advice needed from mothers with babies in special care....

[autumnlover]

my baby is in special care because he was born premature. he's doing okay but things are slow.

however i'm feeling all sorts of emotions and i'm not sure if its normal or am i being unreasonable.

i dont want to speak to anyone, have only informed family and very very close friends. family are wanting to see baby and i'm wanting to say 'NO you cant yet, he's not even my baby yet'. friends are wanting to speak & meet up with me but all i'm wanting to say is go away. i just want to concentrate on getting him home first. am i'm being selfish or unreasonable??

just seen your thread autumnlover and read it all. I really hope your ds will be ablke to go home tomorrow.

My DS1 spent weeks in hospital after he was born and I empathise with all you have said re the different emotions etc. All I would say now, looking back 4 and half years, is, I wish I had done what I wanted to do, and not what I thought others would want. Eg I didnt want grandparents to visit at times - but I let them becuase it felt mean not to. I also wanted to hold my son but often didnt because I was afiad of asking the already busty staff.

Remember, he is your son. You have a right to hold him and do what you want with him. The stafff are there to help him, and to help you. try not to be afraid to ask.

good luck and let us know how you get on...

{{{{{Hugs for you and your ds}}}}

PS It took me years before I cried over my DS1. Dont bottle it all up. Talk to someone. Anyone. But do talk. x

i'm not sure who to talk to... unfortunately the hospital doesnt offer counselling or anything like that. i keep meaning to call BLISS as well but there never seems to be the time. i have spent some time crying but definitely need more.

I know what you mean. Keep trying Bliss. Or ring 'tommys the baby charity'. I cant do links but google them. Their info line is open now. They are great. Ask for Claire.

When you get home with your ds and the hv comes round - as for support. It is available but ridicuilously you have to ask for it if you are seen to be coping. They do not seem to take in to account those that need it but put on a brave face for the health professionals.

you can always talk to me btw. I am not a medic - but I can listen.

Keep posting

try this autumnlover 0870 777 30 60 - tommys info line x

any news autumnlover?

i was just going to post losty. unfortunately he isnt home with us yet. i did stay the night and they allowed me to demand feed, but his jaundice levels went up so had to go under the lamp this morning. it is going down but slowly. the doctors dont know why its gone up - dh got the technical explanation!!

we are dissappointed but not shattered and it hasnt come as a surprise for me. i've also agreed that they can bottle feed him whilst he is there - they seem really obessed about how much he is getting which is understandable. i'm expressing like made and seem to have good supply. i'll worry about breastfeeding him when he gets home. anyone know of a good breastfeeding consultant.

i also called bliss yesterday and they were fantastic. i'm going to call them again tomorrow. they just listened whilst i cried and was very supportive. i feel better for having had talked to them. Still not up to talking to friends/relatives though. we keep getting cards and flowers and i just keep putting them to one side.
bliss also gave me to confidence to pester the staff and ask questions.

is it normal to feel cheated about the birth and the early days, because this is not how it should be?

oh autumnlover I am sorry he is not home with you yet. {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}} But well done for talking to Bliss. And for expressing. (I am no expert on bf or expressing - but one thing I was told which helped a bit, is to look at a photo of your ds whilst expressing. It gets the hormone bit going and so the milk flowing. try it)

What you are feeling re being cheated is to be expected. You have been cheated. Dont try to pretend different. Speaking from my own experiences (cos that is the only way I can relate, IYKWIM, but sorry for going on about it) I was in denial of my emotions for so long. I made out it didnt matter that I missed out on the usual things after birth etc. But it did. And it is perfectly acceptable to grieve for those things.

Keep talking. Or cat me if it would help.

you are doing brilliantly. Your ds has a wonderful mum

autumnlover - Really feel for you as we were in your shoes 2 years ago. Yes you do feel cheated that you didn't have the birth that you had planned in your head, you didn't get those first 'family pictures' or the first cuddle - its normal and I still get upset about it now BUT I tell myself that I would rather have him here than the 'first photos' anyday. I felt like a fraud as we had loads of cards and presents but no baby!!!!
The days in SCBU seem like they will never end....but they do!! And each day he will feel more like your own. I expressed for a couple of weeks like a mad woman (up at 3am in the morning with no baby to wake me!!!!) and DS was about 2 weeks old when I started to feed him myself and he took to it like a duck to water to don't worry about that!
Really hope he is home where he belongs soon.........thats when the real fun starts!!
Hugs to you all!!

My baby was born at 27 weeks and was in SCBU for 4 months. 2 Months of that was in the High Dependency Unit, I know what you mean about not feeling connected, maybe not so much with me but more so with DS he felt that he couldn't visit DS in case he died, but he forced him self (really forced himself) to visit him and in fact it took about 18 months for him to truly connect.

Any way what I was going to say was I couldn't hold DP until he was 4 weeks old .. That was true Hell, but he was so poorly that we were told that it would seriously be detrimental to his health.
Because all this was going I felt we needed to control some aspect, so we only allowed our Parents, Grandparents and our sisters to visit him, why the hell is that selfish, he was not a freak show he is our DS. Actually I will tell you my huge secret, the first time I saw DS I threw up in shock.
Try getting in contact with
BLISS there phone number is 0500 618140 open Mon to Fri 10 - 5
Sorry very choppy sort of message, but what I am trying to say is; Everybody has to come to terms with prematurity in their own way, and no one can tell you how to react, also be aware that more mothers with prem babies suffer PND, probably because it is so hard. Also, there will be other mothers in the SCBU unit and they will be able to help you (and you them) even if you just go for a coffee together.

And, although it has been 7 years now, if you ever need anyone to cry, scream, shout, smile, with you can always contact me.

Eeek, said it wrong, I actually couldn't hold DS not DP for four weeks.

ppor you lazymoo. It is horribkle isnt it. But well done for offering to support autumnlover. MKy circumstances were different, because my ds wasnt in scbu - but he did spend weeks in ICU (on his own) not alowed with other babies cos he has been oout of hospital and risk of inbfection - but I empathyise so much of your posts girls

{{{{{HUGS}}}}

I found it really hard to talk to other new mums in the early days they just didn't understand what you had experienced with a prem baby!! I couldn't admit that there was no 'rush of love' when I first saw my baby as I was not prepared for his arrival and it didn't sink in that this tiny baby bird in a box was MY son!! I sobbed everynight we left the hospital but had to pass this poem on the wall which made me feel slightly better!!! I am sure you will relate to it!! (still makes me cry now as it brings back so many memories!!)

I?m a pre-term baby born too soon
with february snow instead of may in bloom,
I?m warm and cosy in my plastic dome
an incubator as my temporary home,
My mum gets worried when I can?t suckle milk
but my aunt nurses say don?t push him to quick,
A tube through my nostril from which I feed
then a great big cuddle is all that I need.,
I went a bit yellow and gave mum a fright
but the nurses just cured it with a neon light,
So parents don?t worry if babies are small
we are really quite tough just not very tall,
So dry mummy?s tears and sooth out her frown
I?ll soon be at home and getting her down,
So please smile sweetly through my plastic dome and decorate my nursery because I will soon be home!

just wanted to say hello and thank you for yr support everyone. i havent posted the past couple of days because we're on tender hooks - ds could be coming home today. i'm really emotional and findig it hard to speak, write anything without crying... will post later to let you know whats happening. xxx