words of wisdom - please!

[alicatsg]

I'm in a quandary and hoping the wise women of mumsnet can help. After birth of ds my dh decided to stop work and look after ds rather than going down the nursery/nanny route. I'm the main earner and have a really stressy, corporate job thats an hours commute from home in both directions.

We're both shattered most of time but DH seems to be taking it hardest. What can I do to give him more support so he enjoys it more and doesn't meltdown? am doing all child stuff at w/e and do all nights, do the housework etc but I can't reduce hours at work - its not that kind of job, we need all the money and anyway I'm fighting for control of my team/my job against evil alien man from hell.

anyone got any ideas? if you're a sahp what could your dp do to help more?

Alicat

alicatsg, i'm a sahm and frankly your dh could be me and you could be my dh (are you lost yet, i am!)...my dh is incredibly helpful and hands on, but the fact is that being a sahm is hardwork, physically knackering and on bad days can be soul destroying...as for mother and toddler groups: see my going insane in putney thread...!

hats off to both of you, for going against the flow in terms of gender roles...its just really hard. i don't think from the sounds of it that you could do more tbh...sounds like you are wonderfully supportive, loving and have a wicked sense of humour...what more could he ask. even one day a week childcare might be the answer. it's the route that we're going down (having sworn never to)...i think that if he gets some time to himself, even half or one day, he'll find the whole thing a lot easier and more rewarding and he'll enjoy it more. i don't think you should be doing everything you're doing and all the housework btw!

hth

Do working dads, ever have these worries when it is the mum staying at home? I know there is a minority but i don't know any men that would be feeling "guilty" about WORKING!! and rushing home to take over so the mum can put her feet up.

I'm not meaning this personally to your husband Alicat, but generally don't you think men are such weeds? I work p/t time from home, when dd is asleep and in the evenings, i keep up with the housework, cooking etc i also find time to spend a couple of hours a week at a mundane m&b group for dd's benefit not mine.

I think the good thing is that you and your husband are aware that each others days are stressful in their own individual ways, and so long as you don't start the battle of "my day is harder than yours" you'll at least understand each other.

I actually think men are pre-programmed not to multi-task - I mean I boil the kettle to make tea and while boiling/brewing empty or load dishwasher or similar. DH stands in rapt adoration of kettle until its done.

Still he's very good with spiders and drives - two things guaranteed to make me sob in terror. Wimp that I am.

Thanks all for your support.

lol ali, that is so true. My dh has similar trouble looking after ds and doing anything else at the same time. Unless of course that something else is watching football on the telly or reading the paper!

At the moment I am decanting my homemade vinegar, drying the laundry and mumsnetting while ds plays

amazing isn't it? I've seen him watch a chicken roast before now. pulled a chair up to the oven door and watched it till I asked what the point was. He said he didn't want it to burn.

maybe its all the random facts men have cluttering their brains - all that football and sporst knowledge taking up useful space

Ali you made me laugh with your kettle comment. All blokes I know get in a complete tiz when faced with more than one task.

LOl Alicat, that is exactly what i mean. My dp needs two hands to carry our dd around which means he has an inability to carry out any other tasks. I often say to him, how do you think i manage when i'm on my own with her? Carrying rubbish, laundry pile, empty cups and dd down the stairs when attempting my morning "tidy up"

alicat, how true is that Kettle comment! DH says I try to do too much at once and that is why I get stressed