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Original poster

advice needed from mothers with babies in special care....

38 replies

autumnlover · 03/03/2007 20:52

my baby is in special care because he was born premature. he's doing okay but things are slow.

however i'm feeling all sorts of emotions and i'm not sure if its normal or am i being unreasonable.

i dont want to speak to anyone, have only informed family and very very close friends. family are wanting to see baby and i'm wanting to say 'NO you cant yet, he's not even my baby yet'. friends are wanting to speak & meet up with me but all i'm wanting to say is go away. i just want to concentrate on getting him home first. am i'm being selfish or unreasonable??

OP posts:

misdee · 03/03/2007 20:53

neither.

but he is your baby.

how prem is he?

Original poster

autumnlover · 03/03/2007 20:56

he's 34 wks so not very premature but needs help with breathing, also has rapid breathing.

i feel like a fraud because there are babies there are alot worse. i also feel as though i havent cried properly about the whole situation.

OP posts:

slug · 03/03/2007 20:57

No you're not. But seeing your child in it's grandparents arms can make it seem more of a 'normal' situation.

I feel for you. I remember the hours of bright lights and continous beeps.

Original poster

autumnlover · 03/03/2007 20:58

we cant really cuddle him yet. still in an incubator for most of the time.

OP posts:

Marina · 03/03/2007 20:59

autumnlover, my dd spent 48 hours in special care after her birth, mostly for precautionary reasons (she wasn't prem but suffered respiratory distress after delivery)
Even for that short time I felt she wasn't mine.
Apart from taking good care of your baby ds the staff at SCBU might be good to talk to about how you are feeling. I think it's very common and completely understandable.
Wishing him continued good progress

Original poster

autumnlover · 03/03/2007 21:02

thats it, he doesnt feel like my baby yet. i wont feel that until i'm feeding him.

OP posts:

misdee · 03/03/2007 21:03

my dd3 also wasnt prem but spent 24hours in scbu. i asked them if i could hold her, they said of course you can she's yours. did i feel silly. but was told to hold her carefully as they didnt want her sicking up any feeds they put down her tube.

just concentrate on your baby, be selfish and put him and yourselves first, other people can wait.

can your friends meet you in the hospital canteen and bring you food for lunches etc?

hillary · 03/03/2007 21:03

I feel for you too honey.

My baby was very very ill in SCBU ITU.

You feel like he's not yours and you have to ask permission to do anything, everythings out of your control and its your instinct to protect.

Don't worry about friends and family you are by no means selfish! this is about you and your baby. Tell them you will contact them when you are ready.

Are you expressing? If you do it will make you feel more involved.

Big huggggs XX

JodieG1 · 03/03/2007 21:03

My dd was born at 36 weeks and had to spend almost a week in scbu. It was awful. She was born grunting and couldn't feed so was tube fed gluscose at first and then moved onto milk. She had a poor suck. I didn't really deal with it all at the time and it has only really hit me in the past year or so. I coped when it happened but have been thinking about it a lot more recently which seems odd but I think that's the way I am with most things, takes a while to hit.

She weighed 5lb 14 and a half which wasn't too bad but was very slow to put on weight and only weighed 9 lbs at 3 months old.

I think leaving hospital without her was one of the worst things, you expect to go home with a baby. Anything you're feeling will be normal and I'd just try to go with whatever you're feeling. It won't be easy at all. All the best and hope you have your baby home with you soon (hugs)

Jodie

SHOSHAlee · 03/03/2007 21:13

Honey 28 years ago, my baby was born 8 weeks early and 6.3lbs, he had all sorts of breathing difficulties, Respiratory Distress Syndrome, and was in a incubator for a month, tube fed for a while after that and was almost 3 months before he came home.

He is now a Huge Strapping rugby Player, so there is light at the end of the tunnel.

PeachyClair · 03/03/2007 21:21

Oh Hun to you

Its a good thing you're on here really chatting, owning your feeling does help reduce the chances of PND- something which can hit after SCBU / NICU admission (my sister's baby was born a 34 weeks and admitted for precautionary reasons- then couldn't feed and in NICU for a month, she has still very bad PND years after as she refused to discuss or accept there was a problem).

Can you chat to the Nurses in the unit, they're bound to know if there's a counselling service you can use to talk your feelings through. BLISS (a charity I am certain you'll have info for I hope?) could also help.

As for whether your fellings are right- well he IS your baby but its a shock you've been through so it can take a while! As for the rest- whatever gets you through, sweetheart. Friends, especially, can wait. Granny / Grandad might be worth allowing to visit as they are part of your support group too, and it would be good if they can see babe now in case you need to talk it through with them in the future: also babe and gtandparents having a good relationship is brilliant (my DS's have no contact with one Grandma as she doesn't 'do' disability, others are fab though and a real help)

Good luck XX

PeachyClair · 03/03/2007 21:23

Shosha, my Uncle was born in 1944, in a small hospital in the Welsh mountains, weighing 2.5 lbs @ 32 weeks- he also grew to be a 6' 4" rugby player !!!!! They kept him in front of the fire and fed him expressed milk by teaspoon on a rota. bit of a miracle baby!

JodieG1 · 03/03/2007 21:24

Another thing I forgot to add, I hated anyone holding her when we brought her home. Anything longer than a minute or two and I got very agitated and wanted her back, I think that was due to being apart from her as I wasn't like that with my others. Only dh or me could hold her for me to feel comfortable.

SHOSHAlee · 03/03/2007 21:24

Peachy you would have no idea now DS was so ill

PeachyClair · 03/03/2007 21:28

Bloody amazing things these babies aren't they? [grin/

eidsvold · 03/03/2007 21:32

my dd1 spent three weeks in ICU/SCBU she was born with a serious but repairable heart defect. In some ways SCBU can seem like a little cocoon. Talk to the staff about how you are feeling. I found being able to do anything - even the smallest thing for dd1 made her feel more like 'mine'.

DD1 had lots of wires, tubes etc and yet we were still able to hold her and change her nappies etc. We were also encouraged to do kangaroo care - perhaps you can ask about that also.

I do know there was a little one in when dd1 was in who was very poorly but his mum was able to hold him for just a small time as long as she held an oxygen mask near his mouth. Perhaps that is something you can ask about.

As someone else said - talking to the staff can help.

Your friends are probably wanting to support you but not know how to do it. As to the grandparents - they just want to see their wee one and to see you. When dd1 was in hospital first - my MIL and SIL came to visit and it helped we were able to show off our little one - introduce her to the relatives. Helped make it seem a little more real.

Hardest part was leaving hospital without here when I was discharged.

FWIW - dd1 had her two open heart surgeries at 8 weeks old and unless you saw her scar you would have no idea now. She is a healthy amazing 4 1/2 yo.

hillary · 03/03/2007 21:33

Yes PeachyClair's got a good point in support. You will need someone to be there for you. Its very difficult. My dd was minimal handling for months (this meant no holding or stroking) she was paralised as she was on life support, she was just like a rubber doll (she was full term by the way), I dealt with it like a machine, hurt like hell but I never let my guard down and was strong for the rest of my family who were breaking down around me.

Let them be there for you and let your feelings out, keeping them inside will do you and your baby no good.

When my baby was better she was moved into scbu's recovery room and the nurse told me to feed her & change her, I was already a mum but I couldn't handle it and ran away!

Please seek support XX

Original poster

autumnlover · 03/03/2007 21:43

i asked one of the nurses yesterday if it was cheeky for me to ask if i could hold him and she said yes - i'm sure she was only joking. but it felt awful. the nurse did let me hold him until i had to leave. it was hard putting him back. i know its best to let them sleep, but i still want to hold him.

i am expressing so that helps. just wish i could feed him myself however he probably doesnt have the energy.

i'm crying so much just writing this ...

OP posts:

flutterbee · 03/03/2007 21:43

Autumnlover -- My DS (now 15months) was born at 34.5 weeks and was admitted to SCUBU for a week.

I still can't really understand the way I felt about it but I do know that I feel I missed out on those precious first few days bonding and how difficult it was for me to even try being a Mum when my son wasn't actually mine to do what I wanted with.

I really can understand how you feel and promise it will get better, please if you need to chat just let me know and I will be happy to help anyway I can.

flutterbee at hotmail dot com

Thinking of you xxx

Original poster

autumnlover · 03/03/2007 21:50

thank you so much everyone.

i dont know what i need at the moment. just writing here is helping and giving me a chance to cry.

OP posts:

eidsvold · 03/03/2007 21:52

i expressed for 8 weeks for my dd1. She has a ng tube and due to her heart condition was unable to feed (no stregth/energy). When feeding her with the ng tube, I just snuggled her up and held her when I could and fed her so she was still having the physical contact.

eidsvold · 03/03/2007 21:55

but I found asking to do anything little thing to do with her care helped me feel more like her mother. Taking in clothes/nappies from home etc also helped.

Good on you for asking if you can hold him.

With dd1 she had a folder by her crib with notes in - made sure I took the time to read them everyday and ask about anything I did not understand or wanted to discuss with them. Felt like I was having a say in her care ( even if in reality I wasn't).

We also had a sw come and visit with us - she was lovely - just let me talk and she basically listened then let us know what support we would be entitled to when dd1 went home. BUt that impartial listening ear really helped.

Padio · 03/03/2007 22:10

Hi Autumnlover, my baby was born at 29 weeks 3lbs 8ozs ( 18 months ago) she's doing well now but like you i didn't want anyone but family to visit not even close friends it was too much hard work to try and be cheery - you're not being selfish or unreasonable go with your emotions you're allowed to feel whatever way you want - but do talk to family it really helps. We brought our daughter home at 35 weeks - I expressed for 3 months was worth it she was bottle fed tried breastfeeding and it was very difficult for her - it's hard for prem babies to suck they have alot to remember to do (like breathing and swallowing too). Just concentrate on what you want for your baby people will understand - you have to be selfish when it comes to babies - and your baby son will be just fine and so will you - just think he couldn't wait to see you so he decided to come early thinking of you x

WestCountryLass · 04/03/2007 22:17

autumnlover

My DS was also a 34 weeker, he is now 5 and a little scamp

If you are not ready for family and friends to see your baby then try not to bow to the pressure. He is your baby and you are in a stressful situation so put yourself first.

DSs GPs and a couple of friends came to see DS but I told them when to come and they did not stay long as the NICU we were at was not conducive to visitors. What with your babys routine (feeds and obs etc) and yours (meals, expressing etc) there are only small windows in my experience.

Also, once he is in the nursery area and not needing special care as such you might be more ready to have visitors?

Good luck!

Original poster

autumnlover · 06/03/2007 14:42

just wanted to say thank you again for all your posts. sorry i've been quiet. its been hectic. i also have 2 dds and i've been trying to fit hospital visits in whilst trying to be at home as much as i can for the girls. good thing dh has started his paternity leave and he's been great.

also some news, i've just packed my suitcase to spend the night at special care in preparation for ds coming home tomorrow!!!! i'm a little scared of telling anyone just in case there is a turn for the worse but its looking good.

thank you again everyone.

OP posts:

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