Other side of the world to meet a grade A tosser.....

[welshmum]

Forgive me but I have to rant about this.
We have brought dd (4) and ds (1) all the way to NZ, using up both mine and dh's long service leave and a fair amount money to be there at his sister's wedding. Now we had heard rumours that the husband to be was a bit of a tool but had steadfastly remained loyal to dh's sister and were prepard to give him the benefit of the doubt until proved otherwise.....but OH MY GOODNESS the man is beyond parody. On first meeting us at the wedding he slagged off dh's family to his face and made fun of the way we spoke, asked nothing about us, said nothing about coming all the way etc etc.
Anyway sil said he was the nervous type and we again thought we'll give him another chance. We were invited to a meal at their house today, the only chance we'd have to all get together because of his work commitments. 5pm we get a text, it's cancelled, no reason given. This treatment after we've happily helped look after her son from her first marriage while they go on honeymoon, it's beyond belief and I am so cross and have no where to go with it but here.
The thing that most worries me is that she, her son and her new dh are taking off to the other end of NZ and leaving all her son holds dear (he's 7)
I've ranted enough, but I'm cross and sad - mostly for her son but also for my dh and for the whole family.

Does your nephew have regular contact with his father still? If the new husband is being awkward about SIL's family I think it is important that someone is keeping an eye on your nephew....and that he knows there are people he can rely on if things go wrong in his new set-up.

I think the Skype thing is a good idea so you can see him as well as hear him....

Also important that your SIL knows she will be welcome back at her parents if she needs it - have you talked to your PILs about the situation? I would say to them that even if they are hurt by what is going on it is important for your nephew's sake that they keep lines of communication open....

Oh, the situation sounds dreadful. He sounds a terrible bully, and this is the way I imagine the early stages of an abusive relationship would be. If he's behaving this way, in the early 'honeymoon' stage of the relationship, it certainly won't get better. And through the move he is isolating her, and taking her away from those who can easily support her. But, I'm sure you realise all that...

If you have such a long history with her, can you or your dh have a heart to heart with her? She can't be happy when he is behaving this way toward her and the ones she loves most.

I've had issues in the past of not wanting to admit to myself, or anyone else, when I made a big mistake. I thought I needed to hang in there and somehow make it work (the old 'you've made your bed, and now have to lie in it' syndrome). Tell her it's OK to have made a mistake (ie to marry him), and she can change her mind. Far easier/better to do it now than after years of unhappiness pass. If nothing else will work, would the idea of protecting/taking care of her son get through to her?

TBH, from what you descibe, she sounds as if she would benefit from some serious soul searching - perhaps even under the guidance of a pyschotherapist or other professional who could help her understand why she consistently makes such bad choices.

I think one of the hardest things has got to be to stand back and watch someone make a terrible mistake. What a difficult situation.

Welshmum - really glad ghosty can throw your SIL a lifeline in the form of a friend. If ever there was a reason for telling someone about mumsnet, this is one of them.

I share your unease at the way this new husband is cutting off your SIL and her son from so much support. And as for not letting her son's grandparents wave him off at the airport - what is all that about! Just out of curiosity, have you thought about doing some indpenedent research into this man's history - even by putting his name into google.

Are you close enough to your SIL to phone her say, weekly, once you are home? I think earlybird's suggestions are good.

(Just as an aside, my dh spent all his childhood in Napier and has a New Zealand passport, though he is English by birth).

Kteepee - pils are wonderfully forgiving types, I've no doubts that they'll be there for her and her ds whatever happens. That's why it's hard to see them so hurt now.
Her ds' dad is dead so that's another loss for him.
Earlybird - we've spoken alot about what could be gained from speaking to her bluntly about the man she's married but everyone else in the family has done this and she hasn't listened. We decided that since we live in the UK we've less right to talk to her so have decided not to.
Tigermoth - interesting you should suggest that my dh is toying with the idea of a private detective....but I don't think seriously.
Ghosty - thanks again for your email offer. She didn't seem too keen when I mentioned it tonight but I'll have another go when I'm back home in 10 days or so. I'm really grateful though.
The latest thought seems to be that the dh may be autistic, possibly Aspergers. I don't know much about this in adults so maybe will have a look at that and see if it starts to make sense.

just another thought - has anyone on your SILS side of the family met his family or good friends? I guess so, at the wedding. What happened then? Did any of them give an insight into his background? Also, if he is autistic, ADHD etc. it's very possible that someone on his side of the family knows/suspects this.

Generally what are his friends and family like? Did they get on with your family? I could be a good idea for your side of the family be very proactive in keeping in touch with his side of the family, if only to see what information about him gets thrown up.

If he had no family or long term friends at his wedding, (and adding what you have said)this would make me very suspicious. I'm afraid. If he has fallen out with his own family, this of course could be for a valid reason and make him wary of all families, but it could also be for not so good reasons.

The other thing is - has anyone directly asked him why he does not want your SIL to have contact with her own family? Has anyone been direct with him? Again it would be interesting to see what his answer is.

Hi tigermoth - sorry for delayed response have been away from base house!
He only had his oldest son from his first marriage at the wedding and he was a very very nice boy, easy to talk to and well-mannered. There was noone else there from his family and the 'friends' all seemed to be clients. He seems to do business relationships very well but nothing that requires an emotional response.
One of the first and only things he told me was that SIL's family would not be welcome in their house in Auckland, he was very rude about them, very rude.
They've moved now and are in the new place so that's it. We'll skype our nephew and keep up with him via the grandparents when we've gone back to the UK.
I still can't believe that we came all this way to get to know him (amongst other things) and haven't, most odd, never met anyone like him before.