Can anyone help me?

[fallenangel2002]

I know this isn't the usual sort of message that is posted on here but I'm desperate and thought that someone might be able to help.

I am single and desperate to have a baby. I am registered with a sperm bank in the US but have my reservations about proceding. It seems it would be so much more straightforward if I could do the whole thing in this country.

So I am looking for a young, healthy male who would be able to act as a sperm donor. The only real requirement is that he is RHESUS NEGATIVE and prepared to undergo blood tests. There would be no strings attached and following a successful insemination, no further contact would be required, except potentially another donation in a couple of years. All expenses would be my own reponsibility.

If you, or anyone you know, might be able to help please email me - [email protected]

Thank you in advance

How do you feel about this SimonHoward being our male representative? I think it is a bit dodgy myself and would worry about the CSA etc. I also think that a child should know about both parents as it grows up so I'm not sure that I agree with the anonymity and disposable father aspect of it.

FallenAngel, I don't think you're likely to meet many single males on this site but good luck anyway.

fallenangel, I understand how much you want a baby but have you really thought it through? Babies and children are hard work and on your own, even harder. As much as I love my family I had no idea of the level of constant drain it would have on me.

Why not concentrate on trying to find a partner to share your love and responsibility with? R

Fallenangel, I cannot reinforce Rhiannon's words strongly enough. It is so hard, even with a partner/ husband, and must be so much more difficult alone. However, sort of understand , but think long and hard: good luck with whatever you decide. xx

Fallen angel.

Firstly I know very well what that desire for a baby is like, and secondly please don't feel I'm judging you negatively.

My two children were born from two vastly different situations; the first with a man I hardly knew, because I just really wanted a baby, and the second after several years of living with a lovely man who is an excellent father.

In a nutshell what I learnt from my experiences was that my first child was a result of my desire to achieve something, possess something, love and be loved, have something to be proud of. I was also generally quite unconfident about operating as a fully fledged adult and it seemed so much easier to jump into being a parent - I didn't value myself enough to put me first, I could put all my energies into someone else.

My second child was born of real love for her father, where we wanted to 'make' a child together.

I love both children so much, but I did have problems in so many areas with my first - the main difficulty being that very simplistically, I'd had him to love me, and of course I now realise that if your child loves you that's a bonus....a tiny baby or toddler certainly can't behave in a loving way. Before we can be the best parents we can, we have to be able to give to the nth degree without feeling we are owed anything back.

I'm sure you must have thought this through in order to have already approached a sperm bank, but please think some more. I am aware that new law will be passed in the near future which will give all children conceived with donated sperm will be entitled to contact details about the donor father, so that's another point to consider.

Are you willing to tell us more about why you have chosen this approach to having a child?

kindest regards, Mopsy x

Thanks Mopsy for pouring your heart out

I know how hard it is to have babies alone. I already have 2. Both conceieved outside of relationships and both loved very, very much.

I have been examining my motivation over and over again, to try and make the right decision.

I know that I am probably being stupid and selfish, but there you go. I have always wanted a big family, and I suppose, when I think of it, one of the main reasons is because of my own family situation. I have one older sibling, with whom I have never got on. I want my kids to have more than just one sibling. I know that wont mean they will get on, but i just think it gives them more chance. And being a single mum i think that makes it even more important.

Also, I definately want more children and having had two children, i dont want to have a big gap and then another little separate family later.

As far as waiting for love to come along...I always wanted to have children young. I have several relatives who have waited to fall in love before having children - they are now still waiting and well past their child-bearing stage. Im not going to risk that.

If it were as simple as going out and having a one-night stand then i would do that, but unfortuantely it isnt, due to medical reasons.

I know this is a pretty desperate route to go but i am desperate.

I am not criticising single parents in any way, but don't you think your children might like to have a father? Are the other fathers around? I know a woman who has three children after 40 because that's when she met her second husband (she already had a child), so you don't have to be young to have a big family. I know that some children are terribly haunted in later life by the fact that they were conceived by donor sperm and will never have the chance to meet their father. That would bother me. And just because there is a biggish age gap doesn't mean that siblings can't be close. In fact, there is usually less sibling rivalry and though the gap of, say, ten years seems huge at first, the difference between 30 and 40 isn't so much, IMO.

Please dont get me wrong. im not critisising they way anyone else chooses to plan their family. If your happy then thats fine. great. its just not what i want.

no, my kids dads arent around,and so far theyre happy balanced kids. when the time comes that they want contact with thier dads, and i know it will, then i will do all i can to support them.

Fallen angel

I appreciate you being so open about this, and you sound like a loving and devoted mum.

You are creating your own family for a number of reasons - partly because you have 'space' and love in your life to give another child, which is great. But you do understand that it is also to create your own family because that's a scenario you missed out on yourself. Some people would think that was selfish, yes, but that was part of the reason I had my first child and I'm sure we're not the only ones!

Ultimately it is no-one else's concern when/how/why/who with a woman has children; if you have the love/time/energy etc to make a reasonable job of it then no-one should criticise. There are plenty of children born into conventional partnerships/marriages who end up being abused and neglected I'm sure.

Perhaps it would be a good idea to find more information about how children conceived using donated sperm feel about their origins; I bet if you did a google search you'd find something, or maybe go to a good bookshop? I worry that maybe you could do with having 'more' in your life generally, not just children. Have you studied, do you work, how are things for you socially?

love Mopsy x

Fallenangel, there are many clinics in the UK that offer donor insemination to single women, and I have to say that in many ways I think this is a safer route than just trying to connect with some guy (though of course it costs money!). You can find your nearest clinic on this website, www.hfea.gov.uk. I have several friends who've had babies by going this route, straight single women and lesbian couples, and their families are all very happy. Good luck!

Why does he have to be rhesus negative?

Mopsy.

Thank you for such a supportive message. I really didn't expect it.

"But you do understand that it is also to create your own family because that's a scenario you missed out on yourself."
I guess this is true. All in all I had a good childhood, but looking back on it now I wouldnt say it was particularly happy. I adore my parents, but since becoming a mum myself i see certain shortfalls in the way they did things.

Also having grown up in a large extended family (my parents had 3 and 5 siblings respectively) I feel that I missed out.

"Ultimately it is no-one else's concern when/how/why/who with a woman has children; if you have the love/time/energy etc to make a reasonable job of it then no-one should criticise."

This is very true. i only wish more people felt this way.

"Perhaps it would be a good idea to find more information about how children conceived using donated sperm feel about their origins; I bet if you did a google search you'd find something, or maybe go to a good bookshop?"
This is a valid point, and i will see what i can find out.

"I worry that maybe you could do with having 'more' in your life generally, not just children. Have you studied, do you work, how are things for you socially?"
This is an interesting point. I have studied, and I am planning to continue to do so. I dont work although I have just started doing something from home. Hopefully this will come to fruition in the near future. Socially things aren't great as im not driving at the moment, but we're ok. I want to devote my life to my children for now. im young and theres plenty of time later for anything else i want to do.

a family is what i want more than anything. this is something i have given an awful lot of thought to, and its what i want.

Zoya,

thank you for your kind words.

"there are many clinics in the UK that offer donor insemination to single women"

the problem with this is that, i beleive most require this to be done through a gp, which is something i want to avoid.

i will see what i can find out on the website you provided. it is a link i had not heard of before.

Leese,
he has to be rhesus negative as i have rhesus disease.

I dont know if you know anything about the condition, but basically, where it doesn't have any effect on my health but puts a rhesus positive baby at risk. My immune system attacks the baby which can leave it anaemic.

Fallen angel

There was a very positive article in yesterday's Guardian that you might be interested to read, describing the results of scientific research into the wellbeing of children conceived using donated sperm.

I can't do the link thing but you should be able to find it on www.guardianunlimited.co.uk (search for 'donated sperm'

Can I ask why it is difficult to seek your GP's assistance?

M x

Didn't mean to wink!

Fallenangel, you do have to go through your gp if you want an NHS referral, and I have no idea how easy it is to get one. But you can refer yourself to a private clinic if that's something you can afford (it's not cheap, and of course it costs more the longer it takes you to get pregnant. But it can't be half as expensive as actually raising the little darlings....).

Take a look at www.pinkparents.org.uk, there is a lot of info there about getting pregnant via donors, whether privately or through a clinic - the site is mainly for lesbian parents and lesbians planning to become mothers, but obviously it's relevant to all women trying to get pregnant outside a relationship with a man.

FallenAngel, have you explored all the other options available to you? Like adoption for instance, there are plenty of unwanted children out there who would love a loving family. Single parents are not discriminated against now either. Or you could foster, if you specify you wish to foster babies and toddlers only because of your young family, you could be caring for heaps of babies!

If you do go through with donor insemination, have you thought about how your baby will turn out? I married my dh because I saw how kind, loving, patient, laid back and gentle he was. My dd has inherited these characteristics from him and this in turn makes me love her and him more. All you would know about the father is his basic appearance details and his medical conditions, you would know nothing about his sexual preferences, his nature, his intelligence, his bad habits, nothing. This is quite a risk to take.

I know there are lots of single parents out there, but the majority of them are single not through choice but circumstances. I think most people would agree that having a father figure around for the children is very important, it helps stabilise a family, teaches the children about relationships and love. I grew up without a father figure and for most of my life I went around looking for this figure, dating men more than half my age sometimes. It wasn't a husband I wanted, it was a father. Luckily a series of counsellors helped me to see this and set me on the right tracks.

I would urge you to think again and to talk about this with a third party who could give you unbiased and sound advice. I have also read worrying articles about children conceived in this way who are desperate to find their fathers, but due to restrictions in donor banks, are unable to ever locate them. In females especially this seems to cause great heartache.

thanks mopsy for posting the link - its nice to read something positive about this for a change

my gp is great in many ways but i feel uncomfortable seeing him about this. he has been my gp for years, and is also gp to my parents. i know he cannot discuss my situation with anyone else, but that still concerns me. also when i saw him about my first pregnancy at 17 he made it very clear that he thought i was absolutely crazy to go ahead.

i would also like to avoid clinics as from what ive read it generally involves being inseminated at the clinic. i would rather do a home insemination so that i can be in control of the situation, i guess.

also thank you zoya, i havent checked out the link yet but will do so.

rhubarb. adoption and fostering are things i have thought about and would be keen to do in the future, but i dont think id be allowed right now if only for reasons of space. and really its the whole yearning for another baby thing. i want to have another baby of my own and maybe adopt or foster later as my own family grows up.

as far as your comments about character, this is interesting. i think that anyone who is willing to donate sperm to help someine have children is not going to be a monster. and its a balance between nature and nurture, isn't it?

PamT

I have to say that my first thoughts were CSA and what do I do in 18 years if I open the door and someone standing their says 'your my daddy, you donate some sperm'.

If there wasn't that worry then I think more men would be even more silly about the risks they take because there was no comeback.

Saying that though if I was single or had DW's permission and a female freind desperately wanted kids and I could offer her the help I would consider it. I would have to think long and hard about it though and the reasons behind why they wanted the child(ren). I'd also want some sort of legal document to protect me from the CSA in case of problems later.

As for seeing any children born this way after they have been born, I think that is where there would be some problems. If they wanted to find their daddy and he is happily secure in his current situation and does not want to know then it could be soul destroying.

FallenAngel2002

I do understand about people wanting big families, my father wanted 10 or more of us. Why do you want there to be 3 or 4 of them though? And I have to ask the question as it came up on another thread some time ago, how do you plan on supporting them?

That is my biggest concern, what Simon has said about them wanting to track down their father. Adoption is nothing new to me, my 2 brothers have been adopted, my sister adopted her 2 kids, my 2 friends have been adopted.... One of my friends recently found his birth mother and he was overjoyed, but also heartbroken when she admitted that he was the result of a one-night stand and the chances of finding his father was nil - mind you he said his name was Rod, was drummer in a band, and had a broken arm - someone must know something!! Anyhow, this mate was deeply upset and would not give up the search for his father, he is still looking now. Every time he hears the name Rod he looks up, wondering if that could be his father, every aged drummer he sees, and so on. I don't think it extends to everyone with a broken arm though!!

My point is that with donor insemination there is no chance of tracing the father. What a legacy to give your child! You want a baby, but are your reasons just selfish ones? Most people do try to give a child two parents who love it, you are choosing to give your child only one, your child has no choice in this. You could regret this when said child reaches teens, you could be digging your own grave so to speak. What right do you have to take a father away from a child? Don't take all this too personally, I'm only warning you what might happen in the future if you go ahead with this, you must be prepared for the questions that child will ask, and the possible reactions you will get.

simon howard
the csa is not an issue. i wouldnt turn the csa on someone who had been kind enough to help me.

"Why do you want there to be 3 or 4 of them though?"
i would love more than 4, but think it is probably unrealistic to hope for more.

"And I have to ask the question as it came up on another thread some time ago, how do you plan on supporting them?"
obviously this is a perfectly reasonable question to ask, but not one that i am going to answer as i fear it might identify me from comments made in the past. suffice to say that they would be supported by myself.

beleive me rhubarb i have had much worse comments...

"That is my biggest concern, what Simon has said about them wanting to track down their father."

many donors are willing to donate on a basis of tracibility.

"You want a baby, but are your reasons just selfish ones?"

can any one of you honestly say that your reasons for having a child were unselfish? ARE there any unselfish reasons for having children???

"Most people do try to give a child two parents who love it,"
two parents are not necessarily the best option. better one parent who is loving and committed than two who abuse/neglect or just generally dont care. many people with one parent have wonderful, happy and fulfilled childhoods/lives. many with two parents are miserable, unloved and unhappy. two parents are not a guarantee of anything.

"your child has no choice in this."

no child ever has a say in the situation of their conception. how many times did you ever say to your parents "i never asked to be born..."

FallenAngel2202

It sounds like you have thought this through and considered everything a lot.

I'm still not sure about the CSA bit, I know you say now that there will be no comeback but unless the donor didn't tell you his name and details there would always be a lingering doubt in the back of the guys mind that say the CSA may knock on that door anytime.

How many would you love to have then? 6+?

FallenAngel, I don't mean to sound condemning, but I just don't think it is a good idea. You are right when you say that not all relationships work out and so many women are left single parents, but they did not choose to be that way. Also, at least their babies know their fathers, whether their fathers are wife-beaters, or don't give a damn about their kids, at least they know who they are.

I really do think you should talk to some women who have already done this and children who have been brought up in this way. You do seem to know your own mind and have everything covered, but please do find out how other families have coped before committing yourself. You do need to be prepared in case your child one day asks who his/her daddy is, as you will never be able to tell them.

simonhoward - i have thought about this very carefully, its not the sort of thing you enter into lightly.

i would like to have lots of children. i love kids and would love to be surrounded by them. a housefull. 8? 10?? 12??? just to keep having babies until it feels right to stop (or my reproductive organs give up the ghost )