I'm extremely confused and in a bit of a state

[notadmittedthistomyselfbefore]

I need to ramble. Apologies in advance. I am a regular, but really don't want to do this under my usual name.

My children attend a sports club. One of the instructors has been accused of fairly minor inappropriate behaviour (accepting that any inappropriate behaviour is unacceptable but it truly is the bottom end of the scale).

Oddly enough, his story correlates with the complainant's story, and this has been consistent, but a complaint has now been made. The police are investigating, rightly so, but at this stage seem to have intimated that if nothing else is found, there's likely to be no charges. His solicitor has also implied that there's no case to answer, so now he has to wait until October.

If I'm honest, my first thoughts are to take the children and run, but I'm very confused.

Although I intend to delicately probe my children, I believe absolutely that they have never been subject to any inappropriate behaviour. They have never been alone with this man, there is usually another instructor/member of staff there, and as parents we're there the vast majority of the time. They have never exhibited anything that would indicate any wrongdoing at any point.

Innocent until proven guilty is a basic principle of British Law, but I also know that children should always be believed in these circumstances, until/unless proved otherwise.

There's no smoke without fire, as they say, until you factor in the complainant's mother, who I know from past experience has no qualms about lying. (I realise I may be flamed for that comment, but sadly that's the truth).

General observation is that the complainant himself has always had an excellent relationship with the instructor.

When I discussed the situation with one of the other mothers as to where we go from here (we're quite involved with the club in an unofficial capacity), without any prompting she said virtually the same as I had thought, as detailed above.

I really don't know what to do for the best.

The instructor is seemingly very open about all of this, and he is devastated by the accusations. He has told a small group of parents what has occurred, and intends to inform the rest of the parents as soon as possible, but is trying to work out the best way of doing this (meeting? letter?).

We think we (the small group of parents who already know) should have a meeting with him, and ask some searching questions, and take it from there.

Oh God, I'm so confused.

Well, there is sometimes smoke without fire. Things can be misconstrued, mountains can be made of molehills etc etc etc.

Yes, children should be taken seriously and believed but if there's no case to answer then (obv don't know exactly what's happened) then I'm not sure what more needs to be done? It sounds like your plan of meeting this man and hearing what he has to say is a good one.

I can understan dyour confusiona nd agree with bookthief except that I don't think you should meet this man. As the poilcie are investigating you need to allow them the necessary space to do so. Also although I ams ure you are absolutely intending to make it fair and balanced the potential for this to turn in to a kangaroo court is huge.

I agree there can be cases of smoke without fire, I've seen it before in different scenarios.

Melbob, we've already talked with this instructor anyway (I was one of the first to be informed of what was going on by the man himself). Sorry, I didn't make that clear. I think, with the small group of parents involved at this stage, it would be unlikely to turn into a kangaroo court.

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I think that you very very delicately ask your children if they have any concerns and if they don't then leave it.

Without knowing the ins and outs of it all it sounds like the instructor knows he has made an error of judgement and is being open about it etc but what would be achieved if all those like you - "invovled in an unofficial capacity" - ran out? What would that achieve for the children?

Something similiar has just happened with a club I & DC are involved in and I took the view that as the police and other officials had the matter in hand and although one of my DC had been "involved" in an incident it had not been something so serious that I wanted to withdraw from the club.

You may find that after all the upheaval the instructor moves on to pastures new but the fact that he is being so open I think is very positive - although not knowing the characters involved it's hard to judge.

If the incident was serious then the club would have suspended him and the police would be speedy in their execution of enquiries.

I'd take my children out and find a club elsewhere.
It's not politically correct.
It's probably unreasonable.
There may be nothing in the allegations, and the instructor may be totally innocent.
But that is what I'd do.

Horrible situation for you to be in.

I personaly would take a step back from it rather than get involved with meetings and even discussions with other parents.
Even just discussion with other parents can blow things out of proportion and things can get confusing when more rumours, speculation and opinions are added.

I'd stick to the simple facts that you already know and take time to use your own judgement.

From the little you say about the child in question (and the mother) I have recalled quite a few similar stories from over the years. Now I'm saying this knowing next to nothing, so I'm simply joining in a convo rather than giving any kind of advice iyswim. there was a girl nearby, who a year or so ago was raising alarm beels/causing raised eyebrows etc. An elderly lady I know told me she had had to ask her to stop calling to her flat (she would call and ask if she could go to the shop for her) because she felt that the girl could end up getting her into trouble. The girl would tell such tales; nothing major, but still. In cases like this you end up looking at the underlying factor behind the tales rather than the tale itself. Hope this makes sense.

Use your own judgement, leave it to the police etc. No doubt the result will be that the sports club will ensure even more people are there to supervise those supervising those supervising those supervising and so and so on

That's interesting, Noodlestroodle. Sounds sort of similar, and also my initial thinking, then I started the "whatifs?" iykwim, and then confused myself completely.

It's his club, so he can only suspend himself really.

I think a lot of parents would brothelsprout.

Unfortunately, I am already involved, in that I'm the first parent he told, and he has already told two other parents. We (+ one set of parents who are on holiday) are heavily involved in the club (it's quite small) and most of the other parents just drop and collect, whereas between us we're there for most of the lessons (several times a week) and do a lot for the club.

I was wondering the same thing as MrBatters. I want to comment but my feelings would relate a lot to what this "bottom end of the scale" occurance actually is.

Careful! Many years ago a teacher colleague had his career destroyed by 2 girls who made up stories abot him, when quetioned, embellished their story, and finally admitted that their stories were untrue when he had been suspended for a year. He had to move counties, but never recovered from the experience. A similar story was dramatised in Grange Hill some years ago. The current ruling for state school teachers is that even unfounded claims of "inappropriate behaviour" is recorded in their files.

I would not talk to him or go with a group of parents to discuss

things can so easily get heated and blown out of proportion and develop into a witch hunt

either take your children elsewhere, or wait to see what happens with the complaint

and let the police deal with this

Are your kids happy? If they feel uncomfortable then don't go back, if they are happy then don't take further action. Make sure they know they can talk to you if need to.

Yes, my children are happy there. There has never been any suggestion from them that there is anything remiss.

He is accused of giving wedges, which sounds (both in level of seriousness, and also wtf is he doing that?) but the activity the children do is rough and tumble, it is a contact sport, so there is contact and there is also general daftness. Although I've never seen him actually giving wedges, the general daft behaviour is consistent whoever is around, not in lessons but in breaktimes and at social events, etc, and he has done this in front of the mother of the complainant, who has laughed and joined in. Other parents witness this behaviour and have never passed any criticism. Oh God it sounds even more inappropriate written down, but it really is low level.

I can see that the majority of you are saying don't get involved, but I already am. The child protection officer (one of the three sets of parents)has now requested a meeting with us, the other set of parents and the chairperson, and then with the instructor, before she and/or the chairperson made any decisions about informing the wider circle of parents. Although we're not official, we do act like a sort of mini-committee for the club, and the CP officer (and chairperson) want our opinions because we are so heavily involved.

I must reiterate though, the meeting will not turn into a witchhunt, whatever decisions are made. All six parents so far involved and the chairperson want what's best for everyone, and that includes the instructor.

The question for me is, is this an allegation that will lead to the police uncovering more stuff, or is it a malicious complaint?

I have strong suspicions that, whilst the behaviour is inappropriate, the complaint is malicious, but until the police complete their enquiries we don't know. In the meantime the CP officer needs to make defensible decisions to protect the chldren.

OK I am very thick, but what is a wedge? I have never known what people mean by that.

Wedgie=Underwear being pulled up into the crack.

I'd run a mile from any meeting like that, tbh. If you don't have any official role, and you had nothing to do with the complaint, I can't see the child protection officer want you to be involved.
It sounds like a situation that is going to get very complicated.

"can't see why the child protection officer wants you to be involved".
sorry.

Now you have told us what it is - a very bad error of judgement on his part but I think that sounds as though it is all it is.

Stay away from the meeting - sides will be taken however much you hope it wont.

How old are your children? Are they of an age to be delicately questioned and give reliable answers? iykwim

I cannot help or advise you, but can tel you about something simlar which is really close to me.
Last year a friend of mine who teaches primary school was accused of similar things. The girl reported it directly to the headteacher.

He was immediatly suspended, and faced all sorts of enquiries. It devestated his personal life, his fiancee didn't know what to think, and I am sure it caused upset for the children in his class.
It eventually emerged that the girl had been told to say he did it by her mother, who had a personal vendetta against him after a bad parents evening meeting. This woman was also a serious alcoholic and has been in prison herself.
He has now been fully cleared, but has been too scared to go back into teaching, which was his life love, and now works odd bar or office jobs. He also broke up with his fiancee over the strain of it.

Devil - exactly why in these situations it's best to stand back and let the powers that be do the investigating.

isn't a wedgie general in line with the horseplay though

I think 'inappropriate' is the correct terminology

and I think that a mountain is probably being made out of a molehill

no, I wouldn't want this happening to my children but if its general horseplay that should be redirected

you need to be extremely careful in talking to your children.. you cannot say 'has xxx ever done anything / this' because that's leading questions ..

Hmm. OK am now enlightened.

I would worry that someone who works with children and therefore presumably has had some kind of training / guidance, has chosen to ignore it on this occasion. And I would wonder if there is anything else he has been told not to do, which he would also ignore.

This is slightly more than horseplay imo. Anyone who works with children is ultra ultra ultra aware of abuse issues, so someone who chooses to do this low level inappropriate stuff would be suspect for me.

Sorry.