Anyone know anything about voluntary work for someone recovering from a nervous breakdown?

[Eulalia]

A bit of background - dh's daughter age 28 arrived off the coach from London last week to visit us. She was missing for 2 days and was found wandering Aberdeen. She was in hospital for a couple of days and is now in a psychiatric hospital.

She had a breakdown 2 years ago due to herpex simplex encephalitis due to mainly taking drugs and not looking after herself. She recovered after several months and went back to work. Since then she seemed fine (we saw her 3 months ago) but then phoned a few weeks ago to say she'd left her boyfriend. Then boyfriend phoned asking if she'd got here ok. We didn't even know she was coming. Basically she's chucked everything in and come here as some kind of refuge. She doesn't seem to have had a relapse from the illness (ie the physical illess) but has had some sort of breakdown again.

Anyway dh and I feel we can only offer limited support as we had her living with us 10 years ago and it didn;t work out. Now she is an adult person she needs to sort her own life out. One option we felt may benefit her was to do some voluntary work. However I don't know if these organisations would take her on knowing her history. Anyone know anything about this? I think abroad would be best as it would just be a complete break for her and maybe for a few months or even up to a year? I've looked at the VSO website but I feel they are looking at stable competent people. Also some of the mental health organisations tend to focus on very poorly skilled people. She is well skilled, has a HND and has just been working in tele-sales and doing well at it.

Many thanks.

You aren't just trying to put a lot of distance between yourself and step-dd are you?
I think CPN's or occupational therapists are usually good sources of advice when they feel someone is ready for voluntary work. And OTs are good at tailoring this to the individual ? if your step-dd has an OT speak to them, if not see if she can get a referral.
Abroad might get her out of your hair but not necessarily the best place for her; what if she has a relapse? Will insurance cover medical bills (probably not)? Will she know her way round other countries medical systems? Do you know what foreign countries provide in terms of care for people with mental health problems? VSO operates mainly in developing countries which may not have good mental health care. And it's really unfair to dump someone with problems on them. Really don't think it's a sensible option. Get her an OT as the first step to regaining independence.

Thanks pamina3. edam - its quite a long story really but she has lived with us before and she just didn't settle. The other option is to go back to London but there are problems with her mother and as I say she is split from her boyfriend so is homeless. dh and I have 2 young kids (one is autistic) and are currently living in a half renovated house with only one bedroom. we feel we can't give her proper support. Not trying to get rid of her honest its just that she expressed a wish to go abroad a few months back. she had been to India and talked about giong back. OK it was only for a holiday and I know it is a big difference working somewhere. what we had in mind was a scheme where she was with a lot of other people like herself so she could relate to them and provide support if she needed it. Obviously we don't intend her to go untill her mental state was much more improved than it is now.

dh has spent 10 years trying to work out her problems and she's not cooperative. We think she'd be better getting counselling from a 3rd party and then making a fresh break away from it all so to speak.

oh Eulalia, what a lot to land on your plate. I can see there's a lot of history here in your three paragraph story.

FWIW, in your position, my first instinct would be see what the medics currently caring for your stepdaughter have to advise. As you say, I don't think you can make many plans till she is out of hospital, but you can do some groundwork. Is a halfway house a possibility rather than her coming back to yours? I think you need to tell the hospital your family situation - from one-bedroom accommodation to autistic son - asap. And lay it on thick if necessary - they must see that the option of this 28 year old coming to stay with you is not a good one. Get them looking around for other options.

I also think you could consider contacting her ex boyfriend. I don't know who split with who, but that's not the whole story. As I'm sure you suspect, you don't know exactly what's been going on in her life in london. How many 28 year olds are really open with their parents anyway? I know I wasn't. In most cases of course it would be her business, but since she is ill, homeless and sees your place as a refuge, I think you must find out as much as you can, so you can accurately assess the situation in order to help her. If her boyfriend won't tell you, can you ask any of her London friends? Knowing how her life has been this past year or two might help you see if she if up to doing voluntary work abroad - you say she recoverd from her first breakdown, and seemed fine for a couple of years. I think you need to know how she was functioning day to day.

Pamina3's suggestion sounds ace. I hope her dh can give you some sound advice.

FWIW I would liase with the people treating her now to find a safe palce for her to be but close to her dad as she feels she needs him now I would also talk to them about treatment/rehabilitation mentioning that your house is not suitable for her because there is no privacy for her etc. It would I think it would be unwise to pack her off abroad and may in the long term cause you more problems

wow oyu guys < makes mantal note to come and read all this later>

Her ex-boyfriend has been brilliant and is in contact every day. I wonder if they may get back together again. I think a half-way house/sheltered accommodation is available but its after that that is the problem.

I don't know if even being close to her dad is the right thing - most of the problems are with her mother and she needs to address them rather than running away from her. As I said she lived with us 10 years ago for 18 months and it was very difficult. She seemed to revert to child mode and was with us ALL the time. I mean we'd be sitting up till midnight watching a film and she'd not go to bed and give us privacy. When she was with us all we did was talk about her problems and how she was going to sort herself out.... blah ... blah I just got sick of the sight of her and talking about her. Things got better as she would just come up for short holidays after that but still lots of 3am discussions about what she was going to do with her life....

Now she is about a third of the way through her life and she's still not settled to anything. She has gone from wanting to be a nurse, firefighter, psychiatrist, speech and language therapist and latterly a doctor. Despite dh saying she is too late to train she goes and enrols at college to get the necessary qualifications. Then drops out half way through...

dh says he isn't keen to discuss his marriage break up with her (which I think is the major trauma in her life). I don't know if this is the right thing or not. I think he feels he's tried with her and its not worked so something/somebody else may work better.

Abroad may be too much just now I realise but voluntary work in the UK may be an option and we'd like to be armed with the facts before we present the case to her.

sorry I am just ranting now...

Thanks pamina - I didn't see your post. The support group sounds like a good idea. Thanks for all your efforts I think I for one, (can't speak for dh) is tired out as I've not had a break in 5 years since I had ds and I know I haven't got the patience to cope with something like this at the moment.

Eulalia it sounds as if your sdd has many problems which could stem from a need to belong somewher she has obviously been affected by the breakdown of her parents marriage and this ahs possible been made worse by people not discussing it with her. She may have a unrealistic view of what happenned and why and this has coloured her relationship with both her mum and dad. I understand you have other problems/issues in your life but why ca't dh talk to her about it or maybe arrange soemform of family counsellingas it sounds from what you say taht she is trapped in feelings she can not escape and these are preventing her from growing up. From experience this is not a nice place to be and you often arrive there through things happenning that you have no control over. Toescape she needs to be helpe to work though the inital problem (divorce)and learn to love herself again I think your Dh holds the key to her recover but he may have to face a painful /difficult situation in order to help her.

Thanks for the link pamina. gothicmama - I have talked about the situation to his daughter when she lived with us and I didn't get the impression she was confused in any way. She seemed to understand that the break was necessary. The problem stems from the way she was brought up, ie taken 500 miles away when she was 7 with her two younger brothers and kind of forced to be an adult of the family. Her mum has spent most of her life being ill and depressed and taken drugs etc (not quite bad enough for the kids to be taken away though). She had a very suffocating upbringing and her mum leaned on her emotionally. My dh wasn't even around, as I say he was 500 miles away so I don't see how he can help. He has talked to her about relationships in the past (he had a bad one with his mother) but I wonder if he was a bit obscure (tends to be like that!) and if she really got the message. Obviously if she has anything unresolved I'd like them to work it out but I think its the mum thats the problem. Apparently she's been giving her mum a lot of her wages for a few months now. Her mum thinks her children 'owe her' because she brought them up on her own. Not even strictly true because the mums dad supported them financially! Basically daughter just doesn't know how to say no.

Eulalia it makes a bit more sense now I do genuinely think soemthing has happenned in her past which is preventing her moving on adn it does appear from your last post it is something to do with her mum (is she copying her mums behaviour) It is possibl ebecause her mum had help from her dad she thinks automatically that her dad can solve her problems. It is a very hard one I know from experience how damaging upset from child hood can be how it leads to drink/drugs but i have also come out the otherside and am building a new life for myself I feel as if in someways I am doing what I should have done in my eary twenties now but emotionally could not -hope you all find your way

eulalia, reading your recent messages, it sounds that this problem has more and more facets. At least your husband's dd has a supportive ex boyfriend, and she is open about talking through her problems (even if this hasn't lead to solving them so far). It sounds like she would also be open to the idea of nominating your dh to talk to the hospital about her treatment.

If you do find a place for her to make a fresh start away from you, I guess you can say to her the reason is that she needs a complete break from her mother,not that she can't stay with you, so it won't seem like you are rejecting her in any way.

I also think it would help to separate the fact that she had no settled life at 28 years old from the fact that she has some mental health problems. I hope that not too obvious a statement. I just don't think you should take it on yourself to worry about her career plans on top of everything else. I remember when I was in my late twenties, living in London, I knew lots of people who had no settled careers, relationships, homes etc, people who chopped and changed their jobs a lot. They had no history of mental health problems either then or now. I had only just started on my career when I was 27 years old. I remember having lots of conversations with my friends about what to do with our lives, where we should live etc etc. And most of those friends did settle happily in the end. Arguably their prolongued efforts in finding their chosen path added to their self knowledge and maturity, though that wasn't so apparent at the time.

I suppose I'm saying you can help find her a place to stay when she is better, but the sorting out the rest of her life is IMO not something you should take on.

gothicmama - thanks for your insight. Its always interesting to hear from someone who has been through these kinds of problems also.

tigermoth - yes I do think we are trying too hard at the moment to do everything. However dh is a bit worried about her track record and how it looks to potential employers as its not even complete bits of chopping and changing IFYWIM. She has done like one year at Uni, then half an OU course, then half a college course, and in between not worked at all or done gardening jobs. the only time she worked and studied consistently was when she was living with us. Her mother got in the way of her studies when she was at school. The youngest brother fared even worse and the mum used to keep him off school just to keep her company!

Anyway I saw her today and she looked pretty awful and she'll probably be in hospital for a few weeks yet. She could come and stay here at weekends and go to hospital during the week. I think I could cope with that, just don't feel I could take her on 24/7. It was pretty hard visiting just for 20 mins with the children. Also dh thinks its not fair on the children to have her around all the time. It must be hard for him to feel torn between his two families but at the end of the day he feels that he needs to spend time with us and that his daughter will want her own place anyway and maybe to even go back to the boyfriend or obviously get another one.

I do feel she needs to face her mother at some point and running away isn't solving things. She needs to change the relationship she has with her, not just avoid her.

eulalia, if your husband's dd is going to be in hospital for some weeks, will that mean her mother can visit her? would it be possible for her mother to talk to the doctors there? Do you think that would do any good?

If the relationship beteen these two women is very bad, at the very least it might make things clearer to the doctors if they see both together?

You say she needs to work our her relationship
with her mother, and also that you have tried all you can with her and have reached a full stop. Really then all you can do it try and get these two women together and get the doctors focussing how to help them both.

If you just step back, refuse to provide a refuge for your husband's dd, then she would have to go to her mother (and work something out) or find a job and home of her own once she is better. Not knowing anything, I don't know if this would work, but it seems a logical thing to consider.

Unlikely that her mum will come here as she never has any money. Also she has nowhere to stay (remember we are 500 miles away). Unless she has the cheek to turn up on our doorstep!

Her mum is awful really, no principles, sponges off her kids, doesn't work, smokes too much etc... but it is the only mum she has which is why I think they do need to work something out. But it is a case of daughter laying down the law, ie I will visit you but you can't keep asking me for money, I've got my own life to live. Trouble is daughter doesn't know how to say no and just hands it over...

I don't think the doctors here would take the mum seriously as she isn't acting in her daughter's best interests.

what a mess! Would it do any good offering to put the mum up and pay for a coach ticket?

Perhaps seeing her daughter ill in hospital might shock the mother into giving her daughter more support (or expecing less support from her dd). If the doctors do talk to her, this might do some good? I don't know. Perhaps the mother has conveniently chosen to think her daughter is doing very well in London, streets paved with gold, huge London salary, money to spare etc and she needs a reality check?

If your dh's daughter is building a good relationship with the hosptial staff and is beginning to trust them to heal her, seeing them tackle her mother in person, give contrasting views to her mother, might help your daughter break away from her mother's influence.

Also, if the mother can't be bothered to visit despite your offers of money and accommodation, this could be something to tell her daughter at some point. If she feels angry and disappointed in her mother, this could be a good thing if the daughter is being too soft. It could harden her resolve to say 'no' to her mother's demands and move on.

I could be far off the mark here, but I'm trying to throw in suggestions. I am sure you and your dh have spent many long hours talking this over

Eulalia - thinking of you

Eulalia - sorry you are facing such a difficult situation. Definitely agree with other posters that you have far too much on your plate (and inappropriate accommodation) to have sdd stay with you. As regards sdd's mother - have you/DH had the chance to talk to the hospital staff as to whether she is ready to deal with her mother/whether they would recommend it? it would probably be beneficial for her to have some form of CBT to discuss parent issues before having to face her mother again. Best of luck to you and your family

tigermoth - she would take the offer of the ticket straight away! She saw her daugther in hospital last time and she was much worse then. I don't think she has a clue that she has upset her actually. dh said that he'd bought her some clothes and his ex said "thank you very much" - seems a bit strange to say thank you to him. I analysed this and its because her mum feels that she owns her...

NO WAY would dh have his ex anywhere near us!!!

I think she has to resolve the situation with her mum down south.

Anyway seems that she may not be hopsital much longer. I am gettng concerned about where she is giong next as I don't think dh pushed our inadequate situation enough. I think I may have to go down there in tears (not so difficult to do just now)

Its making me feel depressed now. Really hit me last night. I have quite a hard life anyway and only just keeping things together

eulalia, the woman sounds impossible and if your dh won't have her in the house, then bang goes that suggestion.

I think it's a good idea to go in person to speak to the hospital staff asap. If your dh can come too, so much the better. To be honest, if you are stand firm and say you simply cannot have another person living at home, how can they force the daughter on you? If her mental state is still fagile, she is classed as 'vulnerable' surely? If that's the case, surely the hospital or local council resettlement unit must find her a suitable place to stay.

Hugs

Thanks tigermoth. I started a thread on the step-parents thread but it is a really quiet thread.

I feel I could cope with her in small doses and she'd not get in the way of family life. As I say we only have one bedroom, soon to be two which she'd have to share with ds. I'd have to go in and get ds up early and not waken her and then at night time hope she'd not waken him going to bed. Then somehow keep her occupied all day, then have her hanging around dh all evening while they discuss her problems. I'd not get a second to him myself. It is like that when she visits on holiday as she doesn't really have any interests, won't go for a walk on her own etc. LIke I say holidays are OK but on a semi-permanent basis....

sorry I am just rambling really, going over old ground but it helps to get it off my chest.

The way you describe it, I can certainly see why you can only cope with this daughter in small doses. If she won't even go for a walk by herself, you're bound to feel crowded after a very short time in her company. You just cannot do it.

It's not as if you haven't lived with her after all. She stayed 18 months, so you know exactly what you are in for. When she lived with you 10 years ago, you didn't have children either. Really, I cannot see how you can give this woman a home, unless it's a very short term one.

I do hope the hospital realise all this. Do they know the background story?

It might also be worth asking your local council about their housing policy. If this daughter is declared officialy homeless, the council may well have a duty to rehouse her, if they can accept your locality is now 'home' for her. Even if she stays with you temporarily, she can still be classed as officialy homeless (ie you will not give her a permanent home) and can be on the housing list till she is rehoused.

I hope other mumsnetters post with more advice for you - really sorry you are having to worry about all this.

Thanks tigermoth. Yes she would get council housing if classed as homeless but it would be in the worst area of the city where all the drug addicts etc hang out.

I went onto the council website today and found a list of mental health organisations. Very useful. There is a housing organisation which I am going to phone and also various advice/drop in centres which would be ideal for her.

Thanks again for your advice.