Been reported to Social services... shocked/stunned etc etc

[windypops]

I know there are some wise people on mumsnet, just wanted some advice and assurance really.

Ok to cut a long story short, my ds and I had been having issues with pre-school, there was a thread a while back about my son been put on assessment for his behaviour, basically he was a good boy outside of school, but while at pre-school he was totally different ~ all the while DH and I insisting they were too soft on him. They even went as far as getting his assessed as the thought it might have some difficulties, his spatial awareness was assessed and turned out nothing wrong and in fact bright and needs to be stimulated more as getting bored. I even got to a stage where I had observed the pre-school routine and wrote notes and suggestions to them as to why my ds would be taking the mickey (ie not disiplining him, if ds was being distruptive, they moved the child next to him) and things like that.

About 6/8 weeks ago I noticed that DS had 2 identical bruises on each side, asking him about this he said that someone at pre-school had pinched him (I took photos of them and wrote a letter to the pre-school with my concerns) I tried to find out who had done them and after asking several (hundred times) ds came up with a name, when it was investigated at the pre-school the name ds had given was a boy who had been away on holiday, when I asked DS about this he then said it was another boy who was one of his best friends, he said he was playing with him and he kept pulling him about (to me the buises looked like he had been pinched/pulled as there was a smaller one to indicate a thumb print), I gave the pre-school the new information who was aware that these 2 were friends but often came to blows, but wasn't prepared to take it that seriously (and i agreed) because ds had previously name another person.

Then 3 weeks ago whilst we were all on holiday ds played with this 6 year old girl who was very bossy and my ds is very independent and didn't want to play, we often caught her pulling him about and jabbing him while playing, they were quite friendly mainly, but ds came to us and said she does this and I dont like it (jabbing and tickling the side) days later we noticed very similar bruises and on return to pre-school when asked did he have a good time he said 'yes' i met a friend who did this (pulled up his top) and showed them. When I collect ds from school she asked if she could have a word and said that ds had said had done this and she is always doing it, I told them that he had only met on holiday and could not have been responsible for the other bruises. this I thought was the end of it. Then 10 days later I dropped ds at school this morning and they asked if they could have a word, where they informed me that they had reported me to social services, I was and still am totally shocked, so I got my Ds and took him home, I was about to burst into tears and wanted my ds with me.

I was advised my a friend to take DS to the doctors and speak to health visitor which I have done, both known me for ages and feel it will just go away.

When I got back there was a message on the answerphone asking me to call social services, my friend turned up, then 20 mins later there was a knock at the door and it was social services who came in and interviewed me, they then asked ds a few questions. They were really nice and explained that they had to follow us any reports of it.

I am just suprised that they came out so quickly. I now have to wait for her to report to her boss who will then decide if further action needs to be taken.

To top it off I have DH who is fuming (quite rightly) he feels they are doing this because I reported them for the bruises that ds had whilst in there care, not to mention the letter telling them where they were going wrong, and being bullied into the committee only to say i couldn't do it a week later, he feels retalitory.

I just wanted to vent really and ask if anyone had expereinced this or can offer advice.

I dont actually smack ds I have not for at least a year, I find star charts and sitting on the stairs a far better way to behave.

Might also add that when his behaviour started being bad a school was around the time I was unwell and he saw me collapse on the floor hemorraghing and rushed to hispital.

Sorry for going on so long.

Just wanted to add that I'm 99.9% sure that part of the Child Protection procedures for childcarers states that SS can be contacted without knowledge of the parents. However, you should have been informed by the nursery/preschool of their actions, rather than SS knocking on your door.

When DS1 was a baby, I fell on the stairs, dropping him and ended up taking him to A&E for a check-up. Although he was fine (and the doctor spent most of the time calming me down!) I automatically received phone calls from the HV and GP to check up on what happened.

Blimey, just catching up on recent events and saw your post. So pleased it was over before it really got started, but OMG! What are you going to do about the school, will you continue with them?

Ds has 5 days left. I thought keeping him off was best for me and not him, and half the class will be going to another school, and also I wanted walk in there head held high as we had done nothing wrong. Have started another thread ~ about contact ofsted.
Thanks for everyone who took the time to post.

windypops - just wanted to say that I'm glad all this got sorted out, i would be petrified at the thought of being reported to SS but I agree with others that it is better that way and so they protect children truely in danger. My MIL is a social worker and she is lovely, very kind, lots of common sense. I guess we only ever hear negative reports about SS in the media.

oh windypops,

I'm sorry I cna't ofer anya dvice...only my support...never been in a similar situation, but it does seem to me that the school has acted a bit too promptly on this one, two incidents do not seem enough to call social services!

It does sound very weird and I can thoroughly understand how shocked you must be. I know a few small boys whoa re always covered in bruises because of all the rough and tumble they do!

I can only hope for you that they realise this is a gross mistake and everything will be soon over.

Best of luck!

oh windypops i'm so sorry for you, your dh and ds ... have no wise words and no experience of social services procedures ... what did the ss say, how did they leave it? I understand that all pre-schools, etc have policies to follow, but by what you've said, they are completely out-of-order! hopefully another mumsnetter will be along soon and have the right advice as to what to do now. lmbx

omg you poor thing. I have no experience of anything like this, but thinking of you. Surely it will help your 'case' that you have photographic evidence that you raised the bruises as an issue, and were in no way trying to hide them. Really sorry I can;t offer any words of wisdom, but hope someone else can.

Yuo poor thing I just don't know what to say.I agree with your dh though I think they are doing this because you came down heavy on them.Pehaps they may have thought that he might have come home to you and said that the last bruises had happened at shool too and they are trying to cover themselves.could you not move him to another pre school? the only thing I would of suggested was getting your health visitor invoved and you have already done that.Your ds could be making a big thing of this because he is getting such a reaction from you and others.My ds used to come home with brusies and a bite once at pre school he would never know the names of who done it because at that age I think they don't know or can't remember other childrens names.They just say the first one that comes into their heads or name the ones that they can remember so thats probaly why he might of named someone that was on holiday (not that he was lying)I hope it works out.glad you have got your health visitor on your side.I would move him to another pre school for sure.

Windypops this sounds very very distressing for you, and I am so sorry.
I suppose I think of it as social services being there, first and foremost, to make sure that children are not at risk. And nurseries probably have blanket policies which trigger actions, and are not specifically targetted at you. There is no 'case' - SS will just be checking that your DS is not, indeed, 'at risk'. Could you calmly ask the nursery to explain their policy? tell them that you are sure that they understand how stressful it is for you, and it would be helpful for you to know.
Did the SS person say when they would get back to you? It might help to have a list of any questions you would like to ask them. Such as does this remain on record, what is the staus of a routine 'checking' visit, and you never know - it might be actually HELPFUL to have someone from SS talk you through the issues you have been having with pre-school and see if you can get any form of help from them. (But have no idea whether that would be appropriate or possible).
basically, try not to take it TOO personally - horrible for you, but it's good that they follow things up quickly, isn't it? Think if it WAS a poor little mite in trouble!
Take care, and sorry you are having to deal with this.

A very similar thing happened to a friend of mine about fifteen years ago, when her DD went to school with a nosebleed and they called SS. Co-incidentally, my friend had complained about her DS not being able to read and write even though he was nine years old, and is to this day convinced that they called SS (who came and wondered why their time was being wasted) in order to shut her up. And it worked - she never complained about the low educational standards again.

If I were you, I would take your DS out of this pre-school, calling the SS on you on such small evidence is a hostile act and I wouldn't send my child into the orbit of people I felt to be hostile to me.

Don't worry about SS - it is highly unlikely that this will be taken any further, they have serious cases of real abuse to deal with, and if they are properly trained, they should be able to tell the difference between this and abuse.

So sorry Windypops, but don't be scared. You're a good mother and these people have gone way over the top reporting you to SS without speaking to you first. Don't feel that you've done anything wrong. They have. And when this is over, I would consider a formal complaint against them. But that's just me.

Do you have a solicitor? I'd be tempted, in your shoes, to send a solicitor's letter.

Oh dear WP
What a harrowing tale.

I agree that the spre-school may be being a bit sly due to your history of disagreements. I am glad you ahve the HV on your side, they will be a great support.

However, aren't you a bit glad that social services in your area do respond so quickly, just imagine if there was a child in real peril.

I know you are still fuming as the incident is so recent but maybe you could look at it that way, we live in the London brorough that let Victoria Climbe down so badly due to the left hand not knowing what the right was doing in the social services

Windypops, how awful. Do they have a written policy on procedures to be followed in event of suspected child abuse?? If they have and haven't followed it you should complain to your local education department. Best wishes

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Do you have copies of the letter and photos that you sent with regards to your DS's bruises. I might be worth having them if SS need any further information. Would it be possible when the outcome of SS involvement is available to sit down with SS and who-ever is in charge at DS's pre-school. That way, everyone hears what they have to say.
It must be so distressing for you all to have to deal with this. Hope everything goes okay. Are you going to find another pre-school for DS?

How awful for you and how completely out of order.
My dd is always covered in bruises - she falls over, rough play in the playground, banging knees whilst playing in the park etc etc.
I would be mortified if anyone suggested this was because I was a bad parent or abusing her in any way.
IME young children are quite bad at reporting when things happen to them. They get times and dates and occasions muddled up and often "accuse" the wrong people. Dd often tells me that such and such a kid has pinched her etc and I tend to ignore it unless she's obviously hurt (more than just a little bruise) and then I ask the nursery for their POV. Often we will find that there is a child whi has pinched or bitten her once that she will then ascribe all of these incidents to.
Having said that, the nursery nearly always take the "I wasn't there I didn't see it" tack. I think nurseries are becoming increasingly wary of litigation and try to get involved as little as possible and pass the blame where they can.
I'm sure this will resolve itslef as you've obviously done nothing wrong but I have to agree with others that I would be furious with the pre-school and would want my child out of there asap.

What a terrible situation to be put in. It does sound as though reporting you to ss was a reaction to you reporting the bruising, it seems very ott.

My children bruise extremely easily, as a result of a collagen deficiency, and this has always been a concern of mine, so I make sure that schools and anyone necessary know about it. Dd1 went to school today showing me a bruise on her leg that was at least 12 inches long, and she has no idea how it happened.

Hopefully ss will see that there is no reason to worry, and it will be all done with soon, but i would be angry and upset in your position too. Very best of luck

OMG, how awful. I agree with meanbean. You poor thing.

OMG that's so awful

I bet you're gutted. I hope you follow the good advice. No way would I let him stay there

Thanks for the replies.

I have just spent the afternoon with my friend who's son goes to same pre-school (who is one the committee) she said that in the past few months her son as had a burn hand, and 2 black eyes (different occasions) yet nothing was done for her. It seems so unfair.

Ds has 1 week left of pre-school and then goes to big school. I am still unsure as to wether to sent him in for the last week, gut instinct tells me to keep him off, but its not fair on him as half his class are going to a different school. It seems funny that they have reported his with one week to go of school. Also the women who complained is the owner of the pre-school.

I am not sure wether to send him back, stuck between not wanting to look guilty.

I also forgot that as soon as I took him out of pre-school this morning the owner called SS again.

why did she call again?

i'm waiting for social services to call me, but they are crap for helping us out when u ask for help.

At the end of the day you have nothing to hide do you? This is really hard, but think of the pre-school as doing their job in protecting your child and following procedures and you have to be honset and calm with SS.

I would be as freaked out and upset as you are BTW.

This is horrible! No wonder you are upset, windypops. And thak goodness that you don't need to start finding a new pre-school for your ds. My gut-feeling is the same as yours - don't take him back. The hell with whether they think it makes you look guilty, they've obviously got their own agenda anyway and have already pre-judged you. I'm sure you won't look guilty to SS, but concerned for your son's well-being. In your position I wouldn't feel that my child was being well-looked-after in that nursery.

Ooof such things make me angry! My ds's nursery was in a bad way last year, when a member of staff was reported by an ex-member of staff for 'child abuse' - she was arrested, the nursery was investigated by the police and by SS, Ofsted came near to shutting them down, it was awful. Then the police and SS decided that it was a purely malicious report and everything sort of fizzled out.

It is important that SS investigate these reports, but they will see that it's spurious and a waste of their time.

You poor thing windpops. I really feel for you. The owner of this pre-school sounds like a vindictive cow. I'd be very tempted to contact the education authority about her!!!!