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Yet another family/money dilemma - aaargh!

29 replies

Budababe · 31/05/2007 13:16

Feel sick and annoyed and sad and and and.....

Call from sis this morning. History - she is married, some problems, 3 DCs, history of PND with all 3, recently diagnosed with bi-polar but is not medicated as terrifed of going on lithium.

She has a favour to ask. Cue me knowing it is money related. Turns out that while in the midst of her depression she racked up credit card debt. Took out a bank loan. Now can't pay that. Looking to borrow from us to pay off bank loan. Her DH is unaware and she is afraid to tell him as she says he will throw her out and take the DCs. She doesn't want to tell our parents as she says she has put them through enough. Went to credit union and they say she needs to save with them for 6 - 12 months and then they will lend her the money but she needs a guarantor.

She needs 15,000 euros. I feel sick just thinking about it.

What the hell do I do? Yes we can afford it. Or rather DH can - I am SAHM. We lent them money before when they were buying their house - they paid it back but it was no where near this amount. I feel so angy with her. Angry that she did it in the first place. And angry that she has put me in this position. She said that she sometimes thinks they only solution is to write her DH a letter explaining and then take an overdose of paracetemol.

When she was really bad she used to go around different pharmacies with altered prescriptions to get whatever she was on. Has been off all antid's and sleeping tabs for about 2 or 3 years but is still prone to manic episodes where she does spend a lot. No guarantees that this won't happen again.

I spoke to DH briefly and his initial comment was that we were not doing anything behind anyone's back.

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WideWebWitch · 31/05/2007 13:19

Agree with your dh. She needs more help than lending her cash, she needs medication/help and lending her more money won't give her that.

lulumama · 31/05/2007 13:20

if your sister is in such a state, i think it is fair her DH knows

15 000 euros is a lot of money

too much to lend behind her DHs back, IMO

if she doesn;t / can;t pay it back..how will you feel?

Budababe · 31/05/2007 13:35

www - thanks - she does seem to be a lot better now. Last episode was Xmas. CAme through triggers - Easter and her DS's communion last week with no relapses.

Mind you she has just spent 2,000 euros on laser eye surgery! That is annoying me too.

lulumamma - I would be afraid that our relationship would not recover if I told her DH. He has had a drink prob in the past but I think is OK now. But I know he can geet nasty.

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WakeUpCall · 31/05/2007 13:47

What would happen if you said 'I'm sorry, we can't help you'?

Budababe · 31/05/2007 13:51

I really don't know except that I would feel guilty.

DH earns a very good salary so we could afford it no problem. It's whether we should or not.

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FioFio · 31/05/2007 13:52

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FioFio · 31/05/2007 13:53

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lulumama · 31/05/2007 13:53

that would be a shame, but she is doing herself and you no favours, by not taking meds, lying to her Dh and putting you on the spot

FioFio · 31/05/2007 13:54

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Budababe · 31/05/2007 13:58

Why is it that as the eldest I feel responsible for my sisters?

Have to go and get DS from school and take him to football. Thanks all.

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sahmtotwo · 31/05/2007 14:45

Get her to ring one of the Free debt charitie and join www.moneysavingexpert.com and check out the Debt Free Wannabe board.

www.nationaldebtline.co.uk/

www.cccs.co.uk/

HTH

Budababe · 01/06/2007 17:20

Oh God - update. Just spoke to my Dad and he mentioned sis. Said she is having a bad week - was stopped by police and told car not road-worthy as 3 bald tyres so had to go and buy new ones. The same day her numpty DH parked his car at work and didn't put hand-brake on. Rolled into another car so they have to pay for that. And he says she is starting to speak oddly which is always an indicator of another episode.

Didn't say anything to him - he would go ballistic.

Had decided to speak to sis tomorrow and say that as I will be home in 3 weeks we will wait and sort it then and I will go with her to CAB and sort out debt counselling etc and then once a plan is in place she and/or I can tell her DH.

Am now worried as to HOW she got the bank loan. She must have had to use something as collaterol surely?

Her DH really needs to know doesn't he? They need to sit down and work things out when both are calm so that she can never do this again. Problem is she does all the money stuff as he is useless.

Bloody bloody hell.

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walbert · 01/06/2007 17:27

Budababe, having read your thread and all the updates, you seem to be taking the best course of action by not looking to lend the money but getting your sister to face her problems by going for debt counselling etc. If you lend the money it's only puting a sticky plaster over a huge wound, rather than really sorting things out: the issue isn't if you can afford it, as you say you can, but what happens to your relationship if ds doesn't pay you back, will it cause problems in your relationship with your husband? although your sister is ill, you are a sibling to her, not a guardian as such as it isn't fair to ask you to take on so much responsibilty. if you ghive your sister suport to try and take steps to sort out her problems herself you will hopefully be doing her a bigger favour in the long run. Good luck to you all.

Budababe · 01/06/2007 21:02

Sent txt saying not ignoring but would be in touch. She txt straight back. I replied askng about waiting till I am home. No go.

She is panicking and says I can't tell him cos he will kill her. Next txt says not to worry she will sort - that he will forgive a lot but "lying and cheating are deal breakers".

Says she now needs just enough to replenish savings - 5,000.

Shit shit shit.

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walbert · 01/06/2007 21:07

Budababe, if your sister has reduced the amount she wants from 15000 to 5000 to replenish savings without telling hubby, do you think there's achance she might hav been a bit naughty and been spending? (sorry, don't want to seem rude casting any bad shadows over your sister), if so, you really probably are bnest sicking with your plan of accompanying her to go to debt management to sort this out, otherwise you might be getting roped in to cover up naughty spending? If your sister is worried about husbands reaction so much, should she maybe go to stay with your parents or someone if he really poses such a threat, or is this possibly to try to get you to help out with the money? Please don't feeel bullied into things: you are a sister, not parent, bank etc all rolled into one. Good luck!

Budababe · 01/06/2007 22:18

Right. Update on the update.

Txts back and forth. She is obv panicking. Have agreed that she will call when he is not around - prob Sunday.

In meantime DH decides that it is too much for me/us so calls my Dad. Tells him the basics and that he feels it is not fair that I am shouldering issue. Dad susprised but feels he should have smelt a rat. She got new blinds in the house last week and phoned my Dad for 500 euros as she didn't have enough cash.

Dad has promised not to say anything but I now need to tell sis that we will help but that Dad needs to be involved. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Still feel shit. It is not going to go well.

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Budababe · 01/06/2007 22:41

Bump as am stressed and am only on MN for HELP!!!

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Budababe · 01/06/2007 22:54

Bumping again. Don't know why.

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Budababe · 01/06/2007 22:59

Oh all right then. Am off to bed.

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NurseyJo · 01/06/2007 23:04

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NurseyJo · 01/06/2007 23:04

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Budababe · 01/06/2007 23:06

Well we have sort of agreed that we will help only if she fronts up to Dad. Will transfer money through his account and sort the current issue but also involve her DH so that this can't happen again.

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NurseyJo · 01/06/2007 23:12

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Budababe · 01/06/2007 23:20

Don't really have an answer for that NurseyJo. Lots of denial going on.

I think we are going to have tosit down and mke a plan so this cant happen again which will mean removing any fiancial responsibly from her.

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Budababe · 02/06/2007 08:33

She txted this morning as she can't sleep. Loan figure is now 8,500. Needs 13,500 in total as hr DH thinks they have 5,000 in savings and will need to take some of it out this week (presumably to pay for the damage to his car and the other car when he stupidly left his hand-brake off).

My plan is to speak to her and tell her we will transfer 5,000 to my Dad and he will give her what she needs. I will say I am involving Dad as I can't shoulder the responsibilty alone and that it is unfair to expect me to. The other condition is that when I go home in 3 weeks I go to a debt counsellor with her and we sort something out for repayment of the loan. Then when my DH arrives a week later we sit down with her DH and tell him what happened and what the plan is to repay and to ensure that they sort finances so this can't happen again.

Good plan oh wise mumsnetters? She will hate involving my Dad. He will make her feel an inch high.

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