Can anyone help me?

[fallenangel2002]

I know this isn't the usual sort of message that is posted on here but I'm desperate and thought that someone might be able to help.

I am single and desperate to have a baby. I am registered with a sperm bank in the US but have my reservations about proceding. It seems it would be so much more straightforward if I could do the whole thing in this country.

So I am looking for a young, healthy male who would be able to act as a sperm donor. The only real requirement is that he is RHESUS NEGATIVE and prepared to undergo blood tests. There would be no strings attached and following a successful insemination, no further contact would be required, except potentially another donation in a couple of years. All expenses would be my own reponsibility.

If you, or anyone you know, might be able to help please email me - [email protected]

Thank you in advance

rhubarb, you, like anyone else, are entitiled to your opinion.

"I just don't think it is a good idea."
its very easy to think like this from the basis of a secure and happy relationship (and i assume you are to be making the judgments you have). i love children so desperately, and the need to have babies is overwhelming (and has been since the age of 14). i know this is not the ideal way to have a family, but im not prepared to sit back and wait for everything to fall into place, because that might never happen. selfish maybe, but as ive said before, i dont think there are unselfish reasons for having children. and at least my children know they were very much wanted and loved unconditionally.

i dont think a father is everything, and i dont agree with this comment...

"whether their fathers are wife-beaters, or don't give a damn about their kids, at least they know who they are."

would you really prefer a child to be brought up in a family where his father beats his mother and doesnt give a s**t about him, than a secure and loving home environment, where there happens not to be a father around?

Does this "knowing-where-you-come-from-at-any-cost" attitude extend to adoption???

12 of them?

Starting your own football team?

Rhubarb

I'd just like to pick up on your comment about single mothers not choosing 'to be that way'the implication being that we are helpless victims. The presence of one or more children does not guarantee the success of a relationship - indeed it brings phenomenal strains and pressures - and does not mean that a couple should not choose to end it if it is no longer healthy. I know of many women, myself included, who have created a better child-raising environment through having the courage to end a relationship with a useless or abusive partner.

Many, many women choose to become single parents in various ways, as do fathers.

I feel that fallen angel is a little under attack here; she posted for practical advice and I believe that if we can't be morally supportive it is not right to jump in and criticise because we 'don't like the sound of it'.

fallenangel2002, my dad died when I was 8 so I was brought up by my mum. She made a lot of sacrifices for us and always put my sister and I before her needs. What she couldn't give us though was a daughter/father relationship. I thought it didn't matter but when I was around 16 I found that I didn't know how to relate to men. I thought that the sort of attention I received from some men was love when in fact it was just them taking advantage of my innocence and naivity. I went through several years of relationships, having sex with older men and married men just looking for a bit of fatherly love to make up for what I had missed. Now as a reasonably happily married mum I find that sex is still a problem because I used it for all the wrong reasons when I was younger. Please consider what you are doing to your children by depriving them of a male role model.

Mospy, in no way did I intend to portray single parents as victims. I stand by what I said, most single parents I know did not deliberately set out to be single parents, they have ended up that way through circumstances. No I don't think women should stay with wife-beaters, that is not what I said at all! I have come from a broken family myself and I am sorry if you think I am making judgements, I just know what hell I went through not being allowed to see my father, growing up with just my mother who had loads more kids to cope with and she fostered, so I was low on her attention list.

Ok, at the danger of sounding all judgemental again, Fallenangel, is your desire to have children at all costs something to do with your own background? Have you had counselling to find out why you need to be loved in this way? Don't answer if you don't want to, it's a very personal question.

As for adoption, yes I do believe every child has a right to know who their parents are. It is a part of their genes, their personality, their inheritance. The point I was trying to make is that even if their fathers do turn out to be rapists or murderers, the children still have a right to know who they are. Withholding this information does damage them, believe me.

Sorry I haven't given you any practical information FallenAngel, I wouldn't have a clue where to go for that kind of thing anyway. Just thought that everyone who posted on Mumsnet knew that they would also get opinions and advice. I know you don't like my opinions, I'm not asking you to, I just don't want anyone's children to feel the way I did as a child or the way my friend does not having found his own father.

listen guys, i didnt mean to start any arguments here. there are going to be people who disapprove, i can handle that, everyone is entitled to their own opinions, i havent taken offence at any of the comments made here, and im sorry if anyone else has. all i wanted was to find someone to help me out.

Changed, no father doesnt necessarily mean no father figure. my kids have a number of positive male role-models, and i feel this is preferable to a having a father who is a bad role-model.

rhubarb, if i was in a relationship and choosing to have more than the appointed 2.4 kids (or whatever it is now) would you be questioning my motivation and my emotional state?

i understand that this is not the conventional way of doing things, but i never have been very conventional in my approach.

i think that the fact that a child is loved and raised with in a secure environment is far more important than the whole nuclear family thing. lets face it, noone has the perfect family, and as i say above, better a to be surrounded by a number of diverse and positive role models, than the prescribed 2 parents who are a bad influence.

i have not put that very well, but i think you know what im getting at.

i have low-self esteem. i am aware of that (despite being brought up in a secure household with two wonderful parents) but i dont think that renders me incapable of making a rational decision.

youre brought up thinking this is so easy. you leave school, gat a job, meet someone, fall in love, marry and have children. but how often is life really like that? reality hits back and life isnt simple.

cant we just respect the fact that everyone is different? diversity is a good thing. life would be very dull if we were all the same.

FallenAngel2002

You have a pursuasive (sp?) arguement. I'd much rather see children brought up in a non-conventional enviroment and know that they are loved than be stuck in a family with rowing parents (or worse).

I still think that most if not all guys will be very worried about being traced though.

I have asked male friends about this sort of thing before and they were very wary of it (some of them know that ex-partners have children that might be theirs and a few have had one night stands that may have resulted in children), they do not want their current relationships being spoiled by someone turning up on the doorstep looking for daddy.

How do you plan on dealing with a teenager that wants to know who their daddy is and he has asked to be left alone?

single parent through whatever circumstanes have a hard time, how they get through i dont know and i have new found admiration after being in a situation ( through moving house) of being alone with my children for 6 months.... it was hard, but i always had hubby there to support me albe it on the phone! hence my new found admiration. however i would hate for my kids to miss out on their dad, we are very unconventional in our approach, we both work full time and hubby does most of the housework and emotionally supports us all a real lot, i would be lost without him and i just want you to think that things could be better - yes mebbe they might not - but they might!
ps.
whats with the rhesus negative thing? i dont understand

Custardo

If you look at this website it may give you some insite on the Rhesus question you posed.

psych.colorado.edu/hgss/hgssapplets/mendelian/rhmatings/Rhbloodgroup.html

simonhoward. thank you
as with every parenting situation, you deal with things as they arise. generally you cant plan these them.

custardo.
ive been single from the start, so im used to it. when youre used to having someone there it is very much harder to cope alone. im not saying is easy, but were very happy. i spend most of my day laughing and playing with my children. theres nothing i enjoy more than spending time with my children. they make me happy - they are my reason for living.

did the link that simonhoward posted, answer your questions? if not ask again and ill explain as well as i can.

As the child of a single parent (my mother died when I was 8), I have to say that having only one parent leaves a huge gap in your life, even if you do have good relationships with/role models from aunties/uncles/friends, etc.

fallenangel, I know you're here to ask information rather than get opinions, but since you seem open to some discussion as well, please can I say that I agree with much of what you post on unconventional and single parent families.

IMO, good parenting and loving, secure family relationships do not depend on two birth parents being present throughout childhood. My family background was unconventional but I was very much loved and cared for, and this mattered the most.

As for children of sperm doners feeling angst not knowing their father, yes I agree it would be a good idea to look closely at reports on this. However, not trying to belittle sperm doner children, isn't it true that any grown up children can look back at any family setup and find reasons for their adult problems. What family is perfect? What family can guaranatee a calm passage through childhood, with no death and divorce along the way? Stability, love and self esteem given by any parent - single, gay, step or birth - in childhood surely is the best way of overcoming overcome adult angst.

Fallenangel, my very real worries for you would be to do with the practicalities of bringing your children up alone - both in time and money. Since you do not want to go into detail about this on the internet, I won't say more but wish you luck.

hear hear tigermoth.

xausted, i dont presume to imagine what you must have gone through losing your mother at such a young age, but i would suggest that this is a different situation. you lost a central part of your existance at a very impressionable age. i think this is a world away from growing up in a situation where this figure has never been present.

tigermoth, mopsy and sobernow, thank you so much for your lovely comments. im finding this route tough, and coming across lots of dead ends, its emotionally draining. it makes such a real difference to me to hear such kind and supportive comments. thank you all so much

FallenAngel2002

I was discussing your dilema with some male friends and one of the questions that came up is whether or not the donation of sperm would be done at a clinic or would it be a direct donation.

It seems that this is a question that I hadn't considered to be an issue but it looks like it could be one.

SimonHoward, did you never watch the turkey baster scenes on Brookside? I have also seen a TV programme about a lesbian couple who had their sperm shipped in by a man on a bike carrying a syringe full under his arm. In the days when I had a paid job, one of the girls' husbands was a sperm donor. He could produce at home but had to keep the sperm warm and get it to the clinic in a certain time. Imagine if you got knocked down, its all very well wearing clean undies but how would you explain that?!

FallenAngel2002,

You sound just like a friend I know. Infact I was thinking you were her but I am sure she would have told me! She has always been desperate to get married and have children but has not met the right guy.
She is now 39, has a well paid job and had been banking 'maternity money'for a couple of years. She talked to some of her male friends but they didn't want to become involved incase they were forced to give financial support to a baby they themselves didn't want. She had investigated infertility clinics and had found one that treated single women.We even toyed with the idea of my dh donating sperm but he and I both decided we could not imagine a child of his that wasn't 'ours'.
Last year though she had a complete change of heart and has decided not to procede down that route. She researched more about children conceived this way and found that there can be huge psychological problems for these children. There was a programme on TV about it as well.
She says that the overwhelming urge is beginning to leave her. Perhaps also her hormones are waning - I don't know.
Anyway, I could ask her what the name of the clinic was that treats single women was if you are interested.

PamT

I heard about Turkey Basters but was more concerned over the possible reactions the donor might have to either being in some official records or having to perform almost on demand so that the Turkey Baster could be used, or even delivering straight to source the normal way.

It's not just the possible mechanics that are the problem either.

I would think most men with partners would get their partners blessing a lot easier if they were donating at a clinic than producing on demand and nipping round with a warm pot of semen in their pocket or anything else more personal.

Well FallenAngel, your mind seems set and you have obviously thought everything through. I might not agree with some of your arguments, but then I'm sure you don't agree with a lot of mine! So I will not try to dissuade you further. Just wanted to say that whatever happens I hope you and your children are happy. You never know, you might find that Mr.Right one day who will be a father to all of your children!

Good luck for the future. X

simonhoward, i want to have a home insemination - yeah, the stereotypical turkey baster thing (although im told a syringe is better)

have been offered a "straight to source" donation but im not prepared to do that with a complete stranger (dont know what the difference is with one night stands, but it does seem different). i find it quite sickening that a man would choose to take advantage of a vulnerable woman in this way....

bt anyway...

mears, im not your friend, im a good few years of 39 yet!

"Anyway, I could ask her what the name of the clinic was that treats single women was if you are interested."

thanks for the offer, but i think i have quite a comprehensive list i dont really want to go the clinic route if i can avoid it. not sure how to explain, but it all seems so impersonal this way, and i want to retain control of the process which i dont think can be done in a clinic.

was coming round to the idea of just going out and finding a bloke off the street (ie 1 night stand) but then read a scary article about the risks of my condition and decided that i couldnt take that sort of risk with a child i want so badly. why does life have to be so complicated???

rhubarb, thank you so much for your kind words. i think this is one of those "agree to differ" situations. im glad that we can be adult about it and that there is no bad feelings

best wishes to you and your family