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Original poster

Other side of the world to meet a grade A tosser.....

31 replies

welshmum · 11/02/2007 07:09

Forgive me but I have to rant about this.
We have brought dd (4) and ds (1) all the way to NZ, using up both mine and dh's long service leave and a fair amount money to be there at his sister's wedding. Now we had heard rumours that the husband to be was a bit of a tool but had steadfastly remained loyal to dh's sister and were prepard to give him the benefit of the doubt until proved otherwise.....but OH MY GOODNESS the man is beyond parody. On first meeting us at the wedding he slagged off dh's family to his face and made fun of the way we spoke, asked nothing about us, said nothing about coming all the way etc etc.
Anyway sil said he was the nervous type and we again thought we'll give him another chance. We were invited to a meal at their house today, the only chance we'd have to all get together because of his work commitments. 5pm we get a text, it's cancelled, no reason given. This treatment after we've happily helped look after her son from her first marriage while they go on honeymoon, it's beyond belief and I am so cross and have no where to go with it but here.
The thing that most worries me is that she, her son and her new dh are taking off to the other end of NZ and leaving all her son holds dear (he's 7)
I've ranted enough, but I'm cross and sad - mostly for her son but also for my dh and for the whole family.

OP posts:
nearlyfourbob · 11/02/2007 07:15

But apart from that have you had a good holiday?

Making fun of the way you speak is pretty par for the course I'm afraid, but the rest sounds bad.

Original poster
welshmum · 11/02/2007 07:29

Yep holiday has been good but I can't bear to think of this little boy uprooted to live so far away from everyone.
I don't mind anyone making fun of how I speak as I enjoy Kiwi humour and can give as good as I get but he was making fun of dd to her face in a bullying way and it got my goat.

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ghosty · 11/02/2007 07:35

Where are they Welshmum?

ghosty · 11/02/2007 07:40

It is a shame this guy has put a dampner on your holiday welshmum. In the main NZers are fab but like everywhere else there are tossers around.

Original poster
welshmum · 11/02/2007 07:42

I tend to really get on with the Kiwis I meet ghosty, they're tip top. I'm wondering now if this guy has some kind of 'problem' as it seems like an odd way to behave.
They live in Wellington but are moving in a week to Auckland.

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tigermoth · 11/02/2007 08:03

It sounds like your intuition may be telling you something is wrong. For your own peace of mind, can you somehow engineer another meeting with this man and your SIL and her child?

And perhaps you could say in an aside to just the SIL and the little boy that whatever their new future holds, they must let you know if they ever need help as you really do care about them.

Could your dd and your SIL's son be penpals so they establish a stronger link and the little boy knows he has a friend from before?

Original poster
welshmum · 11/02/2007 08:07

You're absolutely right tigermoth, some things my nephew has said have started little alarms in my head. I want to take him home with me. I've told him that he can come to stay whenever he likes and we now have skype so we can 'see' him when we chat. I will try to see them before we go but this bloke is off to work in Auckland in the morning (by plane) and then sil and nephew move up there to join him permanently next weekend.

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tigermoth · 11/02/2007 08:24

well, fingers crossed you can see SIL and her son before they go.

It just seems to me that there was a discrepancy between the irritation of the incidents and your reaction to your BIL - that there is more to it somehow.

Is there anyone you know of in NZ who can keep a watch on things and be better placed to make the odd visit?

FluffyMummy123 · 11/02/2007 08:25

Message withdrawn

FluffyMummy123 · 11/02/2007 08:25

Message withdrawn

Original poster
welshmum · 11/02/2007 08:32

Sil and her son lived in Wellington then she met him who's based in Auckland. So they've bought a house there and are moving. But all of her family including devoted grandparents live in Wellington. One of the first things Bil told me was how much he disliked them and how they wouldn't be welcome in his new house.
They're off permanently as far as I know.
Sil knows noone in Auckland. It sucks.

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Original poster
welshmum · 11/02/2007 08:42

Am off to bed now but thanks for thoughts and suggestions all. Appreciated.

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ghosty · 11/02/2007 19:33

Welshmum, where in Auckland are they going to live? If she needs someone to meet up with for coffee then I am around (well, until April anyway, then I will haul DS out of school and shift him to Australia ... but then it is just us, no family here anyway!). Sibble is another MNer in Auckland who is a good friend of mine and is lovely, will always be up for a coffee ...
I'll direct her to this post.

Original poster
welshmum · 12/02/2007 07:28

That's so kind of you ghosty - thanks. She's off to Cockle(shell?) Bay.
I'll wait until I'm home in London and this thread is a bit hidden and I'll get her on to mumsnet.
I think I may end up living here for a bit too - maybe in the next 3 years so it's great to know that there are some Kiwi mumsnetters around (even if you're off to Oz soon - hope it goes really well)

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ghosty · 12/02/2007 07:39

O.M.G! Cockle Bay, Howick? If so, I live right next door in the next suburb - 5 minutes away .... . How funny is that?
Really lovely lovely area, welshmum ... it truly is. Cockle Bay School is lovely - big, but great so I have heard and, incidentally my DS is 7 too .
Just tell her you have a friend of a friend who lives in Howick with a 7 year old son and would be happy to have coffee with her - Sibble's DS is the same age too and she doesn't live too far away.

This is all presuming your SIL isn't a hairy trucker

Original poster
welshmum · 12/02/2007 07:46

Ghosty that would be so brilliant. I'll tell her tomorrow - she's supposed to be coming here for a last supper and hopefully will turn up as tosser is in Auckland working. I'll say I have a friend of a friend and then if she's keen I'll post on here - would that be ok? Are you from the UK originally ghosty or a proper Kiwi?

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ghosty · 12/02/2007 07:56

Oh god, now you are asking ...
Simple version ... British married to kiwi.
Just got my Kiwi citizenship though.
We will have to come up with a friend of the friend though ...
I don't know you and you don't know me but a friend of mine knew an old school friend of yours that she met at uni or something????
I am 36.

Email me on ghostyandmeg(at)xtra(dot)co(dot)nz

Original poster
welshmum · 12/02/2007 08:04

Ok ghosty if she's up for it we can sort out the details by email - this is so kind of you and she ought to appreciate it as I think she knows noone up there (or is it down there?)
I'm British and married to a Kiwi as well although I think I owe him a stint in NZ now. I went to a headhunter today to see if I could get a job here if we did move. Also looked at a drop dead gorgeous house on the beach yesterday. We'll go back to London next week and see what we reckon.....
Can I ask why you're leaving NZ?

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ghosty · 12/02/2007 08:12

DH has been moved to run the Aussie head office of the company. Good promotion but v. sad to leave NZ. We are not selling our house though so the plan is to come back eventually ....

Original poster
welshmum · 12/02/2007 08:16

Hope it goes well. Assume you're off to Sydney?
At least you're not leaving NZ because it's rubbish....

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ghosty · 12/02/2007 08:20

No ... NZ NOT rubbish at all ... sure, it has its problems ... with a tiny population it struggles with the basics like funding education and the health service ... and it sure isn't cheap
Auckland is phenominally expensive in real terms but honestly, being 5 minutes from a beach, and no more than 1/2 and hour to a beach in any direction more than makes up for it
Going to Melbourne ... less spiders apparently

Earlybird · 12/02/2007 08:25

Oh welshmum - just seen this, how upsetting. How long has your SIL been single? How long has she been seeing this man?

Playing amateur psychologist for a moment - as a longterm single person (and lone parent), I can say it is sometimes very hard to manage on your own - emotionally, physically, financially etc. I completely understand the desire for companionship, support and the appeal of simply being 'taken care of'.

I may be projecting lots of my own stuff onto the situation, but from what you've said, it sounds as if she doesn't want to be single anymore. None of us wants to be on our own, but your SIL sounds as if she's made/is making a dreadful mistake in order to be with someone/not be alone. No idea what to advise you though - and my heart goes out to her dear, innocent ds.

Original poster
welshmum · 12/02/2007 08:40

I think you're absolutely right Earlybird and as I have a dh I feel it's wrong in so many ways for me to lecture her - so I haven't. But I've known sil for many years - before I even got together with my dh. I've watch her pursue some really unsavoury characters and end up getting pg by one particularly awful man, she ended up having the baby and then giving him to friends to adopt (father wanted nothing to do with baby or her)
She is a wonderful mother to her ds from her first marriage though or has been until now. I think what she's done is a huge mistake but I am at such a loss as to what to do. This new dh is already manipulating and controlling her. Latest is he won't let any of her family come to the airport to see them off - so grandparents can't wave to grandson. Can you imagine that? it breaks my heart.

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Original poster
welshmum · 12/02/2007 08:48

I'm off to bed early again but thanks again for the chat all - it doesn help. Goodnight.

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Original poster
welshmum · 12/02/2007 08:48

Does help of course

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