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Original poster

Advice for a *not so* blushing bride

27 replies

AnguaVonUberwald · 13/03/2007 12:17

Getting married very soon. Just wandered. What are the main lessons you have learned about how to make the marriage work/what not to put up with etc.

any advice gratefully recieved.

OP posts:
NomDePlume · 13/03/2007 12:20

Only you know what you are prepared to 'put up with', so advice on that is a bit pointless as it's such a personal thing.

Main lessons about making it work ? Erm.... never going to bed on an argument is a good one.

This is quite hard actually, I don't know why my marriage works, but it has so far.

(married 4 years)

NomDePlume · 13/03/2007 12:21

oh btw, congrats

Original poster
AnguaVonUberwald · 13/03/2007 12:23

Thanks NomDePlume, it just interesting to see why other people think their marriages worked/didn't work.

Congrats on yours

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Anna8888 · 13/03/2007 12:26

Realise from the very start that you both come with your own internalised models of how a woman and a man behave in a couple, modelled on your own parents - however much you resist this idea and think you are different to your parents, you will reproduce their model. And of course your other half will reproduce his model, and your two models will be different. And if your parents had conflicts, you will bring them with you (probably unconsciously) to your marriage.

Basically try to think of yourselves as two animals starting from scratch with absolutely no preconceived ideas about your roles other than the truly biological ones (pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding etc) and try to see each other's natural strengths and weaknesses, not the cultural conditioning you have received and which you can easily overcome if you realise it.

MrsBadger · 13/03/2007 12:28

Be prepared to be the one to say 'I'm sorry' first
not necessarily 'I'm sorry, I was wrong'
but 'I'm sorry I got so upset'

it goes a long way.

Original poster
AnguaVonUberwald · 13/03/2007 12:29

Anna8888, thats a very good point. I guess from my point of view future MIL is lovely, but so different from me that DP can't expect me to turn into her.

On the other hand, I can see that he will have a number of subconcious preconcieved notions from how she behaved.

OP posts:
massagemum · 13/03/2007 12:29

Been married for nearly 7 years - been together 12. Main reasons why ours has worked so far:

1 Didn't live together until day after got married (didn't give me the chance to change my mind!)
2 I am always in charge - no matter what.
3 I am in charge of money (all of it ie.bill, spending money, savings as he would just spend it all)
4 Always give some space if you ahve an argument so that other person can cool down.
5 Be supportive
6 Be very loving (try to always kiss and cuddle when the other least expects it)
7 Try to date as much as possible
8 romantic weekends away to rekindle the psssion!! (or at least sleep!)
9 Talk Talk Talk Talk Talk
10 You may try to train tehm to pick up their dirty washing but remember that there seems to be something ingrained in men that means that clothes belong on the floor. Much as it annoys me i have to remembr that is only a pair of jeans and a t-shirt.

Good luck - have fun and be happy.

Original poster
AnguaVonUberwald · 13/03/2007 12:32

MrsBadger - Good point. you never win a family argument by saying "I am right"

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NomDePlume · 13/03/2007 12:33

I would have to disagree pretty strongly on the lnot living together until after the event. I would HAVE to know what it is like to live with this person I intend to marry 24/7.

Anna8888 · 13/03/2007 12:33

AVU - your DP will be much more like your FIL than he is prepared to admit. Take a good hard look at your FIL and the role he has played in your PILs marriage and you will be able to identify the very probable areas of conflict.

A couple of friends of mine are going through a pretty bad patch in their marriage right now (10 years down the line). Basically there is a whole grey area of joint responsibilities that each partner thinks (pretty subconsciously) that the other should bear - and so they never get looked after and jobs just pile up and each of them gets resentful and thinks they've married a lazy slob (which is true to a certain extent) while they are a self-sacrificing hero (not true in either case).

NomDePlume · 13/03/2007 12:33

sorry, typing went awry there.

Anna8888 · 13/03/2007 12:40

Another thing - prioritise like crazy the areas where there is real serious work to be done, and don't give your other half a laundry list of all the self-improvements you want him to make but rather very gently push him in the right direction. It's slow work but it's much more effective in the long run. And if you want him to change his mind on something major, depersonalise the issue and talk about (even fictitious...) friends, articles you've read etc about the subject so that you can have general conversations and gradually win him round.

WaynettaSlob · 13/03/2007 12:42

If something really matters to you then fight for it, if it doesn't then let it go.
Men are rubbish at remembering that we like to celebrate birthdays / anniversaries etc: if you set yourself v.high expectations you will be disappointed.
Men don't 'get' our moods - we can stew for hours over some throwaway comment they made and have since forgotten about. Don't expect them to guess what's wrong with you, you need to verbalise it.

(note: in case I've offended anyone for 'men' read my DH!)

Life is too too short not to appreciate what you have now. Take time to cherish each other, and do nice things for each other. Listen to each other, but make sure you give each other space. You will both be learning how to become a DH/DW so be patient.

End enjoy!

massagemum · 13/03/2007 12:47

Well the not living together first has worked for us!!

I think everybody is different and i was only young so there we go!!

Original poster
AnguaVonUberwald · 13/03/2007 12:49

thanks for the advice everyone.

We have lived together for about 10/11 months now, and I have to say it worked for me, I would have been terrified to marry someone who I didn't know I could live with.

But each to their own.

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massagemum · 13/03/2007 12:52

Well we were together for about 5 years before we got married when i was 21 and i stayed at his parents some weekends with him. But the time never seemed right before and then money was eaten up by the wedding and saving for the mortgage etc!!

We got our house about 6 weeks before the wedding and by thn there didn't seem much point. Much better him moving in and decorating before i could move in after the wedding!!

becklespeckle · 13/03/2007 12:55

I let him have his own way most of the time (usually suits me anyway!) and then when I ask do for something I usually get it!
and talk to each other about silly things as well as serious ones, laugh a lot if you can
and never go to sleep on an argument

becklespeckle · 13/03/2007 12:55

(I meant when I do ask for something I get it )

Tortington · 13/03/2007 12:59

men don't mind read. and romance is a myth for the most part. if you want a card on your birthday - tell him its your birthday and your expecting a card.

if you both work - then sorting out who is responsible for what avoids confusion and arguments.

Original poster
AnguaVonUberwald · 13/03/2007 13:41

Becklespeckle - I think ours is kind of the otherway round. It appears that I am in charge, but when he says - no, this is what I want, then he gets it.

Still, works for me.

Custardo. Its a very female thing to expect them to read our minds. I had to do that recently with a special dinner we were going out to. Explain what I wanted and why, but then he was good about organising it.

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TenaLady · 13/03/2007 13:42

Sorry, cant help you there, as Im making all the same mistakes He just seems to be more tolerant!

Original poster
AnguaVonUberwald · 13/03/2007 15:37

Tenalady - but then, maybe thats the secret!

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choosyfloosy · 13/03/2007 23:00

I read once some advice that each person should give 60% and expect 40% from their partnership. That way you are always constantly delighted and surprised that your partner is making so much effort, rather than upset because they've only managed 48% this week. I find this helpful.

Many congratulations on your marriage! I'm very pro it despite (because?) being on my second one. Last, I hope.

Original poster
AnguaVonUberwald · 15/03/2007 10:04

Choosyfloosy. That makes a lot of sense to me, and I think that relationships tend to start off like that. Its maintaining it long term thats the challenge.

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choosyfloosy · 15/03/2007 10:28

Mm, too true.

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