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Original poster

words of wisdom - please!

33 replies

alicatsg · 02/09/2004 14:30

I'm in a quandary and hoping the wise women of mumsnet can help. After birth of ds my dh decided to stop work and look after ds rather than going down the nursery/nanny route. I'm the main earner and have a really stressy, corporate job thats an hours commute from home in both directions.

We're both shattered most of time but DH seems to be taking it hardest. What can I do to give him more support so he enjoys it more and doesn't meltdown? am doing all child stuff at w/e and do all nights, do the housework etc but I can't reduce hours at work - its not that kind of job, we need all the money and anyway I'm fighting for control of my team/my job against evil alien man from hell.

anyone got any ideas? if you're a sahp what could your dp do to help more?

Alicat

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AuntyQuated · 02/09/2004 14:33

send him to the pub with his mates
encourage him to play sport
put ds in a creche for a morning and do a course
find other sah's to socialise with

where are you?

AuntyQuated · 02/09/2004 14:34

ooo and lots of tlc, tell him what a wonderful job he is doing, how love him all the more because of it, how much ds obviously adores him

Kayleigh · 02/09/2004 14:36

you need dinosaur, her dh is sahh. Hopefully she'll be around soon.

suzywong · 02/09/2004 14:36

get him on here

seriously

It eases stress and he won't feel alone

Sounds to me like you are doing you fair share and the rest. He needs to have a PMA, and I'm not questioning his integrety or motivation or dedication.

And if he can let off steam/get support and tips during the day then you will both benefit.

You probably know that there are a few blokes on here anyway, or if Mn isn't his style he may benefit from a similar wbsite, although I can't think of one. We would be kind and welcoming and may rib him gently (oo-er ).

HTH

Original poster
alicatsg · 02/09/2004 14:38

I do the lots of love but... I think it wears off!

We recently moved to Godalming area and most of our friends are in Scotland or London. He's also not been well so drinking is out and his pals are very boozy so...

He did go to mother and baby but found them a bit female, and knows one other sahd in the area but hasn't gelled with him to be honest. He does go to the gym and gets 1hr off then but otherwise.

Am I being selfish in working the hours I do? I just can't see how I could possibly reduce them.

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Original poster
alicatsg · 02/09/2004 14:39

whats a PMA?

ignorant moo aren't i?!

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Beetroot · 02/09/2004 14:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

anorak · 02/09/2004 14:42

Of course you're not being selfish, you're out working for goodness' sake, not having fun!

Can you afford a childminder for a few hours a week to give dh a break. Then he can use the time to do jobs he can't do when ds is there, or to go out and do whatever he wants, or simply to relax.

Can I just say it sounds as if you, too, need a bit of time to yourself.

Original poster
alicatsg · 02/09/2004 14:43

ds is 11 months next week, and is into everything and needs/wants a lot of attention. He doesn't nap much during the day.

As to why he's tired - he's always needed more rest than me - I'm one of those low-sleep people while he would happily sleep off a sat pm even pre ds!

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suzywong · 02/09/2004 14:43

Lou33 's DH does quite a bit of childcare and they are in Surrey.

I think he should share the housework with you too, btw, at least you shouldn't have to do the kitchen when you come home.

You aren't being selfish in the slightest

Original poster
alicatsg · 02/09/2004 14:45

time to myself would be heaven but I kind of reason that at present somethings gotta give and I'm best able to cope (plus I enjoy my job so in a way thats for me)

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Original poster
alicatsg · 02/09/2004 14:47

sorry - meant to ask how do you contact people if they aren't on the thread? is there a way? would love to compare notes with others in similar situation

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suzywong · 02/09/2004 14:48

Have you ever been Cannonized?

I can understand your desire for harmony in your household but you have your hands full by the sounds of things. Has DH specifically asked you to cut your hours or give him time off?

Original poster
alicatsg · 02/09/2004 14:59

i don't think they make bitchy swear-a-lots like me saints, the halos make us itch. I'm not trying to come over as a martyr so please don't take it that way and I don't think I do enough to be honest (new mother guilt?)

we've had a number of rows about it and he just asked that I take ds off his hands all day sat which I normally do but he sounded so stressed. I just want to make this work.

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Bibiboo · 02/09/2004 15:02

Sometimes I really believe the "women can multi-task, men can't" way of thinking. Maybe that's why he finds it all a bit stressful. If you earn the most, then it makes perfect sense for you to go out to work, and if you enjoy the job and pressures that come with it, you are not being selfish, or asking too much of your dp.
All I can suggest is what others have suggested, getting him some more "time out" - does a long walk send your ds off to sleep? Maybe your dh could go for uber long walks and although he will have a child and accessories with him, he can maybe catch a little peace and some thinking time for himself. Are there any baby yoga classes in your area or parent and toddler swimming groups - dp still has time with your ds, but is socialising too and hopefully these activities will keep ds occupied so your dh won't have all his attention directed at ds IYSWIM.

Hope you find a solution x

MancMum · 02/09/2004 15:05

my DH is a SAHD and he finds it hard - too few Dads around to talk to and he is not really into the mother and baby groups... so I make sure I support him by making sure that I move everything to ensure that he has his time with his friends - playing football a couple of times a week, I also suggested that the kids go to child minder a few hours a week and he also did a course with the OU - so he felt he was getting something out of his time out of work...

When I get home I do all child care - e.g bathing, bedtime - mainly cos I want to see them and also to give him a break so he can do tea, potter round or just watch TV.

Shame we are not closer as I know my DH would really love to have some male company during the day...

Tommy · 02/09/2004 15:08

Try and get him to go to a Parent & Toddler group - the ones I've been to always have some dads there too. I think sometimes, as a SAHP, you hav to do things that you wouldn't normally do - like going up and talking to people, spending time with people you wouldn't necessarily get onwith in other parts of your life etc and making sure you go out every day - even if it's just a walk to the shops. Dare I say it but think about if your situations were reversed. If my DH did all the child stuff at weekends,nights and the housework because I do all the childcare during the week,it would seem very unfair. Taking care of children at home is a full time job as is yours. If he is finding it all too stressful then perhaps you need to rethink your decision. HTH - good luck

acnebride · 02/09/2004 15:11

could it be that dh is not cut out to be a sahd? how would he feel about at least working part-time? how would you feel about it? doesn't have to be forever, maybe just a few months?

is moving an impossible option? that commute sounds like h*ll for all of you.

could he take ds to grandparents for a few days?

are you working in the same field? could you do a jobshare?

Although I think you do more than your share (possibly he knows that and it is depressing him) I do sympathise - without getting out to baby groups, sticking ds in creche to go swimming, seeing other mothers, going to tea etc I would be deeply fed up by now. I think the SAHD is not really catered for yet. Would qualifying as a childminder, setting up a dad's group, leading music groups or whatever suit him at all? HTH

suzywong · 02/09/2004 15:13

Well put Tommy

It is always difficult to advise without sounding judgemental but it the boot was on the other foot, I can imagine many sound, decent un-selfish female MNers shouting the good news that they only had to do what your DH does during the week, I mean a whole day off at the weekends is pretty good going for a SAHP.

Sorry to be blunt and I know this isn't practical advice that you asked for but it is worth thinking about

Original poster
alicatsg · 02/09/2004 15:17

all very interesting - to be honest I do wish he did more but at the moment I need him in a happier place before I tackle that. He doesn't want to work - he's always seen raising kids as the most imp thing he could do.

doesn't help that the grandps are either not interested (mine) or 300 miles away (his).

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suzywong · 02/09/2004 15:24

I can sompletely understand you wanting him to be happier, you are a supportive loving partner, it would seem.

If he thinks (and hats off to him) that raising kids is a job of such value then I'm afraid he will have to take the rough with the smooth to some extent - I do. I don't mean to set myself up as a paragon of virtue and god knows I moan about it at times but raising kids = drudgery and dullness in some measure unless you can afford cleaners and mother's helps.

It would seem to me that he needs to bolstered and supported on one hand and as the other MNers suggest given treat times for himself but at the same time be, don't want to say 'made to see' but along those lines, that if you are spending all day at work then he can't leave the housework and bathing and bedtimes exculsively to you. And IMHO you should at least be taking the kids together for half the days on the weekend.

Raising kids is an important job but it's a JOB and there are bits of it that are hard and dirty and tiring.

Don't want to turn this in to a SAHP workload debate, but them's the facts as I see them

californiagirl · 02/09/2004 17:52

I'd start by getting a cleaner. Some people (me, for one) are not cut out to clean houses. Staying home makes me guiltier about it, but it doesn't get the house any cleaner. In fact, one of my friends says they never needed a cleaner until his wife was home messing the house up all day; he could clean it in his spare time just fine until then.

lou33 · 02/09/2004 19:10

We are about 3 miles from Godalming. Dh is a v hands on dad, don't know how I would manage without him tbh, esp with all the driving to appts for ds2 ( i don't drive and ds2 has cp). You can get hold of me through contact another talker if you want (top of the page).

Chinchilla · 02/09/2004 19:26

Alicatsg - I agree with everything said below. I am a SAHM, and sometimes it is so boring, because M & T groups are not exactly stimulating for the parents. I can imagine that your dh feels a bit isolated from the women at these groups, although they would probably chat to him if he made an effort. He should really be doing the majority of the housework as a SAHP, because that comes with the territory.

My h does the bath and bed routine with ds most nights after work, because he works from home and finishes at 6pm(ish), so that allows me some MN time or I cook the dinner. That is certainly a break. Also, at the weekend, we take it in turns to have a lie-in. H has Saturday am and I have Sunday. We lie-in until 10am, which is lovely.

I don't think it is right that you have your ds all day Saturday, as you work hard too! If he needs a child-free day, then he should take that time to do some of the housework that he didn't do during the week.

Pagan · 02/09/2004 19:47

I'm a SAHM and can sympathise re the Mums and Toddlers part. I find them pretty dull sometimes and there are no blokes there, only mums, grans and female childminders so I can imagine what it would be like for a guy.

I do lots round the house so that's what keeps me going. I did have my angst in the past where I felt unfulfilled but I realise that this is my job for the time being and probably the most worthwhile one I'll ever do. That also keeps me going. I'm an older mum and worked for a long time beforehand so that's probably why I enjoy it all the more.

I try to do lots of things with DD, like taking her swimming, going for walks and at the weekends my DH and I always do things together as a family. What did you do together at weekends before DS was born?? You see we still try to do as much as we always did and incorporate DD into this as much as is practical. That way neither of us feel that we have lost out on our personal joys and the weekends still feel special. We've always been outdoorsy so we usually head off somewhere with the bikes/tent/whatever. Of course if we'd been total party animals and were out clubbing all weekend, incorporating DD into such a life would be a bit more problematic

Perhaps you could do things together (all 3 of you) at weekends. It's always easier if there are 2 parents present rather than 1 whilst the other goes off for some me time. Hope this helps and best of luck