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Original poster

DILEMMA - NEED OPINIONS TONIGHT

28 replies

jampot · 12/06/2004 23:06

As you may be aware (because I go on about it so much!!) my MIL uses my address as her own (she lives in Spain) without asking our permission. So far the DVLA, car insurance, driving licence dept, her doctors, her bank, the place where she keeps her holiday home (in england), mobile phone billing, and many other "institutions" think she lives at our address. She's due back tomorrow and I just popped to the loft to get her "documents" bag out in readiness for tomorrow. It was unzipped and I took a sneaky look inside and literally in front of me was her driving licence (which she uses as proof of residence I assume). Should I take it and lose it thereby making her apply for a new one (which she shouldn't do as she doesn't live in England)? I think I probably know what I should do but it conflicts with what I want to do... Help........

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woodpops · 12/06/2004 23:13

Ooooooh very tempting jampot. Not too sure what I'd do. I know what I'd like to do but would probably feel guilty afterwards. My sil used our adress for a very long time. We brought mil haouse so when sil moved out she was renting and didn't want to change her adress. That is until dh got that wazzed off with it he opened her bank statement up and saw just how minted she was (and she always pleaded poverty). After that day we never had another piece of her post!!!! Go with your gut feeling chuck!!!!

WideWebWitch · 12/06/2004 23:15

Why do you let her do it? Did you agree it? I wouldn't 'lose' anything but you might want to think about whether you'll continue this arrangement if it's annoying you. Sorry if I've missed a load of background on this and have misunderstood the situation though!

coppertop · 12/06/2004 23:16

Hmmmm...After hearing about the sort of person she is it would certainly be tempting. Then again would it be worth it if it just creates a lot of trouble? You'd either have to tell dh and thereby put him in a difficult position, or keep it a complete secret which could put YOU on dodgy ground. I'd treasure that lovely little thought of revenge () but probably not go through with it.

Btw - did your dh tell them he wasn't going to pick them up from the airport after all?

Original poster
jampot · 12/06/2004 23:26

ct - yes, but they went ahead and booked a hire car for a week and putting our address down as their place of residence so to prove this she will need her driving licence anyway (not sure how she's going to do that actually). I would keep it from dh as its been there since last Oct and she could easily have mislaid it somewhere.

WWW - I don't let her use our address, she just does and dh won't confront her about it.

Oooh I so want to - its virtually asking me to take it!!!!!!!

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coppertop · 12/06/2004 23:30

Oooh! Dh's opinion is that you should 'lose' it somewhere that you can 'find' it again later if you really need to.

Original poster
jampot · 12/06/2004 23:37

love your dh!!!

I've just texted 4 of my mates and my sis to ask their opinions too and the general concensus is that I take it but they know I want this answer.....

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Original poster
jampot · 12/06/2004 23:38

Oh and I won't ever need to find it again!!!!!will send it to my sis for shredding..

I do feel like a little minx

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Soapbox · 12/06/2004 23:41

Hmm but if she doesn't have her license she won't be able to hire the car - won't that mean that your DH will have to spend loads of time ferrying them around?

If not - go for it

Original poster
jampot · 12/06/2004 23:43

well they could use FIL's licence (which is Spanish) and be upfront about where they really live!!

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coppertop · 12/06/2004 23:45

You could always hide it for starters and see what happens. If it looks like you'll be stuck with her all week then you could 'find' it again. If all goes well for you then proceed to stage 2 of the plan....the shredder.

Chandra · 12/06/2004 23:51

Jampot, any single service statement (water, electricity or gas) even if it's not on your name can be used as a proof of residency, so I think it won't make a lot of diference, if she is is such a bad MIL you may "lose" it to balance the things a bit but what happens if she decides that needs to get another one, and then she finds out that she needs to do another exam beacuse she is over X age, and then she needs to have classes and THEN she needs to stay with you for longer???? Nightmare really, but may I suggest you start returning her mail with a "wrong address" note? you can always blame the postman saying that he might have left it in another house (Nothing against postmen by the way, but ours can't read further than the first word of the name of our street therefore we get tons of mail for other people (have sorted an arrangement with them though, if they get something which is ours they ring us to go over to pick it up, if we get something we do the same)

Original poster
jampot · 13/06/2004 00:00

good point chandra. she doesn't stay with us when they're over here (they have a hol home about 40 miles away). She's 65 so won't need to do another test. her mobile phone bill gets sent to our address but I bought her a pay as you go phone a couple of months ago to use when they're here so she's now cancelled her O2 contract so no more bills !!!a few years ago they asked us if we would write a letter to the council telling them that they had lived with us but we were now kicking them out so that they could get a council house - I just worry that they are trying to build a "picture" IYSWIM so they could try and support any scam they plan in the future.

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Chandra · 13/06/2004 00:06

Is your MIL Spanish? How could they get a council house if they can even afford to have a holiday home???

if they build the picture of liveng here in order to get a council house and get caught, would you be an accomplice of fraus? (God!, probably a good argument to convince your DH to confront her!)

Original poster
jampot · 13/06/2004 00:13

both inlaws are english - they just live in Spain. They moved out about 5/6 years ago although they've had a property out there for about 25 years. When they asked us about the council house thing I obviously refused as I am (contrary to what this thread tells you about me) quite moral. Their hol home is only a park home type of thing so I don't understand why they use our address at all.. I am soo tempted just to take it and destroy it. DH doesn't agree with what they do but for some reason he can't confront/question his mum (always been the same)

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ladymuck · 13/06/2004 00:14

Probably wouldn't, at least not unless dh agreed. At the end of the day she is his mother. But I would make it clear to him how much this bugs you - he should really be the one to sort it out, not you. Make him aware of the implications - you could be tainted by their credit history (as I guess you share a surname) etc. But if he is happy then I think you have to live with it...

ladymuck · 13/06/2004 00:16

Posts crossed. Still wouldn't do it without dh's knowledge - it can only get messy if you get found out.

Original poster
jampot · 13/06/2004 00:28

ladymuck - the only thing that has stopped me doing anything so far is the fact that they are his parents but I still feel they are wrong in trying to compromise us/their son. Last year when they were over here FIL got caught speeding by a camera. Obviuously the letter came here. They got into a right tizz over it because FIL has a spanish driving licence (but he can still drive here) the problem arose because for their car insurance they declared that they live in england (at our address) and that FIL has a full english licence and no health probs (he has angina).... in the end they said MIL was driving but in the meantime went back to Spain. A form came through for them and they asked dh to forge MIL's signature....

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Chandra · 13/06/2004 00:33

LOvely! ask to forge a signature!!! but I know what you mean by DH not being able to confront her, as it was the same case with my MIL, it took six yrs for him to confront her but I think it was just because I gave him an ultimatum, but that quite another story... but really symphatise

Chandra · 13/06/2004 00:40

By the way Jampot, we have had peopleasking us to receve their mail for a while while they sort their new address, etc, I'm very tired of it and think that the next time I am asked I will say No or maybe say yes but agree that we will get for a maximum of 3 months and if they don't sort up an alternative by then the mail goes back after the date.

For the last friends on leave we agreed to receive their post and save it until they returned BUT that we won't open a single envelope because we felt really ackward about it (in reality, we thought that if we agreed to open and check their mail we will be getting the work of informing them or sorting the problem for them at our expense (either time or money)). It has made a great diference and we are not getting any mail any more.

Original poster
jampot · 13/06/2004 00:40

I've decided I'm going to take it, not let dh know (he's a crap liar anyway) and destroy it. Then if she asks if she can get a copy sent here I will remind her its breaking the law and she should really get a Spanish one or get her english one sent to the hol home (we can collect her post if she's worried about security when they're not there). I really hope no-one thinks badly of me...

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Original poster
jampot · 13/06/2004 00:42

chandra - it is a responsibilty you can do without isn't it. We have enough junk mail coming for us let alone anyone else (i'm sure you do too)

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Chandra · 13/06/2004 01:15

Jampot, before you loose the licence, she can perfectly drive with any license of the European union. She can drive with the English one in Spain as well. I have another idea, somebody mentioned last week about a service to which you can subscribe to stop junk mail, calls, etc. You can also register your address and the name of previous owners of the house so you don't get more mail for them, you can find it at www.mpsonline.org.uk/

Original poster
jampot · 13/06/2004 07:13

chandra - thanks for that. However, I don't want to stop her driving I just want to stop her using it as proof of identity. As she doesn't have a utility bill in her name at our address she can't use those, her mobile phone bills she can't use because they are over 3 months old (I shredded the last couple). Regarding vehicles generally, the last car they had they used our address as the registered address and also insured it from here using monthly payments (which would probably require credit checking). she also used it to prove she lived here when changing address at her bank which in turn allowed her a £15k loan at my address for which there would have been a credit search (at my address) and it would also go towards our household indebtedness (according to a banking friend).

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mummysurfer · 13/06/2004 07:30

i think you should do it jampot, after all you will be helping her stay on the right side of the law.

bran · 13/06/2004 13:28

My heart says 'do it' jampot, your mil sounds like a real pain in the bum, but my head says that you're bound to get the blame. I'm assuming that you're the only person who's handled it since your mil last left the country, so she might get very nasty about it, and if your dh always agrees with her then it could be miserable. Who needs a big family argument. What about taking it out and hiding it somewhere as though she dropped it when packing her documents bag. You can let her get really stressed and then, when she's blaming you, you can organise a search and 'find' it where 'she lost it'.

Definitely agree with the very wise Chandra that you should be returning her mail to sender and blaming it on the postal service.