ex dh (who hasn't done it) and the latter I booked for last half term and when it came to it he whinged and whined and so I backed down again (in my defence I was knackered and I can handle the fight, I just couldn't cope with it THAT DAY, am not utter wimp). I know I have to make him do this over the summer though, this won't be optional this year and he WILL be swimming properly by the end of the summer holidays.

TIA.

PMSL !! yes, i think being the tallest in the class has its advantages !! LOL!

obviosuly, i meant DS

Ds1 13; nothing after school now but did weekly swimming lessons when younger for years. Used to dip in and out of fencing, debating, photography, drama etc on a termly basis but now prefers to daydream in his spare time. Fine by me. Learns guitar at school.

Ds2 12; used to go to same swim lesson as ds1. Now good swimmer so no longer goes. Does debating club and drama club at school after lessons. Has always been unsporty but has just announced he wants to do football next term, so I'll set that up. Also does piano lesson at home 1 day after school.

Dd has done drama and chess as after school clubs. She has signed up for FOUR activities after school in September, but she will need to whittle it down to 2 (of her choice) as I do think she should have more spare time at home. They were asked to nominate up to 5 activities and I thought she'd get one or two...Also she learns piano at school.

Ds3 (3) swimming lesson once a week.

My parents forced me to do two instruments, to a fairly serious level...and I've not touched either the violin or piano since I was 19.

I slightly DO wish they'd encouraged (or perhaps not actively discouraged) me to do a physical activity; anyway, the Inferiorettes do swimming, sometimes kicking and screaming, and I like DD1 to have one other after-school activity lthough I freely confess I also like this to be on a Thursday for reasons of pickup...so she'll be doing recorder (ooops) from September, I hope, and has been doing dance. I'd be quite happy if she added in the school gardening club as well once they're both at school and I (as opposed to her lovely childminder) am doing the after school collection(s). And I rather long to shift swimming to an after school rather than Sunday activity, too.

This probably doesn't answer most of your questions, though, does it! TBH they have both at different times objected to swimming and I've put my foot down about it, partly on account of Essential Skill and partly because I do feel very strongly I want them to feel more happy about physical activity and their bodies as teenagers than I did (although I'm probably doing it all wrong, of course, and setting up Major Blocks for them or something, life being what it is).

Sounds a bit like your ds is resistant to anything new and IMO this needs challenging. If he continues to be reistant or easily defeated by new skills and physical ones like swimming and bike riding I would be concerned about his self-esteem and just the amount of exercise and outdoor activity he's doing. Would imagine it's quite hard for a kid not to be able to ride a bike or swim etc if all his friends can and this will then discourage him further and so he'll put up more reistance... Definitely would be more worried about his ATTITUDE to doing new and varied activities rather than the amount he does.

We started things early with our dds so swimming and bike riding and walking (even if just to town) are just things we've always done as a family. Both dds rode trikes and bikes with stabilisers and then after a brief spell with a Puky training bike dd1 starting riding a bike without stabilisers (she's 5). DD1 did Tumbletots for a while then ballet. She was a bit resistant at first (but because she was shy and nervous) so I said if she tried another class and didn't want to go then she didn't have to.

Our rule with anything new like food or activity is that we would never force the kids to do anything and if they don't like it they don't have to go but they do have to at least try things. Would use bribery rather than threats so if you try x for 2 sessions I'll get you x and you can still give it up after 2 or 3 goes if you don't like it.

And definitely think there's an issue about balance. Wouldn't try and do anything organised after school since dds too knackered at the moment but at least one thing at the weekend seems reasonable, more in holidays and I'd expect them to be doing a couple of things a week by the end of primary school towards secondary school e.g. a music lesson and swimming lesson as well as stuff we do as a whole family.

Sorry meant to say both dds love ballet now and although I can't see them doing it long-term I like the fact that they're doing something physical but fun and challenging and meeting other kids and gettng out of house.

My view would be that it's quite important for your ds to do SOMETHING if just for a ltd period and to prove to himself that he can succeed at itand the activity and the succeedin at it are fun.

Sort of agree with Hurricane about swimming and bike-riding - they're not really activities such as skills ?

DS1 (7) does:

• swimming (Level 7)
• Rugby in Winter
• Drama
• Tae Kwondo and Has just dropped Trampolining after school Is starting guitar lessons in Sept

He's OK about it - he likes being busy and seems to like being part of something organised. If he was at home all week I am sure he would just play computer games/ watch TV - and I don't have the time after school to actively 'do' stuff with him, so I think it's better he does these clubs etc.

DS2 (5)

• Swimming on Saturday
• Football after school

dd is 6 (soon to be 7), yr2

Swimming (after school, at leisure centre)
Spanish (at school but an after school club)
French (during school day)

ds is 5, reception

Swimming (as above)

and will join his sister doing Spanish next year.

ds is a bit like your ds www and doesn't like organised activities but I think it is good to encourage them. I know ds ALWAYS starts off very badly in organised activities - lots of crying and standing on the side lines refusing to participate but once he starts getting involved, inevitably, he loves it. Ds loves football, really loves it, but will still bawl his eyes out at the thought of going to training - until he's done 3 or 4 lessons and then he's a different child.

oh yes, dd does gym club too but that's at the school too

Hi WWW. I have 3 kids and they do/have done

ds1 (11) footie in winter, cricket in summer, cycles everywhere, did a year of indoor climbing, swims well, did chess for a year but gave it up, just starting guitar

dd (9) piano, ballet, horse-riding, ditto cycling and swimming. Adores riding, dislikes ballet which I will probably let her give up this year or next

ds2 (5) just joined cricket team but only does practise once a week atm, not matches, swimming class once a week, cycles well, will join footie next season.

But my kids are joiners and everyone is different. We are in Holland so to not cycle from a very early age is unheard of. Ditto swimming - everyone here has to pass a swimming diploma or they can't go in a public pool without arm bands regardless of age. If your ds is happy, I'd leave him to choose with the exception of swimming which I see as a must, a bit like like school!

Oh and older 2 did Scouts until I got pissed off with the 8 pm finishes and the drive to pick up - messed up dinner times, bed times etc- and made them quit

my ds1 (8) doesn't do any organised activities - since he was in Reception he has started and dropped gymnastics, swimming, football and basketball.

When I asked him why he stopped going to basketball after about 4 weeks, he said that it was just like doing lessons but with sport and that he'd rather just play for fun. So there we go. His choice.

DS2 (5) does swimming and football after school and loves them.

Each to their own IMHO.

You are very lucky that your son's school has so many after school activites which take the place of after school club. That means no extra ferrying around for you.

I'm right in thinking you do a 5 day week at work like me? If so, I think it's very hard to keep up a separate weekday after school activity on top of work and after school clubs.

After a few years of trying out different afterschool activities - scouts, judo, etc I found it too exhausting to have to pick up ds from afterschool club, get him ready for an activity, drop him off and collect him from said activity. And IME all that rushing is also exhausting for a child of your son's age. It's one thing if you are around to collect them from school at 3.30, take them home, feed them supper then take them out for a 6.00 pm cub meeting, but just too much stress otherwise.

But I think it's good to have some weekend activities as it does mean there's always a fall back 'something to do' if there's nothing planned.

However that's not so easy with your weekend arrangement. So I think the best thing timewise is to look for holiday courses - just short ones, even lasting a day only.

I do have to frog march my sons to classes sometimes (ie if they get engrossed in a good TV programme on saturday morning). I have also cajoled them into trying out new things.

Just this week, I told ds2 (nearly 8) that he will be doing a dance, singing and drama course culminating in a perforance from 'Oliver' for a week during the school holidays. The class happens to be next to where I work, so it is more convenient than going to his holiday playclub. And it's only for a week and other boys his age are going (I checked). Ds2 also goes to saturday morning swimming, but that is it. At his request, I took him out of beavers (tried it for a year and he didn't like it, and it was a strain getting him to it after work). He also tried football as a school-run extracurriclar activity and didn't like that so we dropped it after 1 term. So I do a compromise - ds knows he gets listenend to and things can be dropped sometimes.

Also, I do sympathinse with the swimming and cycling.

Ds1: simply hated swimming and used to muck around in the classes so after two years and some slow progress, I let him drop it. He can swim but not that well. He knows I will never allow him to sail or do many things his 13 year old peers can do near water till he becomes a stronger swimmer. But cycling now, he loved it and learned without much effort.

Ds2: is far more determined to swim and generally likes his swimming lessons. But won't and can't ride a bike. I have never forced him to learn, but am hoping he soon wants to.

Summing up, I do think you have to (sometimes) override refusals to try new things, while showing that you will listen and won't force your ds to continue with something he hates.

I wonder if some of your ds's saying 'no' is to do with the fact the activities you mention are all school based? Neither of my sons have liked doing school based activities much. They have always preferred to do activities with other groups of children, in different places. I was the same as a child. I also think it's nice if my sons have different groups of friends outside school to get away from the same old peer group and also have other adults, (apart from their familiar school teachers) teaching them. I know as a child, when I did extra activites, this new dimension was very important to me and a great confidence booster.

tigermoth, none of my kids' stuff is school based - its such a pain. I'm lucky to have friends whose kids tend to do the same activities as mine so we do lots of car pooling otherwise a lot of the weekday activities would be impossible or really difficult

DS is 6

after school and all at school
Tues - french (my choice initially .. its a fun club)
Weds - Recorder (free club)
Thurs - football

used to do football on sat morning but doesn't like and wants to do karate instead (which we're looking into)

He'd love to do art club after school but it is same day as french

he can cycle

he does intensive swimming courses (30 mins every day for a week) in the school hols at local private school which costs £25 for the week .. would recommend you doing something like this

I would force him to learn to ride a bike and to learn to swim as a priority personally WWW and not allow whinging his way out of it .. he needs to swim and bike ride imo

You're right oxocube. Car pooling is a wonderful thing when it comes to ferrying children to and from judo class etc.

Unfortunately we never found car pool families living near us, but if you know you could share the ferrying around duties www, then afterschool clubs are more do-able for you. But I'd still only stick at one or two a week at most, though as your ds goes to afterschool club already so has lots of stuff to do in his day.

my last message was a bit confusing. I meant that extracurricular activites are more do-able if you have car pooling.

Ds is 8 and has just switched from Beavers to Cubs after school. He does a group tennis lesson on Saturday mornings and, pending the opening of our super new local pools complex in October, that is it. We gave up swimming lessons as it was counterproductive, he was hating something we want him to enjoy and take pleasure from. I never thought I'd let it go - I really believe swimming is vital - but he pretty much broke down in a particularly badly run lesson and we left it after that. He can in fact now swim - it clicked when we were on a sunny holiday in France. We will see what the new pools offer - part of the problem was the Hogarthian grot of the old pools. I think we should have taken GDG's route and switched to 1-1.
He also attends Sunday School, I guess that counts as a weekly commitment.
At the moment sporty clubs at school are limited, the choice increases next year, but so far - no interest in doing football, golf, tag rugby, drama or crafts.
Except swimming and church, everything is his choice www. We are quite touched he wants to carry on with Cubs as he was quite hesitant about it before his try-outs. It sounds a lot more challenging than Beavers - firestarting and paper-chases last week.
Ds can't ride a bike either. It's a shame in a way but I suspect like swimming there will come a time when he wants to, and because he's keen it will happen fast. WWW - I'd encourage the swimming but not enforce it tbh - not unless you are confident the lessons are the right approach for him. Apparently quite a lot of children don't take to swimming until 7-8-9, no matter how hard you try. I first swam at 10 and by 12 was able to swim a mile and had life-saving medals.

DS1 (6) does art on saturday morning, and has just started swimming lessons as he is having school swimming lessons in year two.

I try not to push him and it has taken us a year or so to find something he likes.
I started arranging doing things at the local sports centre doing holiday things with friends such as trampoling just so he got into the habit of classes.

Swimming is the only thing I have ever pushed mine to do, although ds just hated the last lot of lessons so I have let him stop now. He's no great stylist but he can do the 3 main strokes and keep going for a long time so that's good enough for me. He does do a fair bit but only music related- he does violin, piano and choir, and orchestra after school. All completely his choice though- he's never been willing to contemplate any kind of sporty scoutsy things. He does chess club at school too, but that's just because he likes being in the warm at lunchtime. Dd does too much IMO but she just loves it all, and it's all concentrated on Friday afternoons and Saturday mornings (no school here on Friday afternoons) so at least she's left to her own devices all week.

I honestly wouldn't worry apart from getting him able to swim enough to keep himself safe, www

My 8 year olds don't do anything apart from after school club and occasional stuff their school provides either, www. I must admit I feel really guilty about it intermittently because they are, in contrast to your boy it sounds, very keen to attend various things- karate, guitar etc. I think they should be swimming properly by now but they can't yet and I am geeling bad about kind of hoping they'd pick it up through osmosis and family visits to the pool. We never seem to get round to arranging attendence at clubs and consistently following through though, mostly for the sorts of reasons tigermoth highlights so well. We are just not in the right frame of mind after all doing long days at work/school and tend to veg out or attempt nice family times together at weekends rather than signing anyone up for organised stuff. We do swim and cycle together now and then but they neither are strong swimmers yet (despite a full year of lessons with their school- gosh, swimming is one area where big classes don't work at all, afaics) and I wish I'd made more of an effort to get them some one to one lessons by now. They are doing a week at a PGL type day camp in the summer and I'm going to see if they can get some top up lessons then. We tried evening karate for a while instead of after school club when I was between jobs and they loved it but I couldn't attend for a couple of sessions when I started the new job and we kind of left it too long and felt embarrassed to return. My partner just can't see the benefit of organised stuff and looks astounded if I suggest we prioritise it so I feel it's all up to me which is overwhelming! Oh dear, how pathetic this all sounds!

Anyway... despite this guilt fest, I must say, that it doesn't seem like our bad parenting in this area has had a massively bad effect on our sons so far and from what i've heard of your boy I would doubt you need to be hugely concerned either. Some of my boys' mates do things every night and can never come over at the weekends because of more activities and that doesn't seem too great either to me. I think, like you, our aim is to introduce and stick with one or two activities. Good luck- I will watch your progress with interest!

DS2 (nearly 6 in Y1): swimming after school on Wednesday, karate on Friday. From next term he is going to do after school drama club on Thursday - his choice.

DS1 (nearly 9 in Y4): Monday after school soccer - dead keen, but only recently; Wednesday after school swimming - I insist as he's not a strong swimmer yet; Thursday after school drama - his choice; every other Thursday cubs; Friday karate.

We do the karate with friends at a local sports club, so it's kind of an extended play session. Swimming is non-negotiable and they can both swim, but not as well as I'd like.

It ends up seeming a lot, and it can be difficult to fit friends in, but they want to do it all.

DS1 can ride a bike; DS2 can't yet without stabilisers, but was very late to pedal.

DS1 swims, but does little else.
He has done an after-school club (fitness) once a week for most of this year, and that's all.

When things come through from school I gently encourage him, but he's not keen; and that's OK with me.

With a brother at home to fight/socialise with, and long days at a fantastic school; I don't feel the need to cram in lots more.

He's just finished the last swimming class with flying colours, and has been invited to join the swimming club ... I'm thrilled that he's done so well, but very apprehensive, as they soon end up training 5 times a week [eek!]
But I'd rather wait for him to lose enthusiasm, that deny him the opportunity.

Oh THANK YOU for all these great replies. I posted and then buggered off to the Childrens food festival where dh and I had a BLISTERING row and I stropped off, with the children, to my mum's in Wiltshire, where we all are now. Dh and I have made it up...

These are great replies, I'm pleased I'm not the only one with a child who doesn't do loads of organised activities, I thought I might be.

Hurricane, agree about the thing that worries me being doing anything new and who ever said limit PS2 etc, yes, we do, he is allowed it but only at certain times. He's allowed it a LOT at his dad's (well, ex MILS, where he spends a lot of time) and I'm sure that contributes big time to his not wanting to go anywhere or do anything on those weekends. I took him to London for a few days at easter and he was amazed all of itwas on ex dh's doorstep (ex lives in London) since he doesn't get taken anywhere very much.

Thanks all who said TRYING is the important part, I think I will agree with him that he has to TRY 2 things after school from Sept and if he hates them at half term he can drop them. I know what happened with me was that my stepfather said I HAD to try Brownies for 3 weeks and if I didn't like it I could then drop it. I did like it but was so determined that I wouldn't and I would prove him wrong that I stopped anyway

Tigermoth, thank you, maybe something out of school would be good, good idea about non school groups especially as I hope he will get into the grammar and some of his current peers won't. I work 4 (Long) days atm and am at home on Friday but you're right about ferrying etc, neither dh nor I are around to do it.

Twig, I think intensive swimming in the holidays is the way to go and I'm going to do that.

I'm very heartened that so many of you do think it's ok not to do lots of stuff (swimming excluded, and I agree with you), personally I can't face the idea of all the ferrying that could go with it and anyway, we're not around enough to be able to do it.

Scummy, we are similar. We have lovely, lovely weekends being all together and we do things like
dh takes him out to play football
he has a friend round and they play yu gi oh cards
we watch a movie on our projector and have hot dogs and popcorn
we go to the cinema
we loll about a lot
he plays silly sweet games with his sister

When dh and were talking to him about this yesterday we talked about the things WE had as children and I said I always had mybooks, I used to sneak off and read under a table for hours and hours and hours and be very happy and dh used to lose himself in drawing or craft stuff. Ds said "I lose myself in my yu gi oh cards, really I do" and it's true - he plays alone with them for ages, ditto his Star Wars stuff and football books. So I suppose it's not as if he has NO interests, he has

football
yu gi oh
Star Wars
and will get involved if say we find an old Christmas present like a crystal making kit we unearthed one weekend recently.

Ds will be very pleased to hear all this as he knew I was posting here and he KNOWS the power of Mumsnet so I think he will be happy to hear you all think he should be allowed to choose! I am going to go and tell him shortly.

You're all lovely, thank you so much for these fantastic and detailed answers, I'm extremely grateful.

Hi www, just seen this, I definitely don't think it's a problem not to do too many activities. Ds1 does more than I would think ideal really - he does

Monday (in school time) Violin
Tuesday (after School) Gymnastics
Saturday (morning) Swimming

At home with me Piano

Written down it doesn't look much! But I do feel he's being ferried around a bit much.

Swimming and bike riding, probably are things he should do so when his mates want to hang out on bikes, or the pool he's not the odd one out, but he'll get those really quickly I should think.

I do think good family time is much more valuable!